I know it's bad but I'm like a person who never gives up..

[blueidealist24]

This is about the guy in my previous thread. I said I didn't know if I could continue talking to him as friends since I had so many feelings for him and I didn't know if he had any for me. He asked me if I wanted to be more than just friends, and I said I don't know. I asked him if he was attracted to me at all and he said yes. He also said something weird though, that *I* should take some time to think about things, like with us not talking.. I think this might be a way he's trying to worm out of the whole deal though, since he doesn't want a relationship and thinks I do. He didn't delete me off msn or facebook but seems to be going on appear offline or unavailable when I come on most of the time. Anyway, how much time should I take? If it's going to be a rejection/no answer I don't want to delay the inevitable, although if I wait longer and give him some space will it more likely be a positive outcome?! I do come on pretty emotionally strong to guys, I have to admit, asking them stuff and talking all the time, but he was into it until a few days before the date/after the date itself.

[Polis]

If I like someone I generally come on pretty strong and it always drives girls away. I wouldn't put too much stake into this and give him time.

 

Maybe in a week drop him an email/fb message stating what you want and if he wants the same thing then you are interested. If not you should ditch him, even if he "acts" like a friend.

[blueidealist24]

I can't wait a week. There are other people interested in me. That sounds really selfish, but if he's just going to dump me, why wait around for a week and pass up other people I could get to know? As long as I don't know what he wants, I walk around feeling sick and I can't go out with other people. I can barely do anything.

[calichick007]

You've got to get it together, girl. This isn't anything resembling a relationship, and he has given you absolutely ZERO signs that he is seriously interested in you. Even you can't come up with one. There is nothing for him to "dump" you from. I hate to sound harsh, but you need to open your eyes and buck up. How would you ever handle a real breakup if the thought of a relationship you made up in your head dissolving has you unable to function??

[browneyedgirl36]

You've got to get it together, girl. This isn't anything resembling a relationship, and he has given you absolutely ZERO signs that he is seriously interested in you. Even you can't come up with one. There is nothing for him to "dump" you from. I hate to sound harsh, but you need to open your eyes and buck up. How would you ever handle a real breakup if the thought of a relationship you made up in your head dissolving has you unable to function??

 

I agree with this...if you can't function simply because you don't know what this guy is thinking/feeling, then...something's not right there. Sorry. I have learned -- and maybe it's because I'm a LOT older than you -- that not being able to function because of ANY guy or girl is a waste of time. Believe me, I went through it, and I look back on it and cringe. No one should ever have that much power over you. And...why the desperate need for a relationship? Desperation, in general, leads to bad choices -- in relationships and life in general.

[DylanNotorious]

Why don't you just ask him if he wants to be exclusive? Or at least date you and only you. If he says no, then you can move on to the other guys that do want to date you.

[Batya33]

I agree with this...if you can't function simply because you don't know what this guy is thinking/feeling, then...something's not right there. Sorry. I have learned -- and maybe it's because I'm a LOT older than you -- that not being able to function because of ANY guy or girl is a waste of time. Believe me, I went through it, and I look back on it and cringe. No one should ever have that much power over you. And...why the desperate need for a relationship? Desperation, in general, leads to bad choices -- in relationships and life in general.

 

Totally agree. Especially when I was meeting multiple people through on line sites so that I could find a serious relationship I would move on within a few hours if I had one or two dates with someone where it didn't work out- with rare exception. Why waste time?

 

And you are a person who gives up -you're giving up on other options to chase after someone who is most likely not interested in a potentially serious relationship with you.

[blueidealist24]

Why don't you just ask him if he wants to be exclusive? Or at least date you and only you. If he says no, then you can move on to the other guys that do want to date you.

 

I asked him on facebook if he is interested. I told him I was moving on if I didn't hear in the next couple of days, and I'm going to unfriend him on stuff. Another guy who actually was interested in me decided to take off this morning, and told me why - I'm obsessed with this first guy and he thinks I'm just going to go running back to him. Fml.

[Batya33]

I'm not sure why you had to inform him of your plans - you weren't in a relationship with him and if you wanted to unfriend him because he was no longer in contact with you that seems reasonable. He likely has the impression that you are overly focused on him and hoping that by contacting him he will suddenly be interested in seeing you. I think the guy who took off this morning made the right decision -getting to know someone takes a level of effort you obviously are not willing to give.

[browneyedgirl36]

I asked him on facebook if he is interested. I told him I was moving on if I didn't hear in the next couple of days, and I'm going to unfriend him on stuff. Another guy who actually was interested in me decided to take off this morning, and told me why - I'm obsessed with this first guy and he thinks I'm just going to go running back to him. Fml.

 

Well..I think he's right. You ARE obsessed with the first guy, and be honest -- you WOULD go running back to him if he suddenly decided he wanted to be with you. The guy made a good decision -- he's not waiting around for you to figure out what you want.

 

If you were really interested in getting over him and moving on, you wouldn't have announced to him that you were going to move on if you didn't hear from him -- you would have just taken his previous actions as evidence that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, and you would have moved on.

[blueidealist24]

Well, it's 'over' now. He said he just wanted to be friends, because of the distance, but I know he doesn't want a relationship with anybody. I think he just wanted to screw me here, and he didn't get a screw, so it's bye bye. He talked to me nicely as a friend for a little while but then suddenly got rude and left. I kept talking because I was trying to tell him a funny story and he didn't even respond, just went unavailable on fb. He's not the biggest tool I've met, but I'm not sure anymore if he's even nice.

[Batya33]

He might want a relationship with someone and don't take it personally if that someone is not you. He chose the "dirty talk" from the beginning to give you a pretty clear picture of what he was looking for and when you chose to stay in contact he was entitled to assume you'd be ok with having sex (yes, even though you told him the dirty talk made you uncomfortable -but not uncomfortable enough to decline to meet him). I agree his behavior isn't very nice but it wasn't nice from the beginning -you were forewarned and chose to take the chance of getting to know him.

[blueidealist24]

He might want a relationship with someone and don't take it personally if that someone is not you. He chose the "dirty talk" from the beginning to give you a pretty clear picture of what he was looking for and when you chose to stay in contact he was entitled to assume you'd be ok with having sex (yes, even though you told him the dirty talk made you uncomfortable -but not uncomfortable enough to decline to meet him). I agree his behavior isn't very nice but it wasn't nice from the beginning -you were forewarned and chose to take the chance of getting to know him.

 

Well, I don't think he actually wants a relationship with anyone since he quit the online dating site and he told me that he told other girls he was dating in the past to go away because they were 'stalking' him. He said I was one of the ones that was least like a stalker. What a compliment. He said he was on like three online dating sites and can't find anyone he likes, set up with people by coworkers and can't find anyone he likes either. Claimed one girl was pretty, but was too much of a party animal. I should have taken that as my first clue that no human is good enough for him and he was obviously going to reject me.

[Batya33]

Well, I don't think he actually wants a relationship with anyone since he quit the online dating site and he told me that he told other girls he was dating in the past to go away because they were 'stalking' him. He said I was one of the ones that was least like a stalker. What a compliment. He said he was on like three online dating sites and can't find anyone he likes, set up with people by coworkers and can't find anyone he likes either. Claimed one girl was pretty, but was too much of a party animal. I should have taken that as my first clue that no human is good enough for him and he was obviously going to reject me.

 

It suggests that he is picky, if what he is saying is true and that his behavior isn't helping him find a relationship. But it's far better for your dating life if you accept that not everyone is going to be interested in dating you or in a relationship with you and that's ok. It's far better to have that mindset than to be upset later on when you hear or see that the person is involved with someone else. And it's good training not to take all of these minor "rejections" personally.

[blueidealist24]

It suggests that he is picky, if what he is saying is true and that his behavior isn't helping him find a relationship. But it's far better for your dating life if you accept that not everyone is going to be interested in dating you or in a relationship with you and that's ok. It's far better to have that mindset than to be upset later on when you hear or see that the person is involved with someone else. And it's good training not to take all of these minor "rejections" personally.

 

Well, I know that everyone is not. But he gave me the impression he likely would be by talking to me online for hours, and telling me I was attractive. Basically, he led me on. I think he was after sex. I'm not good at differentiating when guys are after sex or a relationship, all I know is that they're interested in SOMETHING with me/to do with me. I think I need to improve my skills when differentiating the two.

[Batya33]

Well, I know that everyone is not. But he gave me the impression he likely would be by talking to me online for hours, and telling me I was attractive. Basically, he led me on. I think he was after sex. I'm not good at differentiating when guys are after sex or a relationship, all I know is that they're interested in SOMETHING with me/to do with me. I think I need to improve my skills when differentiating the two.

 

I don't think he lead you on in the least. Many people decide after meeting once not to pursue an actual first date, or a second date. You chose to talk to him on line for hours before meeting. Big deal that he told you you were attractive -since when does that obligate someone to pursue a relationship.

[calichick007]

He didn't lead you on, blue... I don't think you do yourself any favors by continuing to place the blame on him. It was clear to everyone but you that he wasn't interested in you for anything other than sex. You just didn't want to believe it. And it's not too hard to tell the difference. A man who is interested in a relationship treats you with respect, as opposed to propositioning you for casual sex and asking you to send him nude photos. A man who is interested will jump at the chance to take you out, not flake on you for years on end. Sometimes it's hard to tell what people are after, but this one wasn't even a close call.

[blueidealist24]

I don't think he lead you on in the least. Many people decide after meeting once not to pursue an actual first date, or a second date. You chose to talk to him on line for hours before meeting. Big deal that he told you you were attractive -since when does that obligate someone to pursue a relationship.

 

He hadn't only met me ONCE. We knew each other in high school, just hadn't seen each other in years! The way he led me on was saying he wanted me to come on a vacation to his house, which makes it sound like he wants something from me, if only sex. I actually denied the request at first, because I thought it would be weird, but he was pestering me about what weekends I had off of work.

[blueidealist24]

And honestly, if you'd seen the convos, you'd know what I meant. He acted like we were the best of friends. It wasn't ONLY sex talk, although a great deal of it was, but some was other stuff. Like he seriously knows more about me, not just sexually, than most of my friends do. I think that the fact that this guy and I both kind of lack close friends led to.. this.

[blueidealist24]

And btw, I don't act like this with all guys. Only this one, one in the summer, and one five years ago. I've talked to many others since then and didn't get this way. It's something that THEY do (fool me easily, I guess - I can be gullible, my friends joke that I am).

[Batya33]

I think if he had asked you to be his exclusive girlfriend when he only wanted a sexual arrangement that would have been leading you on and deceitful. Otherwise I recommend "watch the feet not the lips" what he does not what he says -with a few exceptions. Listen when he says he is not looking for a serious relationship and be aware of the inconsistencies between sex talk when you're first getting to know someone and wanting to be in a potentially serious relationship. Dating will work far better for you if you work on your friendships and social life outside of dating and if you refrain from getting attached through typing and talking.

[blueidealist24]

I think if he had asked you to be his exclusive girlfriend when he only wanted a sexual arrangement that would have been leading you on and deceitful. Otherwise I recommend "watch the feet not the lips" what he does not what he says -with a few exceptions. Listen when he says he is not looking for a serious relationship and be aware of the inconsistencies between sex talk when you're first getting to know someone and wanting to be in a potentially serious relationship. Dating will work far better for you if you work on your friendships and social life outside of dating and if you refrain from getting attached through typing and talking.

 

I had a huge fight with him today and I don't think we'll talk again for a long time. We blocked each other on all sites, again, just like in the past. He said he hadn't wanted anything with me besides friends and was 'joking' about the sex thing, but I don't believe him since he talked about it for hours on end, many nights a week. He claimed this five years ago when I yelled at him for talking about seeing me naked. That's when I was way more prudish and wasn't willing to indulge him at all. He told me that I was too needy and clingy and he didn't have to talk to me online all the time when he was trying to spend time with his family on Christmas, but I said you didn't have to block me either. He didn't reply. I didn't actually try to talk to him all the time, just a couple of times. He said he had more time to talk when he was home alone (which means I might have just been a boredom killer since he doesn't have a lot of friends), and he was going to start talking to me again once I had calmed down and stopped being a drama queen. I was just gonna get more drama queen though the longer he ignored me. I think he wanted to keep his toe in the water in case he wanted to try and use me for sex, pics or webcam stuff again, but I don't have to sit around and wait for that. I'm glad he deleted me on everything and I deleted him too since seeing his stupid name on facebook was bothering the hell out of me, especially when he'd go available and unavailable constantly, seemingly just to bother me.

[Batya33]

I don't think he was trying to use you for sex since you participated in the hours of dirty talk and then agreed to meet him - he assumed you were ok with a sexual arrangement or dating and having sex early on. I understand that you told him you were uncomfortable with it but "hours" of it sends a confusing message. I don't think it's prudish to stop engaging in sex talk and if you keep thinking of things in that way you're not going to attract men who have reasonable mindsets about dating and sex - you'll constantly be categorizing yourself or the other guy as "prudish" just because your conversations don't focus on sex and just because you wait to be intimate -and that's not a healthy way to be either. Figure out for yourself what you want out of a relationship -it's fine if you want sex, fine if you want to wait, fine if it's something else- but figure it out so you stop having this prude or sleazy black/white thinking about sex.

 

I don't think you should contact someone you just met or reconnected with for purposes of dating even a "couple of times" over a major holiday unless the person asked you to or you're doing so to confirm a plan or because it's really urgent. It's too much for most people.

[calichick007]

Why in the world did you contact him again?? Let. it. go. And Batya is correct. You encouraged his disrespectful behavior by participating in the sexual conversations and sending sexual photos. Of course he would think you were "that kind of girl." Why would he not? You really need to take responsibility for your own behavior.

[blueidealist24]

I don't think you should contact someone you just met or reconnected with for purposes of dating even a "couple of times" over a major holiday unless the person asked you to or you're doing so to confirm a plan or because it's really urgent. It's too much for most people.

 

Normally I wouldn't do that (contact them over a major holiday), but we had been talking almost every day for nearly three months, for hours, so I guess I assumed a sort of best-friend relationship I maybe shouldn't have. I guess talking for hours doesn't always mean that you're great friends. I thought it did, but I guess it depends on the nature of the talks.