Honest Opinion about One Night Stands

[TheVP]

30 to 50 partners? Man, I'm afraid you need a reality check. The Kinsey report states the average woman has 4 partners in a life time.

[lostandhurt]

It seems that you want her to tell you something that isn't true for her. I would much rather have honesty than lies.

 

She doesn't regret what she did. Is that so bad? She didn't hurt anyone did she? She didn't even hurt herself.

 

It is almost Christmas. May I suggest you buy a book by Elkart Tolle "A New Earth" as a present from you to you. Read it. I think it will help you with things like this.

 

She is not perfect, she is human and has needs and wants and she fulfilled those. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

Happy Holidays

 

Lost

[superfan]

30 to 50 partners? Man, I'm afraid you need a reality check. The Kinsey report states the average woman has 4 partners in a life time.

 

The Kinsey report was done in the 1950s. Times have changed (whether for good or bad is up to interpretation).

 

And the point isn't that she had the ONS....it's that she doesn't seem bothered by it and that bothers YOU. You either get over it or you don't, but you can't change how someone else views something especially when it comes to something THEY have done in their past. It sounds like you WANT her to feel badly about her past sexual encounters, when she has come to terms with her past and has no regrets.

 

Don't try to place guilt on her that doesn't exist.

[soporcogitavi]

What I find disturbing is that in the beginning of our relationship when we first spoke about this, she said it was just a phase and that wasn't her and that she is a relationship person and taht what she did wasnt healthy. And now its, there's nothing wrong with it, its 2 consenting adults, and that hypothetically if were no longer together she would be capable of doing it again. These are 2 conflicting views.

[LDRohnos]

Limiting yourself to only a few partners is a very romantic (and by romantic I mean dated in western society) view of sexual relations. I go on dates with women and I automatically assume they've had a handful of partners if not more. If they say they had 3 sexual partners before me, I assume it was more like 5 plus 10 other guys she's had sexual encounters with. It's almost never what they say it is, on both sides of the gender coin. Guys will be omitted because they really didn't love them, so it didn't count...or I was drunk so it didn't count. Whatever.

 

It doesn't bother me one bit, if anything it will only reinforce that she knows how to please a man and is able to communicate about sex and needs much better than a girl who has had only one or two (or no) partners and feels as if she cannot open up in fear of being judged, or her own insecurities. I'd much rather have the former. Life is too short.

 

I say bring on the women with sexual experience.

[TheVP]

Thats Kinsey info from the past 10 years, not 1953. I havent made any judgements, and no idea how it should make anyone feel bad. If someone stated from a survey that 50% of women wait til marriage until having sex I would point out it sounds just as bogus.

[soporcogitavi]

What I find disturbing is that in the beginning of our relationship when we first spoke about this, she said it was just a phase and that wasn't her and that she is a relationship person and that what she did wasnt healthy. And now its: there's nothing wrong with it, its 2 consenting adults, and that hypothetically if were no longer together she would be capable of doing it again. These are 2 conflicting views. If it her opinion was consistent that I would be ok with this but why is it different?

[pl3asehelp]

What I find disturbing is that in the beginning of our relationship when we first spoke about this, she said it was just a phase and that wasn't her and that she is a relationship person and that what she did wasnt healthy. And now its: there's nothing wrong with it, its 2 consenting adults, and that hypothetically if were no longer together she would be capable of doing it again. These are 2 conflicting views. If it her opinion was consistent that I would be ok with this but why is it different?

 

There's nothing wrong her not regretting her past or having had a million one night stands, BUT what is wrong is that one minute she's telling you she thinks one night stands are unhealthy and it was just a phase for her and the next minute she tells you she thinks that behavior is perfectly fine and she would do it again if you weren't together.

 

It's important to know what a partners values are and it sounds to me like she's either unsure of her values (best case) or (worst case) her values are different from yours and she chooses to lie to you about what her values are so that you'll think you two are compatible and give her a chance at a relationship. I would find it hard to be with someone who couldn't open up enough to me to honestly share their values - you can never really intimately know her if she's holding back. She needs to either accept her own past or regret it and it sounds like she either hasn't decided or is just telling you what you want to hear so she can have what she wants - a relationship with you.

 

It's totally possible to be with her if she's honest about her values and those clash with yours, but then it will be up to you to accept her for who she is and don't judge her for these value differences. It's also completely fine for you to be more comfortable and want to be in a relationship with someone who shares your values.

 

 

Forget the Kinsey report and what ANYONE tells you about what numbers are 'normal'. There are plenty of people out there who have either never had a one night stand or deeply regret any they have had - I'm in the second camp. I've done it and it made me feel disgusting, cheap, and depressed and I really regret it. The value of sex is totally determined by what value you and your partner place on it.

[Stay_home]

Had to change my answer after having read through some of your recent posts on this topic. There is no one size fits all, it doesn't work that way, it's case by case. And in this case, she's giving you very conflicting values and that draws the question of how committed and serious she is about the relationship as well as her own sexual health. And someone who is not so concerned about their sexual health that they would continue to engage in one night stands, says a lot about them.

[soporcogitavi]

I do not question her commitment to me, and what bothers me is i feel i cant approach her about this subject anymore as she is fed up and gets defensive right away, and rightfully so as i have brought it up too many times, im ina tough spot

[camus154]

I do not question her commitment to me, and what bothers me is i feel i cant approach her about this subject anymore as she is fed up and gets defensive right away, and rightfully so as i have brought it up too many times, im ina tough spot

 

That right there is why her answer is starting to change. She's fed up with giving you answers and is more than likely at the point of telling you, "I friggin' LOVED it, now get off my back already!"

 

I can understand her frustration, too. I'm beginning to think that you expect her to be some kind of punching bag that you can endlessly torment with these questions under the guise of "confusion". Seriously, man--no adult needs to put up with that. It's cruel to keep pestering her and trying to make her feel shame for her past because you can't poop and get off the pot with your insecurities, and you will lose her if you keep doing this.

 

I told you, the choice is quite simple: either you accept it or you walk.

[chr8st8na]

RyanJ,

Not to be a Grinch during Xmas but you are working towards a Masters and you use Cosmo as your source, which is not smart at all. Also those high numbers that Cosmo got from their "results"... I'm sure their survey must have been taken/answered by women who read their magazines, knowing how their sex and tell articles are.

 

To the OP,

I think your fiance was going thru a phase but I admit 5 one night stands is a lot. But that's just my personal opinion. I think you are conflicted about it because your fiance is giving you a different answer than what she said in the beginning. She sounded like she learned what she did was bad but now, says she doesn't have any qualms about it if she was single. Based on this, you need to step out and reevaluate your relationship. Sometimes we overthink things when we love someone and that can be detrimental if we don't know how to step out of our own comfort zone.

Love is a verb. Instead of going by her speech, go by her actions. If she has been good to you, don't let words get in the way of a good relationship.

[RyanJ]

It's hardly something that has ample scholarly works to be cited; no one is doing their doctoral thesis on how many girls enjoy anal. I'm aware that due to the demographic of readership the responses will have a bias, but even the most pessimistic person could take into account multiple submissions, perception bias, leading questions etc. and still come up with figures which disagree with the OPs beliefs. Maybe not as radically as the reported numbers, but I'm not trying to make a point that his fiancee is one of those women - I'm trying to make a point that his reaction is typical of men who have (and I don't mean this in a rude way) a limited number of reference experiences to support their beliefs. I'm trying to make this point because it wouldn't be an issue if he realized that women behaving this way prior to a marriage or a long term relationship is completely normal and has little correlation with cheating or a return to these behaviours later on.

 

If you disagree with my view or perspective as stereotyping, that's OK. Different people have different views, but consider that my bias is formed as a result of 4 years experience owning and operating a relationship counseling and dating coaching company, hundreds and hundreds of hours doing cold approaches, years of university, and taking every chance I can get to have candid discussions with female friends and acquaintances about their experiences. My thesis is on infidelity in marriages and cohabiting couples in relationships lasting at least 2 years, and I have spoken to hundreds of women in a clinical setting overseen by a doctoral level psychology researcher - I hold the opinions I do because of experience, not because of some arbitrary reason.

 

Your fiancee might be an exception to the rule, I'm not saying that isn't possible.

 

As for whoever cited the Kinsey report as a reference: 4 women in a lifetime? So... the average female is sexually active between 14 and 16 years of age, and let's come up with a conservative estimate and say she becomes sexually inactive at 40 and gets married at 32 (completely faithful, never cheats). Even if this were typical, it would mean that she has one partner to whom she loses her virginity, one whom she marries, and between the ages of 14 to 16 and 32 (a 16 - 18 year span) she sleeps with two people? Are you kidding?

[Weeb]

What I find disturbing is that in the beginning of our relationship when we first spoke about this, she said it was just a phase and that wasn't her and that she is a relationship person and that what she did wasnt healthy. And now its: there's nothing wrong with it, its 2 consenting adults, and that hypothetically if were no longer together she would be capable of doing it again. These are 2 conflicting views. If it her opinion was consistent that I would be ok with this but why is it different?

I agree with others. I don't think she has conflicting views about her past so much as she is just fed up and getting defensive. It's her past and you either need to get over it or admit that she doesn't fit what you want. But she doesn't want to have to defend herself anymore. You're asking people if she's "slu**y" for doing this in the past. Most people would start getting defensive when you attach words like that to their behavior. Seriously, you need to drop this cause it's not getting you anywhere.

 

 

Still, I agree with everything that you say she said. It was two consenting adults, and there isn't necessarily anything wrong with a one night stand. Unless it's an every weekend type thing, I wouldn't say it says anything about the person. The only problem is that she had them as a reaction to being cheated on and later realized that it was not productive in helping her get over that. I did the same thing. I don't think one night stands are wrong, but I don't think they worked for me (at least not at the time).

[capuccino83]

Agreed. I've had a few ONS, less then 5. They were for various reason: a bad reaction to having gotten out of a bad breakup, being fed up with not having dated anyone for a VERY long time, and believe it or not, a few from having a connection with a guy that I thought would develop further but never did (young and naive). I def would NOT have a ONS now nor would I ever cheat on my SO, but I'm not going to go back and beat myself up for my previous behaviors. It is because of those behaviors that I certain that I would not have a ONS now and I would not cheat on my SO because I'm know exactly what's out there that I'm not missing. In fact, knowing what's other helps me be more tolerant of my SO when he's annoying so in that way, it's actually good for the relationship. Everyone's different, but I have a few friends who've only been with one or two guys in their lives who are in their late 20s now, and feel like they've missed out on something - they're not sure if they are with their SO because they just get along and there's someone better out there or b/c they are truly right for each other. Having dated a number of people and having a wide variety of both emotional and sexual experiences, I know my preferences pretty well, and when I see someone that fits those, I'm holding on for dear life.. why should I regret that and beat myself up over that? My bf always tells me, I've dated girls who do X and Y, I'm so happy you don't, and I'm glad he dated them because it makes him appreciate me so much more.

[pl3asehelp]

How can anyone say the OP gf doesn't have conflicting views? He's said very clearly that she's told him a) it was an unhealthy phase and b) it was something she sees nothing wrong with and would repeat. There is nothing inherently wrong with either of those points of view or behavior except that they are in opposition to each other and cannot be held by one person at the same time if they are being honest. I can understand how she feels the questions are annoying, but if she had answered him honestly the first time, I don't think he would have needed to ask her again. Don't you think he has a right to expect honesty? I don't think her being annoyed or defensive gives her an excuse to change her answer.

 

If the question was not something that makes people feel defensive for their own personal reasons and instead something more moderate such as 'Do you think kids should go to college?', I think people could see the problem here more clearly. On Monday she tells him all kids should go to college, on Tuesday she says it's a waste of money. Well how is the OP supposed to decide if this is a person he could have children with if she can't clearly communicate to him what her values are regarding education? He doesn't want to waste his time in a relationship with someone he's not compatible with, so he makes an effort to ask her again.

 

At some point OP gf is going to need to decide who she is. Now OP may or may not have a million other problems unrelated to this, but I think in this specific case he deserves an honest answer.

[winniethepooh]

and what bothers me is i feel i cant approach her about this subject anymore as she is fed up and gets defensive right away, and rightfully so as i have brought it up too many times,

Yeah, no kidding.

 

Of the last 25 topics you have started, how many are about this particular subject of her past? Are you ever going to get it? Or are you going to keep pounding away at this to try and convince the world you're right and she's wrong? And even if you are right, how is she going to undo her past activities?

 

But I notice you don't answer questions like those, or the other questions you should be asking yourself. Surely you're not trying to be one of these ... are you?

[Staple]

Why do you care who she had sex with BEFORE you met? Are you saying if you were in a club and hot girls came and wanted to have sex with you (before you met your gf), you wouldn't do it? Come on. Don't judge her just for having sex.

[Staple]

Honestly my current girlfriend is amazing and she was literally sleeping with someone when we met. Doesn't bother me as long as she's not doing it when we're together. Sometimes we even talk about it when we're having sex just to turn each other on. lol