Is his behavior considered controlling or him just being "in control?"

[egygirl]

I am not sure I am happy, to be honest. I got into a relationship with him because he appreciated me, unlike my ex bf's and seemed to be respectful, religious, mature, and knew what he wanted in life, and encouraged me to keep fit. He is a serious person. In the beginning, I wasn't really attracted to him, but told myself, looks aren't everything, you have to look at his personality, and he was a winner. I was afraid I may not get a second chance because I'm not getting any younger. Another thing, he is younger than me, and I am more educated than he is. I have a professional college degree, unlike him.

 

But here is the problem, over time, he started to show new behaviors. He started to show that he couldn't manage his anger. He would get angry over small things, such as me not listening to him when he told me not to catch a taxi and instead let him do it. He's a pro soccer player, so he wanted me to wear a certain outfit to one of his games...so he got angry when I wanted to wear a different shirt that he didn't pick out. And he shouted over the phone at me! I was shocked!!

 

He also over analyzes things. And likes to pick arguments and try to pick holes in statements I make. Or takes everything at face value, instead of trying to understand what I mean. And I have to listen to him for an hour or more when he wants to prove a point or talk about what he thinks is wrong with me. I feel he treats me like I am arm candy, as he says I am more attractive than him. He likes to brag to his friends openly. He tells them I am his wife. He spends a lot of time with me, sometimes I feel he loves me, and sometimes, I'm not sure what it is!

 

And more seriously, he gets angry when I don't feel like having sex. It is painful for me, and I told him this, so it puts me off, because I cannot stand the pain. So he tells me I am selfish and starts to put me down. And says I won't find another guy who will love me like he does and give me the attention that he does. He also gets mad if I argue with him and defend my point. He told me once, he will control this relationship not me! He told me he knows he has problems, but he said there are a lot of things about me that annoy him, but the good qualities that I have, though few, are more of value than all the things that annoy him.

 

I feel sooo sad. He says he loves me and I am the one for him..but at the same time, he yells at me and puts me down. And I told him he is too harsh, And she tells me, it's his culture and he will not baby me. I don't know what to do...I feel lost...he wants to marry me, and has even involved his family in his plans to do so. But I don't know....what do you think?

[RISK]

Run don't look back, hope to see you in the healing after breaking up forum soon. Trust me it doesn't get better it get way worse. Google CONTROLLING PEOPLE. There is tons on the web. I married someone like this, for forty months, 3 weeks and 4 days, I left in 1991. And recently met someone who too became controlling , but I loved him and I gave pieces of myself away freely. We broke up in Novemebr looking back, I gave he took.

[East4]

Your boyfriend's behavior is certainly controlling and it tends to become worse as time goes on. After some time he would only focus on what annoys him and this will be each time you stand up for yourself and your opinions. The belittling will become worse and most probably will escalate to physical violence if you ressist his attempts to control you. Worse part is that he will not feel remorse for what he does to you, because in his mind you "deserve" the mistreatment by not obeying to him and you would be the bad guy.

 

Be also aware that some oriental cultures do not condemn abuse of women as it fits in their frame of believes. If you are a modern woman, raised in occidental country/culture, the clashes are inevitable.

 

Run away. Until you still can do it.

 

Good luck to you.

[DylanNotorious]

You have a controller on your hands, I mean what nationality is he? He sounds middle eastern. If that's the case, get rid of him pronto!

[RISK]

Bravo East four, perfectly said. I have worked in battered women shelter and can not tell you how many women that stayed hoping and waiting for them to change, always believing the I'm sorry. And then if you don get away and try to stay away, if theY successfully manipulate you back. You will pay dearly.

[egygirl]

He's African. And he tells me that he knows I will leave him one day....and that he doesn't know if he is happy. But then he is talking like this because he is angry, but he doesn't mean it. He says he really does love me ... I always tell him he has unrealistic expectations. He compares me to his ex girl friends. Saying they did a lot of things I don't do, such as cook a lot for him, and be enthusiastic about sex and were more affectionate. I can't be affectionate, when I am put down and am afraid to say no to him. He says he is not with them because they didn't know God. I know God, but why does he pounce on me?!

[East4]

I read Lundy Bancroft's book "In the mind of angry and controlling men" that on average an abused women leave their abusers 7 times before they finally do it once and for all. And each time it is more and more difficult to leave, because every return reassures the abuser that he still has the woman under his tumb, and his controlling becomes tighter and tighter. All the excuses, "I'm sorry", promisses to change, honey moon periods following immediately after the abuse, are plain manipulations aiming at sucking back the victim back in the cycle of abuse.

 

The worst behaviour of an abusive men is triggered when the woman tries to break up with them, 50% of women killings are attributed to domestic violence/assessinations by victim's partners. That's why I have adviced Egygirl to run away as soon as possible until the relationship has not been solidified. She will have to expect some nasty episodes if she chooses (and i hope so very much) to leave his boyfriend.

[metrogirl]

Don't do it.