blueidealist24 Posted January 1, 2012 Author Share Posted January 1, 2012 Btw, I met another friend from high school today.. he used to be into me but I stopped seeing him in a dating sense after one date because I was attacted to the other guy (who used to be his friend).. we had a good time too today but I don't feel clingy/like sending a million messages or crawling on my hands and knees begging for him to be in a relationship with me. That isn't my normal personality. That guy, the sexual pic one, does something to my head to make me CRAZY. The other high school friend was sort of trying to defend him, saying that he was acting really out of character with me and he probably did like me but got scared because that's the kind of person he is. My other friend didn't know about the sexual pic though. I'm not telling anybody about THAT. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 He doesn't do anything to you as far as your reaction. You choose your reaction to your feelings and the faster you can take full responsibility for how you choose to react to how you feel the better your relationships will be. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 2, 2012 Author Share Posted January 2, 2012 He doesn't do anything to you as far as your reaction. You choose your reaction to your feelings and the faster you can take full responsibility for how you choose to react to how you feel the better your relationships will be. You do choose your own reaction, but other people do influence it.. can't expect me to be completely emotionless.. if someone treats me with respect, I will not react poorly and if someone treats me with disrespect, like that guy, of course I'll be mad. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 You do choose your own reaction, but other people do influence it.. can't expect me to be completely emotionless.. if someone treats me with respect, I will not react poorly and if someone treats me with disrespect, like that guy, of course I'll be mad. You cannot be mad when you encouraged his disrespect by participating. If you refuse to accept your share of the blame, you will continue to repeat this pattern in the future. I'd also stop talking about him/the details of your interaction to mutual friends. It will all go back to him and he will view you as more crazy/clingy/needy. Not that it matters what he thinks at this point, but I think you want to maintain your dignity as much as possible. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 2, 2012 Author Share Posted January 2, 2012 You cannot be mad when you encouraged his disrespect by participating. If you refuse to accept your share of the blame, you will continue to repeat this pattern in the future. I'd also stop talking about him/the details of your interaction to mutual friends. It will all go back to him and he will view you as more crazy/clingy/needy. Not that it matters what he thinks at this point, but I think you want to maintain your dignity as much as possible. I don't think the friend is going to say anything to him, honestly. The first guy hardly talks to any of his old high school friends anyway. He doesn't care about maintaining friendships with any of them, really, he even said so. He probably blocked a bunch of them like he blocked me. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 You do choose your own reaction, but other people do influence it.. can't expect me to be completely emotionless.. if someone treats me with respect, I will not react poorly and if someone treats me with disrespect, like that guy, of course I'll be mad. Please reread what I wrote. You are entitled to feel all emotions you feel. You choose the reaction. The reaction is completely within your control. If someone treats you with disrespect you might feel badly and you can choose to walk away from that person (that's what I try to do if possible) or you can choose to tell the person how you feel or many other alternatives. But you control your reaction to the emotion even though you don't control your emotion. You can be mad and choose not to act in an angry way towards the person - if someone on the street annoys you and you feel like punching the person and you do, did that person make you punch him? Of course not - you felt the emotion that you could not control but you controlled your choice to punch the person or not as a reaction. Learn the difference ASAP so you don't keep up this illusion of "others make me do things". You can play the victim and have a pity party and short term that will feel comfy. Long term it's counterproductive to finding a lasting relationship. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 2, 2012 Author Share Posted January 2, 2012 Well, the friend might actually have been talking to the first guy. The friend just saw me for the first time in 9 years yesterday. He invited me to his place kinda in the middle of nowhere TODAY. I was smart though and said no. I said I'd have another coffee with him if he wanted, but didn't even mention why I wouldn't go to his place. Since I'm not attracted to him I can't be fooled. Link to comment
jeneyw Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 I was in a similar situation with a guy, mainly that I was obsessed with him although he wasn't interested in me and I was devastated after I told him multiple times I was interested in him and chased and threw myself and made myself look crazy when he didn't want to talk to me anymore and I found out he was in a relationship with someone else. I'm still not over it, but now it is not because I miss him, it's because I see how awful I was around him. My feelings for him were so messed up. I had no reason for wanting him in my life except that it was what I wanted. I couldn't give you a positive thing he had done for me to show me he cared or that he liked me and would be great in a relationship. I was the one that initiated everything, I knew that, but I still wanted him to want me. To have him tell me how wonderful and amazing I was, even though I didn't believe it myself. Now, I know that this relationship was unhealthy - for both of us. And for whatever reason, he allowed it to continue as long as I did. Not by participating, but by allowing me to act and act and act without setting me straight on his side of things. I know he didn't need to stop anything, he didn't do anything wrong. He was distant, I chased him. I fell apart when he wouldn't speak to me, and I couldn't sleep for days when I found out he was in a serious relationship with someone else. Because I believed what I wanted in my head. Not talking to him and not having him in my life shows me that I'm stronger for not being so dependent, reliant, needy, etc. because I do know what I wanted now - someone in my life who wanted to hear what I had to say, that cared about me. And he didn't. I thought he was the right guy, because he had liked me 13 years ago. But he hadn't spent 13 years thinking about coming back to me, I spent 13 years someday wishing we would get back together. That, in itself, is incredibly scary reflect on. Take time away from this guy. Date other guys. Don't place all your hopes on this guy, because it isn't healthy. I think once time passes you will hopefully see the situation a little more clearly, and realize it is better for both of you to be away from each other. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 Turns out I found him on the online dating site again, posing as a new person! He must have turned off all the girls that were on there already, and now has to make them think he's a different guy! Bahaha. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I think that the fact that this guy and I both kind of lack close friends led to.. this. Why don't you have close friends? I had a huge fight with him today .... I think you should stop talking to him. Turns out I found him on the online dating site again, posing as a new person! He must have turned off all the girls that were on there already, and now has to make them think he's a different guy! Bahaha. Or he may have been trying to hide from you. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 5, 2012 Author Share Posted January 5, 2012 Turns out I found him on the online dating site again, posing as a new person! He must have turned off all the girls that were on there already, and now has to make them think he's a different guy! Bahaha. No, his profile clearly implies that he's new to the site - 'I'm a nice guy who just got bored and decided to check out the scene here' - when he was on there for A YEAR, and since he kept me on facebook until we had the fight, I don't think he was trying to hide AT THAT POINT. Now, yes, he is trying to hide but I'm glad he's gone. Also, he went out with me AFTER he had deleted the first online dating account. I think that he was trying to fool me into thinking he was going to commit to me so I would have sex with him, since I said I'd only have sex in a relationship. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 I think that you're thinking wayyy too much about this and him. This is someone you knew briefly in the recent past and met once or twice after he showed you that his character was of questionable value. Do you eventually want a serious relationship? This kind of cyberstalking and negativity and overanalyzing is not going to help that goal. I spent many years dating and meeting men through on line dating sites- ending any pity party and this kind of cyberstalking ASAP is a far better way to get back into dating. The more you do this the more negative vibes you'll give off on the next interaction. And that's icky (and the top reason I declined to see a man again.). I'd also take it easy on the social media -sounds like you read a lot into who keeps you on a friend's list, for how long and then your mind goes in circles as to "why". It's just facebook. That's all. He didn't "keep" you anywhere- perhaps he had to fold laundry that day and forgot to delete you and then other things came up in his life like whether he should use the two for one coupon on chocolate chip cookies. It's just facebook. Don't look and then you won't know. And if you don't want someone as a friend anymore, delete them. That's what that button is there for. The rest is bad for your stomach and blood pressure. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 6, 2012 Author Share Posted January 6, 2012 I know I kind of have a.. facebook addiction. I actually got rid of msn awhile ago and hardly use it anymore, because I was on it too much and paying too much attention to checking to see if people blocked me and stuff. He got me using it again. I always have spent too much time on facebook, but it seems like an easy way for a somewhat lazy person like me to talk to people/know what they're doing. This guy was kind of the same, said he was always creeping high school people on facebook and googling people even though he didn't talk to them. I have been talking to a couple of other guys on the online dating site and got a couple of numbers, but they live at least a half hour from me but haven't met yet. The original guy's buddy actually asked me to come to his place, I think I mentioned this, but I turned him down. I've had enough stupidity from that cohort. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 One thing I've learned from being in an LTR for over 6 years now -it's not cool to have the mindset of blaming others for your choices -it's so easy to indulge in that and it becomes a bad habit that will infect your relationships. He didn't get you using facebook again -that was your choice. I'm pointing that out because all over your posts are these finger-pointing comments where you blame others for your behavior and reactions. I'm so glad you're in contact with other men on the dating site. I don't think a half hour is too far away. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 6, 2012 Author Share Posted January 6, 2012 One thing I've learned from being in an LTR for over 6 years now -it's not cool to have the mindset of blaming others for your choices -it's so easy to indulge in that and it becomes a bad habit that will infect your relationships. He didn't get you using facebook again -that was your choice. I'm pointing that out because all over your posts are these finger-pointing comments where you blame others for your behavior and reactions. I'm so glad you're in contact with other men on the dating site. I don't think a half hour is too far away. Ok, that's true. He didn't exactly 'get' me using msn again, but I didn't talk to anyone else on it and he asked me to go on. I guess I might be too suggestible when it comes to a lot of things (ie. using msn, sending pics of my boobs..). Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 Ok, that's true. He didn't exactly 'get' me using msn again, but I didn't talk to anyone else on it and he asked me to go on. I guess I might be too suggestible when it comes to a lot of things (ie. using msn, sending pics of my boobs..). Right - so that is something for you to work on yourself - if you feel you are too suggestible then find ways to act in ways that aren't too suggestible. It's not at all easy to change a habit or behavior like that but it's impossible if your default is to blame others for it. I'm glad you now see the difference - that's progress! Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 7, 2012 Author Share Posted January 7, 2012 Today, I was told I'm getting a raise at work. I'm no longer a minimum wage worker. I for some reason feel like putting up with less crap from guys now, and care a little bit less about this guy. I feek like since I got a raise I'm a bit more of a worthwhile person on my own. I think my self esteem overall was suffering. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Congratulations on the raise! Glad you've decided to change your behavior. Interesting reaction to getting a raise -I know very insecure people who make high salaries and very confident people who work at minimum wage jobs but if this gave you the wake up call you needed, it's all good. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 11, 2012 Author Share Posted January 11, 2012 The guy's back. He messaged me asking me if I wanted to hook up with him. I DID NOT REPLY. Honestly, bipolar or what? Link to comment
scklbad Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 awesome. they don't give raises to just anybody especially in today's economy....you ARE a worthwhile person. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 The guy's back. He messaged me asking me if I wanted to hook up with him. I DID NOT REPLY. Honestly, bipolar or what? Perfectly normal for a guy to try again especially in such an easy way as messaging (it's not like you blocked him). I wouldn't joke about mental illnesses in that way. Reasonable also for you not to reply. If you don't want to hear from him again why not block him? Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 11, 2012 Author Share Posted January 11, 2012 Perfectly normal for a guy to try again especially in such an easy way as messaging (it's not like you blocked him). I wouldn't joke about mental illnesses in that way. Reasonable also for you not to reply. If you don't want to hear from him again why not block him? Yeah I shouldn't have made the joke about a mental illness. Actually, I do have him blocked. He posed as a stranger again to contact me, then admitted it was him. I'm not sure if I mentioned, the last time he re-contacted me three months ago, he posed as a stranger at first too. We'd had each other blocked for three ish years. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 It sounds consistent with his original behavior towards you - the sex talk and all. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 11, 2012 Author Share Posted January 11, 2012 I ended up answering and saying I was too busy doing more interesting stuff like organizing my socks. I got no reply. But I'm sort of glad. I'm just tired of him now. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Typical. He's not interested, blue. He just wants to make sure you're still desperate enough to respond to him, even after how crappily he's treated you. You shouldn't have given him the satisfaction. Link to comment
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