Ever date a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder?

[Cheetarah]

I've been diagnosed with BPD, and while sometimes it has caused issues in relationships (btw, I was untreated and not in therapy, not by choice but docs refused to treat me!)

 

Why did they refuse to treat you? Insurance purposes? Stigma? I'm very curious.

 

I was dxed with BPD over 14 years ago and have had treatment for the majority of those years. I also had a relationship with someone who had it as well, untreated and totally unwilling to even try to help himself. After that is when I gained a lot of empathy for the people with whom I've had relationships with over the years. Despite how painful it was, I consider it a gift because it let me see things from another perspective. Putting myself in someone's shoes was incredibly hard because I was stuck in my own head.

 

And knowing what it's like from the other side still didn't give me much comfort in the unraveling of the relationship. Some of the things that were done blew my mind and I couldn't wrap my head around it - I tried and realized it was essentially fruitless to put all my energy into the whys and hows...And just focus on myself and what drew me to that relationship. That was one of the most painful yet enlightening experiences for me thus far - It really put me in touch with some core issues I had been avoiding or blind to altogether. When you have the ego strength to do that, you will walk away from a painful and abusive relationship so much stronger than you ever knew you were capable of. I had to pass through a lot of anger and resentment towards him, and myself, before I was gifted with that clarity...And I really do consider it a gift.

 

I wish the same for you, OP.

[ButterflyWrists]

Why did they refuse to treat you? Insurance purposes? Stigma? I'm very curious.

 

In all honesty I don't know. I was being treated, but my shrink went off sick along with my care co-ordinator and I had to see a different shrink, and while she agreed with the diagnosis, she didn't believe I needed treatment. So I've been stuck, I've gone to ask for help many times, but been turned down and it's now at the point where I don't want to ask for help, I think it's more the fact I asked for help, rather than be referred (to her anyway and others since) I don't get it but still...

[doyathink]

Lol good idea to mention the sarcasm in you next post as sarcasm can be so hard to read it text.

According to what available information is online, BPD is more predominant in males than females.

I hope I don't have it myself.

 

I can get pretty moody but I know to hide away during those times or at least keep my mouth shut.

 

I can be pretty moody myself, and worse with hormonal changes...but Ive learned to control it better too. These ppl have no control. My ex would wake me up at 5am screaming at me, waking up the whole house, over something so small most ppl wouldnt even get upset at. He was explosive. Then he'd calm down just as fast as he exploded. A true mind f that man.

[In the Dark]

Hm...

 

I do remember moments where my ex would say she doesn't like this or that leaving me with a look of disbelief because she would have been doing exactly what she says she doesn't like doing with one of her best friends appearing to have a great time.

 

There would even be moments where she would snap and become that person briefly and just a moment prior it looked like she was about to burst.

It's hard to explain, it was like a switch of face expression and then this build up, then all of a sudden blurts out enthusiastically wanting to do what she said she did not enjoy doing a weeks ago.

 

Again leaving me with this look of disbelief.

[Jack3d]

Mine got POed and lost it because the pizza guy forgot to add the 2 extra sauces to her order and she had paid $4 for them. She got so POed that she stormed out of my apartment and I didn't hear from her for almost 3 days afterward. Just little things that someone normally wouldn't get very upset over would set her off like an atom bomb.

[In the Dark]

Lol MIND the sauces!

 

That's embarrassing and pathetic really.

It's worse than a kid.

I think if BPD person becomes comfortable around someone, they may also really let loose with their behavior which they may hold back for an everyday stranger.

[SadMan]

First of all, I am on the same boat as you. I am the receiving end of the NPD/BPD from my GF. I think everyone have a little BPD in them. I sometimes find myself in that situation when I am extremely angry at something or drunk. But nothing compare to the full extend of a BPD.

 

There are times we order from the pizza guy and they forget to put on her favorite toppings or soda but she never blow up on strangers other than "ME"

 

Do you notice anything before she blow up like that? Mine have not take it to that level. She is only expressing BPD towards me and only me thats all I can see. I can tell she (my GF) is very cautions of how people sees her. She always have to have an GOOD "IMAGE" in the public eyes.

 

Basically my question is, I want to know if the next level of the BPD is blowing up on anyone for little things?

 

Or what other levels can they take it to?

 

Thanks

 

 

Mine got POed and lost it because the pizza guy forgot to add the 2 extra sauces to her order and she had paid $4 for them. She got so POed that she stormed out of my apartment and I didn't hear from her for almost 3 days afterward. Just little things that someone normally wouldn't get very upset over would set her off like an atom bomb.

[Jack3d]

Nah, she doesn't blow up on strangers, only around people that she knew. I told her that he forgot the sauces in the car, so he was going to go down stairs and get them, but she said to forget it, he already screwed up. She's also blown up out of the blue and hit me with her car one night. We hung out all day at the beach, had been drinking, and had a wonderful time. We got home, she blew up over something small again, grabbed her car keys, got in the car and when I tried to stop her (i was standing on the inside of the open car door), she put it in reverse and hit me with the door as she backed out. All she remembers is coming home at 5 am and I was gone. To this day she denies anything ever happened and that I had apparently left her at the beach and took a cab home.

 

ETA: I had it BAD with this chick.

[somethngwrng]

My ex showed many, if not all of the BPD characteristics at a strong level. She was completely unwilling to control it or accept responsibility for her behaviour. It was a nightmare and even after our break up things got worse - she did not completely leave my life (partly my fault, though it generally involved recovering belongings which she was being difficult about). I was the target of her anger and manipulation on more than one occasion post break up.

 

You should feel very proud of yourself for taking responsibility in your condition. I know, had my ex done the same, she would have been a much better person. Instead she blames anyone but herself for her condition, bringing others into her personal dramas (which are constant).

 

The stories I could tell.... none of them make any sense

[SadMan]

WOW,

 

That sounds exactly like what I am going through.

 

She would do something that is out of proportion and then denies anything happened. I dont know if she did this because she truly dont remember or on purpose?

 

Throwing things around the house is pretty much the norm now. she throw her Ipad accross the room, throw her iphone, on the ground, computer, anything, you name it. Its like an explosion of rage. things gets broken then I buy her new ones when she realized what should have done and cry about it afterwards.

 

Its like a two different person!!

[Jack3d]

OMG, man, if I knew how to post pics on here I'd show you the pics of when she destroyed her living room. Broke a huge mirror, lamps, and other things. It was insane. Her excuse: "At least it wasn't at your house and it wasn't your things."

 

WOW,

 

That sounds exactly like what I am going through.

 

She would do something that is out of proportion and then denies anything happened. I dont know if she did this because she truly dont remember or on purpose?

 

Throwing things around the house is pretty much the norm now. she throw her Ipad accross the room, throw her iphone, on the ground, computer, anything, you name it. Its like an explosion of rage. things gets broken then I buy her new ones when she realized what should have done and cry about it afterwards.

 

Its like a two different person!!

[somethngwrng]

The reason she doesn't blow up on strangers is because she doesn't have an emotional attachment to them. She doesn't fear being engulfed or abandoned by them. If you haven't already, I'd advise looking up Poppa's posts on this forum. They are good reads and give good insight into how the mind of a BPDer works in relationships.

[Jack3d]

And on another note, to the guys that have dated someone with BPD, how was your sex life? Ours didn't exist. We had sex about once every 4-6 weeks. She was so self-conscious about her body that it drove me sexually nuts. I had never been so sexually frustrated in my life...and she was a bikini model, always winning competitions, etc. She had an AMAZING body that I could NEVER EVER touch.

[somethngwrng]

And on another note, to the guys that have dated someone with BPD, how was your sex life? Ours didn't exist. We had sex about once every 4-6 weeks. She was so self-conscious about her body that it drove me sexually nuts. I had never been so sexually frustrated in my life...and she was a bikini model, always winning competitions, etc. She had an AMAZING body that I could NEVER EVER touch.

I find that unusual as I've read most BPDers use sex as a tool to "trap" someone into the relationship. My ex seemed perfectly sexually compatible with me, however I've read that she wasn't necessarily enjoying the sex. She may have just figured out what I like and morphed into that sexually. In the beginning she would make me have sex with her so often that I couldn't keep up. By the end I pretty much had to beg for it.

[Jack3d]

Hmm...might have just been her low self esteem, I guess, because I was begging for it since day 1 of the relationship. She wasn't very affectionate. We never even made out, cuddle, hold hands...nothing. She was pretty dead when it came to affection.

 

I find that unusual as I've read most BPDers use sex as a tool to "trap" someone into the relationship. My ex seemed perfectly sexually compatible with me, however I've read that she wasn't necessarily enjoying the sex. She may have just figured out what I like and morphed into that sexually. In the beginning she would make me have sex with her so often that I couldn't keep up. By the end I pretty much had to beg for it.

[somethngwrng]

Maybe if she had you hooked from the start, she never needed to use sex as a tool then. My ex was not as physically attractive as yours, from the sounds of it.

[Jack3d]

Well trust me, I'm def not bragging about it because she was really beginning to have me question my sanity at one point, which is why I finally left her. And the way I see it, whether she was attractive or not, she still had BPD issues and she needs help. She's a very very lost woman and I don't see how she will EVER find anyone that will truly love her for her. I hate saying that because I do love her and care a great deal for her and her son, but she can't control her BPD and it will ruin her life.

 

Maybe if she had you hooked from the start, she never needed to use sex as a tool then. My ex was not as physically attractive as yours, from the sounds of it.

[somethngwrng]

Oh, I wasn't saying you were bragging about it. My ex was attractive enough for me and manipulated my thoughts well enough to fall for her despite treating our relationship like yesterday's garbage.

 

To be harsh: your ex will find another person that loves her for her. Even if she doesn't, she will manipulate someone into feeling that, don't you worry. Remember the stories she told you about her ex boyfriends and how badly they treated her? She's telling those stories to someone else right now... about you.

 

Your ex will most likely treat whoever falls in love with her next, with the same kind of respect that she treated you with. She'll fall into infatuation, split them white ("you're perfect/I'm so in love"), start endless fights and anger episodes, split them black ("why are you doing this? don't you love me? what is wrong with you? you are messed up in the head. I can't do this. You've hurt me so badly") and then fall into a crying heap before moving onto the next victim.

 

Don't discount your ex's feelings: all the times they raged and cried, they truly felt those emotions. All the times they yelled and argued about what seemed like an alternate reality, they were living in that alternate reality. They believed everything and they believe you are the cause of all the problems.

[Jack3d]

Nothing I can say to that except Amen. You said it perfectly and I feel sorry for the next guy...and the one after that...etc.

[Jack3d]

Oh, and know what else is crazy? I have voice recordings of her going bananas on me. I've played them back to her and she still denies it, so when you say she's living in an alternate reality, you're not kidding!

[somethngwrng]

It's amazing how much someone can deny reality. Generally when backed into a corner there is straight up denial while yelling "I don't want to talk about this. Conversation over".

 

It sends you crazy too, because you get so confused about the situation. You begin to lose yourself in her mind. I haven't a doubt you probably questioned whether you were the one causing problems, and questioned your own sanity a few times.

 

I suggest going hard and permanent NC on her now. Don't snoop, don't respond to her calls. Don't fall for it if she begs, she's only trying to manipulate you again. Get your sanity back.

[O-shen]

Been there for 8 years and am still there and am ONCE AGAIN trying and regain and maintain a healthy relationship with her.

 

I used to think i was crazy, useless etc. But after 8 years, i think she truly has serious BPD. What i find terrible is that it seems most BPD'ers deny that there is anything wrong. They are also generally quite intelligent. I had a look at a few checklists, and it really seems to me that she 100% has BPD.

 

My girlfriend has threatned suicide over 10 times, and will walk off in a rage and say she is going to hang herself, gas herself or stand in front of a train. We will be having a discussion, which leads to an argument, in which she is immediately on the offensive. She will turn and twist words and events and not let me respond. By the time i have thought of a rational reply to the last verbal outburst, its too late, as she is already changed the subject to the time i forgot to put out the washing in 1998. It's like watching a school of argument fish, dashing here and there, desperately trying to avoid the truth shark.

 

In the end i give up, she simply becomes so unreasonable that i cant communicate with her. When i try to walk away, she will chase me still yelling, block doorways, and if i try to leave, stands or lays in front of my car. She also says horrible things in the heat of the moment. that i am a waste of her life, that i am pathetic. She has even got a pen and reworded poems i have written her so that they have a totally opposite meaning

 

I can buy her surprise presents, or cover her bed in freshly picked rose petals, and that might buy me a little bit of time with no conflict, maybe an hr or 2, if i am lucky. But the next day, its all forgotten, and i am scum of the earth. Nothing is her fault, and she denies any responsibility. Little things are blown well out of proportion. Its just drama, drama, drama. Theres only 2 states she's in, having a nice cuppa and a chat.......or....about to slam the fist down on the nuclear launch button. You just never know, which state you might be in, let alone wake up too. Waking up and instantly enduring a world war 3 is a sure way to screw therest of your day up.

 

Quite frankly, i dont know why i put up with it. I am not perfect, but i am kind, caring, honest and comprising. I am laid back and generally down to earth, and have a sense of humour that can make almost anyone smile. But when i am with her, it just drains the life out of me. The people at my work call her the " happiness vampire". When she is good, she is an angel, but when she's bad, i could repeatedly headbutt a brickwall for some gentle comfort away from her.

 

She is on anti-depressants, drinks heavily and smokes alot of pot and cigarettes. I find this makes her mental state highly unstable, and although she gets so angry at me, i believe i am one of the main things in her life that keep her grounded. I comfort her and console her in her times of need, yet dont get alot in return.

 

Perfect example was last night. I saw her during the day, and she came into my work saying how badly she wanted to have sex with me, and all this other kinky stuff. She has a habit of saying these things, getting me excited, then falling through completely. So yesterday i even said to her, dont say things your not going to follow through on with a smile, and she says i will show you later. After work i am ctaching up with a friend at the pub and she wants to come down. Although i have had to much to drink, i drive to get her, because she is short on money and has already lost her licence .....twice. So i get her, bring her there and pay for her drinks. The we leave and get home, i start getting frisky with her and she just shuts me down, and decides instead to eat all of my chocolates and lollies i have beside the bed. Inside it kind of makes me rage, because i knew she would do this, but i have learnt its better to smile and say " thats okay" and pretend i am fine. But even this isnt enough, and she rolls over on me and starts saying thats all i care about, and maybe she shouldnt be with me and that i just think she's a horrible person. In the morning i make her coffee, apologize for the night before for trying to have sex with her, and drive her to her car. So far, i havent heard from her since. Umm what happened here? Apart from me not having a backbone lol?

 

End of the day, i dont let myself get walked over like that all the time. I do stand up for myself quite often, but often i know how much energy its going to consume, that i simply dont bother. I do love her, very much. But i also pity her, and myself at times. I have been sucked into this spiralling cycle, and its just such hard work to maintain. Just reading what i have written, i think i must be insane. But only someone who has dated a BPD person could understand what its like, especially for over 8 years. Its very toxic and soul destroying, and i wish i had what it took to walk away, even if that meant i was alone for ever. But for the moment, i continue to fight the good fight ( the stupid fight) and hope by some miracle of the baby jesus, that something will change. But its quite likely they will have teraformed mars before that happens.

[Cheetarah]

O-shen, when you write down what you say, do you ever go back and look at it later on, maybe when you're in a different state of mind?

 

How can you regain, maintain and nurture a healthy relationship when neither of you are healthy?

 

You need to stop waiting for her to change and change yourself. In the end that's all anyone can do. If you were in a healthy state, you would say "No way, Jose, I don't deal with this." Love has less to do with it than people think. I don't think you're insane, but I think you're unbelievably starved for the drama - As in, it feeds a need in you. When will you stop complaining about how she(and you) sucks the life out of you and take a real step towards leaving these 'maybes' 'one days' and potentials behind? You can't hold on for someone's potential. There may be beautiful, lovely things(though if you look at all your posts, mentioned are few and far between - I hope that speaks to you) within her but she is destructive and you are just as.

 

Being with someone who rides a rollercoaster all day long and invites us to take a spin is, in a very weird way, thrilling and addicting. Everything seems bland, post. You get higher than high then drop suddenly. But you hang on for that incline because it feels so good. But at what expense, O?

 

Let's look at this objectively:

 

She is on anti-depressants, drinks heavily and smokes alot of pot and cigarettes. I find this makes her mental state highly unstable, and although she gets so angry at me, i believe i am one of the main things in her life that keep her grounded. I comfort her and console her in her times of need, yet dont get alot in return.

- I think this is a REALLY important thing to address here. False belief that you keep her grounded and what, somewhat functional. You have essentially made yourself obligated to her, responsible for her. You don't get support in return - NATURALLY.. This is not a parent/young child relationship, but it's playing out as such. You are not her guardian. And you'll continue to go back, for the rest of your life, if you operate under this thought that it's you, you're the special one that grounds her and keeps her somewhat stable, as stable as she is capable of being. You are not. It's a dangerous belief for the both of you. Enabling her by pacifying her tantrums because you're emotionally exhausted is only reinforcing on her end, that this is 'ok' and acceptable behavior. And she will continue to do it because it bears next to nothing for a consequence. The end result? No light bulb moment wake up call here, hun. The end result is that - She'll keep doing it. You'll keep exhausting yourself. You'll try to find 600 different ways to quell her anger and outbursts. You'll briefly feel victorious when it seems to 'work' but you will be right back at square one because you're teaching her that it's ok to do these things.

 

If you are going to attempt to maintain a relationship with such unhealthy dynamics, if you can't bring yourself to cut the ties yet, you have to start on a healthy path, SOMEWHERE. Most often this results in the end of the relationship, because for a dysfunctional relationship to keep going on like this, both people are dancing their part of the tango. Boundaries are extremely important in relationships like these. They are often met with even MORE rage because you've, well, HAD NONE for pretty much the length of the relationship. You've been a doormat. Wipe my feet on you, don't mind if I do.

 

link removed - Read this.

 

I can't express to you HOW IMPORTANT boundaries and properly communicating them are. Yes, it may certainly fall on deaf ears, over and over. But it's not for them. It's not to get them to 'act right'. Expect no positive change in behavior, because likely you'll be met with a lot of resistance. But it's for YOU. It's so you DON'T feel like you've been completely drained, it's to maintain YOUR sanity and well-being.

 

If you won't leave...You can either continue to pacify her, or you can at the very least, start taking care of yourself. I can't see the first boding well - Except perhaps that it'll buy the relationship more time because she can treat you as she pleases and you'll be there. But I see many positives in the second - If you expecting to be treated with respect and kindness is going to break apart the relationship, it is NOT one you want. Is it?

[Stay_home]

I haven't dated someone with BPD, but based on the responses this thread is getting I don't think I ever will...

[FutureRewind]

This is the best site on the web for BPD. It may also tell you much about who you are. With a BPD partner for a long time? You have to ask yourself why.

 

link removed

 

When I think back now to when I started dealing with my own personal issues and core defectiveness in therapy, I don't think it's by chance that my next two relationships were with BPD women. Since I had never encountered someone like that before the change in my level awareness about who I was and the effect of that on my personality meant I became appealing to someone with BPD. (and vice versa to an extent). BPD types like those who have a level of defectiveness as those types will fix and rescue in response to criticism, blame, shame, manipulation and control.

 

The second one ended up pregnant so I'm tied to her for life. Now that's a tough one to deal with. I had got myself to a level of emotional health and walked away but I've had to go through hell (and court) to see my son. I had to go back for some further counselling just to ensure I'd broken the toxic attachment and could put in place firm boundaries when dealing with my son. I empathise with everyone on this thread. Just remember... look at who you are. Your BPD partner could be a gift as someone already mentioned.