HannahLynn Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 So i told my bf about my cheating. Basically i decided i was going to tell him and just did it in the car. I was sobbing and could barely get the words out. I expected him to dumb me then and there. This is where i need some advice or insight onn the situation. He basically asked me a bunch of questions...where, when, who, how drunk i was...etc. He asked if it was intercourse and i said no. He proceeds to say that he loves me to death and still wants to marry me. He said that he knows how the guy i cheated with can be, and though he did say he was mad as hell, he is giving me another chance. I do not deserve another chance. I love this guy to death and would marry him in a heartbeat. But he shouldnt still feel that way about me, it almost makes me feel worse. I know that i want to stay with him, i want to have babies with him and marry him. I did ALOT of 'soul searching' if you will before i told him. Im in alcohol classes to help with my drinking, i started going to counseling for my problems ive had in the past. And i realized just how much my boyfriend means to me. I just dont know what to make of him staying with me. Hes mad, but doesnt show it. Will he try to get even? I want to say no, hes so loyal and trustworthy but if im capable of it, maybe he is too. Will this just blow up in our faces later? Or do we have a chance?? Link to comment
Awoken Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 It takes guts to tell your partner you have cheated on him so well done for that (dosen't justify the cheating though). Anyway, if you truly feel this guy is the one you want to have kids with and marry then you seriously need to sort out all the issues you have mentioned. You seem to be doing that now, which is great. What you need to do is sit down with your man and make sure that things are OK. Because he may decide to get even with you or worse just dump you. But is this what you were expecting him to do? Just be honest and open with each other. It is always easier to fix a relationship when you are actually still together. You don't want to be trying to fix things when you are broken up, dosen't really work that well So get to work now, quickly! Good luck. Link to comment
Furbys Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Unfortunately for you wondering if he will ever cheat on you is your 'punishment' for your cheating. This is something you will have to live with (if you two stay together) but also dont judge him by your own actions, that is not fair on him. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Good for you for stepping up and being honest with him. I do think you're waiting for another shoe to drop, however. I'm sure as he ruminates on this, discusses it with his buddies, all kinds of emotions are going to surface. Wait for it... Link to comment
sidehop Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 You cheated on him because there was something missing between you two as much as you say you love him and would 'marry him in a heartbeat'. If he was the best person you met and you were truly happy then obviously past dates and guys before him shouldn't even cross your mind. There's something you're not being honest about this other guy you cheated with and is probably where the problem needed to be fixed; not with the other guy but why you went as far as cheating on your b/f when you say he's the best person you've met in your life. What's also conflicting is that you mentioned feeling 'stuck' in another thread. Realize also because the problems weren't dealt with between you and your b/f now you have another problem aside from him possibly breaking up with you. That, you have no control over. It's done with. But if he's giving you a chance right now then you have twice as much work to do aside from working out the issues between you two. Otherwise it's probably best to let him go. He may say he love you and will forgive you but he's the only person that know how deep the wound is. That could take months if not years and for some people they are scarred for life. Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 I think he's in shock and trying to process everything, I doubt he'll go have sex with a woman to get even (going from how you described him). However if you don't address this issue with him right now; somewhere down the road I think he'll fully grasp the severity of what you did and break up with you or use your infidelity as an excuse to be with someone else. Awoken gave some good advice, follow it, and if your bf doesn't talk about it get him to open up. Do not let him bottle it up inside. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 He asked if it was intercourse and i said no. So in view of the above, I don't understand exactly what you did to constitute cheating.... Link to comment
HannahLynn Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 kissing as well as oral Link to comment
chitown9 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 kissing as well as oral So then I am assumming that your boyfriend knows these specifics; is that correct? I am sure that your boyfriend asked you why you did it; why did you?.... Link to comment
hers Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 So in view of the above, I don't understand exactly what you did to constitute cheating.... Cheating is not just having sex with someone other than your partner. Link to comment
HannahLynn Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 So then I am assumming that your boyfriend knows these specifics; is that correct? I am sure that your boyfriend asked you why you did it; why did you?.... He does. And the why part is extremely long which i am working on in counseling. From what ive been working on it seems to have stemmed back to a very bad relationship and an encounter with a guy shortly after my ex and i broke up i guess. Theres no excuse to why really, though. Link to comment
SongCoyote Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Hey HannahLynn, I'll be blunt and open here: I've cheated too, confessed, and was given another chance by my sweetie. I still deal with the fear that my stupidity will lead to stupidity in others (they'll cheat on me)... but you know what? We're all doing okay, I'm not cheating any more, I don't believe my sweetie is, and though it took a while to re-establish trust, we feel stronger for having survived my bout with weakness. If he's giving you another chance, take it and be good. Get help for your fears and your drinking (sounds like you already are; don't give up). Be open and honest and keep talking with him! He may get fears later than he's not aware of now; keep the lines of communication open, talk openly and listen well, walk the talk, tell him you love him, and listen and believe when he says he loves you. Don't believe that cheaters can't reform. We can. Don't do it again, and avoid situations where it would be easier to do so. You can rebuild your own self-worth as well as your relationship, and believe me, it's worth the work, no question about it. Good luck, and peace be with you. Light and laughter, SongCoyote Link to comment
zelder Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 There is a happy ending to this story. That's all that matters. Link to comment
whysoalone Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 He's doing what I did, acting incredibly calm and positive. Deep down it's killing him, who knows what might happen. It'll all come out soon, though. Judging by your previous posts, you're not really that in to your boyfriend, so just do him a favour and leave. It's not fair to him, he's basically your back-up plan. He'll end up leaving soon anyway, he's cool about it now, but it'll boil over. Don't mean to sound rude or harsh, but that's the bottom line really. And i'm sure you're a lovely girl attempting to work on your flaws, but being on the receiving end of cheating twice, I find it hard to show any sympathy towards this kind of situation. Sort yourself out, get away from the both of them, move on and start again. Link to comment
greywolf Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 he has low self esteem thats why he stayed with you. men who think highly of themselves dont stay with cheating girls. I don't agree. He needs time to process the information and then decide what to do. Sometimes it's so shocking that the pain doesn't come till later. But if he does decide to work it out, it doesn't necessarily mean that he has low self-esteem. I've always thought that everyone deserves 2nd chances. Link to comment
Staple Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 he has low self esteem thats why he stayed with you. men who think highly of themselves dont stay with cheating girls. 100% accurate unfortunately. Link to comment
Snowy Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 The thing that's certain is that he will never trust you the same 100%, ever again. Which has the capacity to stir up many many issues in the future if you choose to stay with him. You cheat = their trust gone. And there's no second chances for that. Link to comment
abouttime Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I agree with f&f, staple and the others. He obviously has self esteem problems. He may want to marry you. But he's weak and you're tainted. He will never forget and will have the mental images of you going down on the other guy. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted December 18, 2011 Share Posted December 18, 2011 You cheat = their trust gone. And there's no second chances for that. That's not necessarily true. Do you think that all sorts of relationships don't have a broken trust at some point? Parents trust children who break that trust all the time. They don't just end the relationship. Friends betray trusts, too. But people forgive each other, move on, and trust is rebuilt. Yes, there is no trust now in the o.p.'s relationship, but to say that can never be rebuilt is not a fact. Life and relationships are not that black and white. Otherwise, none would survive. Link to comment
Snowy Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 That's not necessarily true. Do you think that all sorts of relationships don't have a broken trust at some point? Parents trust children who break that trust all the time. They don't just end the relationship. Friends betray trusts, too. But people forgive each other, move on, and trust is rebuilt. Yes, there is no trust now in the o.p.'s relationship, but to say that can never be rebuilt is not a fact. Life and relationships are not that black and white. Otherwise, none would survive. Cheating is betraying at the maximum. That's why it's so hard to trust a cheater again. You just can't compare children breaking their parents' trust with cheating. They are different in significance. Surely, you can forgive a cheater, but you will never have the same 100% trust. Link to comment
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