Almost A Year Later - Spoke With the Ex and Gained Self-Closure

[Silverbirch]

It's almost a year now. I still haven't gotten around to getting all of my possessions from the ex and as I'm decorating my home and wanting some of my things which are still at his place, I called him. Up until now, almost all contact has been through text. I didn't particularly want to speak with him - I have come to that feeling of indifference I had read about on ENA. All I really want from him is the rest of my things.

 

He sounded very pleased to hear from me. He had sent me several texts from November (on my birthday) then a couple from then to the Xmas period - one of them "suggesting I might want to meet with him for lunch". I didn't reply to them. When I spoke with him last night, he said that he had thought of ringing me on New Years Day to ask me if I wanted to have coffee, but said he didn't want to put me on the spot. I told him last night (truth) that I was very busy with him that day and wouldn't have been able to meet with him.

 

It was sort of weird because he spent a good 15 minutes talking all about himself. He then asked me about all of my animals, family, and people I know, but not once, did he ask me about myself. Bear in mind, this man is a psychologist and has been for a number of years.

 

He's currently devastated at having been burgled, even though when I inquired, he is fully insured and admitted, he is likely to come off better than he was as far as his possessions go. When I asked him how he was, he spent some time saying how unwell he had been due to experiencing a minor form of Crohn's disease.

 

I know some people, even myself, might cringe a little, but I chose to tell him I had been diagnosed with cancer, albeit a treatable form of it in December. I guess I wanted to hear his reaction as the conversation had been all about him. When he dumped me, one of the things he said to me repeatedly was what a self-centred person I am, and that there were a lot of other defects of mine he found draining. At that time, he said, "But I've told you enough for now." Anyway, when I told him about the cancer, one of the things he said was: "That must have been a very difficult thing to cope with all on your own." LOL, it didn't even occur to him that he is not the only man in the world. It seems he thinks I spent the entire year pining after him. I told him that I have great friends who have been there for me. I didn't tell him about David yet. David is a friend and was a great friend before I got together with him, and he really stood by me and was there for me during the cancer saga.

 

When I do get my things, I likely will tell him that I am now with somebody else who I love very much. It sounds very much from what he said, that the ex wants me in his life, and he says he wants to do whatever he can to "support me" with regard to the ongoing regular medical testing I will have to remain cancer-free. I just thanked him and said I was fine. No need for any assistance.

 

When I hung up, I realised that I had achieved the final closure for myself that comes from within - something I can only give to myself. Nobody, not an ex, not any other person can give that to me. My former relationship with him is a closed chapter in my life. I wish him not harm and happiness as I do to anyone. All of the feelings I once had for him are gone and I have moved on.

[sadchick83]

So pleasant to read this post, Silver. I wish we could teach the new ENA'ers that one could actually meet someone who is far better than the ex they are pining for. Im so glad to hear you have moved on and up! What a wonderfully ending to a year of challenge.

[gluestick]

Thank you so much for sharing this story! It gives me hope!

[HeartGoesOn]

Well done, Silverbirch!

[onlyhansel]

When I do get my things, I likely will tell him that I am now with somebody else who I love very much.

 

I know you wish him no harm, but as you know there may be a bit of harm in telling him that. Why not just pick up your things and just move on with your life? You don't contact him, he doesn't contact you. Goodbye. It seems you're feeling a bit of power here and while that's a great thing for you, if you want to truly move on the right way, take the high road.

 

Just be careful of how many explosives you use to destroy this bridge and move on, never know where that shrapnel may land in the future.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs to you all. Yes Sadchick, the main reason I come to ENA now is that I want to give hope to people who are going through the pain I was going through that I felt like I would never get over.

 

Onlyhansel, I've thought about that, but there are people here such as Sadchick who have been here for me for a long time, and know lots about my story which you likely don't know. Anyway, if I do choose to tell him about David, I doubt it would cause him any genuine pain, just a bit of a dent to his ego. He dumped me for his much younger hairdresser, and it seems only wanted me about to help bring up his children until they were grown up. He was also married to the children's mother for over 20 years, never ever said he missed her, but he did often say he missed the lifestyle the ex-wife's money had provided for them all.

 

If he does ask me to meet with him AGAIN for lunch, dinner or coffee, I probably WILL tell him that I have somebody else in my life I want to spend my time with. I truly wish there were more hours in the day, and I don't want to waste the time I have on a man who ultimately treated me badly and discarded me. I'm also realistic enough to know that if the much younger hairdresser was still on the scene, he would NOT be contacting me. I likely won't repeat the last sentence to him. You know, part of the reason I would want to tell him about David - loyalty to David. He was actually nervous about me having any future contact with my ex. I genuinely love David and I feel as though when I am with him, I can be myself. I didn't even realise when I was with the ex that I was always trying to be somebody else - a person who could live up to all of his expectations. David has said to me many times: "You don't need to do this or that, I just want you to be Silver - and to be happy."

[quirky]

You really give me hope because I also feel that I won't meet anyone else. I think I would tell him about David if I was you, why not. I truly wish you all the best, you're very strong.

[Aqua066]

Just wanted to say good for you Silverbirch! I've read a lot of your posts and am really happy for you. Your ex doesn't deserve you one bit.

 

This is an excellent example of what can happen when you truly focus yourself on healing, letting go and moving on with your life. They always say the ex won't come back around again until this happens... and there's nothing better to say to them when this happens then "thanks but NO THANKS" "Sorry but you had your chance..." "All set... close the door behind you", haha

[stevef20]

What a lovely story darling, I especially like the bit where you mention how in love you are.

 

You touched my heart XxX

[little_buttercup]

So glad you found closure and are doing better!

[Silverbirch]

Hugs to you all! I just want to say that if I could give anyone advice, it's a little obvious, but that would be - to immerse yourself in your passions - whether that be following the stock exchange and meeting others who are also involved, sport, music, whatever. I thought I was going to end up as a reclusive old lady with all her animals living on her own. I got more involved with my horses and then I suppose other people's. David used to come out to attend to my horses and he would tell me some sad stories about horses which had been neglected which he was trying to rehabilitate. Because of this, I suppose the business relationship grew to friendship, and then I ended up going to see a little pony he was treating to assist him because it was unhandled and in pain. I ended up bringing that pony home with me, and David offered his services for free - well, for a cup of tea. Didn't take long after that and we got together.

 

Here is an example of something the ex did and how David is so different to him. One evening, when I hadn't been living long with the ex and his children, I came home from work, and there was this absolutely gorgeous puppy in the living room. He ran straight over to me as though he had known me all his life and that I was his owner. The ex had bought him for me. He was 7 weeks old, a malteseXshiutzu, all white and fluffy. I hadn't asked for him and was the stunned, but the ex knew that I would fall in love with him at first sight. It was one of the loveliest gifts I ever had. We lived on a main road, and there were holes in the fence and the gate and fallen down and been taken away. I told the ex that I would fix the holes in the fence and get a new gate. The ex used every reason he could think of why he would not permit to mend or replace the fence and gate. Instead, I was expected to take the dog for many walks through the day. I worked as well and usually, the dog would be locked inside for 6 hours or so each day. Needless to say, the little dog peed on the carpet on on some occasions, against the ex's precious folio books. The ex used to tell me that I was "the worst dog-trainer in the world". He would not relent about the fence and gate and told me that he was going to set a time frame for me to have the dog toilet-trained (to hold his bladder for 6 hours inside) or I would have to get rid of the dog. I ended up leaving the house for other reasons - the ex's teenage daughter was going off the deep end, and I thought me moving out for a while might give them space to work things out. The ex told me that he and his children were ashamed and embarrassed to bring people into their home because of the smell of my dog in the house and that it was my fault. Main thing is, I kept the dog, moved to a small farm sized property which even has a great fenced in yard for a dog.

 

Fast forward now to these few months. David constantly says that my dog is one of the "coolest dogs he has ever known." My doggie is best friends with one of his dogs (Bruce). When I was in hospital, David insisted on me leaving my dog with him. He took my dog to bed with him every night and even let the dog under the sheets LOL! When I was in hospital with the cancer, before we got the full report, we knew it was carcinoma and serious, and didn't know what the most likely outcome would be. Well, we know now the outlook is good - it is treatable. Before we knew that, I told David that I will need to make plans for all my animals in case something does happen to me, either because of this cancer or something else. He told me that if anything happens to me, he wants to take care of all of my animals - he says especially, he wants to keep them all together, that it's important not to separate them. So if anything does happen to me, he is going to take my 3 ponies, my dog and my cat to live with him, his 5 horses, 2 dogs, 5 cats, 2 sheep, 1 rabbit, 1 guinea pig, 3 hens and one rooster and anything else he brings home - and there is a strong possibility the animal kingdom will grow at his place. LOL

 

My ex was very conservative and reserved and how he appeared to others was very important. David is the opposite. When I visit him on the 700 acre cattle property he lives on (he is vegetarian by the way), when I leave, he comes to my car to wave me off in the nude - except for either wearing his slippers or boots. It cracks me up and when I ask why he does that, he says: "Because I can." He says he is the most unromantic man in the world, but if you knew some of the things he has said and done, completely spontaneous, I think he might be the opposite.

 

Anyway, thanks for your patience if you have read this far. I want you all to know, that I am HAPPY and you can be too. xxxxx

[lord voldemort]

great to hear good things from you..it feels so motivating..! But i think you are being too kind to your ex..! He should get returns for his karma..!he should not repeat such with anyone..

[quirky]

wow, what a great read. I loved your update about the animals, so sweet..

[stevef20]

Chalk and cheese, that's your new nickname him and I'm guessing you know why xx

[Realitynut]

I could just picture him naked with his boots on....hehehe...I chuckled many times during the read...thanks S.B.

I just got done looking at all the pics of ex and me that we have downloaded on the computer. Vacations, New years eve, and also the picks of him and me at a beach the week before I found out about her...and I said it was the happiest day of my life....

 

so I just got done looking at those pictures, and realizing how much weight i've gain....(as I sit here drinking hot chocolate)...I have a long way to go before I am in your spot!! But I keep hoping! Since I sit home everynight....do you think a naked man with boots on will come knocking on my door??

 

 

Well, it's the coldest the seasons been all year....so I doubt anyone will be 'naked' ....unless in my dreams!

 

Did I tell you I was in a car accident...I'm not hurt, but I think my van is totalled...

 

My dad is in the process of dying... I'm hoping to get my house back in a couple of months...so I can see this year is going to have some very big changes in my life!

 

Wish I had ponies, and naked men waving goodbye to me!!! Even better...naked men waving HELLO to me...and waving anything else that happens to be blowing in the breeze....just put a cowboy hat on him, and go 'Yee-haw"....love ya SB....keep posting to keep my spirits up!

[Silverbirch]

Hugs All ((((((((((((()))))))))))) I had typed a fairly long post here last night but lost my connection.

 

Sppecial Hugs for Carla. So sorry to hear about your father and your car. Have you thought of joining a nudist club? Plenty of men likely to wave hello to you - and lots of activities such as tennis to help you not think about chocolate! I forgot to mention that there are hot air balloon joy flights which take off not all that far from David's property and often fly over his property - and this has happened when he has been naked in his yard! I tell him there could be little old ladies up there with binoculars looking at him! Yes, Carla he does have quite a few hats - an Akubra (Australian "cowboy" hat) as well as a woven straw African hat which was given to him. I'll be sure to tell him to put his hat on in future.

 

I have to say that sometimes I think David and I have quite a different personality make-up, or at least aspects of it. He is a much more pragmatic and goal-focused person. I don't think he wears his heart on his sleeve the way I do, not usually anyway. I am not expecting anything on Valentines Day as he says he doesn't believe in that sort of thing - that it's a construction of capitalism, that he tells me he loves me every day and I will get a kiss on that day as I do every day I see him. I have to say that the ex always bought me lovely things on Valentine's Day and wrote very loving messages in the cards. He always got me huge bunches of flowers. Thing is, he dumped me 3 weeks after Valentine's Day last year with the loving message and the big bunch of flowers as usual, and dinner. That was something that really puzzled me, and when I asked, he said that he was just trying to make the relationship work. That puzzled me even more.

 

Thing is, whether or not there is somebody there in place of the ex, life goes on. David may not be there forever. I have no way of knowing, although I do have hope. The thing is though that life goes on after our exes leave. If David left, I would be very, very sad, but after time, my life would go on again.

[journeynow]

Just caught up on this thread, and as always, love what you write, Silver. And you, too, Carla. You cheer me up and warm my heart. ("Wish I had ponies, and naked men waving goodbye to me!!! Even better...naked men waving HELLO to me. )

 

Carla, I'm so sorry about your father and your van. It can be rough, and I wish you well.

[Silverbirch]

Hi JN,

Good to see your post here and hope to mail you soon.

 

Well, yes I really KNOW I'm over the ex now. In hindsight, if I knew then what I know now, I would have let my previous relationship remain as a sort of romance type relationship and never moved in with him or become as involved as I did. At least at a point in time, I let myself believe that relationship was going to last forever.

 

I've had a strange weekend. Once again, as I did this time last year, I am recovering from at least one venomous spider bite. Last year, I sustained 5 bites from white tail spiders. I didn't realise they were spider bites for a while, but this time, I've been onto it much sooner. Last year, I thought I'd had a severe allergic reaction to mosquito bites. By the time I received medical attention, I'd become quite sick. I couldn't go to work today, but on broad spectrum antibiotics and analgesia now so I should be a whole lot better in a day or so and planning on going to work tomorrow.

 

I'm fairly certain I got bitten some time yesterday, and yes,initially, I thought I'd been bitten by mosquitoes (I had applied insect repellant earlier). David picked me up to take me to dinner and to a sort of surprise outing in the afternoon. On the way home back to my place, we dropped past his place so he could feed his animals. One of his dogs was quite stressed and so I suggested we stay at his place instead of mine for the night as he couldn't bring her to my place. As well, he had a job in the morning close by where he lived. It seemed like a good practical plan. He was going to drop me off at my place after his first job. WRONG.

 

I realised late last night I had been bitten by a venomous spider. Neither of us live close to hospitals or doctors so I thought I'd still be fine this morning to get to a doctor before it had become painful and infected. I ended up going to David's first job with him this morning, and then he took me to a doctor before he brought me home. I felt really bad because he had to rearrange his day for me. I wouldn't have been able to drive myself to a doctor. I lost my days work because of the spider bite (s) and I don't know yet how his day panned out. I do know he had a lot he was supposed to do today and he was a bit panicked about not being able to get it all done. Bottom line though was that he took me to doc and brought me home, and said he would do it again anytime too if needed. Even though he was cranky for part of the time,he was really wonderful and lovely to be with before he went off to do all of his own things.

 

I suppose I'm getting to know him at a deeper level and so I see his "flaws" as well as his good points. By his own admission, he gets cranky when he gets stressed, but so far, he is upfront and aware that he is like this.

 

Something else about him, a major thing, is that he is probably more realistic. Carla, you aren't going to be impressed with this, but he said to me that we have no way of knowing if we will be together in a year's time. We both hope we will, but we only have today and that we need to live as much as we can in the moment. That is very scarey for me. Partly because of being a sort of romantic person, in my relationships to date (they've all ended up being long-term), I've thought I would have been with those men forever, and of course I wasn't.

 

Maybe all along, while I was in those relationships, I just couldn't face the fact that one day, I would be saying good-bye to those men. I am by no means a brave person when it comes to those things. To be honest, I have lots of abandonment issues. Maybe I lied to myself about the reality of those relationships because to do otherwise was too painful and required more courage than I had.

 

I don't like facing up to the possibility that one day, David and I might be saying good-bye to each other - through either death or because the relationship is not working. I have to admit now that this is possible. I hope that if that day comes, I will have the courage to face that reality and the strength to move on. Finally, I was able to do that with my ex, and if I have to, one day, I will do that again.

[Realitynut]

Nope, nope, nope...don't like men who say that at all!!! I want a man who says, I will be with you for the rest of your life! I will love you forever. I told Dan all the time, "I will never leave you" (like his wife did) and I meant it!! Only thing, he never said it to me! I have big time abandament issues too! Do men have those??? I think they have 'commitment' issues. So my take is....hehehehe...David has commitment issues, so it's 'take one day at a time", I mean, we don't have to make any promises, now, do we???? *gasp*...*choke*...*can't breath*....which feeds OUR insecurities and abandament issues...'will he leave me? Is he forever? will he get crabby when I get sad, moody, fill in the blank...lol!!!

 

Same issues I have. My feeling (now don't everyone jump on me!!! lol) I DO think it's generally a man/woman thing. We want the fairytale, romantic, prince who will love us forever and all our flaws (at least I do!!! lol) til death do us part. And guys in general (esp. men like David who have been burned, and then on their own a lot) think...hey, don't fence me in! If this doesn't work out, I want to be able to BOLT!! Why can't people just stay together, through the ups and down, ins and outs of a relationship?? Why can't he just do something 'extra special' for you on valentine's day, just because he DOES LOVE you, and knows that it is important TO YOU! So what if it's not important to HIM, it's important to YOU, and makes you feel special and cared for EVEN MORE.

 

And someday, when everyone is HAPPY, and in a non-accusatory voice, just tell him so. Say, I know this isn't important to you, but V.D. and Birthday's and Anniversaries, and ANY special day, is a time to celebrate! Heck, Dan and I celebrated MONTHLY the day we met. Lots of times I gave him a card, or we got dressed up and went out to eat to celebrate...and that was even after 3 years! Then he ran off with the other woman!!! lol

 

I feel that if Valentines Day was important to HIM, but not to YOU, you would still do something special for him anyway...cuz YOU LOVE HIM!!

 

Ok. I'll quit my rampage. As you can see, this is an issue near and dear to my heart! Of course you have a MAN, and I DON"T! So someone must be doing something right. But really SB. I would let him know your feelings. Why let them sit inside you and build, and fester and hurt. Let them OUT! I believe in HONESTY!

 

Get the book on the 5 love languages as a Valentine's Day gift to HIM!!! lol...and maybe he'll understand a little more where you are coming from!!

 

O.k. on to the spider bite!!! GEEZ, maybe I AM glad I don't live in Australia! I get little bites, but nothing BAD! My nephew just had a case of MERSA!!! Now I don't have a CLUE where that came from. But apparently it's very contagious!! Mom and Dad went to Florida today. Hope dad makes it. He was feeling sick yesterday, and fell outside of McDonalds, and an ambulance was called. Banged himself up. He said then he felt bad on the inside, and the outside!

 

I am dieting...sorta...I lost 2 pounds. Only 20-25 more to go!! I forget, you don't know pounds...believe me, 2 pounds ain't much!

 

It's winter here, and has been very warm. I live right next to the Mississippi River. (the biggest river in the US) and it never froze. First time that I can remember that. today was really warm, so I walked the pup. A bald eagle kept circling...looking at pup as her next meal!! Last wk. I went to a park to walk, and a hawk dropped out of a tree and was within feet of her. I yelled and ran up to her and grabbed pup. Everyone has dogs on leashes (it's the law) but I don't believe in laws...lol...so she's always FREE...YAY...but I think I better put her on a leash for a while.

 

A few yrs. ago in Wisconsin in a park, a Great Horned owl swept down and grabbed her with one talon. 6 puncture wounds, but I was right there, and the owl let go! So yes, these birds of prey, have been eyeing my poor pup!!!

 

Have to let you know, I tiled my bathroom floor last week. Just finished today. I'm so proud!! lol

 

I'll let you go. Enjoy David, but let him know that it makes you sad when he says he might not be there 'forever', and to take one day at a time. let him know it makes you feel more 'secure' and 'loved' when he tells you that he sees a 'FUTURE' with you!! Just my 2 cents....I know a lot of people on here disagree with me...but that's how I feel, and I think you do too, SB....Love and happiness to you, Carla and pup ps...no nudist camps around here...that I know off...too fat anyway!!!

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla,

Oh I hope your Father and Pup are okay. I did some tiling last week too and happy with the result although my legs sore for the next couple of days from all the bending and squatting.

 

Firstly, I'm meeting with the ex within the next 2 hours to get the rest of my things finally. I'm doing it as a drop-by on my way to work so won't be able to collect all of it today. I'm guessing I have about 3 car loads. I really genuinely feel indifferent to meeting him - but sort of flat. Definitely don't ever want to be with him ever again. Yep, I'm DEFINITELY over him.

 

Well, as far as Valentine's Day goes, I'll have to wait and see what happens on the 14th February. I'm 100% certain there won't be a Valentine's Card or anything like that. He is one of those people who sticks to his guns, and if he says he doesn't believe in it, he means it. He might however do something nice, but refuse to attribute it to Valentine's Day. Admittedly, he tells me he loves me every day, often more than once. I know you mean well Carla, but I'm not going to say those things to him for several reasons. I'm sure it would do more harm than good and I just don't want to. I'm not going to grovel around any man again. For both of us, marriage hasn't worked out in the past, and all of my exes did at some point say they were going to be with me forever.

 

Despite all the stuff he says about not being able to guarantee a future, before he left yesterday, he gave me a big hug and held me, and said he is always going to be there for me. He sent me another couple of texts throughout the day, equally as nice.

 

Thing is, like I posted, with my exes, they always did the full thing on Valentine's Day, but it turned out to really mean nothing, especially with the most recent ex who was very cruel and cowardly, I think, in the way he dumped me 3 weeks after Valentine's Day. I burnt the card because it was as though I felt my heart break every time I read it after the break up, and I would do this useless thing of asking myself 'WHY, WHY, WHY". God I never want to have to experience anything like that again.

 

The spider bite site is much better today. After bathing it for quite some time with Detol Antiseptic and with the antibiotics kicking in, I'm sure it's going to heal quickly.

 

Well, I will let you know the outcome of seeing the ex today. Have a great day everyone. XXXX

[Silverbirch]

Well, I saw the ex today. Not sure what to say. I sort of feel sorry for him - but that doesn't mean I want to be with him. I arrived around 20 minutes before I was supposed to leave to go to work. When I arrived the back door was open and the old, lovely border collie was sitting there in the hallway. I immediately called out her name - I was thrilled to see her. She was much slower getting to her feet - she's 15 years old now, and going deaf and blind. She came up to me and as soon as she recognised it was me, she tried to jump up on me with excitement. I just hugged and hugged her and felt very emotional seeing her.

 

G came to the door while I was still hugging the old dog. I was crouched down and I think he may have expected me to hug him as well, but I didn't. We walked out to his garage where my things were stored and the dog followed. I asked if I could take the dog for a drive around the block. When I was with G, I loved taking the dog out with me in the car, and she loved it even more. I've missed her so much. We went for a short drive, and when we got back, she didn't want to get out of my car. I encouraged and helped her.

 

When we pulled up to the garage, G was sitting there in a chair, and looked as though he was going to cry. I asked him how he had been and he said: "Oh, life has been quite ordinary." He asked me if I wanted a coffee, and I checked the time and said, thanks, just a quick one. When we went inside for a coffee, he brought out a cake, one he knew was my favourite, and said he had especially gone to the bakery to buy it for me. While we had coffee, he did almost all of the talking. I realised again that he didn't even ask me how I was or what I had been doing. Nearly all of the time was spent with him telling me how things are not good in his life. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that he said he had been burgled, and although nothing sentimental was taken and some of the stolen goods were recovered, and the rest will be replaced by insurance, he was quite obviously traumatised by the burglary.

 

He also told me that he is struggling financially and that it is possible he will lose his home to the bank. Mostly, he attributes this to his daughter's private schoold fees and the child support he pays to his ex-wife. Although he saw his daughter at Xmas at the family get together, she has refused to have anything to do with him for perhaps over 3 years now.

 

I thanked him and wished him well when it was time to go. He is working from home over the next couple of days and has said it will be okay if I call in on my way to work to collect the rest of my things.

 

He actually looked okay. I thought later how the talk of his financial situation was similar to the first year I was with him - before I had moved in. Lots of money problems attributed to the very high standard of living his children were kept in and the mortgage. When I moved in with him,not only was I caring for his children, I paid rent, the same as I had at the apartment I lived in on my own. He pointed out though that it was a lovely home. Of course now, I can see what a crappy deal I got - especially having to sleep on his ex-wife's side of the bed. He had promised to replace the bed. This never happened and he even refused for us to be able to use a very similar and newer bed I had which belonged to me when I was in the apartment.

 

I felt sad for him because I think he brings on so many of his own worries and unhappiness, but he always thinks it is somebody else bringing him misfortune. Of course he must have known that I did not want to enter a very personal conversation with him, and he really didn't seem interested in anything about me. Oh he would miss me alright - well, maybe not me personally, but he would miss having someone there listening to him, giving him LOTS of attention and of course, paying my way. Maybe he will meet somebody else who will do those things for him that I used to do. The other woman/women must not be around at the present time.

 

Spoke with David this evening (our usual chat before bed). He was in one of his typically unromantic moods. I couldn't really care less, at least at the present time. I've got lots of other things taking up my mental energy. There is something though that I think I have picked up on with David. He says he couldn't care less about me having any contact with any of my exes and it's okay for me to be friends with them if I want to. I'd say this is because he is in irregular contact with most of his exes. None of them were really long relationships and they are all from more than 15 years ago, all of them married now. There is one thing I think he is sensitive about. His best friend! He has a really charming best friend named Tom who is a lovely man. When I first met him, Tom was just about falling over himself saying how fortunate David was to meet me and have in his life, and that he was very envious. In fact, he said that several times. A few times David has said to me that I could do much better than him, and that somebody like Tom could give me a much better life. Tom is very well off financially and a very social person. Tom also insisted that David bring me to the local pilot's club to meet the other pilots. David hasn't gotten around to that yet. In fact he hasn't even been flying due to time constraints. When David mentioned yesterday he was going to be seeing Tom today, I told him to say hello to him from me. He went quiet and gave me this funny look. LOL I think I know what that was about.

 

Anyway, it hasn't been a huge day, but a big enough one. I've still got some things I need to be doing so will sign off, but wish you all a good night/good day. Hugs XXXXXXXXX

[Silverbirch]

I had a very good night's sleep last night, and strange as it may sound, I feel kind of different this morning. After seeing the ex yesterday, I saw some of the qualities which attracted me to him in the first place. I think now that whilst I might find those qualities attractive, I'm not sure that men have the power to have me enarmored of them to stay around and put up with the crap that I have with the not so nice qualities which I suppose we all have - some of us just have more of them or act out on them more often.

 

Carla, my ex really DOES do all the little things you talk about which are important to you - like when he bought the cake yesterday - he used to do a lot of things like that, and lots of those sorts of things I think gave me a feeling of attachment to him. David can be quite different to that. The ex is a professional highly-educated man who has the ability to speak very nicely to people when he wants to. David on the other hand is quite different - almost opposite. He is trade-educated, but I think that I.Q. wise, he would be at least as intelligent as the ex. He can and is however, usually very blunt in the way he speaks. He can be polite with people. I've seen him be very polite, but not charming in the way G can be. G and David can both be grumpy. I don't want to hang about any man or maybe even a woman while they are in grumpy/demanding mode. It's occurred to me again this morning that I put up with a lot in that relationship, and I am mindful of never wanting to be in that position ever again.

 

I think that all of the men I have ever been with became a lot more confident and secure after they had been with me a while. I am CERTAIN that the ones who dumped me assumed that I would take them back if and when they wanted to, and all of them have made attempts to come back into my life. My ex-ex told people that breaking up with me was the biggest mistake of his life. Mind you, he didn't come to that way of thinking for quite some time. Not until the younger women were gone from the scene.

 

Not saying I want to dump David or anything, but I do have a feeling of wanting to be in my own space right now. Think I will spend the morning with my ponies and focusing on getting the things done I need to in my life. XXXX

[Silverbirch]

Sorry for going on about this, but just want to say that I feel pretty flat since seeing the ex. I'm sure it's normal, and it's a good thing that I'm seeing him in a very different light. I almost have all of my things, probably one more carload, but I don't want to go back for at least 2 weeks. When I went to get the second load, once again, I didn't say much at all. He went on and on about the issues in his life. I truly think he needs a woman alright - one with loads of money she will share with him and mother him also. When I was first with him, before I moved in, he was SO charming and appeared to be such a nice guy. At least David is very upfront about himself. He'll tell anyone he can be a grumpy bostid at times, and when he is like that, he just goes off and spends time on his own. He told me last night how he learnt a lot about himself from his years of being alone, and that it was a good thing for him. Once again, after not seeing me for a couple of days, he's telling me "I love you to bits". I don't think I've ever been with someone like him who has told me the stuff about himself which he thinks is bad and down-played the good things.

 

Anyway, when I get my last load of stuff from the ex, I'm bringing his dog home with me overnight, and then that will likely be the very last time I ever see the ex. I haven't said anything about David to him yet as he has been the one doing all of the talking. I know what I would like to say, and yes, I'd love to tell him that there is a very handsome man who I have a lot of shared interests and values with who I am sharing my life with, and that I'm hoping that all goes well.

 

Yeah, if it wasn't for getting my stuff back, there would be little if any real benefit in seeing an ex who there has been a bad break-up with - for me at least.

[Realitynut]

See! David HAS said he'll always be there for you!!! Maybe when he says 'take one day at a time', is as much for your benefit, as it is his....giving YOU an out if you so desire!!! MEN!!! We'll never figure them out!

Are you going to get David a V.D. card? Just because he doesn't believe in it, doesn't mean you DON"T! Talking about V.D. cards, I almost forgot! Last year Dan came here for Valentines, and I gave him his card. (He forgot HIS for me...hmmm) but he read it and acted funny. He said, this is the exact same card I bought for YOU! And it was. When I went to his house, he had it. Then somewhere in the last month....I think he may have thrown it away, cuz I never found it. Then on Feb. 23, I gave him an ann. card, and the next month I did find it in the garbage in his bedroom....and he never threw ANYTHING away that I wrote to him before. Saved everything.

 

I have sort of a funny dating story.

 

I am on link removed. In almost 2 months, I've had one date. This week end, I was suppose to have 2. Guy 1 lived an hour away, we emailed for about a wk. nothing personal. Guy 2 we emailed for a week...but quite a bit. Then Thurs. on the phone.. I could tell he was going to be a little possessive, and was falling for me. He live 3 hrs away in Chicago. We planned on seeing each other on Sat. and he would take me to Breakfast and see me on Sunday also. Then I told the other guy I was busy, but could see him on Fri. I told Chicago guy about it...and tried to pacify his insecurities. I even emailed him before the date, and told him I'd call or email him after the date...and not to be so concerned!!! lol

 

I got home after one in the morning, and chicago guy had emailed me 3 times at midnight saying he couldn't stand it, that he couldn't see me the next day!!! Another email said, 'you must be having a good time. I knew this wasn't going to work out. I'm not coming tomorrow."

 

All 3 were basically the same thing. I wrote back when I got home and said sorry, but do what you feel you have to!

 

We then emailed brief emails all day...he was having big time remorse for over-reacting. I told him I understood, I've done the same. (but I don't need 2 over-reacters in the relationship!!! lol)

 

His last email was sent late tonite, saying...I really miss our chats. He knows he ruined it for us (his words)...sheesh...I've never dated a jealous man before, and people always say...YOU DON"T WANT TO! He was jealous and I hadn't even met him.....

 

I may have dodged a bullet.

 

so I stayed in the house all day, and finished the bathroom. I laughed when you said your butt and legs were tired. BOY, my butt was SOOOO sore. I told people, I guess I haven't been on my hands and knees for some time!!! *wink*

 

Glad you are over ex. I still plan on going up around May 1. It would be over a year since I saw him. I still miss him. It is going to be so hard. I wish he wouldn't be there, but I'm sure he will be, so I don't STEAL anything!!! Not going to take pup with me. He doesn't DESERVE to see her. He loved her so much, and he abandoned her....so why get pup all excited...for nothing.

 

Geez, just about makes me cry still....

 

I think David has a soft heart, it just has a little crust around it!!! lol You'll soften him up yet!!!

 

EEks, I just got an email....no one emails me...I bet it's the guyfrom Chicago...let me see..lol He just emailed...'goodnight'

The previous email said, "I can't believe my feelings got so hurt by your date. I must have been falling for you. Silly, huh?

 

You want someone to fall in love with you...but can't they wait until they actually MEET you??? lol...and then not be so damn jealous and insecure?

 

I wish I had Dan without all his baggage, and that he was crazy in love with me...and I wasn't an insecure, emotional nutcase.....lol...like chicago guy!

 

Good luck with David...you sound very understanding of him. you are the kind of woman every man wants...someone who doesn't rock the boat. I rock the boat!!! lol Love ya S.B...Pup wants to go outside and pee....

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla,

Well, I posted on another thread today that I'm not going to be sitting around for anyone anymore and I took myself out on Saturday when David rang later than he said he was going to. So glad I did - and I had a good time. I will do it again too if I get the urge. I don't think David expected me to do that. He apologised and said he didn't blame me,and he has been contacting me more frequently since then. Who knows though - men and I suppose people in general can be fickle.

 

NO, I WON'T BE GETTING HIM A VALENTINES DAY. If I did, he might think I'm trying to manipulate him into feeling guilty. When I was driving home tonight, I remembered that when I was in highschool (I only did one year in a co-ed school), that year, I would have been 16 years old, I got around 5 valentines cards from boys in my class. I didn't think anything of it - I just thought "Well, I'm the new girl - and I don't like all of those boys anyway." There were around 5 other boys who I became pretty good friends with and we used to all hang out in groups. LOL! If I'd known how things change when you leave highschool, I probably would have been a lot more appreciative of those 5 valentines cards.

 

Oh Yeah, I'm SO over the ex.