bookworm9870 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 My fiancee and I have been together a year or so and he has a 3 year old i adore as much as if he were mine as well. everytime we argue, he acts like im this horrible person who is insulting and rude and mean, and this last time he pulled his boy away from me and left the house, acting like i was a threat to him (knowing i would never harm a hair on his head) my entire day, week, and life revolve around them..if im not doing something for one of them im with them and caring for them. i come home after a twelve hour shift only to find out i have too cook (though he was off all day) clean up and give the baby his bath and have him ready for bed. when i get up, my finacee is already up, but i have to get up and get the baby dressed and myself dressed on my days off and go with him on his every errand. i honestly treat them like gold...fixing several meals (and serving it to them) no matter how hard i work or how much i care for them and love them and treat them well, any small conflict he lashes out at me and says the meanest thing he can think of. then, ten minutes later, WANTS FORGIVENESS !!!!! WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!! Link to comment
FathomFear Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!! I would sit down with him and outline your concern the way you did in your post and say you want to have a calm/rational discussion about it. Try to make him understand where you're coming from and also try to understand where he is coming from and what causes him to act the way he does toward conflict. Or have you tried this already without results? Link to comment
enticedflower Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I had the same problem with my ex..we just recently broke up after almost 6 years of being together. Every time I would try to help him on something, he doesn't want to change and would villainize me as if I did the cruelest thing possible. Is there such a thing as caring so much that you do the best for someone you love, only for them to think of you as evil or even an enemy? The last fight we had, my ex pretty much told me he has hatred for me because I "verbally" abuse him, by verbal abuse he considers it to be me pointing out his problems that he has to fix. Link to comment
DN Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 This man is taking advantage of you and being emotionally abusive to both you and his son. I think you need to make it clear that you will not tolerate his behaviour and his treating you like an unpaid servant/nanny Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 If you think his behavior is bad now (which it is), it will only get 10 times worse when you're married. He is setting you up to endure an emotionally abusive relationship, where he also manipulates you with the welfare of his child. He shows no appreciation of you, and does not seemed concerned for your welfare. I'd talk to him...though an abusive person will do one of two things, agree to everything you're saying, promising to change within a short amount of time (this never ever lasts), or two, blow it off like your concerns do not matter. It sounds like you're finally getting to see the real him, and if you still have any shred of confidence in yourself, I'd tell him to take a hike. Link to comment
turnera Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 He is abusive. You are being a victim. Stop doing so. Give me three reasons why you should stay with him, and none of them can be that you 'love' him. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!! Stop running around after him. Seriously, you have built too much of yourself around this guy ("my entire day, week, and life revolve around them."), you need to take some of it out of the equation. Do you live together? Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Find a new fiancee. Link to comment
bookworm9870 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 when we arent arguing, hes sweet hes kind hes funny caring....just when he gets mad he shuts down and says mean things.. Link to comment
bookworm9870 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 yes, weve been living together a while now Link to comment
bookworm9870 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 we have talked about it, and i expressed my concerns about it, its just his defense mechanism. to stop talking about tender subjects, he will like shut down and say something mean to make me stop talking about it because he knows i will walk away to cool off (my defense mechanism) Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Walking away to cool off so you don't say mean abusive things is healthy, what he is doing is not. He sounds emotionally abusing and is a user. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 when we arent arguing, hes sweet hes kind hes funny caring....just when he gets mad he shuts down and says mean things.. Do you think these things outweigh the way he treats you when he's not in a good mood? Link to comment
bookworm9870 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 to be honest, i dont know. i truly have no idea what to say anymore. i find myself defending him every time i read something that portrays him in a negative light and im ashamed because of it. long story short, i do love him, and when he apologizes i can truly say i think he is sorry. he cannot help his actions. hes 32 years old. hes not been corrected in his actions until he met me, any other exs were petrified of him and i can honestly say im not. i know what he is doing is wrong but i also know he does love me and by talking to him about all of this i think we can get to a better point. i dont think im ready to give up on him and id like some form of constructive criticism on how to improve this problem, because i will not leave. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 he cannot help his actions. hes 32 years old. Long story short, he's 32. Not a child. He can help what he does. If he wants to change and makes moves to getting help for it, then ok, it's your choice. If he refuses to change, run. There's a reason his exes were terrified of him. The thing is though, it's not your job to "fix" him. You're not his Mum or his servant or his punchingbag (emotional or otherwise). Don't put being stubborn and staying abover your personal safety (and your childs). Link to comment
FathomFear Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 If he's an otherwise good partner and just acts this way whenever there's conflict, that to me indicates that he's likely never developed the skill of how to handle conflict well and just shuts down/runs away whenever it arises. As I said in my first post, I would try to have a calm conversation about it. Try to make him understand your feelings and also try to understand his. He may have had some bad experiences while growing up that has made him have an almost infantile approach to dealing with conflict, etc. I would calmly discuss 1) how conflict naturally occurs in all relationships, romantic or otherwise, and 2) how ideally it would be handled between adults. You might even want to think about couples counseling where you both could flesh it out with a professional too. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Sometimes love isn't enough and I think you're in for worse if you stay. You're also making excuses for him stating he's not been corrected or help his actions. Maybe his exes were on to something and decided not to put up with being abused and instead got out of the relationship. You could always try couples therapy to try to get these issues out on the table with a 3rd party but I really don't see this relationship working out unless you like being a doormat. Sorry to be harsh but obviously this is something that deeply hurts you and for good reason and you come and make excuses for his behavior. Link to comment
bookworm9870 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 thats how i feel, like he just didnt develop that...his life was harder than most people and i fully understand that, and i feel he is who he is because of his past and despite it at the same time. im going to discuss it with him and hopefully it will work. Link to comment
turnera Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 when we arent arguing, hes sweet hes kind hes funny caring....just when he gets mad he shuts down and says mean things.. many times a month does he get mad? Link to comment
bookworm9870 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 Im sorry about the confusion..my fiance has 3 kids, 2 of which are living in florida with their mom. The three yr old live w us year round, those r the kids im talking about. I am getting married in a couple days so sometimes i already say im married to him or cal him my husband. I wrk in a nursing home with old ppl and they often would refuse care if they knew i was living with him and not married. Old traditions die hard with them so i catch myself saying im alreay married even when posting. And he doesnt get mad consistently....maybe once or twice a month... Link to comment
turnera Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 he cannot help his actions. hes 32 years old. hes not been corrected in his actions until he met me, any other exs were petrified of him He's 32 years old but he can't help his actions? You are talking like an abuse victim. His exes are terrified of him? You are speaking of an abusive man. Abusive men never change. Do you not deserve a partner who respects you enough to NOT harm you? Love is a stupid excuse to endure abuse. All that says is that you don't respect YOURSELF enough to demand better treatment. Get this book and read it this week, then let us know what you think: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft. Link to comment
turnera Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Please do not marry this man. However he treats you now will MAGNIFY after marriage. Read the book. Link to comment
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