My boyfriend and education...

[lifeisaparadox]

Hey guys,

 

so I wanted to ask: is it wrong of me to be turned off by my boyfriend because of his lack of education?

 

I knew this going into the relationship. He had graduated high school at the bottom of his class and was working retail for about a year before I met him. I was a year younger, going into college straight out of high school. We casually dated and so I didn't think too much about the education thing (that and I was pretty head over feels for his charm lol).

 

When we became exclusive we had a wonderful start. I didn't have to ask or talk to him about it, but he immediately told me I inspired him to a better future and he applied to the local university for next semester and was accepted.

 

I was proud of him for doing so and offered much support in helping him with his studies and school, even though we went to diff schools (I go to an out of state college, so we are LDR at this point). I really did try to help him with his admission essays, but I didn't want to force anything upon him so I only helped when asked.

 

The semester hasn't started yet, but it will soon... and I fear that he's lost his motivation again. And honestly, since I've dated him for almost a half a year, I'm a little more invested in this relationship than I thought I would be and would like to think a bit more long-term than I have been before.

 

Whenever I talk about school, he seems to avoid the subject. He should have chosen his classes already or will soon but he's told me nothing about it. I'm not pushing on it at all and actually haven't mentioned it in a while. On top of that, he works a lot and in the beginning, started money for school so we did lots of stuff together that required little/no money. But recently he has been spending money left and right on things like video games, parties, clubbing, drinks, etc. and he never did before. I know there was one event that would cost him a month's worth of savings that he told me he went to.

 

I mean I know education/going to school doesn't define anyone as a person. I hate school and I don't even wanna go, but amongst other things, here I am, working for a better future. On the other hand, he seems to have no passion for anything. He told me while we were casually dating that he didn't know what he wanted out of life, etc. and I understood because not everyone finds what they want so easily... but I'm afraid at this point he'll be stuck in a rut forever. He even admitted to me early on in our relationship that he had no future plans (didn't plan on going to college) but I told him I'd support him and help him find his way.

 

Let's face it, if we have any chance at a real future together, would I really want him working in retail for the rest of his life?

 

In a way, I also feel it's hindering our relationship. I can't talk to him about politics, make weird chemistry jokes, or rant to him about school, because I can tell that these subjects don't interest him and these topics quickly die down, to where he'd change it to his video games or what he watched on TV. Let's be honest, sometimes I want a more intellectual conversation than just "yeah, that episode of Glee sucked."

 

I'm trying my best to support him and help him but I don't know where to start if he himself is unmotivated to do anything and avoids the subject of school. I want our relationship to work but I don't like the idea of him not having a higher education. NOT JUST THAT... but also the fact that he has NO path or goals in life. I mean... it's really nerve-wracking to know that the man you're with doesnt know what he wants out of life. Where will we be 5 years from now? It's scary.

 

Has anyone been in this situation? Can anyone offer some advice?

 

Thanks.

 

PS, I hope I don't sound like a self-righteous, "education is the best!!!" freak because I'm really not, but it's just with his lack of passion for anything... I'm worried about his future. In our modern society, without a college education, it's hard to get anywhere honestly...

[LaKings55]

No, it's not strange or wrong to feel that way. In today's society, a man without a college degree is far more likely to remain single. Women have overtaken men in college, becoming the majority of students. Once they graduate, seek careers and potential spouses, they obviously seek partners with similarities to themselves, education being one of them. What you find unattractive is not necessarily his lack of education, it's his lack of motivation. Personally, in today's world, given the cost of college I can actually see why people choose to get a 4 year jump on their careers rather than have student debt. Anyway, if you're having reservations now, I can honestly tell you that they will not get better in time. You either accept him, or leave him. Frankly, at this age (late teens/early 20's) the chances are truly slim for a LTR, as you meet new people, move away, try to establish a career, etc. The majority of people aren't considering marriage until 30 or so now.

[Liraele]

I think that it's up to you who you choose to have relationships with. If education is important, then you should have relationships with people who are similarly educated as you or more so.

 

If his lack of education is a factor for you, then you need to acknowledge that and make a decision for yourself. If he goes to school, great. It sounds like he wants to try, but when you're concerned about his lack of motivation before it even starts... it's likely that lack of motivation on his part will continue. It's something I'd sit down and talk to him about - make sure he's going because HE wants to, not because he thinks you want him to. You may be misreading it, too. He may not be unmotivated at all, but nervous or... something else. You never know until you actually talk to him about it.

 

One thing I've learned the hard way, is you have to accept people for who they are. When you really love someone, you accept everything - even the less than perfect pieces. Don't fall in love with the potential you see - they may never achieve it and you've set yourself up for disappointment. You have to be willing to accept them as they are NOW, as well as when they grow - if they grow.

 

That's something only you can determine.

[agent1607307371]

In a way, I also feel it's hindering our relationship. I can't talk to him about politics, make weird chemistry jokes, or rant to him about school, because I can tell that these subjects don't interest him and these topics quickly die down, to where he'd change it to his video games or what he watched on TV. Let's be honest, sometimes I want a more intellectual conversation than just "yeah, that episode of Glee sucked."

 

I think that this is the most important part of it. I know loads of people who don't have the college degree but are interested and curious and I can have great conversations with. I've also known people who can't have a conversation that really goes past what was on tv, and I lose interest in those people pretty quickly. Not that I'm particularly clever, but I take interest in the world and like people who take interest too.

 

Fact is, he might put himself through college and still not be interested in having the kind of conversations you want to have.

[Snny]

There are two ways to look at this issue:

 

1. College does not always equal a professional career anymore in this economy. He might be fearful of that and he is working on "advancing" in another way (i.e. being promoted into a management position)

 

2. He is completely UNMOTIVATED... which is what you are indicating when he doesn't see a future of advancement for himself. This right here would be a deal breaker for a lot of people.

 

 

 

Keep in mind that college is NOT for everyone. I think you pressuring him into school is backfiring since he is not passionate about it. He could receive training elsewhere like the military. Honestly... don't try to change him... this is who he is. Move on with your life and focus on YOUR OWN successes. If he is serious about you then he will change himself.

[lifeisaparadox]

There are two ways to look at this issue:

 

1. College does not always equal a professional career anymore in this economy. He might be fearful of that and he is working on "advancing" in another way (i.e. being promoted into a management position)

 

2. He is completely UNMOTIVATED... which is what you are indicating when he doesn't see a future of advancement for himself. This right here would be a deal breaker for a lot of people.

 

 

 

Keep in mind that college is NOT for everyone. I think you pressuring him into school is backfiring since he is not passionate about it. He could receive training elsewhere like the military. Honestly... don't try to change him... this is who he is. Move on with your life and focus on YOUR OWN successes. If he is serious about you then he will change himself.

 

Hi,

 

I just want to clear some things up. First off, he is a hard worker but I can tell you now: his work ethic isn't enough to ever be promoted like that. He has this "oh, I can get away with it" mindset all the time because his managers are friendly with him and so therefore they're more lenient when he comes to work 10 minutes late or bends the dress code a bit. I can tell by the way he talks about work, and once because he told me straight up, that he does not want to work there for the rest of his life. Now that I'm slowly rolling out of the honeymoon stage, things like this become more noticeable to me than before haha.

 

Secondly, I'm not trying to change anyone nor am I pressuring him. If anything, I'm doing the complete opposite. I have kept quiet about me wanting an education in a partner (or even wanting someone who is passionate/motivated about something..), I have never ever mentioned anything about that he should go to school. He was the first one to say ANYTHING about it, and by that, he told me that he applied to school for the next term. It actually didn't even bother me until I felt like he started giving up even before trying (or @Liraele said I could be misreading him... so I'll have a go at seeing if this is it). He has no interest in the military, either.

 

I only mention school because it's pretty much where my day goes (ie; what happened in class...) kinda like when he comes home and tells me what happens from work (ie; his coworker said this...).

 

Really... I'm not trying to change anyone. I'm really just trying to help him find something to be passionate and/or motivated about as it seems worrying that he is so idle while he is so discontent with his retail job (always talking about wanting to quit, how he hates his managers).

 

Education, to me, is more of a discipline, if anything... and the way he treats work doesn't seem as disciplined as, I've said earlier. I guess it's just the way I was brought up, that having discipline is just... like... I cant quite explain it, but like a positive feature for a guy. That, and he does mention about wanting to get a degree to get a better job than his "current crap job" sooo... I'm not sure where this may lead but it doesn't go beyond that because what kinda job he wants in the future is still in question which may be why he's hesitating on school (a guess?)

[Snny]

Ya know... I missed a few details in your post. My apologies.

 

Honestly, you sound like you rather be with someone on a more intellectual level than this guy and are now realizing things are never going to change with him. He just isn't your type. Honeymoon phrase is over... this guy isn't going to grow up, has zero ambition, and has already shown you that he is perfectly HAPPY to work at a job where he can show up 10 minutes late and not follow a professional dress code. I wonder how a dude like this scores dates since he lacks professionalism.

 

Personally, a guy like this would be a major deal breaker for me since his lifestyle isn't what I would like to be apart of... know what I mean? He has made it very clear that it's not going to get better. Besides there are some people out there who have no problems working a McDonalds-like job anyway... and he is truly one of those people.

[Ms Darcy]

Would you be willing to talk openly about your concerns?

[lifeisaparadox]

Openly... to him, or to ENA?

[Fudgie]

College doesn't always ensure you that you'll get a job or a decent career. I'm finishing up a BS degree (4 years) but my boyfriend did not (and refuses to) go to a 4 year school. He's working on a 2 year degree so he can make "okay" money at an "okay" job that he'd be able to get in my area. He's fine with that. He wants to use his free time as he sees fit, live modestly, and not be saddled with debt. It's his choice. I don't judge it.

He's easily one of the smartest people I know and I can talk to him about ALL of my classes, politics, science, huamanities, etc.

 

Just because you went to school doesn't mean you're smart. I have some real dumb asses in my class and they are graduating with me!

 

Some people just want to live simply, clock in, clock out, and that's their choice. Personally, I think there is nothing wrong with making 25k-30k a year alone. Just don't have kids and don't go out all of the time. Easy.

 

If you don't want to live that way and you want an "educated" guy, then leave this one. Simple as that.

[LaKings55]

Personally, I think there is nothing wrong with making 25k-30k a year alone. .

 

This is fast becoming a new norm. It's sad to see bright kids coming out of our finest institutions saddled with debt and shiny new diplomas only to see them struggling to find work at a local Subway, but such is life.