BF has alcohol and drug problem

[Happyhappyjoy]

My boyfriend drinks alot but he doesn't get drunk. He drinks at night he drinks in the morning and takes his flask with him and drinks in the car. He is also addicted to ativan and likes to chase it with his alcohol which is really,really bad because you shouldn't be taking ativan and alcohol together. I told him how dangerous it is and he just laughs and says it makes him more relaxed.

[chitown9]

My boyfriend drinks alot but he doesn't get drunk. He drinks at night he drinks in the morning and takes his flask with him and drinks in the car. He is also addicted to ativan and likes to chase it with his alcohol which is really,really bad because you shouldn't be taking ativan and alcohol together. I told him how dangerous it is and he just laughs and says it makes him more relaxed.

 

So what you are saying is that your boyfriend is an alcholic with a drug problem and he does not view this as an issue. Evidently, you do. Are you going to stay with this guy?.......

[LaKings55]

Not only does he have a problem, but he's actually breaking the law (drinking and driving.) Have you tried giving him an ultimatum or thought about an intervention?

[Happyhappyjoy]

He doesn't admit he has a problem. He just says oh I need a pick-me-up when I get home or when I am out with him he says alcohol relaxes him. He never ever drinks thankfully when he goes to work. He just drinks on the weekends when he is off and drinks when we go out but he never gets drunk he just drinks. My only concern is one day he will get into an accident or get busted for a DUI.

[DylanNotorious]

He doesn't admit he has a problem. He just says oh I need a pick-me-up when I get home or when I am out with him he says alcohol relaxes him. He never ever drinks thankfully when he goes to work. He just drinks on the weekends when he is off and drinks when we go out but he never gets drunk he just drinks. My only concern is one day he will get into an accident or get busted for a DUI.

 

Or he could kill someone. Plus it just proves he will stop if he has too ie at work. But he won't stop anywhere else. Sorry but staying with people like this kinda makes you an enabler.

[RedDress]

I just looked it up. Both alcohol and ativan are depressants which mean that they can both slow down brain activity. There are some pretty serious side effects to this - including death. And if he's driving?? Yikes!

 

First - don't get into a car with him if he's driving. Ever. As in... never, ever. Even if you are drunk or incapacitated yourself - take a cab.

 

Then... you may not like my advice... but I think that the best thing that you can do for him is to break up with him. People with substance abuse problems WILL NOT get help until they hit rock bottom. While you are there - he will not hit rock bottom. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can 'fix' him (that has to come from within him) or 'help' him (any help you try to offer is preventing him from hitting rock bottom and actually hurting him). The biggest effect you can have on him is by leaving. That may jar him into realizing that he needs help. Either that... or a pattern of people leaving him will make him realize that he needs help. You CANNOT do this for him.

 

And... besides... don't you deserve better too? To be with someone who, you know, you don't have to worry about self-destructing and you can concentrate on positive things?

[Lester]

He most likely drinks/drugs at work. What's he like when sober?

 

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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

In the first stage of alcoholism, drinking is no longer social but becomes a means of emotional escape from inhibitions, problems, inhibitions. Another observable characteristic of the first stage of alcoholism is that a slow and gradual increase in tolerance develops, meaning that more and more amounts of alcohol are needed for the individual to "get high" or to "feel the buzz."

 

Alcoholism: The Second Stage

In the second stage of alcoholism, the need to drink becomes more powerful. For example, it is common during this stage for the problem drinker to start to drink earlier in the day.

As tolerance increases, furthermore, the individual with the drinking problem drinks not because of psychological tension or stress relief, but because of his or her dependence on alcohol. During this stage of the disease, even though the "loss of control" does not occur on a regular basis, Also during this stage of the disease, the problem drinker may begin to feel more concerned and embarrassed about his or her drinking. Often during this stage, problem drinkers are unsuccessful in their attempts to stop drinking.

 

In this stage, physical symptoms such as hangovers, blackouts, hand tremors, and stomach problems increase. Interestingly, instead of seeing their drinking as the root of the many problems and issues they experience, however, drinkers with a drinking problem in this stage frequently start to blame others and things external to themselves for their difficulties.

 

Alcoholism: The Third Stage

In the third stage of alcoholism, the loss of control becomes more severe and more observable. This means that problem drinkers are unable to drink in accordance with their intentions. For example, once the individual takes the first drink, he or she commonly can no longer control further drinking behavior, in spite of the fact that the intent might have been to have just "one or two drinks." It should be stressed that an important aspect of this stage of the illness is the following: the drinker often starts to experience more serious drinking problems as well as alcohol-related employment, relationship, financial, and legal problems.

 

In the third stage of alcoholism, it is common for the problem drinker to start avoiding friends and family and to show a lack of interest in activities and events that once were fun or important. Also typical during this stage are "eye-openers," that is, drinks that are taken whenever the problem drinker awakens. Eye-openers are taken mainly to "calm the nerves," lessen a hangover, or to quiet the feelings of remorse the individual occasionally experiences after a period of time without consuming a drink.

 

Alcoholism: The Fourth Stage

The fourth and last stage of alcoholism is characterized by a chronic loss of control. In the earlier stages of the illness, the problem drinker may have been successful in maintaining a job. Due to the fact that drinking during this stage frequently starts earlier in the day and commonly continues throughout the day, however, few, if any, full-time jobs can be maintained under these conditions.

 

In the earlier stages of the illness, the problem drinker had a choice whether he or she would take the first drink. After taking the first drink, the drinker typically lost all control and would then continue drinking. In the last stage of alcoholism, however, alcoholics no longer have a choice: they need to drink in order to function on a daily basis.

 

During the fourth stage of alcoholism, benders are typical. More to the point, in the fourth stage of alcoholism the alcoholic frequently gets helplessly drunk and may remain in this predicament for a number of days or weeks. The unattainable goal for the drinker while engaging in his or her bender is to experience the "high" they he or she once experienced.

 

In the second or third stages of alcoholism the drinker's hands may have trembled slightly on mornings after getting drunk the previous night. In the fourth and last stage of alcoholism, conversely, alcoholics get "the shakes" whenever they attempt or are forced to refrain from drinking.

 

These tremors are an indication of a serious nervous disorder that now affects the drinker's entire body. When "the shakes" are combined with hallucinations, furthermore, the result is known as "the DTs" or delirium tremens. The DTs are a potentially deadly kind of alcoholism withdrawal that almost always takes place unless the alcoholic receives immediate alcoholism treatment. It may come as no surprise that after an attack of the DTs, more than a few alcoholics promise to never drink again. Sadly, most of them do not and cannot fulfill their promise. Consequently, they more often than not return to drinking and the alcoholic drinking patterns and drinking problem start all over again.

Source(s):

[bulletproof]

My only concern is one day he will get into an accident or get busted for a DUI.

 

That's your only concern? What about what he's doing to his brain and body? Or that he could kill somebody while driving, as another poster pointed out? Or that he is living a life in an entirely altered state? It doesn't matter if he's visibly drunk. Clearly it alters something, or he wouldn't do it.

 

If I were you I would give him the ultimatum to quit or you will no longer be in a relationship with him.

[avman]

The reason he's probably not appearing drunk is his alcohol tolerance is so high. That doesn't mean he isn't impaired and he certainly shouldn't be driving when drinking and/or using ativan.

 

Your boyfriend is an addict.

 

If your boyfriend doesn't get help and head down a new path then you stand no chance at all in having a healthy relationship with him. Period. The drugs and alcohol will ALWAYS come before you. All the excuses, empty promises, draining you of money, wrecked cars, and so on won't change it. He must get himself into treatment and sober up. That's the only way. Any other path only means destruction for YOU.

 

Don't stick around if he's not willing to make a change. Otherwise you will only be a casualty in the trainwreck of his life.

[Happyhappyjoy]

Woah I think he is in the 3rd stage right now. He sometimes does avoid me but I thought maybe that was just him. Maybe it is due to his alcohol and he sleeps alot which makes me wonder if that has to do anything with his alcohol. He does make alot alot of empty promises like he will say let's go out to a fancy dinner sometime but that never happens or he promises to take me to a movie and that never happens either.

[chitown9]

The fact that he is involved in substance abuse means that he is emotionally unavailable to you.......chi

[Stay_home]

The writing is pretty much on the wall in this situation. Get out while you can!

[Happyhappyjoy]

Shouldn't I be there to help him or will he just continue to crash and burn?? He is very,very EU at times but I never thought it could be alcohol or drugs. I know for a fact he doesn't think he has a problem but I want to help him out as much as I can but he never ever lets me in. One day he was curled up in a ball and I said what's wrong and he said nothing don't worry about it. I want to help him with his alcohol and his mental problems but he never ever lets me in. Shouldn't he open up to his girlfriend?? I never ever thought his EU could be a factor in his alcohol and drug problems.

[metrogirl]

You can't help him, he has to help himself. If he can't admit that he has a problem then he will never take that step to get help, unless of course he kills an innocent person and then he will have no choice but does someone have to get seriously mamed or killed before that happens?

[chitown9]

Unfortunately, with substance abuse, the abuser needs to want to put a stop to the substance abuse. OP, suggest that you go to Alanon meetings. You will learn about enabling and how to deal with your partner so that you are not adversely affected by his disease. He needs to deal with his disease....chi

[Capricorn3]

I want to help him with his alcohol and his mental problems but he never ever lets me in. .

You can't help him with his alcohol, drugs or mental problems and the sooner tyou realise that, the better. The only one who can fix this is himself when he finally realises he has a major problem and gets the appropriate help for it. Until then, you are wasting your time and nothing will change and your relationship will remain unhappy and full of empty promises, as you will always be second. Don't delude yourself.

[Happyhappyjoy]

I guess I have to let him deal with this one on his own and hope he gets the help he needs.

[abitbroken]

I guess I have to let him deal with this one on his own and hope he gets the help he needs.

 

Yes. If you stick around the one that gets hurt is you. He needs to hit rock bottom/feel out of control to reach out for help and that help is not you - but professional help.

[Lester]

I guess I have to let him deal with this one on his own and hope he gets the help he needs.

 

Sorry, it not that easy.

[Lester]

These guys are master manipulators. All comments and observable actions are meant to control. Your love makes it possible.

If you want to save this relationship you need a plan.

 

PS, People closest to an alcoholic are almost always wrong about what stage their loved one is at.

 

The drink is in control.

[lady00]

As others have mentioned, unfortunately you cannot help him with this. You cannot get him to where he needs to be. He needs do that work himself. Maybe you can be there for him as a friend if that is something you feel you can handle but I would suggest cutting ties and hoping that he gets the help he needs. There is nothing you can do and you should not put it upon yourself to help him.