Fudgie Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Something I've wondered. Please, tell me your thoughts. I'm 22 and I'm with someone now who is 20, almost 21. He and I have been best friends for the past 6 years, despite us both having other relationships. He was a virgin until me. I've slept with 2 other guys but they were both very small so sleeping with him was like the "first time" I never had. I've never been with a virgin before and I've always wondered if someone (guy, or a girl even) always felt that they had to experience LOTS more and therefore didn't want to have a LTR at all because if they did, they would feel like they were missing out because they didn't get to sleep around beforehand. I guess I am lucky in that my boyfriend already grew out of the "drinking until you're trashed" phase. He doesn't like to party, play/watch sports, club, dance, and or rave. So he's sort of atypical like me, but I worry that someday in the future, he'll start wanting to have sex with other women just to get that experience down and will feel like he is "missing out" by being with me and not sleeping around. Boy, that would make me feel horrible. I'm very committed to meeting all of his needs but I still worry even though he has told me that he wants us to be long-term for sure. I've never been with a virgin guy before and I hear a lot of stories, particularly about young men and how many always end up regretting not sleeping around. I'm sure it's an irrational emotion on my part, me worrying. But I still do it. Thanks. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 We've already tried about 7-8 positions.....about 4 of these are exceptionally good but they are all good and ALL are definitely worth it again and again. We looked up 4 recently that we want to try. Only got to 1 the last time, will get to the others later. I'm now experimenting with backdoor stuff (mine, not his) and am open to whatever. He's not into RPing but we are getting silk ties for, well tying. He gets a BJ almost everyday I see him, usually without asking. Can sex ever get boring? LOL, I'm serious. I'm scared that we will run of new ideas and he'll get bored but he seems very satisfied with our sex life, even when we go through days where we won't try anything new but just go with what feels good. I really hope it doesn't get boring in the future. Link to comment
BrokenM4n Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Nope! Keep it exciting and although you're now a couple make sure you also remain as best friends - it worked for us as a couple for 12 years. As a man, yes he will certainly wonder what it's like but as long as it's exciting and he has the kind of respect for you that only a best friend would, then he'll never let the temptation overwhelm him. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Depends on the guy. My ex was a virgin when we had sex and he had that 'sowing oats' mentality and cheated on me twice (that I know of). Whereas L never had that urge. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 You can never predict what he may think/feel in 10/20/30 years. But is it really worth worrying about that now and diminishing all the good things in the presence? Live in the here and now and make sure that every day with him you make the best out of it. Link to comment
tyr72 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 He may wonder. That would only be natural, but if he is the caliber of person that you seem to think he is, then I think that as long as you make time for each other and communicate he will never regret. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 Thanks guys. I guess I am just worrying because I haven't been with a virgin/someone my age in a long time, lol. I long had this idea in my head that "younger men are more likely to cheat/sleep around" but hey, any gender at ANY age can do that. I haven't asked him directly but he's talked about college people "sleeping around" and how he doesn't know how people can do it and how he doesn't want to. We're definitely still best friends and I plan to keep on doing what I'm doing. I'm going to try not to worry. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Not all guys are the same. Yes, oat sowing is alive and well among many young guys. But it sounds like you've found one that doesn't adhere to stereotypes. And you're best friends as well. I would just be really, really, really happy with what you have. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 Yes, I am very happy as it is. I think I need to concentrate on stuff right now and continue to let the relationship bloom into something that is happy, healthy, and good for both of us. I am just a bit of worrywart when it comes to future concerns, lol. I'm glad I have ENA so I can come and voice it here. Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 LOL hey Fudgie, remember you told me in my thread that you are confident you can give your bf what other girls cant so you dont worry he will go after more attractive girls? then why are you worried he may want to experience all women? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 LOL hey Fudgie, remember you told me in my thread that you are confident you can give your bf what other girls cant so you dont worry he will go after more attractive girls? then why are you worried he may want to experience all women? Well it's true. I'm confident that I can give him what he needs now so he's not going to cheat or stray. So I don't worry about other women and don't have issues there. However, I have no idea about the future. That's what I'm concerned about. I worry that he will feel in the future that he should have "slept around" when he could have, just get that experience. Not so much about falling in love or cheating, just wanting that experience and wanting to be able to "get around" like some guys at my college do. He told me wants a LTR and have us be together for years, years, years....but I still worry. Link to comment
Lithp Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I don't think you should worry about what is to come. To stress about the future isn't doing you much good, is it? If you are happy now, and feeling fulfilled in your relationship now, then that is all that matters. No one has any say over the next ten or twenty years, or even how they will feel tomorrow. If, by some chance, he comes to you in a few weeks or months or years and says that he feels he needs to allow himself more experience with multiple women, then so be it, there's not much to do about it and thinking about it now is pointless. I don't think there is a general answer for all people in a situation like this. Maybe he might feel it but not act on it, maybe he might not feel it at all. Just enjoy your relationship and if he does decide he needs more eventually, you can know that at least you gave it your all. Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Well it's true. I'm confident that I can give him what he needs now so he's not going to cheat or stray. So I don't worry about other women and don't have issues there. However, I have no idea about the future. That's what I'm concerned about. I worry that he will feel in the future that he should have "slept around" when he could have, just get that experience. Not so much about falling in love or cheating, just wanting that experience and wanting to be able to "get around" like some guys at my college do. He told me wants a LTR and have us be together for years, years, years....but I still worry. people here pointed out that i dont have much faith in men cuz i think they always like something new though we give them all they want..i guess you are kind of same as me lol worrying guys wants to experience everything. not all guys do. and in the future maybe you will be the one who want to explore other guys it's future..you cant worry about some possibility lol Link to comment
Stay_home Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I'm not an oat sower.. I've been with a few women but I haven't put a lot of emphasis on sowing my oats in that sort of fashion. It's just never really been me and it's not within my nature to live out promiscious in that context. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 Yeah who knows could be me! LOL. I have had past experience though, he hasn't. I do trust my boyfriend to be faithful to me and all that, so I don't think that wanting to experience more is necessarily a bad trait, as long as you don't cheat. I just really don't want that to happen. I'm not an "oat sower" myself. I took a big risk in choosing to be with him because of our friendship and knowing that if this ends, then it's likely that the friendship might too. So with him, more than my other boyfriends, I've always worried. He's been one of my biggest supporters for years. Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I do trust my boyfriend to be faithful to me and all that, so I don't think that wanting to experience more is necessarily a bad trait, as long as you don't cheat. I just really don't want that to happen. . so it's fine for you if he secretly wanted to experience some women, as long as he'd control himself not to act on it?? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 Well, I mean, if he's going to feel like he wants to experience more, I'd rather he leave me than cheat, that's for sure. BUT if he wanted to experience more, but never told me, and never cheated....I can't say that it bother me, because I would never know, ya know? If a thought exists in his mind but I don't know of it and he doesn't act on it, well, then I can't be bothered unless something happened. Some guys (not all) like to fantasize about their girlfriends' friends. It happens. I don't believe my boyfriend does this, actually, I know he can't because he can't visualize things in his mind and so he can't daydream or fantasize...but if he were able to, I'd really rather he just not tell me and keep those thoughts to himself and not cheat. > I don't know of a guy who tells a girl "I want to experience more woman" unless he was explaining why he was leaving. Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 or a bf as blunt as mine would tell a girl that.. you mentioned fantasizing gf's friends? well my bf once said to me he was jealous that his mates trying to get with my friend. i asked what does it have to do with you and what is the jealous for? he said "cuz i cant do anything to her. so no one else should" face palm. it better be a joke..i was going "what the ****" in my mind but i still very calmly,and in a light tone, asked him how he seriously think about that said friend. then he went on saying "she has a nice body that's why my mates want her but her face isnt that good." well i dont really know what to think of it Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Yeah who knows could be me! LOL. I have had past experience though, he hasn't. Yeah, but you didn't "sow your wild oats." One can hardly call 2 other partners, "Sowing your oats." So theoretically, you could say, "I wonder if I've missed anything not being a 'girl gone wild', like the other girls around school." In fact, anyone who has x number of partners could wonder what it would have been like to have y number of partners, or better yet, z. I think this thread title assumes that men are a lot different from women in this day and age. I think a lot of young men have to prove to themselves and their guy friends that they're viable and highly desirable (which I believe is what sowing oats is truly about, whether that's conscious or not; more than actually having an insatiable craving for sex and variety, even if that's certainly one motivator), and so they go about a wild oat-sowing campaign. But I think most women now have the same need to feel validated this way, as well as having the curiosity. It's still not socially as acceptable for women to want this or act on it (remnants of a Puritanical ethos live on even in the modern era), and very, very broadly speaking, I think "sowing oats" is part of how men are biologically wired, whereas a woman's tendency leans towards "nesting" (I'm being VERY general here, I reiterate). But as times have changed, women also feel compelled to experiment and "live it up" sexually. I'm saying that I think curiosity, the desire to experiment, feel validated by the opposite sex through sex, keep up with the Joneses, and experience a lot sexually is as much a part of the female psyche as a man's. I can say that personally, though I never was an "oat sower" either, I have often wondered what it would have been like, and feel that's an area of curiosity/uncharted territory that has not fully been satisfied in my life. I know with certainty I could have acted on this if some negative circumstances and hindrances weren't in my history, so I can't say that I entirely chose not to pursue such curiosities. Still, I feel at the end of the day, at best, I would have tried things and then said, no thank you -- and I'd be here, anyway. Which is to say, wanting to bond with and be with one person whom I love and trust; I strongly suspect that for me, the novelty of varied sex would have worn out pretty fast, no matter what, because novelty in this area doesn't do much for me. I know this is the kind of input you were fielding from MEN in your thread here, but I feel it's just as pertinent for me as a woman to answer, given that as I said, curiosity is part of the human makeup, not just male. So xyzzz has a point that the risk is theoretically as much there for your bf that someday you'll have wished you "got out more", even though you had two lovers before him. I think if a person is not of an "oat sowing" mentality, there would almost have to be a whole personality shift for a change strong enough to impact the relationship to happen. I'm not trying to give you false reassurances, and like everyone else is saying, the future is really unpredictable and out of our hands. But if you're going with some reasonable patterns of human nature, people who incline a certain way usually continue to incline that way when it's a major part of their personality. I find it hard to image how a person wouldn't be able mentally to fantasize and daydream, as you say about your bf -- and I suppose it depends on what you mean when you say that. I think if a person could in no way conjure up a scenario that does not exist right in front of them, that would have such broad implications about their functionality, it would impact vast areas of their life in a limiting way. But I believe some element of that is necessary to cheat, because a lot of wishful thinking and imagining goes into the act before someone cheats, most of the time. It's relatively uncommon for someone in a serious LTR to suddenly be overcome by the overwhelming, irrepressible urge to ravish the lady picking out bell peppers at the supermarket, and for that to be mutually felt, leading to a rendezvous in the stockroom. But if you say your bf doesn't have the ability for mental forethought or premeditation (which is involved in fantasy), he'd have to be capable of such ungovernable, impulsive urges and behaviors to wind up cheating. Link to comment
BlueEagle Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I wouldn't overthink it. There's no way to get inside his head and determine if he'll want to leave you and sow his wild oats with other women in the future. Even he may not know this. It's just difficult, if not impossible, to say for sure. Instead of fixating on conjecture and the "what if's," I think it would behoove you to not worry too much about it. I would stay in the present and not get entangled with potential future issues that may not even occur. I understand it's a risk, a vulnerability on your part, but really, all relationships require you to put your neck out there. Don't think of him as a virgin who has missed out on things, he's more than that: he's someone you're with for a reason. There was something, or some things, that attracted you to him in the first place. I wouldn't put him under a microscope, but instead just enjoy what you have with him. He's probably a great guy who found his special someone in you and doesn't even think about what he missed or will miss by being with you. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 Yeah, as I said, women can do it too. I just don't see as much. I think a part of that is societal pressure and what is acceptable. I've now slept with 3 men and I consider that not a "lot" but a "fair number". I don't know how much others sleep with but 3 seems like a normal amount, maybe even a bit for someone my age (22). I know girls with 5-6 though in my class and that doesn't bother me though. I guess it's just me. I've only 2 people (just men) who can't "visualize" and N is definitely one of them. I don't think it impacts functionality as much it does fantasies, art ability, etc. He can do math in his head, he's musical, very creative, but can't do drawings or art. He can't free-style draw. When I am away, he can imagine my voice but not my face or my features. When we started having sex, he had NO idea of new things to do or fantasies...it's also why he hated sex in the dark. Takes him a long time to recognize people. He does have the ability to think ahead and plan and all that. But when he closes his eyes and tries to imagine (I've tried to help him in the past) he can't see the mental "pictures". But anyway, that's kind of irrelevant. I guess I'm just worrying. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 You're right, I'm overthinking things. I do that sometimes. > Like I said, I'm not worried about cheating or anything. I just don't want him to end up inevitably leaving in the future or wishing he could because he "missed out" on experience. We are both ending college at this time and I feel like I have all this experience (feels that way) but he doesn't. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I don't think you should worry about it now. If it comes up then you'll have to deal with it but for now just enjoy what you're doing. I think he will be happy if you're having fun in the bedroom/meeting each others' needs.. he won't need to look anywhere else and I have heard of guys who only slept with one girl their whole lives, it is kind of rare but it does happen. Link to comment
WhenWillILove Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I think for the most part, yes. But I'd rather accept the worst. It can only get better from down below, right? Link to comment
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