emptysea Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I'm 28, and I've been with my fiancee for 7 years. We have a beautiful 3 year old boy. Rewind to October 2010, and the relationship was a little bit Rocky as we were struggling to find the balance between bringing up baby and keeping the sparkle in our relationship. I found out at the time that she had been sleeping with her friends husband, having seen some messages on facebook. I was totally distraught, lot's of emotional upset, and confusing thoughts. I also managed to coax it out of her that she kissed another man as well, an old friend of hers. However, in the end we decided to give it another go. I'd just gotten a bit promotion in work a week or two before I found out she'd cheated, my first big break onto the career ladder. However, to try and rekindle the relationship I decided I'd quit my job so that we could run away as a family and go travelling for 6 months. That was in April last year. We got back in October 2011, and it was fantastic. It was a trip of a lifetime, and we came home, I walked into an even better job, we setup a new home in a new area (but still within an hours drive from family/friends), and with my new wages over the past few weeks we've been busy buying furniture together and setting up a home I was/am really proud of, even if we are still renting. We'd made big plans about what we'd change once we got home, and we were sticking to it all for the most part. I was genuinely happy again, and everything was moving in the direction. Until last night. I was on her laptop watching magical egypt, a documentary series I've been getting really into. Anyway, having been cheated on once(or twice) my trust was broken so I've been a bit wary ever since. She'd left her facebook open on the laptop, so I started having a quick read at her messages, and I found out that she'd has sex with the old 'gay' school friend of hers who I'd allowed her to go on a night out with several weeks ago. The messages contained graphical detail about everything they'd been getting up to. He was saying how he wished they'd has sex in school, how he wished he'd gone down on her for longer, how good it had all felt etc. The thing is, this guy actually is a cross dressing gay guy. What I did already know is that they'd ended the night in A&E due to some condition with his foreskin where it had got stuck back, but she told me some gay guy was playing around with him on their night out. I'd openly been laughing about this with her, as it seemed quite unfortunate, even if I cringed at the thought of it. Now though, it goes without saying I'm feeling humiliated and emotionally empty. As a type this, my 'fiancee' is downstairs sobbing loudly as I've basically said I don't see how I'll ever forgive her. My son is in bed fast asleep. I want to throw her out, but we were genuinely happy again and I'd want more than anything for us all to be a happy family for the sake of my son. She says it was a stupid mistake, a blip, perhaps the result of her being raped when she was younger. She says she'll go to rape counselling again as maybe it's to do with some distorted view of sex, and that we could try relationship counselling. The thing is, I really don't think I can ever trust her again. She promised me she'd never do it again, regardless of whether or not she has a distorted view of sex, but she has and I find it unacceptable/unfathomable. As a type this it all sounds ludicrous, like something out of a magazine. The sad thing is, I've only shed a tear at the prospect of having my son taken away from me, and the prospect of having to tell me family we're seperated. To say it again, the thought of having my son taken away is unbearable. I've been a good father, I help around the house, we had a healthy sex life, she says she was happy, so WHY? I don't want to tear our little family apart, but do I have any choice? Is there any hope of me recovering from this? Unlike the first time she cheated, I feel completed empty this time. I have very little to say, I think I'm waiting to wake up for a very bad dream. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 She obviously cannot stay faithful. She is putting your sexual health at risk by cheating with other people. She has broked your trust and disrespected you. You gave her a chance...how many more do you have to give? Plus she can't 'take' your son away. Contact a laywer asap. Link to comment
magicman89 Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 i feel so sorry for you. try to stay strong i do believe you need some time apart, if you dont have any time apart she will just keep doing it because she will know your always there! if she is serious about the counciling she will do it weather your with her or not!, what ever you do atleast spend sometime away from her to think things through because yes there is a child involved but not always is it best for the child to be around 2 parents fighting in these cases Link to comment
LBP Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Contact a laywer asap. Good advice. The sooner you have a good family law attorney on your side, the sooner you can start dictating terms and making this thing work for you rather than against you. Print out those facebook messages. Link to comment
emptysea Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 I understand what you're saying, althought the child wouldn't be around arguments. I'm not the arguing type. However, it's only been 24 hours and already my son has picked up on the fact we're a bit emotional. His nursery picked up on it already, isn't that crazy? I've only spent about an hour with him since I found out! (The evening putting him to bed, and this morning before he left) He was asking the staff there if they were sad as well. I thought I'd done a good job of hiding it. That's what I'm worried about, if we did stay together but without truly fixing things he'll notice that his parents are disconnected and grow up thinking that is normal. Link to comment
emptysea Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 Good advice. The sooner you have a good family lawyer on your side, the sooner you can start dictating terms and making this thing work for you rather than against you. Print out those facebook messages. We have the issues that we have few friends. We're in Manchester, and she was considered staying with a friend in Liverpool (an hour away) and taking our son with her. We're in a little bit of debt after our travels, nothing unmanageable, but I cannot afford to time time of work. She hasn't found a job yet, so obviously she's free to look after our son and I'm not. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 You need to get joint custody, so contact a laywer and get the evidence you need. Your son deserves parents that arents sad, and a mom that isnt cheating on his dad. You also deserve a LOT more. You gave her a chance and did the best you could. Now I think shes pushed it too far personally, i couldnt stay with someone like that Link to comment
emptysea Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 I want to take time apart, but as just mentioned after your post the best solution we could come up with would be her moving to her friends in Liverpool with our son, 1 hour away! Thankfully we only took a 6 month lease when we got back from travels, so I only have to worry about this property until may. For the time being she's in the spare room. Link to comment
emptysea Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 You need to get joint custody, so contact a laywer and get the evidence you need. Your son deserves parents that arents sad, and a mom that isnt cheating on his dad. You also deserve a LOT more. You gave her a chance and did the best you could. Now I think shes pushed it too far personally, i couldnt stay with someone like that Thanks, I don't think many people could stay with someone like that. So far I've said I'll consider trying a single couple counselling thing, but I honestly think they'd say the same thing. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 You know what you need to do your just reluctant to take the first step. You can do it. Link to comment
emptysea Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 You know what you need to do your just reluctant to take the first step. You can do it. I've asked my brother for some advice, he's in a another time zone (-8 hours), but will be interested to see his take on things when he finishes work at about 1am my time Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Any person would tell you that giving it one chance was a good thing to do, but, the fact you find out, that shes broken that trust a second time...she obviously isnt willing to change. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do though, I hope you can work it all out one way or another and be happy. Link to comment
emptysea Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 Thanks, it's food for thought. It also doesn't help that she has tried to commit suicide at least once, before I met her. She OD'd on some kind of pills at uni, and she still has scars from where she used to cut herself. A long time ago, but it's still a concern at times like these. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 You can't stay with someone for fear of her hurting herself. You can tell her to get counselling, but just because she has issues doesnt mean you should be miserable and put up with her cheating on you, shes putting your health at risk sleeping around. Most men would have gone the first time she did this, taking her back a second time wouldnt be advisable by me. Link to comment
emptysea Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 Well, on the subject of lawyers I've found the original thread from Oct 2010 where she was discussing the initial cheating in detail with the first guy. It was msn messenger, not facebook, I'd forgotten... not that it matters. Getting a screenshot of the recent discussion on facebook will be difficult unless her password is saved anywhere. I'll try, just in case I go through with this. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Like I said, I hope you come to a decision and one that will make you and your child happy. Best of luck. Link to comment
CindyTime Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I remember the night that I found out about my ex H's affair, and all the pain I went through. I do not wish that kind of hurt on anyone. You deserve to be with someone you can trust. You deserve to be happy. If changing is important to her, she will do it whether she is with you or not. Only you can decide what you want to do. But like some have already mentioned, it would be good to go ahead and talk to an attorney about your child. That will give you some comfort and control that you may not feel like you have right now. Best wishes to you! Link to comment
emptysea Posted January 19, 2012 Author Share Posted January 19, 2012 Would anyone on here tell their parents about something like this, or work it out themselves? Link to comment
LBP Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 Would anyone on here tell their parents about something like this, or work it out themselves? Why wouldn't you tell your parents?? Link to comment
emptysea Posted January 21, 2012 Author Share Posted January 21, 2012 Why wouldn't you tell your parents?? I guess 1. because that would mean dealing with it head on, and 2. might be a bit upsetting. Ok, that's lame I know... Link to comment
emptysea Posted May 5, 2013 Author Share Posted May 5, 2013 Wish I'd have taken peoples advice, would have saved some heartache: Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.