Should I fake interest in my niece's life? (Sister is hurt I'm not interested)

[Lucy__lou]

I'm feeling guilty because I told my sister that I hardly ever look at all the family photos she sends me of her and her daughter, and she seems surprised and offended.

 

Ok, so back story. She and I have never been particluarly close, but now that she's had her first child, it's like she expects me to be all interested in her life. She sends me and our parents photos about 6 - 10 times a year, and I only occasionally look at them, and today on the phone, I told her this. She seemed offended. I tried to explain that I'm busy and that my internet connection is slow, but it still offended her. She expects me to take more of an interest than I do.

 

Should I force myself to take an interest when in all honesty, I've got better things to do?

 

I'd like to be a good aunty to this kid, but the fact is, I don't get along with my sister all that well. I think she's a decent person, and she's been through some struggles and come out on top of them like a hero, but as kids, she treated me pretty bad, and I just have an aversion to her that I can't seem to shake. And when we speak (maybe 5 times a year over skype), I find myself getting very impatient and bored with talking to her. I want to stay in contact, but talking to her always feels like a chore. She just frustrates me. I don't know what it is though. Maybe it's just childhood baggage that makes me so impatient with her.

 

Since we've been adults, she's always wanted to be in my life more than I have wanted to be in hers. Should I force myself? Should I fake it?

 

any insight or advice welcome.

[lavenderdove]

Some families are close and some just aren't.... We have an idea that families are 'supposed' to be close, but many times there are so many factors that prevent that and work against it.

 

And everyone has their own personalities, and siblings don't always get along or even like each other. So your feelings are not uncommon, but i think the problem here is that you voiced something aloud that wasn't too diplomatic and basically declares loud and clear that you couldn't care less about her or her children. If she has a different idea of family than you do (i.e., that you should care about her and her children because you are her sister), then that cat is out of the bag and she is probably upset about it if she expected more from you.

 

Nobody can make you do anything you don't want to do, so you can just quit talking to her so much... stop answering her calls or respond at the level you feel comfortable with (i.e., don't answer her calls if she calls all the time, but do call her at points you are feeling are comfortable for you). But keep in mind that you may be burning a bridge if you do this and decide you need her or family later. If you are going to be not too involved with her, then you will have to pay the price for that of perhaps losing her entirely or her unwillingness to think well of you because you've told her you don't enjoy her or her kids all that much.

 

But honestly, talking 5 times a year isn't much at all.... you are better off just talking for half an hour or whatever and recognizing that is less than a couple hours per year invested in her, and just learn to deal with it like any other unpleasant task like going to the dentist or doing your taxes or whatever. It can be quite unkind if you let your annoyance shine thru when she isn't asking that much of you.

 

You could also try shifting the contact to email rather than phone if you feel talking is burdensome to you...

[offplanet]

If she bothers you that much, then I don't think you should force yourself to be involved with her just because she's your sister. Apparently she's treated you in such a way as to have incurred your dislike, so she has to live with that now. I've become cynical about the idea of having to be nice and polite to everyone to the extent that you become overinvolved with people you have no interest in being involved with, and who you have an aversion to for whatever reason. Maybe you can be a nice but distant aunty to the child, sending gifts etc occasionally.

[quirky]

Have you talked to her about how you feel she treated you badly as children, why do you have that aversion towards her?

Are you interested in having a better relationship with her?

[Lucy__lou]

Thanks. Some good clear advice there. Especially

 

1. Burning bridges (I don't want to burn a bridge)

2. Being diplomatic ( I really need to improve in that area).

3. Remembering it's only a couple of conversations a year, so I should be able to manage to be much nicer than I have been.

4. Remembering that if I put more time into the emails then it will compensate for fewer conversations (which I do find difficult to maintain sometimes).

 

Thank You!

 

(hopefully I can mend this one)

[Lucy__lou]

Maybe you can be a nice but distant aunty to the child, sending gifts etc occasionally.

 

I would like for my niece to feel like she can come and stay with me when she grows up / wants a break from her parents. I'd like to be that person. It's just that whole thing where women who have babies think that everyone is or should be as obsessed with their children as they are. It's a common thing I think. I bet there's a lot of mums out there who have been blocked by half of their facebook friends after they had babies, and went too far by posting new baby pics on their wall 5 times a day, making all their friends' feeds 90% baby pics. Ugh!

 

(My niece is really adorable, and I love kids, and I love being an aunty, it's just that I resent being expected to humour my sister who has the classic "my baby is the centre of the universe and you should think so too" syndrome.

 

well said by the comedy duo garfunkel and oates in their song "pregnant women are smug"

 

 

[Lucy__lou]

Have you talked to her about how you feel she treated you badly as children, why do you have that aversion towards her?

Are you interested in having a better relationship with her?

 

It seems too far back to warrant bringing it up now. She used to dominate me and boss me around, and bully me, but she doesn't now. She's a mature adult. A nice person who wants to be my friend. I just find her annoying sometimes, and I think the fact that she used to impose herself on me makes me extra sensitive to her. Extra irritable. I want to have a better relationship with her, but I find myself becoming very impatient when I talk to her, like she's wasting my time.

 

I can waste time on lots of things, but when she wastes my time, I count every second and resent each second of my life that I feel I'm losing while she chatters away.

 

I really do need to learn to be kinder to her, because she can be quite sensitive. I've made her cry a couple of times. I have to be careful. We had a bit of a tumultuous childhood, and she's come out damaged. I worry she might have a breakdown one day.

[Batya33]

I guess I'm an exception according to you (I do know the type of women you mention but I don't think it's common). I am very focused on my child -I waited 2 decades to have a child - and love being a full time mom. But - guess what - I have a brain and common sense. My default mindset is "I think the world of my child, as does my husband, the grandparents and my sister -and they all want to hear every little detail/minutae of his life and see photos, see him, etc BUT I assume that no one else does, even my dearest friends who have their own children, and I assume that no one other than this very select group is that interested in what's going on with him". Am I that unusual to be able to distinguish my perspective/mindset (and that of the immediate family) from the rest of the world? I've had to do that in other situations too of course - I didn't go on and on about my husband when we first connected, or how awesome my brand new career was, when it was, etc. It's common sense.

 

I have hundreds of friends on Facebook. I've posted zero photos of my child and no plans to change that. I e-mail photos to those who ask and that's a few times a year, perhaps 3-6 photos and occasionally email a photo of my child back to someone who emailed me a photo of theirs. I don't need the outside world's approval or enthusiasm about my child.

 

I don't think you should have a close relationship with your niece unless you are prepared to be 100% supportive of how her parents are raising her and of her parents as individuals unless of course there is actual abuse or neglect and you feel you have no choice but to step in. It's not fair to your niece - obviously you can be the person who "spoils" her but the mindset of "a break from her parents" -that's ok except that you think so negatively of your sister that I'm afraid that negative energy might come accross since you also say you have a hard time being diplomatic. Typically I'm all for the "it takes a village" to raise a child -and Aunties are top of that list - but the village concept requires teamwork/support/reinforcement of what the parents choose to do and I don't think you're that person right now.

 

As far as the photos -no need to tell your sister you didn't look at them/didn't care to look at them - a simple "thanks for the photos" suffices -I'm sure she won't quiz you on them. No need to fake interest- when you speak to her infrequently give her 5-10 minutes to gush and then diplomatically change the subject or say you have to go.

[TheVP]

The word "lol" is a universally accepted way of feigning interest with minimum effort. Just reply "lol" to all the funny ones.

[Lucy__lou]

That sounds like good advice Batya.

 

I know that my negativity can't be good for anyone. I want to be supportive, and I think my niece is with good parents. That's not the issue. The issue is my short patience with my sister. I feel guilty for not contacting her as often as she'd like, and of course for not reading all her email updates on the details of her life, but when I do make myself contact her, I find myself not being as nice as I would like to be. I'm not a very subtle or diplomatic person at the best of times, and of course, siblings tend to bring that side out even more, but really, we're both too old for that kind of behaviour. I'm just doing poorly at it. And like I said, the whole being nice and interested is not coming naturally, so I'm in a predicament of deciding whether to hide, or put on a bit of a performance to keep things nice.

 

The more I talk about it here and get feedback, the more I'm thinking I need to just suck it up and be nice, in order to avoid burning bridges with my only sibling.

 

As for being an aunty for my niece to take a break from her parents, this is like, in 16 years time, when she grows up. I just like the idea of playing that role. I wouldn't want it to be adversarial towards my sister, I just know that teens often hate their parents, and it's nice to have an aunt to go stay with at that phase in your life. This isn't related to the conflict I have with my sister now.

[Stay_home]

I think you should try to make a mends with your sister. If she's attempting to reconcile the relationship between you two and making an effort to be a part of your life, I think you should welcome that. Not only that, but it sets a good example for your niece as well.

[Batya33]

Yes Lucy I couldn't agree more that a teenager needs someone just like you to escape to! I did the same while continuing to be supportive(as I know you will be, I can tell from your post and I sense a lot of self-knowledge and humility and all that good multisyllabic psychobabble from you!)

 

I'm really sorry about the relationship between you and your sister - I know how frustrating it is to feel obligated by a family relationship to be pleasant to someone you dislike or who bores you. I mean it. I'm glad you're working on sucking it up even though it's hard - for your niece's sake. Best to you.

[catfeeder]

It helps me to bring my perspective back when I ask the question "If I'm not interested in being kind to my own family members, who, exactly, am I 'saving up' my kindness to spend it on?"

 

This helps me clarify who in this world really matters to me--beyond 'me'.

[quirky]

It may sound like old baggage but it'd be worth revealing your deeper feelings about the past. I did that with my sister when I was 31 and she 33 and I can't describe to you how good our relationship is today. Before, I was never able to fully trust her because of the way she'd been to me. It took a bit of time but it was worth it.

It's true most mothers get obsessed with their children particularly the first 18 months. You can try and talk about other things too, take her attention to another topic.

[Batya33]

It helps me to bring my perspective back when I ask the question "If I'm not interested in being kind to my own family members, who, exactly, am I 'saving up' my kindness to spend it on?"

 

This helps me clarify who in this world really matters to me--beyond 'me'.

 

I don't believe that blood requires kindness if the blood relation has been abusive or constantly disrespectful etc. It probably requires civility on the (hopefully rare) occasions you're in the same room or in contact but I don't think blood needs to take priority in those kind of extreme situations. It sounds like the OP's situation is a bit more of a mix but I can relate to her ambivalence.

[Seraphim]

The thing is though if you are impatient and not interested in your sister now, the wish to see more of your niece won't come to pass. The wish of being someone she can turn to won't come to pass either, She won't even know you and won't be interested. You will be the aunt she knows she has but eh whatever.

 

I think it is worth going over how you felt as children if you are this impatient and irritated with her.

[penelope13]

I agree with Victoria: if you want a close relationship with your niece later in life - you need to start nurturing it today. My niece lives on a different continent, yet she is always very excited to see me - only because I maintain regular contact with her now via skype (of course one of the parents is helping her on the technical side) so that I can experience how her little world is changing all the time. I am not extremely close with my sibling and the partner, yet we all agree that a relationship with the kids is independent from that

[Starfish 123]

I know this is an old post of yours but it is interesting to me. For me, it's the other way around. I have always been interested in my sisters children (now they are 19, 21, 23). I have remembered their birthdays and Christmas with presents and I enjoy them and am happy to see them and enjoy talking with them. I would extend myself for them - when they were little I was happy to play their childish board games with them etc and as teenagers have paid them to help me in the garden. However I have noticed that my sister never talks to my son on those rare occasions when we catch up (he is 12 now) and she doesn't remember his birthday or give him a Christmas present. Two years ago, she told me that she has always felt pressured to see him as special. However her children are special to me ! So yes, I feel very hurt by this. That hurt doesn't really go away. She was in my will as his guardian should my husband and I get killed, but when I opened my eyes and saw that she has zero interest in his wellbeing, I told her I wanted to change this and take her out of the will, and she said that was a great idea and she couldn't even remember that she was his guardian. We used to spend Christmases together (always at her place - never ever ever at my place) up until two years ago. I always invited her to have Christmas at mine, but she would communicate through my mother that she didn't want to come. However now I am happy not to see her and I am happy about not spending Christmases together since this blow-up 2 years ago. I want to be treated as an adult and have a little give and take and sharing and caring about each others families, not just feeling like I am fitting in with her. I feel like I will be happy not to see her again until my son is, say, 18 years old and a young adult. I think your comment to your sister that you are not interested in the photos she sends was incredibly hurtful and offensive. What is the point of being so blunt and mean ? It is true that I have always wanted my sister to be in my life, but she has always ended up hurting me, so now I have decided that it is better to not see her at all. I don't understand why she has no interest in being an Aunt, given that she only has one nephew. Why can't she open her heart to her only nephew and show some interest ? She just seems to be indifferent or purposedly not interested. Perhaps thats the way you feel Lucy-Lou. Yeah, I guess I have to say that I can't understand how or why you would feel so hardhearted about your niece. I guess it is my sister's loss, but at least now I have decided to put boundaries in place so that I stop getting hurt by her indifference. I also kind of feel that I want to protect my family from her indifference. Does that make sense ? I don't understand why you are so unkind to your sister. Was she a younger sister or something and you always found her to be a bit of a nuisance. Maybe she has always tried to get your approval and/or love and you find that irritating. Now I just think, my sister can go live her own life and I will live mine and we can crossover again at my mother's funeral. I am just glad that I was able to form a good relationship with my two nieces and one nephew. And you know, it is her loss if she doesn't give a rat's ar*e about her nephew.