CountryHGirl Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 My bf and i have plans to get married within the next 5 years. We are deeply committed to each other, and other than the problem im going to describe, we have, or had at least, a stable loving relationship. My bf's family is anything but loving and healthy. And by family, i mean his mom, dad, sister, and himself. The rest of the extended family is VERY loving, normal, and great to be around. Unfortunately, my bf's dad is an alcoholic. When i first came into my bf's life, i didnt really understand the extreme nature of this, because the family never really acknowledged it. It was there, theyd say, "oh hes drunnk" or whatever, and i wouldnt ask questions. Lately ive been starting to really realize the extent of it. His mom and dad are going to get divorced. When? I dont know, i dont even think they know. His dad is verbally abusive, can be physical with objects(not people as far as i know) BUT only when he is drunk, which is usually from 4 or 5pm til he goes to sleep. Earlier on wknds. The stress of things getting worse and worse, is starting to affect my bf. He has started drinking more. He goes out with friends more to party. These are things he NEVER did before. Hed occasionally get drunk, maybe once a month if that. But nothing like its been. Recently hes been starting to ditch me to go out with his friends and drink. I just dont know what to do, and how long im willing to stay if hes going to turn out like his dad. Ive been down this road before. My ex SWORE hed never be like his dad; a druggie with an alcohol and temper problem. Slowly i started to see changes in him til finally, he was so far gone i had to leave. I dealt with the dad and him for years, and it really took a toll on me. I lost 15-20 lbs during that time, and i was average weight to begin with. I lost trust with anyone who was not my immediate family. It was a mess, and im still recovering from the actions of that time. I need to get advice. Its with a heavy heart that im writing this. I WILL NOT stay if my future is with a drunk. I know everyone says you have to be supportive during this time for him(he recently had 2 family members die) and with the stress at home for him, if i leave he might really go off the deep end. BUT, i cant stand around and watch this, or put myself through this again. Not only am i spending more and more nights alone, but i FEEL lonely too. We barely have sex anymore. But other than this our relationship is fine, but i can feel it starting to go awry. My parents are extremely worried when i go to visit his house, as are a few of my close friends. What can i do?? Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 My only advice is to talk to him. It will be hard but you have to make you boundaries clear, you will not be in a relationship where substance abuse, or even over-use is a factor check out my resent thread, I had to have a difficult discussion with my BF regarding substance use. It was a very different situation but I think it will help you plan out how to talk to him about this. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I would tell him he either cannot drink or needs to limit what he drinks is he wants to be with you - that it's a boundary of yours. Alcoholism is influenced by genetics so someone with a history of alcoholism in their family would be wise to be even more careful than the average person. Link to comment
CountryHGirl Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 i know hes not doing it to hurt me, but at this point its almost as if he doesnt care. I know hes under stress, but this isnt the way to handle it. Im just scared im going to lose the man i want to spend the rest of my life with because of his dad and him not being able to cope with his family. Its making me resent them too. I barely even speak to his dad, and when i do it usually not nice. Its not mean, but its not nice like i used to be. Id feel bad for his dad, but hes not stupid. Hes had people in his life with alcohol problems, and guess what. They all drank themselves to death, leaving behind kids, a wife, and family. His dad has been saying he 'doesnt care' what his family will do if he dies. Thanks for your replies Link to comment
talo Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 He drinks to escape from his life rather than face it and take appropriate action. I was a bout alcoholic and ruined relationships through this. You need to nip this in the bud. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 If your ex had drug and alcohol problems, and now you are with a young man whose father is clearly an alcoholic who abuses his mother, and now the young man is drinking, it is less about "getting tough" or setting boundaries and more about looking within and finding out why you are in a pattern of being attracted to folks with addiction, with codependent households, etc. The first step might be breaking up with this young man and spending time with yourself. Go to counseling. Go to Al-anon. Go to support groups that deal with codependency - even if it is not for family members/spouses/gfs of alcoholics but codependency in general. Also, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who uses drinking as his escape or gets out of control? And if the mother is physically abused, he may see it as normal in a way deep down. Link to comment
sledhead09 Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 This happened to me and Jan is very hard time and always found that I was drinking and not in control. None of my ex's ever said anything and it ruined the relationships I was in. It is a hard thing to say but, you need to address it. And he needs to realize the issue, it is deeper then you think. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I agree with all of this. You are too young to be developing this pattern already. Go to Al-anon. Talk to him seriously about his. Get counseling. Link to comment
CountryHGirl Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 I am currently in counseling. I have been since my ex and i broke up. Its done a lot of good for me, and the issue that abitbroken and ms darcy brought up has also been brought up in counseling. I really had no idea about his family until i met them, wayyyy into the relationship. Link to comment
offplanet Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 It sounds very risky to continue and have a future with him, with his alcoholic tendencies. You seem to think so yourself, so don't be persuaded to stay and be supportive, against your better judgement. You know it would be bad for you. Why do that to yourself? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I am currently in counseling. I have been since my ex and i broke up. Its done a lot of good for me, and the issue that abitbroken and ms darcy brought up has also been brought up in counseling. I really had no idea about his family until i met them, wayyyy into the relationship. I think that if you did not meet his immediately family (aside from the reason if they lived in another country) until waaayyyyy into the relationship, that would be suspicious to me. I can see not meeting them in the first month but in most families, you would meet some of them, or the most important ones to him such as parents and siblings early on in your exclusive dating relationship. If you don't meet them for a long time and they live close by, then that is either a sign that he is not serious or that he is ashamed/has something to hide about them. Things like this will get filed away so that if you leave this relationship and someday meet someone new, it will be in the back of your head to watch for when you are assessing a new guy you are dating on whether you want to continue. Link to comment
Drlove Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 My dear, the issue is that I will not advise you to rush matters and please, don't allow your the fear of your past experience to come into your present. Since you said your relationship is going fine apart from the issues you pointed out, I advice you give him little time to recover from the stress you said his going through right a way. You have to give him a little break and watch him recover but also assist him to recover as well. When he is out of the stress, you can now talk it out with him if you really love him. After talking to him, give a break and tell him whenever his ready to stop his drinking habit then, you can continue with him. remember, I said a break and not a break up. Link to comment
CountryHGirl Posted January 31, 2012 Author Share Posted January 31, 2012 Thank you all for your replies. I did not meet his family because we did not live near them at the time. Its a complication situation to explain. Either way, it was impossible to meet them. I do agree that his tendancies are startling for me, which is why i came here. I had a very long talk with him, during which time he said our fighting about his alc abuse is adding to his pressures. So for now im going to back off a bit and see what happens with him. If things dont change, i will not hesitate to leave. I have already prepared myself that things wont, but id like to see if this relationship is worth it to him so that he cant stop. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Thank you all for your replies. I did not meet his family because we did not live near them at the time. Its a complication situation to explain. Either way, it was impossible to meet them. I do agree that his tendancies are startling for me, which is why i came here. I had a very long talk with him, during which time he said our fighting about his alc abuse is adding to his pressures. So for now im going to back off a bit and see what happens with him. If things dont change, i will not hesitate to leave. I have already prepared myself that things wont, but id like to see if this relationship is worth it to him so that he cant stop. I think that is very wise. Also, despite his behavior - if you continued with him, they would be your family someday - would you really want that? Also be careful about deciding that the worthiness of the relationship is a factor in his decision. It will only depress you into thinking you aren't good enough. it is a coping mechanism for him rather than just a mere activity. Link to comment
barryc Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 wow, your story sounds very familiar to my life. GEt out and get out now. You are sooooo young, you have your whole life. He will not get better-the alcohol abuse will get worse over time and with added stress in life. slowly cut the ties and move on. You deserve way better. It will take time-each day will get better. Link to comment
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