Honest Opinion about One Night Stands

[soporcogitavi]

My fiance is an amazing women, she is perfect but Since the beginning of my relationship with my fiance one thing has repeatedly bothered me. She had about 5 one night stands before we met, most of those one night stands she saw again maybe 1-2 times after. But it really bothers me taht she did this because I cant imagine her being like that. She tells me this was a phase, and after her last 2 relationships where her exes cheated on her, she said she didnt think much of men, so if she wanted a man in her life thats what she would do. I know the past is the past and I agree, but I just dont understand why and cant imagine her behaving like this. So i have a few questions:

 

1) Is it SLU**Y to have one night stands, and does this say something about the person even when they're in a relationship?

 

2) She say's it was a phase in her life, is this something that can just be a phase?

 

3) Did she choose to be with me just because im a good guy and im not into that sort of thing?

 

4) Is this a common thing and do good women do this sort of thing before they get into a serious relationship?

 

I know her and its so hard to imagine she even did this. I know im going to be judged and you guys are going to say well then just dont be with her, but I would appreciate if you can help me with answers to the questions honestly please. without torching me too much.

[LDRohnos]

1) Is it SLU**Y to have one night stands, and does this say something about the person even when they're in a relationship?

 

It can be considered that, to some. That's a personal opinion that will vary. It could be indicative so long as she hasn't really moved past her prior bad relationships.

 

2) She say's it was a phase in her life, is this something that can just be a phase?

 

Yep. Do I think she handled herself properly? Hmm..probably not. Sleeping around is dangerous. On the other hand, she told you that she had two very bad relationships with her partners cheating on her. She obviously had to deal with a lot of pain while healing from these betrayals and it most likely soured her entire view on relationships. So she figured what's good for the goose is good for the gander and slept around with people and kept a LONG distance from any kind of commitment. When she needed some physical affection, she went out and looked for it. Otherwise, she didn't want her emotions to get involved because she was afraid that the same scene would play out again.

 

3) Did she choose to be with me just because im a good guy and im not into that sort of thing?

 

I think you need to take a long look at how she handles commitment. The fact she's so open with you about it could mean that she's let herself have enough time to heal. Trust is going to be her biggest problem along with detachment.

 

4) Is this a common thing and do good women do this sort of thing before they get into a serious relationship?

 

No, this is how she handled having two ex's cheat on her and subsequently ruining her view on relationships for a long time.

[Angel Irulan]

Were you a virgin when you met? Did you ever have any one night stands? Can you forget this and live with her, without bringing it up during arguments? Do you think she's * * * * ty? I think you deserve some compassion and understanding, but my understanding of your questions is that underneath it all YOU think a lot less of her for it!!!! I don't think you should be engaged to her or anyone else right now. Your values with sex are seeming really conservative, and if you don't find someone who is the same, and perhaps has always been the same, you might find yourself fighting over nothing. BTW, five one night stands is not a lot by some standards. My gut reaction is that you aren't ready for marriage. Why? You have to have a woman on a pedestal! No woman can live up to that ever, no matter what her sexual history!

 

Angel

[nickir321]

An honest opinion from a 33 year old woman, 7 months out of a 7 year relationship. I was bought up properly, had a good childhood, i work hard and do my best for my children and am generally their soul parent. Right now i don't want a man in my life, well only the perfect man, but i did go through a couple of months where i had a few one night stands, knew nothing would come of them and that it was purely just for that night, it was strange but it almost made me feel whole again after feeling so empty for so long, like a reminder that i was still able to be intimate with someone. After 4 one night stands i have now realised i am worth so much more, am so much better than to let this happen again and i now am waiting for the right man, till he comes along. This is where my life took has took me recently

[jumper11]

Sometimes people do things, to learn, be it wrong or right. It seems it was just a phase, it is possible to be either but the fact she's committed to you, and has seen you more than 1-2 times obviously, shows that she loves you and has stuck around so far. I've done plenty of things I am not proud of. But as Oscar Wilde said,

 

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."

 

The older we get, more things we do that are mistakes, and it's because we have been allowed more time to mess up. The longer you live, the higher the percentage you will chalk something up to as a mistake, for only the fact we have been given more time to live, and thus given more time to screw up.

 

For example I dated only one man in over a year I've been single, and there's a very high chance I just got hpv.. after being with someone before him for close to 6 years (who didn't have it). I'm in my early 20's. Being with one man for 6 years then another for 3 months doesn't make me slu**y. I'm sure if I told someone I have this though, that's the first thing they'll think , when really I was the girl everyone looked to as the one who was with barely anyone. But its a mistake I chalk up to experience, a mistake mind you I probably couldnt have avoided unless I never dated him to begin with.

 

1) Yes, it is possible to be slu**y but I don't think it always means that's WHO THEY ARE in a relationship. People do things for all sorts of reasons. You said her exes cheated on her, so she didn't think of men highly. That shows me she had depression and/or underlying issues obviously while she did this. She doesn't sleep around otherwise, it SOUNDS like.

 

The rest of your questions can be answered either way. I don't think she meant any ill, if she told you she did all this on her own, she has fought her own demons and had the courage to tell you. It's obviously something she's not proud of. But it sounds like shes trying to put it behind her. People do lots of things for plenty of reasons, all we can do is learn from it.

 

And in no way will I torch you, hearing something out of character about someone you love is hard. But its out of character because it is - sounds like she was probably a mess at the time and did lots of things she isn't proud of. All she can do is move on and learn, because if she just dwells on the past she cant move forward. And same goes to you, if you want to marry this woman, its something that has to be accepted - its done.

[Eocsor]

Are one night stands * * * * ty? Nope. They happen for a variety of reasons and you can't judge someone on them. I know a lot of men and women who have had them. Some of them are quite happily married now.

 

A better question is do you love and trust her? And can you accept her past? if not, move on because her past can't change and love and trust is everything in a relationship.

[Madison12]

Well to me sex is just sex and perhaps she was just looking to have a little fun for a while after being burned. I don't think this is * * * * ty behavior. Men do it all the time. Who do you think they're doing it WITH?

[superfan]

OK, just some answers to your questions:

1. Is it * * * * ty to have one night stands? Well, that is a moral judgement that only you can make. Have you yourself ever had a one night stand? I personally don't think there is anything wrong with having a one night stand if you are careful and use protection. Many guys go out and have one night stands all the time, but are not judged as being " * * * * ty". And no, I don't believe it says "something" about a person. A person can do things in their past and still be a good person in the present.

2. Yes, it is something that can be a phase. I went through a phase and I would suspect that many people go through a time in their life where they do things they regret, or sleep with people they wish they hadn't. It does not mean that she is a bad person, nor does it mean that she will not be unfaithful to you.

3. I don't know why she chose to be with you. If you are a "good guy" as you are claiming to be, then you won't judge her for things that happened before she met you.

4. And I don't think it's common to women necessarily before they enter a serious relationship, but it is definitely common for human beings to "get their wild days" out of the way before settling down.

 

Honestly if you can't handle this, (and it sounds like she has been honest and given you full disclosure) then maybe you shouldn't be with her. Doesn't mean you are a bad or a good person, but if you can't deal with it, then the relationship is only going to end in you blaming her for things she has done in her past that she has no control over.

[drummergirl]

1. Honestly, yes, I think that having a one-night stand is kind of * * * * ty, but I don't think that it makes a person a * * * * . If it says something about them, it says something about them when they are single and when they are in a relationship. They're not a different person just because they get in a relationship.

 

2. Yes. I think it could be just a phase.

 

3. We don't know enough about the situation to say why she chose to be with you.

 

4. No idea how common it is. I've never done it. But I suspect plenty of good women have had a one-night stand before having a successful committed relationship and going on to not have issues.

 

She was honest and open with you about it all and I think that says a lot.

 

ETA: And to be clear, I think it's kind of * * * * ty for men to have one night stands, too.

[superfan]

Also, just to give you a bit of context, the average amount of sexual partners for a person is AT LEAST 10 or so....(and yes some of these ten would include one night stands).

 

I personally have had the odd one night stand, as has my husband. These were things that happened in our past, and we have not based our relationship around what happened before we met one another. My husband knows my history and I know his. You don't have to be happy about the things she has done, but if you truly want to be with her you do have to accept that there was a time in her life where she made some choices that you maybe don't agree with.

[Batya33]

I think it's perfectly reasonable to evaluate a person's past actions when you're considering getting seriously romantically involved (or going into business with the person or any other serious arrangement). For me it would depend on whether I believed her reasons, whether she believed in general that sex is just sex (because that wouldn't work for me) and whether her behavior had resulted in any health problems. I don't think her behavior makes her "easy" but my opinion is irrelevant. You do have to decide whether you can accept her as she is and if you do, end of story and no more rehashing what she did.

[soporcogitavi]

What bothers me is that it doesnt really seem to bother her a whole lot, she say's: if you're 2 consenting adults, and its something you feel like doing, then there's nothing wrong, she said she doesnt regret it. This bothers me, not that she doesnt regret it, but she seems totally fine with this.

[DrKitten]

There's no point to this comment

 

There's no point to you asking the same question over and over because you're not satisfied with the answers you're getting.

[camus154]

And why shouldn't she feel fine about it? It's her past and her decisions.

 

If you can't handle the fact that she's a-ok with her past decisions, then you need to find someone else.

[soporcogitavi]

And why shouldn't she feel fine about it? It's her past and her decisions.

 

If you can't handle the fact that she's a-ok with her past decisions, then you need to find someone else.

 

Because most people here and most people that have done this, say the same thing, its just a phase wasnt necessarily the smartest thing to do

[quirky]

Not everyone can be perfect all the time ya know?

I went through a phase and I wouldn't do it now and never while in a relationship. My confidence was low and I was self destructive, didn't know what else to do. If someone wanted to punish me for it it'd be awfull cos there's nothing I can do about it now.

[camus154]

Because most people here and most people that have done this, say the same thing, its just a phase wasnt necessarily the smartest thing to do

 

So what? Are you planning on marrying most people here?

 

It's not really your place to dictate how your fiancee feels about her past. If the only way you can deal with this is if she views it as a "mistake", then I think you need to reevaluate how compatible the two of you are.

[Eocsor]

Because most people here and most people that have done this, say the same thing, its just a phase wasnt necessarily the smartest thing to do

 

I don't think your view of morality and your girlfriends are compatible. You seem to view her as someone with moral shortcomings. And while you are entitled to that viewpoint it doesn't bode well for the success of your relationship. I think that you should really, for your sake and hers, see if this is something you can live with. Because it really seems that your world view won't allow it.

[winniethepooh]

My fiance is an amazing women, she is perfect

Make up your mind. Is she perfect or not? If she is, then why are you complaining about her?

 

but Since the beginning of my relationship with my fiance one thing has repeatedly bothered me. She had about 5 one night stands before we met, most of those one night stands she saw again maybe 1-2 times after. But it really bothers me taht she did this because I cant imagine her being like that.

She did. In the past. She can't change that now. Sort your imagination out.

 

She tells me this was a phase, and after her last 2 relationships where her exes cheated on her, she said she didnt think much of men, so if she wanted a man in her life thats what she would do.

Sometimes people do that after getting burned. It's not always easy to deal with our feelings. As you seem to be discovering at present.

 

I know the past is the past and I agree,

Are you sure?

 

but I just dont understand why

Because that's what people do sometimes. People have desires and deal with them in different ways, and at different times of their lives in different ways. Sounds to me like she was burned by men and didn't want to fall in love again. So having one night stands is one way to avoid falling in love, and avoid the pain from being hurt.

 

and cant imagine her behaving like this.

There's your imagination misbehaving again. Why can't you imagine it? Do you want to imagine it? It's done. Your imagination won't change anything historical.

 

1) Is it SLU**Y to have one night stands, and does this say something about the person even when they're in a relationship?

Someone having a one night stand while in a relationship is usually cheating. Most people find that unacceptable. But I thought you said she wasn't in a relationship when she had the one night stands.

 

Is it sl***y? Good grief, why are you asking? Will your opinion change if people say yes or no? You appear to think it is, and that is what matters. As long as you think that, you are going to have a problem with her if she is your girlfriend, because she can't undo those one night stands she had. So either accept yourself and get over it, or accept her past and get over it, or get out of this relationship. But at least do her a favor if you do leave her, and tell her it's because you think she's sl***y. The anger she will feel towards you will help her to move on and heal more quickly.

 

2) She say's it was a phase in her life, is this something that can just be a phase?

Yes. Whether or not it was for her I can't say. But it can be. At least, that's my opinion, based on experience and observation.

 

3) Did she choose to be with me just because im a good guy and im not into that sort of thing?

How can we possibly know why she has chosen to be with you? We cannot read her mind. Have you asked her this question?

 

You are very judgmental equating a lack of one night stands to being a good guy. There are plenty of bad guys who have not had one night stands, and there are plenty of good guys who have.

 

4) Is this a common thing and do good women do this sort of thing before they get into a serious relationship?

You are asking pointless questions. Are you going to judge her based on the answers? If people say yes, does it make it more acceptable to you? If people say no, will you dump her?

 

She is who she is, and you are who you are. If you and/or she change opinions and/or behavior, do it for the relationship and each other because you want to make things better. Don't do it because of an internet survey you have conducted.

 

I know her and its so hard to imagine she even did this.

You really need to get your imagination under control. Or do you think she's lying?

 

I know im going to be judged and you guys are going to say well then just dont be with her, but I would appreciate if you can help me with answers to the questions honestly please. without torching me too much.

What are you looking for, really? You're getting torched because you're coming accross as thinking you are superior in some way. You're not. You're another person with your opinions and morals and desires and fears. So is she. And the two of you have to figure out how to have a good relationship together. If her behavior in the past is a problem for you, then you have to find a way to deal with it so that it isn't a problem for you. And that's not by coming out as morally superior to her so you can judge her, or whatever you want to do with your moral superiority.

 

These are the questions you should be asking ... asking yourself that is, not us.

 

Do you think she's lying?

Do you think she's being honest?

Do you think she's a sl**?

Are you willing to accept her past is her past and is part of who she is now?

Do you think she's likely to do something like that again? Quite possibly if you hurt her by dumping her because you think she's a sl**.

Do you think she's easily manipulated by men into having a one night stand with them?

Are you worried she might cheat on you?

Are you jealous because she's slept with more men than the number of women you've slept with (if that's the case)?

Are you jealous because she's had some one night stands and you haven't (if that's the case)?

Where does your belief that one night stands are sl***y come from? Do you have good reasons to think they're sl***y?

[Glowguy]

A person engaging in one night stands as a habit is not someone I would care to get involved with. I do feel that it is * * * * ty behavior to sleep with someone that you don't even know (and also dangerous). I am fairly conservative when it comes to sex though. It's not a double standard for me either. I've never had a one night stand even when drunk and attracted to someone. I will say that I've come close and have been tempted so it's not out of the realm of possibility.

 

That being said, I think in her situation it very well might have been a phase. When the chips are really down though I think a woman who will engage in sex so casually is more likely to stray. I would have a hard time trusting her too. That doesn't mean she isn't trustworthy, but the fact that she feels so comfortable with it would be off-putting.

[soporcogitavi]

this is a little how i feel, but she seems very loyal and trustworthy

[soporcogitavi]

i dont know where it comes from it just bothers me, maybe the fact that this phase was going on right up until i met her, i was essentially the end of thase and we were not a one night stand

[camus154]

It comes from insecurity. You don't like the idea that your fiancee is a flesh and blood woman who enjoyed sex in the past (although I bet you like it that she enjoys it with you).

 

One night stands have absolutely nothing to do with whether she'll ever stray on you. Insecurity and being judgmental might, though.

[Ms Darcy]

What bothers me is that it doesnt really seem to bother her a whole lot, she say's: if you're 2 consenting adults, and its something you feel like doing, then there's nothing wrong, she said she doesnt regret it. This bothers me, not that she doesnt regret it, but she seems totally fine with this.

 

This is your concern.

 

I don't think your view of morality and your girlfriends are compatible. You seem to view her as someone with moral shortcomings. And while you are entitled to that viewpoint it doesn't bode well for the success of your relationship. I think that you should really, for your sake and hers, see if this is something you can live with. Because it really seems that your world view won't allow it.

 

I agree with this response to your concern.

 

You just have different values.

[superfan]

"That being said, I think in her situation it very well might have been a phase. When the chips are really down though I think a woman who will engage in sex so casually is more likely to stray."

 

I am curious as to why a woman is "more likely to stray" simply because she has enjoyed sex casually in the past. Is this a view you ascribe to women only, or are men just as human?

 

I honestly don't understand why we are condeming women (or men) as being "sl**y" simply because they have enjoyed casual sex prior to entering a long term commitment. Doesn't really matter though - if you can't handle the truth, don't marry her. Simple as. I fail to see how asking people moral questions (that you have already answered in your mind) will change how you feel...which is obviously that she isn't good enough or doesn't meet your high moral standards.