How do I tell this girl I'm a recovering alcoholic and not have her run?

[wheelerdealer]

Ok so this girl who lives close to me "winked" at me on Match like 3 weeks or so ago. We emailed for a bit and then started texting a little and talking on the phone. We went on our first date about 2 weeks ago, nothing too crazy just dinner and a little walk around this park with a coy pond. We had another date about 2 days later, dinner and a movie. We usually talk during the day, either by phone or a text conversation back and forth. We just went on our third date today, it was a little hike. I think we get along well, she's very cute, I make her laugh etc, she'll say something and sort of touch my arm, and I love her eyes, and I get a good vibe from her overall. Ok anyway... Here's the thing.

 

I'm a recovering alcoholic, I do A.A and stuff because it helps keep me sober. Well on my match profile it says I don't drink, and like a week after we started talking she asked me in a text, "have you never drank? or did you quit to get your >removed> together?" I just replied that I quit to get my together (which is the truth.) Well towards the end of our hike today it sort of got brought up again in that she was asking a little more about when I quit and stuff and I think looking for more information. She mentioned that her mother does A.A, even though she's only been drunk once in her life, which I thought was very strange but that's unrelated. I felt like that was the time to tell her about my situation and that I do A.A and sort of tell her about why I quit and stuff, but I couldn't do it. Now by not telling her I feel like I've been dishonest.

 

It's difficult for me because I don't want to scare her away, but at the same time I'm thinking this is a part of who I am and it's not fair to withhold it from her so she can make a decision as to whether or not this is a deal breaker in moving forward.

 

I really struggle with the label of "alcoholic" and the stereotype that comes along with it. I've had to do a lot of work on my self esteem because of it. Sometimes it's like I've got a huge strike against me out of the gate in terms of dating... But it is what it is and I can't go back or pretend I'm something that I'm not.

 

We have another date set up for this Sunday, a day thing at a local park and I really want to get this out in the open. Do you think she will go back to our conversation today and see it as me being dishonest with her? Or do you think it's a deal breaker as in why is this guy laying out baggage this early? She hasn't really mentioned drinking much accept today a little, but what I would consider just normal social stuff. God I wish sometimes this wasn't even an issue Thanks for any advice and sorry for the length.

[Capricorn3]

Well towards the end of our hike today it sort of got brought up again in that she was asking a little more about when I quit and stuff and I think looking for more information. She mentioned that her mother does A.A, even though she's only been drunk once in her life, I felt like that was the time to tell her about my situation and that I do A.A and sort of tell her about why I quit and stuff, but I couldn't do it. Now by not telling her I feel like I've been dishonest..

I can't help get the feeling that she suspects you had a drinking problem and I think she was giving you a chance to come clean and talk about it when she mentioned her mother does AA. It's a pity you didn't take that chance.

 

That said, not all is lost. You have another date coming up and you might as well dive in and "tell all". You could refer to the time she mentioned her mother and say that you have something to share with her etc. If she dumps you because of it, then it's her loss and you're better off without her. She sounds like a reasonable woman, so I think you have a good chance with her.

[wheelerdealer]

Yeah I agree that she suspects it. I didn't listen to my gut at the time... which is something I'm trying to be better at doing. I've been wanting to call her and just get it out over the phone, but I think that's me trying to take the easy way out. I think it would be more respectable to do it in person. This next date seems like the appropriate time. Maybe just be honest and say, "I feel like I wasn't completely open about my drinking when we talked about it last time..." or something like that. Maybe not make it so serious and heavy. Arg being vulnerable is difficult. But risk is good.

[cocoon2012]

I think more important than her knowing about it is your decision about getting away from alcohol,....!, it is not an easy task, if you understand the issue you can make her understand too!...full life is about courage, diversity and love, but addiction is about fear, selfishness and living our comfort zone. If you clearly understand the point clarifying it with her too, you will be well beyond your problem and she will understand it too....Good luck

[Ariel85]

I really struggle with the label of "alcoholic" and the stereotype that comes along with it. I've had to do a lot of work on my self esteem because of it. Sometimes it's like I've got a huge strike against me out of the gate in terms of dating... But it is what it is and I can't go back or pretend I'm something that I'm not.

 

Are you recently sober? I ask because when I got clean MANY years ago, I felt the need to tell everyone I met that I OD'd. It was stupid, because unless someone has had their own substance abuse problem, or are otherwise closely acquainted with it, I found they tend to judge. If I told a guy I had a problem with blow, he'd tweak if I ordered a cocktail. "Ariel, are you SURE you should be drinking?" Um yeah, wasn't my problem... And I also know that I scared off a bunch of people - both men to date, and people as new friends, with my special brand of over-sharing.

 

I won't wear the label of "recovered/recovering/whatever drug addict". I agree with you that mentally it's not cool, and I know AA and NA shove that messaging down your throat. I felt that if you wear the label, then you can too easily spend your sober life being too attached to who you once were and it's dramatically harder to move on. That's my personal gripe with the organized groups. I know there's a lot of value in them, so if it's working, stick with it. I just found it harder to shake my past when people were trying to force to indentify so strongly with it.

 

Anyhow, so that all being said, I don't think you owe her an explanation at this point. Your journey with this is personal, and it's yours to navigate. I think for early dating, it's fine to say, "Naw, I don't really drink anymore." And leave it at that. I don't see it as something that needs it's own special reveal and has to encompass so much melodrama. Continue to work on your sobriety every day, as you have been, and just don't let it be such an important part of your dating life.

[tatertot2000]

Absolutely nothing wrong with bieng a recovering alcoholic. I am in AA too, and I think it will be best for you to be upfront about it. I think it would be worse if you didnt tell. You never know maybe she likes the fact that you don't drink? You have to give it a shot.

[SpottiOtti]

I agree with Ariel. What being in recovery means to you is something deeply personal that she may not understand. And I don't think it's necessary that she understand anyway, at this point.

Also agree with Ariel that identifying with those labels may be helpful at first, in order for you to be informed and to understand the process of recovery, and if you are strongly identifying with that label right now and learning what it means to you, then it is probably exactly what you need. But eventually, I hope you also feel that you are a whole person whose past is balanced with his present.

It takes a lot of integrity to be considering the question you are asking here. I commend you for it.

[wheelerdealer]

Are you recently sober?

I originally got sober in Feb. of 2010 but relapsed for a month early this year. I'm back in it and feeling stronger than ever. I'm more seeing the light of what Cacoon said, courage diversity and love, as apposed to selfishness in a comfort zone. I've seen how limited my thinking has been etc.

 

I won't wear the label of "recovered/recovering/whatever drug addict".

I feel this way too A LOT. I've found myself over sharing to people that don't really understand or want to hear it. In a way it's me that lets the label define me... I totally get what you're saying about organized groups not letting the past go etc. I've been doing a lot of reading about addiction, but also self esteem and self worth outside of "addiction circles/thinking" and it's really helped me grow. I dunno, I'm making great strides as a person and the catalyst for me was understanding my drinking problem a couple of years ago. So while I can't let it define me, it was definitely important.

 

I see what you're saying. I think at this point I need to say something about it for me. Because it's weighing on me and I want to be able to enjoy the relationship and not have my mind somewhere else. But like you say it doesn't have to be a melodramatic thing unless I make it that way. My sister suggested that I just say like, "hey this was a problem in my life, this is what I'm doing to solve it." and that's that. I like that.

[Ariel85]

Yeah, pretty much. I mean, someone who is sober or clean deals with their own demons in their own way. To bring someone else into that is messy, complicated, and rarely going to be received properly.

 

The label thing was maddening to me. Like Spotti said, it's important to acknowledge the intensity of the problem initially. But, I don't see how anyone can grow when they are still "stuck" being called what they were and trying to move on from. I mean, if you lost 200 pounds, would you run around calling yourself a recovered fat person? I fully understand why I did what I did, what was going in my life emotionally, my pathology - everything that brought me to make those choices. I also fully understand that if I were to use again, I would die, because I know next time, I won't stop and probably won't be so lucky. For me, that honesty with myself is sufficient enough to keep me clean for life. Certainly more than calling myself a recovered drug addict. Phoey on that!

 

If you need to address it, do. But don't over-dramatize it to her, either. I'd leave out the relapse and keep it very matter of fact, like with as much feeling as you once living in an apartment on Main Street. Just another bit of your history, that at this point, should carry no more weight to her.

 

Good job on beating the relapse. Most people need a do-over to get it right before it sticks.

[abitbroken]

If her mom was in AA, she might not be shy to hearing about it. I think you should tell her the truth. Tell her "you know, you asked before about drinking and I told you that I quit to get my stuff together. I actually go to AA also. It will be two years in February, aside from one small relapse since I have been sober. I am very committed to not drinking and have filled my life with hiking (or whatever the hobbies) instead." I think that it is only "baggage" if you start to talk about a failed relationship, details about a binge in college, not feeling loved by a parent or sibling, etc, at this point. Just stick to the positive. And share what is needed. If she starts to talk more about her mom and opens up about things, you can open up more too.

 

It is OKAY if you and she find that you are not a match. It is also OKAY to be honest but you can do that without going over every agonizing detail.

 

She will most likely decide if she wants to continue to date you from the way you treat her and how the dates go.

[hers]

First, good on you for following your program. Do you have a sponsor? If so, what does he say?

 

I'm in al-anon (other side of aa) and have been for 4 years now. When I was dating I neve knew how to bring it up. Much like Ariel shared, I felt the need to tell everyone but for reasons I wasn't sure of at the time. It wasn't till I met my husband that I actually wanted to protect my anonymity and let our relationship and sharing about each other take it's course.

 

If this girl know about aa through her mom, I'd find a way to bring it up in conversation. Like oh that's great your mom is in aa. Do you talk about it with her? How do you feel about it? Then gradually reveal that you're in it too.

 

Idk, that's just my advice even if others disagree. I do recommend talking to your sponsor about it to see what his experience is with dating and sobriety. After all, that's what sponsors are for. Sometimes they understand others may not.

 

Good luck with your sobriety and program.

[MakeItCount]

I can't rep Dr.Ariel anymore. I think I broke the system. Agreed with everything she said.

 

Grats on being sober man. That's huge. If anything, I would see that as a strong characteristic in someone. Good luck!