Trying to friendzone this girl

[NG85]

It's a lot harder than I imagined.

 

I met this girl through a mutual friend about 2-3 months ago (Let's call her Sue) and we exchanged numbers and began chatting a bit. Soon thereafter Sue and I went on a couple of dates. On the first date we got a little too drunk and crazy, so we decided to tone it down a bit on the second date. A week later we went out again, but there was just something that was off. I thought this girl was really cute and fun, but I just couldn't see a future with her. She also wanted to move things really fast, asking me to spend the night at her place after 2 dates. Most guys would jump at that chance, but I just kept getting weird vibes and declined.

 

A few days later I gave Sue the "Let's just be friends" speech. I told her she's a sweet girl, but I just wasn't feeling anything. She kept asking me to give it another chance, but I refused. I felt bad, but it wouldn't be fair to myself to go along just to appease this girl. It also wouldn't be fair to her if I was just along for the ride and not really into her.

 

About 3 weeks later Sue invited me to her birthday party, where she and her friends took out a hotel suite, and I decided I'd stay there so I wouldn't have any problems with getting home after a night of drinking. As the night progressed she began getting touchy-feely, then telling me that she thinks we have chemistry and wondering why things didn't work out between us. She also began buying me drink after drink and complimenting me, just absolutely flattering me. About 2 hours later she began pinning me down and making out with me. At first I wasn't kissing back, but being a guy I gave in to my libido and began kissing her back, all while telling her this is just a birthday present (Bad move, I know).

 

So last weekend this girl who's a mutual friend of ours invited me over to her place to play some music. I had met this girl before and thought she was really cute, so I decided it'd be fun to make the trip out and play guitar. The only problem was it's kind of confusing to get to her place, so Sue offered to drive me. She picked me up, and the three of us spent the afternoon together. Sue and I had a good platonic time, and I didn't sense any weird vibes. The three of us then went to see a concert with some friends at a bar. We were all drinking a bunch, but Sue was perfectly fine and kept up the platonic vibe.

 

Later in the night the girl whose house I visited and I began talking a bit. It was a bit hard to read her, but I was flirting with her and she was flirting back. Ever since then she's been blowing up my Facebook with comments and wall posts and "Likes", as well. Maybe I'm looking too much into it, but she's a cool chick and I'm glad I made the trip out.

 

I hung around Sue a bit, as well, and when the drinks broke out she began to get touchy feely. A few hours in she took me away from my group of friends and began making out with me. She once again said that she thought we had great chemistry. She kept asking me why I wouldn't give her a second chance. I gave her multiple reasons, all of which she claimed were BS. Not only did she disregard my opinions in the matter, she also began whispering dirty things in my ear and saying we should go back to her place. I kept refusing, but every time she went to the bar she'd buy me a drink, whether or not I'd want one. But I felt bad and decided to drink them, and got really really drunk. Seeing as I lived far away and had no other place to stay, I agreed. Another bad move. Just use your imagination as to what happened.

 

 

 

I've talked to her since, but I haven't seen her since the weekend. I'm trying to keep all our interactions as platonic as possible, but it really irks me that she won't respect my wishes to remain friends. She's a nice girl and I'd like to still be able to hang out with her, but every time we do she ends up trying to hook up with me and buttering me up with drinks and flattery. Imagine if I was doing this to her - I'd be the biggest creep in the bar.

 

I guess I'm 50% to blame for getting myself in these situations, but I'd still like to hang out with her and her friends. They're all fun people and I have a good time with them. What would be the best course of action? Give her a talking to? Not see her anymore? Cut off all contact? Or see her, but keep myself surrounded by other people who can act as a buffer for me? Also, is it a dumb move on my part to have been flirting with our mutual friend at the same place Sue was at?

[Madamdiva007]

Why didn't you just stop drinking the drinks, and call a cab to take you home the second time around?

 

I would just tell her that you're sorry if you gave her the wrong impression but you're really only interested in being friends, and if she continues to disregard you're wishes then you can't be friends with her anymore. And no more hooking up with her. I think you're stringing her along and giving her mixed signals.

[Lithp]

It doesn't sound like she is going to take the hint, and it doesn't sound like you're capable of fighting off her advances. I would either cut her off completely or really put your foot down with her. Tell her that things got kind of messy there and that you're partly to blame, but regardless of how much chemistry she thinks you have, you are only willing to be friends at this point and it won't be going any further than that.

[blueidealist24]

The other people gave good advice I think.. and never, ever let her drive you to see another girl!!!! It's obvious she wanted to drive you so she could stick her nose into whatever you and that other girl were going to do. If she buys you a drink just hand it back to her, or leave it on a random table.

[alwaysmoving]

This is all your fault. If you know a girl really likes and wants you, and you know that you don't feel the same way, the absolute LAST thing you should do is have sex with her. And you did it TWICE. Seriously?? Don't blame it on the fact that she was buying you drinks. If you want this girl to be your friend still, the first thing you need to do is admit that you acted like an a**hole. Don't try to say you were upset by her trying to get you drunk and seduce you. By you giving in, twice, and you staying her hotel room and hanging out with her and her friends, you were unintentionally communicating that you were in fact interested. No girl just comes onto a guy that strongly if she knew she'd get rejected. Tell her that you were in the wrong and that you are truly sorry but that it won't happen again. And if you really value her friendship, you can't pursue one of her friends.

[blueidealist24]

It is his fault, but it's not ALL his fault. She was quite aggressive. But yes, he should have rejected the advances anyway.

[lalalollipops]

alwaysmoving, you're wrong. It's obvious he's being really straight up with her. She's the one that's acting desperate and full on. If he didn't say anything and just tried to avoid her, then ok.. he could have made things more obvious. But he told her more than once that he wasn't interested, he wanted to stay friends! It's quite obvious she knows deep inside he's not interested. Thus the need to get him drunk LOL.

[offplanet]

alwaysmoving, you're wrong. It's obvious he's being really straight up with her. She's the one that's acting desperate and full on. If he didn't say anything and just tried to avoid her, then ok.. he could have made things more obvious. But he told her more than once that he wasn't interested, he wanted to stay friends! It's quite obvious she knows deep inside he's not interested. Thus the need to get him drunk LOL.

 

I agree. It's her own fault. She was silly to throw herself at him like that after he told her so many times he wasn't interested.

[abitbroken]

I think that what you need to do from now on is to start off going out with a woman to coffee or pizza or somewhere where you can talk and get to know her and then decide if there is a connection before you get physical. When you start off with a gal in a situation where you are both drunk or getting crazy, she can't help but feel that you are into her with all that physical contact. I mean, its hard to slow down and convince a girl you are not into her when your first date was wild. I think that it is best if you also don't take women up on hotel suites they get just so you don't drive home. Like what was said before, take a cab, have an arrangement with a friend, get your OWN room, or if you are not interested in her, don't keep seeing her "as a friend" and getting drunk each time. break it off. By continuing to get drunk with her and partying with her you are telling her she has a chance.

 

I would just stop seeing "Sue". just go out with other friends or groups instead - be amicable if you see her at a party, but you need to stop sending her mixed messages. she needs to stop pushing if you say no as well, but your mouth is saying no and your actions are saying you want to be around her.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah, I am surprised that it's a debate. You are sending mixed signals. I suppose you would have a valid point if she kept pursuing you and you kept saying no. But when you get rides, make out, have sex, you lose your credibility. If she was a guy acting like a creep in the bar, as you say, the girl wouldn't bang him then get upset that he keeps asking for her number.

 

As a side note, if I were the friend and some guy who pumped and dumped my friend wanted to date me, I would run.

 

I think you are a nice person, but your behavior doesn't have the integrity that you think it does.

[DylanNotorious]

Sorry dude but your fooling yourself. Your letting her do these things to you, in exchange for her friendship. But she dosn't want your friendship, she wants you. If she can't have you, you guys won't be friends anyway, can you not see that?

 

Cut her loose because you've screwed it up by sleeping with her. Going back to just being friends???? HA!

[NG85]

Thanks for the help, everyone. I do agree that a lot of this problem is my fault, and I shouldn't have been so willing to give in to this girl.

 

I talked to a friend about this last night and gave him the unabridged version of the story, and he said that this is the first time he's ever heard of a guy trying to friend zone a girl. Both he and I have been friend zoned dozens of times in our lives, so I figured it would at least be easier to friend zone the gender that does all the friend zoning. It turns out it's not that easy.

 

Like I've said, she's a fun girl, but she's just raised so many red flags in the time we're together. The first is that she always drinks WAY too much whenever we're together, and every time I talk to her at night she's drinking, whether with friends or alone. She's also had problems with drugs in the past and has been to rehab. She's also tried to pry my sexual history and other personal info out of me, while not reciprocating. However, she doesn't hesitate to tell me that so many guys want to have sex with her, but she keeps coming back to me (I took that as a way of her saying "You should be lucky I'm even considering you!").

 

And I should have been more specific - We didn't have full-on sex, were just did some "outercourse" stuff. She kept pushing me to have full-on sex, but we didn't have any condoms, which is a deal-breaker for me.

 

But even the outercourse stuff probably messed things up in the long run. It's like she knew all the right buttons to press to get me to hook up with her. I should've been stronger, but I couldn't help myself. But I've had girls hook up with me but not want anything more, and I was just supposed to accept it and not complain. It's a bit of a shock that switching the gender roles around makes this situation a lot more complicated.

[abitbroken]

if you dont want to date her because she drinks all the time -- why do you want to even be her friend, as in have her around hanging out with you if she is not a good influence on your life. one thing if a lifelong friend battles these demons and you stick by them but you dont really know her. Btw, its kind of the pot calling the kettle black if all you do with her is go drink or party or need to stay at a friend's hotel suite. its not like you have taken her out to dinner or to a movie and she whips out a flask. You are meeting her in and maintained that environment - so stop going to drinking parties and take ladies out on real dates and find out who they are.

 

anyway, just stiop hanging out with her and encouraging her and she will get the message

[waves]

interesting side note I picked up.....

your friend said it was the first time he had heard of a guy trying to friend zone a girl. Why? Do guys just not do that after being sexual(yes that includes outercourse)?

I have been pondering this topic these last couple of days. When guys have lost interest in me in the past, they totally vanish. They refuse to hang out, they don't call me. If I call them we may have great conversations, but then i don't hear from them. I get the picture.

[NG85]

interesting side note I picked up.....

your friend said it was the first time he had heard of a guy trying to friend zone a girl. Why? Do guys just not do that after being sexual(yes that includes outercourse)?

I have been pondering this topic these last couple of days. When guys have lost interest in me in the past, they totally vanish. They refuse to hang out, they don't call me. If I call them we may have great conversations, but then i don't hear from them. I get the picture.

 

Yeah, usually the guy just disappears (Unless the girl contacts them), but in terms of staying friends it's always the girl who initiates it. It's happened to me, it's happened to friends of mine, etc. Girls usually have it easier when calling things off, and many times they do genuinely want to keep the guy as a friend because they do have redeeming qualities, they just don't make good partners. But when guys are friend zoned or break up with a girl their egos are usually heavily bruised, so rather than stick around and feel bad about it they just split. Some people may argue with this, but women have a lot more prospects available to them in terms of partners. Since they're almost always the ones being pursued, they can have their pick of any number of suitors who approach them. For guys it's a bit tougher because they have to do the approaching and ward off the competition. If you've ever been on a dating site, it's not that uncommon to find out a woman gets about 20 times the amount of messages a guy gets.

 

I feel the gender roles have kind of changed with this girl and myself. We do have things in common and we have fun together, but I just don't think she'd make a good partner for me. I can't put my finger on it, but it's just something about her behavior and the way she acts. She actually took me out for dinner last weekend and paid for it to make up for her wild behavior. We had a much more subdued time and it was fun, but even still I just couldn't get 100% into it. But even still she's fun to talk to and hang around, and I wouldn't mind still hanging out with her or her friends, who are also nice people.

 

Aintitbroken asked why I would want to be her friend if I don't think she'd make a good partner - Girls do this all the time to guys, so I don't think what I'm trying to do is all that crazy. I have friends that party a lot or are wild, but many times I can just push them aside if they get to be too much without too much repercussions. In a relationship, it's a much deeper bond. If she really does have a drinking problem then I can only imagine how much she'd have to rely on me. As friends it wouldn't really be my burden. And for the record, I go out about once a week at most - It just so happens that bars are good meeting grounds for people in my age range (Mid-20's).

[browneyedgirl36]

I'm a woman, and I've been "friendzoned." What I mean by that is, I've liked a guy, made it known, and he's NOT reciprocated "in that way" but still wanted to be friends, hang out, etc. But...no sex. I mean, if he only wants to be my friend, then it's probably because he doesn't find me attractive -- at least in some sense -- right?

I've only had ONE case where a guy wanted to really be my friend AND have sex with me -- my ex. But...he's got issues, so he doesn't count. ;-)

 

To the OP -- I think you really dropped the ball on this one. To be frank, you had no business having sex -- of any kind -- with this girl if you knew she really liked you and you didn't reciprocate. No offense, but what did you expect to happen? Most women -- at least a lot of us -- are going to equate affection with a guy being "into" us, I think. I mean, can't even imagine kissing -- let alone having any kind of sexual activity -- with a guy I wasn't into, and I think a lot of women are the same in that regard. She had every reason to think you were at least somewhat interested. Yes, she could have controlled herself, but you had no business getting it on with her if you had no interest. That's just...ugh. Unwise, at best, and at worst, well...icky. Sorry.

 

So...I think you need to cut this one loose. Steer clear.

[NG85]

I dunno, I've been friend zoned by women after sexual encounters several times. I don't understand why it's considered okay for them to do that, but when I try and do that I'm a bad guy.

 

I've also seen plenty of girls be attracted to guys, either physically or personality-wise, but didn't find them to be relationship material. This is what happened in my case - I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt because I know how she feels about me, and she kept trying to prove that she's a better person than she's putting accross, but in the end I keep having doubts. Yes, I find her attractive physically and she's a fun person, but after trying it out a few times I still can't see myself fully committing to her due to all these red flags that keep coming up.