Have I the right to be upset? so unsure.............

[happy_camper]

Hi everyone.

 

my boyfriend and I broke up this time three years ago, we'd been together a year and a half. no cheating or anything, not going into reasons behind breakup. He broke up with me. We got back together about 3 months later. Against the advice of so many people, I contacted him and we met up and have been back together pretty much since then. Or so I thought.

 

I contacted him to meet for coffee, and we did. We caught up on the few months apart. and then at the end of it all we kissed, and I suggested maybe we should try get back together. He said yes. We've always been long distance unfortunately, due to work commitments. Recession has made things difficult but inspite of this, for four and a half years in total, we have travelled, and outside of the few months off, we have made things work. This does mean however that we don't see each other during the week, only at weekends.

 

So the weekend after we met up again, he went off for a lads weekend away. I tried not to think about what might happen with a lads weekend away, especially knowing some of the guys he went away with, they are heavy drinkers. but I put it to the back of my mind. and we got back together have been together ever since. A few times though, I did ask him about that weekend, and what did they all get up to? It eventually came to light that he had kissed a girl that weekend. I was upset because as far as I saw it, trying to get back together means you don't do that. but I put it down to drunkeness, and it was just a kiss, and he loves me and things are working, so leave it be. but something about this never sat well with me, and this weekend, I don't know what possessed me to ask again, but I did. And the answer was different this time. This time, he said yes, he did sleep with this girl.

 

I just don't know how to feel. I felt numb for ages, and then angry, so bloody angry. then upset. then angry again, like a yo-yo. He says he didn't cheat on me, that we weren't back together. Again, I feel that if we were talking about getting back together, then he shouldn't have been sleeping with anyone. He said he didn't go out with the intention of sleeping with anyone that night, it just happened, he was really drunk, and that he only vaguely remembers what happened. He says he would have told me sooner only he knew that if he told me at the time, I would never have got back with him, and he's right. but I don't know where I stand or how I feel anymore. I feel so betrayed. he lied. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he did it, or the fact that he lied about it. we were apart three months during which he wasn't with anyone, I kissed 3 guys, and felt awful about that. then we talk about getting back together and he sleeps with someone else. and then when he told me he tried to justify his actions by saying we weren't back together yet, he wouldn't have done it if we had been. I'm just so confused. I'm so hurt.

 

He's the only person I've ever slept with. I know everyone feels differently about this, but to me, I can't understand how anyone can sleep with someone they don't like or have feelings for. I know men and women are different, but this cuts like a knife. what's really awful are the sordid details of the whole weekend. last weekend, he was out with some of the guys who he was away with that weekend. they were talking about the weekend again, and he was applauded for being the only guy who slept with someone that weekend, that didn't involve going to a brothel, as some of the other guys did. He bumped into her on the way home from the night club, and brought her back to the apartment they were all staying in. apparently, the rest of the details were all vague to him, he woke up the next morning, and she was gone, so he wasn't quite sure if anything had happened or not, but when he came home, he got checked by his doctor just in case. it turns out now, that one of the guys confirmed last week for him, that he had walked into the room and found them having sex.

 

He's done nothing but apologise. He cried, I cried, he's been trying to console me all day, but I just feel so hurt. I feel so disgusted. And then in the middle of it all he also told me that he slept with another girl I know. Another drunken night in college. He went to college with her, and she now lives in my hometown. and I've never been sure why, but I've never liked her. I could never warm to her, and now I know this, I'm raging. I know this happened before I met him, and I know a lot of girls he's been intimate with in some way or other, but they've never bothered me so much, as it's in his past, and we both come from a small town! but I think on top of the other stuff he let me know today, it hurt a lot. I don't know what to do. part of me doesn't want to know him anymore, part of me feels so strongly for him that I want to get over this, but I'm not sure how. am I over reacting? or do I have a right to feel this way? I feel I can't talk to anyone I know because everyone I know also knows the girl he went to college with as well!

[happy_camper]

bump

[chickydoodle]

If the trust is gone for you that would be an issue. If its not, and it is more hurt, jealousy....all those horrible emotions( we would all feel), try and focus on the fact he was honest with you ( eventually- didnt keep it hidden forever). I think you are right to let him know that you are upset and how it makes you feel but you have to move on now from it and forgive him truly, deeply if you love him and want to make it work.

' once a woman has forgiven her man she must not re-heat his sins for breakfast ' Marlene Dietrich

[Ariel85]

I don't see this as a big deal, though I get why you're bummed. Keep in mind...

 

1 - you were not back together, exclusive, nor even dating at that point

2 - him banging some chick as a ONS is hardly him making love to someone else and having feelings for her. It was pure recreation.

 

I will say, however, you seem to be far more invested in this relationship, and always were. He ended it, and you keep resurrecting things. Since you seem to want him so badly and are willing to put yourself out there for him, then why take issues over things that didn't happen during your relationship? I think melting down over someone he slept with in college is not only immature, insecure, but also trying to make him feel badly for something he did years before you and acting like you're so butt hurt is only going to drive him away a second time.

 

RELAX and stop trying to punish him for his past because you can't handle it. And stop asking questions you know you don't want the answers to...

[happy_camper]

Hi chickydoodle, thanks for the reply. I'm not sure it's that the trust is gone. I think it's more hurt and jealousy the more I think about it. I appreciate that he was honest, even if it did take time for this to happen. honestly I'm pretty devastated at the revelations. I feel in ways I only have myself to blame. Like Ariel said, I shouldn't go around asking questions I probably won't like the answers to. I feel I've brought this on myself. What good can ever come of asking questions like that? It's stupid, I know about every person he's ever been with. now I do anyway. and this has never bothered me that much. He has a past, I don't. He was my first everything. But this has really hit me hard.

 

We spoke more about it last night after I had posted on here. I was pretty cruel to him to be honest, it was all out of anger, but that doesn't justify it. I asked about the girl he slept with in college that I know. I realise now Ariel that it was an immature response, I was just so upset yesterday that I felt it was rubbing salt in the wound when he told me, I never asked him about that, he just fired it out there completely out of the blue, it floored me. I know her and I run into her at least once a week, and I just find the thought that he slept with her makes it hard for me to look her in the face. I know it's a pathetic reaction, I feel if I'd known this ages ago, it wouldn't matter so much now, it's the way it was thrown in there yesterday that it's bothering me now. In fact I saw her tonight, and it hurt me to even look at her, but I think that's more to do with the fact that I'm hurting in general right now. As I said, I asked him for more info about what happened there. it turns out they slept together on their grad night. she had been flirting with him for months. He didn't have any feelings for her, and she had a child from a previous relationship, and he wasn't interested in getting involved in the situation. in his own words however, he knew she was lonely and saw it as an opportunity to get what he wanted. they lost touch until 3 years ago when she moved to our town. nice.

 

I went to town on him about this. I actually feel sorry for her now. That he used her. looking back on his history with the ladies, there's not one of them he's left without hurting them pretty badly. I flung all of this at him in anger yesterday. I asked him how is it that he can treat girls so cruelly without any consideration for their feelings? he seems to have strung girls along without really knowing what he was doing if that makes sense. truthfully, I know he hasn't a vindictive bone in his body, he just doesn't think about what he's doing, he's impulsive. I told him how horrible it was that he had treated said girl from his grad night like that. how horribly he broke up with his ex before me. and numerous other girls he's hurt. I was so angry, and I know I shouldn't have said all those things, but I did, because I wanted to hurt him, I wanted him to feel some of the pain that I was feeling and I didn't care. Until he was sobbing like a baby. I've never seen him like that before and it killed me and then the tides turned and I was consoling him. He kept saying how he wasn't good enough for me, I deserve better, that I should walk away now before I hurt him anymore, that he's a terrible person. I felt so awful. I was so cruel to him. I wanted to show him that it's not ok to treat girls that way, that he should have more respect. I also asked him what he would think if it had been the other way round, and I'd done what he had done. that really upset him. he said he could never forgive me. I asked him how would he feel if one of his sister's boyfriends did the same thing, what would he say? he didn't like that either. when the shoe was on the other foot for him, it put it in completely different light. he said thinking about it that way made him feel that things would never be the same with us again, how could they be?

 

I ended up gutted that I had spoken to him the way I did, and forgot about being upset at the other stuff, I felt worse at myself. He went to leave last night, saying that he'd hurt me enough over the years, he didn't want to hurt me anymore. I've been yo-yo-ing between never wanting to see him again, and just wanting things to be normal again ever since he told me. When it came to him leaving, it was gut wrenching. I asked him not to leave. I don't even know why. I can't figure out how I feel. he wanted to know why I wasn't more angry with him? why I didn't want him to leave me alone forever? I can't answer these things. I was angry. that subsided when I saw how much I hurt him. and now I'm angry again now he's not here. I know I shouldn't have said all those things to him, I couldn't stop apologising to him. and he just took it on the chin, he said "you were angry and I deserved it, you didn't say anything that wasn't true". He also said that he had convinced himself that what he'd done was ok because we technically weren't back together. but he sees how it comes accross to me, and that how he justifies it, justifies nothing to me.

 

ariel I see what you are saying, both number one and number two. it was recreation purely as you put it. it's a mindset that unfortunately I've never been able to understand, and I can't come to grips with it. we might not have technically been together, but it feels like cheating to me. although a part of me is saying it was nearly three years ago, just let it go, I can't. part of what's hurting is, like you said, I've been more invested in this from the word go. I can't help it and I don't know why. I dont' know why I've become this way, I've always thought I was such a strong person. when it comes to him, I'm not. I wish I was. I keep kicking myself, wondering what kind of self respect do I have left. there's been several situations which would have broken up any other couple, gambling, long distance, and several job losses over the years which haven't helped. but for some reason we survive. maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I love him too much for my own good. I keep second guessing myself on this score. I don't know what it is but I just don't want to be without him. I've been there before and it wasn't good.

 

so chickydoodle, you can also see that reheating his sins for breakfast is something I'm very good at. I'm not proud of it. I hate myself for hurting someone who is really good at heart, just not always so good in the execution! I just don't know where to go from here. I can't make up my mind how to feel. If I can let go of this. and if I can, how do we move on? we're both hurting now.

 

I want so bad to talk to some friends about it. I just don't feel I can. part of it is because so many of them were against us getting back together in the first place, that to admit now that this happened is humiliating for me. I went back to him even though he broke up with me, and I thought that because I was hearing from other people how much he regretted the break up and he missed me, that this was ok. I'm afraid to talk about this because people will probably think that we should break up. that if I stay with him after finding out this, I must be weak. so for this reason I feel it would be better say nothing at all and bottle it up. which is abnormal for me, I always have to talk to someone. I don't know what to do.

[happy_camper]

apologies for being so long winded about this. I really appreciate being able to offload this here, and so much appreciate the replies. thanks to chickydoodle and ariel for reading and replying.

[happy_camper]

I'm really missing him right now. I haven't spoken to him since he left on tuesday morning. I know it's not that long ago, but we always call or at least text. I want to talk to him so much. And yet I don't know what to say that will help me get over this. I want to talk to him and yet I don't want to have to be the person who breaks the ice again.

 

I spoke to my best friend about it today. I didn't really want to, but I feel better after talking to her. I felt so tense about it and I guess because she knows us in person she can offer a different perspective to people here too. She was shocked. in relation to the one night stand, she said that although she's not in the situation herself, and it's always hard to know when its someone else, if it were her, she would be able to move past it, as hurtful as it was, because no. 1) it was so long ago, no. 2) we weren't technically back together, 3) he didn't care about her, and 4) trust wasn't broken. she said that knowing what we're like together (I live with my best friend, and my boyfriend stays in my apartment every weekend so she sees us together all the time) she thinks and hopes we can get through it. I told her everything I said to him as well, that I listed up above. and how we ended up on monday night. things seemed ok when he was leaving, but you know the way thoughts can fester. she thinks from the way it ended, that the ball is in my court to contact him. I just don't know what to say. I know part of why I'm feeling so bitter about this now is because it was me making moves to get back together before, only to find out this happened. I explained this to her too, and she said that although she had her reservations at the start about us getting back together, that she doesn't feel I've made a mistake. she's never seen us look anything but happy together, even when we're going through our rough patches, of which there have been many. and she's always known about them, because I tell her everything. that any move I've made with us over the past few years, has always seemed right, no matter how hard it's been.

 

I also told her about the girl from college, who she also knows. her answer was "are you actually surprised at that? You've always felt weird about that situation. I'm not surprised at all." she also thought it was worse to know about this than the one night stand, because I run into the same girl so much. I know it happened before I met him. I just don't want to run into her all the time! I know that will wear off with time. I hope anyway. I just feel that any time she annoys me in general that will spring to mind. I know that's pathetic and immature. I don't know how to change my mindset. need to work on that.

 

I'm sorry for ranting so much. I overthink things, and this is stuff that I'm particularly sensitive about. I'm almost treating this like a diary, whether or not people reply or not, though I would appreciate the input! Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved on from it? I just need to know what the next step is. I think the distance and not seeing him during the week makes it harder, in spite of being together so long, it's not really natural to not see each other during the week, and in this case it makes any issue seem magnified because you haven't the same closeness. I feel so bad for hurting him the way I did, I feel awful. What do I do now? I feel by my actions I've turned this around on myself, I have to do something to make it right, but I'm hurting so much too.

[mhowe]

You have to accept that you are not in a relationship with him. You were talking about getting back together, and he was still dating/sleeping with other women. So the talks hadn't even gotten off the ground. And you lit into him as though you were a couple and he cheated on you. I wouldn't think he will be in any hurry to contact you in the near future.

 

You need to get on with your life. You've been carrying a torch for him for too long.

[chickydoodle]

How are you going Happy Camper?. Sorry I didnt get back to the thread til now and read the bit where you mentioned other problems in the relationship gambling; job losses etc raised a red flag-with me. Also when you described the ctalk, I felt he turned it around masterfully- his sobbing, emphasizing what a horrible person he is......etc.amazed me at how he cleverly made you feel like the one in the wrong. Perhaps a gentler approach in communicating your feelings, was in order but his handling of it, reeks of clever manipulation to me. Does he do drugs? or have an addiction of any sort?

I always worry ( from past experience) when the person you are with is bringing out the worst in you; makes you feel like you are going crazy. You do seem to be insanely jealous and crushed by his dalliances even tho' he wasnt with you. What is it about the relationship that makes you feel this? Your insecurity, or something not altogether true about him that is being confirmed? If it was real Love I dont think you would be going thru' such an emotional turmoil.

Is he emotionally distant, uncommunicative , and it is making you even more desperate?

Have you been like this in other relationships?

When it is real Love I dont think we feel so upset about such issues as you described. I think there is a lot more going on here that is more than you merely over-reacting. Your hurting inside is disproportionate to what he has done. Is there more to this. Are there unhealed aspects within you from past experiences or other aspects to him not yet revealed?

I guess you may be back with him by now- but whatever happens hope you are okay. All the best CD

[happy_camper]

Hi Chickydoodle, I know I posted this ages ago, but I only just saw your reply.

 

I've posted another thread entitled 'I finished it' in the breaking up section. I didn't finish it for any of the reasons listed above. I came here to rant at the time, I guess because I didn't feel like I could talk about it, and I needed perspective. I got over the whole idea. Yeah we were broken up when he had ONS, and that girl in college obviously came way before me. I felt more insecure about that though, because as I said, I see her at least twice a week, and each time, she'd come over telling me she was texting my then boyfriend, and 'oh, I just chatting to him last night' to me, that really got to me, in spite of the fact that she doesn't know I knew about them in college. I happen to know her own relationship is a farce, she has 3 kids, two with guy she is with now, she got pregnant shortly after getting with him and they only stayed together because of this. I think she feels my ex boyf is a soft touch who'll take pity on her. he certainly won't take on her kids!

 

I think you were right though. I'm seeing it now, this relationship has brought out the worst in me. I've been second guessing myself a long time now, wondering if I was over reacting to things or not, when all I wanted I think was a little validation from him. I don't know why I was so crushed by his dalliances as you say. even distance isn't making it clearer to me. I'm insecure I guess. if you look at my new thread, you might see why! I don't know would you say emotionally distant, or any of those things. We've been long distance 4 and a half years if that's any help. I began to pull away the last 6-8 months because he kept telling me how unhappy he was, job losses have taken their toll though he's doing the best he can there. but each time he lost his job he'd tell me he was also unhappy with the relationship when a few weeks before, everything was fine. I was yo-yo-ed up and down, and each time it happened, I pulled further away, but he couldn't see how his yo-yo-ing affected me, no matter how I tried to show him. It was unfair to take it out on me. And part of me thinks now that I over-reacted to try show him how much it hurt because normal communication didn't. not that that helped either! I'm sorry it came to this though