How do you know if breaking up is the right choice?

[laboheme]

For various reasons, I feel that I should maybe break up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years. I've been thinking about it for months. However, every time I think about it, I become a complete emotional mess. But I don't know if I'm crying because I'm afraid of hurting him, because I don't like the thought of being alone, or because I truly am in love with him. And I don't want to end things and realize down the road that I made the wrong decision, you know?

 

I've had relationships end before, so I'm not going to be all dramatic and say that I'll never find anyone else, because I obviously have found other people (such as this guy). But this is my first time as a potential dumper, and with it comes...responsibility, I guess? Being dumped is one thing, and yes, it hurts, but there's usually nothing you can do about it. But if I'm the one ending things, it's all in my control, and I don't want to find myself regretting the decision several years down the road.

 

How have others made the decision to break up with someone? (Assume that there are no major problems like cheating, abuse, etc.)

[lonelyheart2]

What are the reasons that you want to break up with him?

[laboheme]

What are the reasons that you want to break up with him?

 

Just a few things off the top of my head:

 

- I'm not happy in general, but I have a hard time telling if it's the relationship that's making me unhappy or certain stresses in life. (I know it's not depression, so that's off the table.)

- I never feel like having sex with him. Once again, I don't know if it's because I'm no longer attracted to him or because I'm currently stressed and would much rather sleep.

- His lack of direction in life is getting to me. I have a solid career and feel like he's still stuck in college, working a part-time job, even though he's a few years older than me. To be fair, he has been trying to come up with a plan in the last few months, but nowadays it looks like he doesn't want to follow through with it.

- I'm a very social person, he's not. It's increasingly frustrating that we can't be social as a couple. He's willing to hang out with my friends but does so grudgingly. He has no friends of his own (though he's close with one of his cousins and his wife), and he's fine being a loner. Not that there's anything wrong with being a loner -- it just doesn't really work with my lifestyle.

- Speaking of friends...my friends don't like him at all, probably because he's such a grouch around them. My family feels the same way.

- I'm not a fan of his family and sort of dread the thought that if we ever got married, I'd have them as my in-laws. They, on the other hand, love me.

- I wouldn't say that he has low self-esteem in general, but he frequently tells me that I could do better. That's really annoying -- after all, I chose to be with him.

 

 

On the flip side of the coin:

 

- He's very supportive and is always there when I need him.

- He balances me out: I'm a pretty high-strung individual, and he manages to keep me grounded.

- He's willing to talk about problems and work on solving them instead of just arguing endlessly.

- If there's something that I'm interested in doing, he'll go along with it -- no complaints if I want to watch a chick flick.

- He's full of ideas: about date activities, about new recipes, about new insurance plans that I should look into. Things are never boring.

[pl3asehelp]

He tells you you could do better? I would say he has low self esteem. I would focus your efforts first on finding out why you're not happy. How do you know it's not depression? Did you see a professional who gave you that assesment? I think not being happy in general, as you describe, would cloud all judgement and perception.

[laboheme]

He tells you you could do better? I would say he has low self esteem. I would focus your efforts first on finding out why you're not happy. How do you know it's not depression? Did you see a professional who gave you that assesment? I think not being happy in general, as you describe, would cloud all judgement and perception.

 

I haven't seen a professional because I'm not feeling sad, depressed, or desperate. There are plenty of things in life that make me happy. It's just that right now, it's been one stressful thing after another. For example, as much as I love my job, I'm currently working crazy hours (happy because we're working on a big deal! unhappy because I haven't seen daylight in forever!) and don't always get the chance to do things that I know for a fact will put a smile on my face: drinking a cup of hot chocolate, getting a mani-pedi, curling up with a good classic novel, or going to brunch with a good friend. Additionally, my friends all decided that this would be a good time for their lives to fall apart, so whenever I come home after seeing them, instead of feeling happy and rejuvenated, I'm just trying to recover from the conversation that we had about their miscarriages, layoffs, and so on. (That's actually part of the reason why I'm using this ENA to vent. My friends are going through far worse things than a potential breakup, so I don't want to talk about my seemingly petty problems with them. And the ones who have heard me talk about this have all recommended breaking up with him.)

 

I did not mean to imply that I'm constantly moping around, because I'm not! Perhaps saying that I was generally unhappy was a poor choice of words -- stressed would have been more appropriate. But you are right about things possibly clouding my judgment and perception, because I AM very confused about whether my feelings about the relationship are simply affected by stress or whether the relationship is contributing to that stress.

 

And one other thing:

 

I said that he's very supportive and there when I need him. That only applies to things that don't involve other people. If I'm thinking about negotiating a raise, he'll gladly help me polish up my pitch...but if I'm particularly upset by a friend's troubles, he doesn't want to hear about it.

[john1981]

I just posted something similar to your post. I find it very hard as well if its my anxiety or her that is bugging me with a few things. I would take things slow and just see how they go, unless your in a hurry.

[Bandit32]

you said the most important thing to a love relationship "...I never feel like having sex with him..." this is why most of the relationships dont go forever, at certain point of time....its always the same, because it is always the same person...it becames mecanic

What you have is a nice friendship and habits relation whit him...if you are not atracted to him...better tell that know

 

relations dont live of friendship

 

unless you can control your mind and feel like discovering sex whit him again...that will trouble you mind forever