My husband loves me but says i'm ugly

[Serendipity1607307077]

Thats so mean of him!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Maybe ask him what he finds attractive in a girl, and do your best to fit that role. Maybe he prefers a certain type of clothing, a certain type of walking, i don't know. Ask him. And see if there is anything you can change that he might find attractive.

 

Puss, You don't have to shape yourself to suit what he wants. You are you and why should you change for him? You are who you are, and if he doesn't like it, then perhaps he might need to recognise you for you, instead of paying more attention to some blonde tart.

[Mermaid]

Sorry, Ellie, but I think this is exactly the wrong advice to give her.

 

a) No one who is that cruel to someone can possibly love them. And 12 years of marriage is never an excuse to verbally annihilate someone, especially in such a way that it's going to cause longterm harm to her ego and sense of self-worth.

 

b) She should fix herself up for her--if that's what she so desires--AFTER she divorces him. That way, there's no chance of him perceiving it as a reward for his heinous behavior. Because he would, no matter what she said. And then he'd tear her down some more.

 

Uglypuss, if you're still even reading this thread, get out of that marriage, You're husband doesn't love you--I doubt he even loves himself. He's a terrible man who needs to fix what's broken in him before he can be married to you--or anyone else.

[OceanEyes]

 

a) No one who is that cruel to someone can possibly love them. And 12 years of marriage is never an excuse to verbally annihilate someone, especially in such a way that it's going to cause longterm harm to her ego and sense of self-worth.

 

b) She should fix herself up for her--if that's what she so desires--AFTER she divorces him. That way, there's no chance of him perceiving it as a reward for his heinous behavior. Because he would, no matter what she said. And then he'd tear her down some more.

 

Uglypuss, if you're still even reading this thread, get out of that marriage, You're husband doesn't love you--I doubt he even loves himself. He's a terrible man who needs to fix what's broken in him before he can be married to you--or anyone else.

 

I completely agree with Mermaid. There is no way that love means verbally battering and constantly crushing the spirit of your wife. His behaviour reminds me of a mixture of an adolescent brat and a classic narcissist. I wouldn't even want to stick around and wait for him to change. His criticism isn't at all constructive or considerate - he is an abusive piece of garbage who doesn't deserve any patience or understanding whatsoever, especially after this woman has spent 12 years with him. I see no love from this man whatsoever.

[uglypuss]

I feel i've not expressed myself very well so i'll try to clarify.

 

My husband doesn't spend his time abusing me. The question about my looks came up one time and he revealed that he didn't find me attractive, in fact never had, but it wasn't important and he loved me anyway.

 

I was shocked, surprised and hurt and bewildered.

 

This new truth has bothered me since. I've talked to him about it to find out what about me bothers him most and what if anything could be done to make me more attractive to him. As i said before, the problem is fairly fundamental and i feel i can't really do anything to improve matters.

 

Yes, he does eyeball and comment on girls. (he says it's a 'guy thing' but i'm sooo tired of that as an all-purpose excuse...). It seems to me that it's getting worse but it also occurred to me that it's possible that i might be just a bit hyper-sensitive to this right now. I don't think so, though. I think he really is developing more of an eye for the ladies.

 

I posted here because i'm not quite sure how to take this thing, how to interpret this new fact about our relationship.

 

Is it possible that he really loves me but just doesn't find me at all physically attractive? And that it's a non-issue to him? But if so, why all this ogling of others? Instead of saying something about the girl at the drugstore shouldn't he say something nice to/about me?

 

Is it possible that he really doesn't love me and that he keeps me around because.....i make him feel superior/he doesn't want to be alone/i'll always be there because, by god, no-one else will have me? I don't know.

 

Part of me thinks that i'm making a big deal about nothing, that looks aren't important. But at the same time i can't shake this bad feeling; I don't feel comfortable knowing that i'm unattractive to my own spouse. How do i get over this?

[Elliesonline]

Sorry to everyone if it seems I've given counter- productive advice. It would be easy to tell uglypuss to leave her husband and get a divorce, but she is in a MARRIAGE! When a person has commited to a serious matter as marriage, leaving the marriage to prove a point should not be the only option.

 

I somehow knew that her husband was not verbally abusive, and that his comment was one that was made off- hand. It seems to me that he hasn't commited infidelity or flirts with these women, and men do have the tendency to observe. I'm not condoning his actions, but after 12 long years of staring at uglypuss' supposedly unattractive face, and he hasn't left means that he truly is in love with her. He obviously can't live without her. You should let him know that his comment hurts you, though.

 

My boyfriend tells me that all his exgfs were much taller than me, and at first, I took it as an insult, but I realize now that it was an off- hand comment. Maybe I'll hold it against him when he proposes marriage to me, but for the time being, it's not worth breaking up over.

 

About the superiority issue: a man only feels superior when he is with a supermodel-esque type woman. But uglypuss, your husband did MARRY you, which means that although he may not find you physically attractive, he finds you a beautiful person. And if I were him, I would find you beautiful since you sound like such a genuinely good person.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

My husband of 12 years recently told me that i'm unattractive. Apparently, he's always found me unattractive. In fact wanted an unattractive partner so he wouldn't have to deal with the issues involved with pretty women ( ie. the interest of other men ).

 

What a lie!!!!!

 

Men go after what they find attractive. I would never date someone I don't find attractive.

 

Two problems:

 

1) He has the biggest problems. Let's assume that you've gained weight, or he finds you less attractive. But he has the audicity to tell you you're ugly? What BS!

 

2)Do you think you've become less attractive for any reason? When men/women don't find their lover atractive anymore they do have a valid point. But love should be above all this. If you do end up leaving him (which I would seriously consider, because I'm srue he has other issues). I say you get a makeover, workout, become a super model so that when you see him again you can tell him to kiss your tight ***.

 

good luck with this.

[hurtabandoned]

The abuse doesn't have to come in the form of out-right insults. The commenting on the other women in your prescence is just as big of a slap in the face. It is NOT a "guy thing" to make comments about other women in front of you or to be telling you how gorgeous his previous girlfriends were. Any husband that has any brains what-so-ever would know better than to do something like that. When you talked to him about the comments he should have apologized but instead he made excuses and he's still doing it. He's fully aware that it's bothering you, yet he does it anyway. Is that how love is nowadays?

The question about my looks came up one time and he revealed that he didn't find me attractive, in fact never had, but it wasn't important and he loved me anyway.

 

If looks weren't that important to him then why did he bring it up? He had to know that it would hurt you - so why say that if it wasn't a big deal to him. Even if you asked, why did he feel the need to point out all of your supposed flaws - he shouldn't have said something so cold. And he made enough comments to make a long list. I'm sorry, but if my husband said something that hateful to me I'd be giving him a list of stuff he could pack.

 

If you love someone, what they look like shouldn't matter. After all, we are all going to change in the course of our relationships. People get wrinkles, gray hair or go bald, and gravity happens. That's a part of life whether we like it or not.

 

If you really love someone you don't say things or do things to tear your partner down. Partner is the key word there. A husband or wife should want to protect their loved one from harm not inflict it.

[Mermaid]

My boyfriend tells me that all his exgfs were much taller than me, and at first, I took it as an insult, but I realize now that it was an off- hand comment. Maybe I'll hold it against him when he proposes marriage to me, but for the time being, it's not worth breaking up over.

 

When your boyfriend made an "off-hand" comment about your height in relation to that of his ex-girlfriends', he was making a factual statement; when uglypuss' husband tells her that she's not attractive, he's choosing to hurt her by informing her that, in his opinion, she's ugly.

 

It's not even close to being the same kind of situation. And the fact that she's married to this man doesn't mean that she is anymore obligated to take his verbal abuse than if they were still dating.

 

And I also don't agree that, because he stuck around 12 years, it means he truly is in love with her. Men who beat their wives also stick around until their wives ultimately leave (or die); surely you don't believe that's love, right?

 

Uglypuss, I mean no offense, but it sounds to me that you're rationalizing the situation so that it seems less offensive than it actually is.

 

Love is not supposed to be this way. My boyfriend tells me every day, more than once, that he thinks I'm the most beautiful creature he's ever seen. Don't you think you deserve the same kind of treatment??

 

A husband or wife should want to protect their loved one from harm not inflict it.

 

Exactly. If he loved you, Uglypuss, it would be his goal in life to keep you feeling safe, secure, and happy; the fact that he's the one making you feel the exact opposite says that what he calls "love," is not.

[Celadon]

Hi girlfriend,

 

Sounds like you've been having a tough time ... sorry to hear it.

 

Is it possible that he really loves me but just doesn't find me at all physically attractive? And that it's a non-issue to him? But if so, why all this ogling of others? Instead of saying something about the girl at the drugstore shouldn't he say something nice to/about me?

 

It's possible that he doesn't find you attractive, objectively speaking, and still loves you. However, the fact that he keeps commenting about women makes me suspect that "looks" have become something of an obsession to him. But it seems self-absorbed. I mean, what, is he that stunningly gorgeous himself?

 

I'm also curious as to whether he's addicted to porn and is currently walking around with some fantasy life in his head.

 

Yes, absolutely he should be saying nice things about you and to you. Aside from the whole "looks" issue, you should be feeling cherished by your husband for your other qualities. Think about whether you are or not.

 

Is it possible that he really doesn't love me and that he keeps me around because.....i make him feel superior/he doesn't want to be alone/i'll always be there because, by god, no-one else will have me? I don't know.

 

This is possible, sorry to say. Plenty of men hold onto a woman for their own security. It's up to you to figure if this is what he's doing. Paying careful attention to whether he takes you for granted or whether he makes special efforts to compliment you or take you out on dates, etc., (not for his sake but for yours) should give you the answer you're looking for.

 

Part of me thinks that i'm making a big deal about nothing, that looks aren't important. But at the same time i can't shake this bad feeling; I don't feel comfortable knowing that i'm unattractive to my own spouse. How do i get over this?

 

I don't think you should be the one to "get over" anything. The responsibility is clearly in your husband's court, whether he likes it or not. I don't think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. We all want to feel attractive to our partners, in looks, humor, personality, talents or whatever.

 

Sure, he may have made an out of hand remark to you, but I suspect something more than that is going on. So I hope you don't just wave this away and tell yourself to buck up. I don't think you'll be happy if you do, and I think you deserve to be treated well in the future.

 

Take care ...

[reborn]

 

Dear uglypuss,

Leave that bastard! He is not a nice person.A person that calls you ugly, and that looks at other girls doesn{t love you and doesn{t deserve your time. Nobody that loves a person sees them ugly. Get your self another man that accepts you as you are and tell him that you got your self a new man cuase he was more attractive to you than him.

[drahcir]

just tell your husband he should be thankful to even have you. Lots of people are single and are looking for boyfriend / girlfriends / husbands / wifes and can't find one (myself including in this category). Tell him to be thankful and appreciate you.

[kate111]

Ok then. What can be gathered from this thread is:

 

1. It may or may not be possible to love someone yet find them physically attractive.

 

2. We do not know whether the husband loves her or not.

 

(I am not acknowledging the third situation that could be occurring here where the husband finds uglypuss attractive but is lying to her. If this is the case then the guy is a screwball and should be escaped from as fast as possible).

 

If we have a situation where the husband doesn't find uglypuss attractive but is still in love with her then Uglypuss may or may not be able to cope with that.

 

But if we have a situation where the husband doesn't find Uglypuss attractive and doesn't love her (or his romantic interest is waning) then I would say that it is a trickier situation. It may mean divorce or a lot of soul searching to resusitate the marriage.

 

So then, the next step is discovering what kind of a situation we have here. You need to determine whether your boyfriend truly loves you or not.

 

Look closely at his behaviour. Does he consider your feelings? Does he do his fair share of the house work? Are you the one who always has to compromise about which movie to see or whatever? Does he say nice things to you?

 

Or does he take you for granted?

 

If you think his attentions may be lacking you may have to do some soul searching to put some excitement into the marriage and return his interest in you.

 

But first you have to read these clues and symptoms of his behaviour to determine the vital question of the degree of his love at this point.

[1899]

Wow, No wonder there are so many divorces in the world today. I cannot beleve the way some of you here comment on how she should just throw her hands up and just break off a 12 year marraige. Retaliate about his size? gimme a break! I expect this out of a 8 year old! Like thats going to magicly change him for the better! some of you are too old to be so imature about this! Marrage is somthing that bonds you. they are not dating. There are many concequences of a Divorce! its a serious issue people!!!!!

 

Anyway... Back to the issue, it seems like there has been some loss of respect here over time... It happens. I think this is a case where you need to both go to a marraige counselor. Dont just sit there thinking its going to go away because its not. Somone other than youself needs to let him know that just because hes not married to a 10 does not mean he should berate his Significant Other in public and that it is simply not acceptable. Its really no ones business how he feels about you. (in public) Whats next? Telling everyone how sex is no good? You two are together for life through thick and thin. He made his mind up to marry you so he must live with it. Obviusly your holding up your end of the deal.

 

Also, there may be some porn viewing going on there for him to be so into looks all of the sudden...It tends to unfairly set the bar higher for you (his wife) to acheve.

 

Also I think that you may have known about yourself being unattractive to him before you got into a marraige. Maybe you chose to ignore it?

[OceanEyes]

There are many concequences of a Divorce! its a serious issue people!!!!!

 

Let's examine the consequences of staying in an abusive and unhappy marriage:

 

1. Knowing, always knowing absolutely that your husband finds you unattractive, and finds most other women more attractive than you are. No marriage counselor can change what a person finds attractive. A counselor can help someone to deal with it (basically to live with it), but how can such comments be erased? Even after years of paying some stranger to help you do it?

 

2. Living with a man whose verbal abuse could escalate to other things.

 

3. Never feeling adequate. Never having any verbal reassurance that the person you're with is with you for the right reasons.

 

People get divorced all the time. And most of the couples I know who part and go their separate ways are happier and better people for it. Staying in a marriage that makes you feel like garbage most of the time will drive you to an early grave. If my mom hadn't of divorced her first husband who was severely abusive, she would never have met my father, who hasn't stopped loving and treating her like gold since they met. Talk to someone who has been divorced and remarried about whether or not they regret their decisions.

 

I think the consequences of staying in a marriage that isn't healthy are much greater than those from a divorce. Sometimes divorces are the best thing that can happen to a person, even if they don't know it at the time.

[Mermaid]

I absolutely back-up OceanEyes.

 

Yes, marriage is hard work--and no, people should not throw in the towel and file for divorce over matters that could be worked out. But this is a case of emotional abuse, plain and simple, and there is absolutely no reason for this woman to stay married to a man who makes her feel so small and insignificant.

 

As it is, she may not realize it now, but she's going to be affected by his words for a long time to come--even if she does get out of the marriage now. If she stays any longer, the damage to her psyche is only going to grow.

[Princess777]

Wow this is an amazingly horrible problem.... *hugs* to you. I too, am rendered almost speechless.

 

Honey, all I'm going to say that, for some unknown reason, this man does not love you, does not deserve you, and is probably already contemplating cheating on you, if he hasn't already. YOU are the one who could do better!!!!!! And if that's not reason enough to leave him, consider this: He is a COWARD and will not admit to you that he wants a divorce so he is trying to break your spirit and make you hate him enough to leave him. This way he gets out easy and I would never even consider this any type of twisted tactic to "keep" you. His actions are clearly indicating, sadly, that he is trying to get rid of you. At this moment in time, even if you were Miss America, he would still be Mr. Biggest Jerk in the World.

 

I am SO SORRY this is happening to you. Why torture yourself by staying where you are not wanted? And furthermore, why stay with someone who does not deserve your beautiful, loving self around him? You have a lot to offer the right person, and he is NOT him.

 

My advice is simply this: Order a do-it-yourself divorce kit online and you can get out of this for under $200.00. Don't say another word to him, don't "fix" yourself up right now or anything. I wouldn't advise any type of verbal or actual "revenge" as far as trying to hurt him back. As was said, "An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind", right?

 

Then after your divorce is final, make sure you are trying your personal best to look your drop-dead gorgeous best, NOT for him, but for YOU, (this is important) because you will need to do this in order to not fall into the believing "broken spirit" emotional trap after the trauma of your divorce and his horrible words, and make sure you get some professional counseling. The key to this portion of my advice is for YOU to HEAL and is no way giving credence to his words.... I don't want you to start believing what he said, and the way to ensure that is for you to personally know that you are doing the best you can every day to look your best. Who could possibly ask for more than that, right?

 

Later on down the road, if you feel up to it and ONLY if you think it will help you heal, doll yourself up and "accidentally" be in the same place as he is, at the local bar or wherever you know he'll be. Make sure you're with friends for support and you'll feel 10 times better. You don't have to say another word to him. This is not revenge, it will be a confidence booster, which you will most likely want later on.

 

I wish you the best of luck, Dear. Come here for support whenever you need it.

[Elliesonline]

Mermaid wrote:

When your boyfriend made an "off-hand" comment about your height in relation to that of his ex-girlfriends', he was making a factual statement; when uglypuss' husband tells her that she's not attractive, he's choosing to hurt her by informing her that, in his opinion, she's ugly.

 

It's not even close to being the same kind of situation. And the fact that she's married to this man doesn't mean that she is anymore obligated to take his verbal abuse than if they were still dating.

 

Although we're talking about uglypuss' problem, I need to clarify that this is almost the same situation as mine. My boyfriend and I were having an argument, and he said, "My exgfs were taller [and thinner than you]." It was a really low blow, considering he's knows I'm sensitive about being short (I'm only 5'2"). It is never right to compare a gf to an exgf, whether it is positive or not positive. It could be taken as verbal abuse, and I could have left him at that moment, but we have gotten past it because he tells me he loves me on a daily basis.

 

I suppose it is really up to uglypuss to leave her marriage. I'm just saying that she should put a lot of thought into it, if she's even considering this.

[Mermaid]

Mermaid wrote:

When your boyfriend made an "off-hand" comment about your height in relation to that of his ex-girlfriends', he was making a factual statement; when uglypuss' husband tells her that she's not attractive, he's choosing to hurt her by informing her that, in his opinion, she's ugly.

 

It's not even close to being the same kind of situation. And the fact that she's married to this man doesn't mean that she is anymore obligated to take his verbal abuse than if they were still dating.

 

Although we're talking about uglypuss' problem, I need to clarify that this is almost the same situation as mine. My boyfriend and I were having an argument, and he said, "My exgfs were taller [and thinner than you]." It was a really low blow, considering he's knows I'm sensitive about being short (I'm only 5'2"). It is never right to compare a gf to an exgf, whether it is positive or not positive. It could be taken as verbal abuse, and I could have left him at that moment, but we have gotten past it because he tells me he loves me on a daily basis.

 

I suppose it is really up to uglypuss to leave her marriage. I'm just saying that she should put a lot of thought into it, if she's even considering this.

 

Well, let's agree to disagree because, to me, it still doesn't sound like the same situation. The bit about his exes being thinner was low, but did he actually imply that it made you less attractive?

[1899]

BUT, HE COULD CHANGE for the better if they sat before a counseler. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this to see what really is the problem. Theres somthing wrong below the surface. Maybe he needs a reality check! Maybe he dosent know how much of a jerk he is being? Maybe he IS cheating.. You dont know, This is serious, but the big D word should not be the first thing to come out of your mouth.

(Biblically the only grounds for divorce is Adultry for those of you who care.)

[Mun]

This topic has received some very passionate responses. Obviously, the situation hits close to the heart.

 

It would be interesting to see what the original poster has decided to do.

 

Where are you girl?

[Princess777]

I too would like to hear from the original poster. She is most likely contemplating everything that has been thrown her way. I hope we didn't run her off!

 

While I agree that not every little problem warrants a divorce and a marriage is sacred, her husband has gone overboard with his comments and actions. This woman will never be able to actually believe that her husband finds her attractive ever again, no matter what counseling she goes to and no matter what HIS problem is. Her best bet is to set personal boundaries (one being to separate herself from verbal abuse) in order to keep her sanity and her dignity, and her self esteem intact. This man has permanently damaged the integrity of their relationship, which is key to keep a marriage together. If there is no chemistry or attraction, the marriage will fail anyway.

 

I say she should cut her losses now and get out. And regarding divorce and the Bible, it is certainly a wonderful guide for life, but I believe parts of it were written and interpreted many times by people who were subjected to dysfunction, just like us. No one is worthy to "judge" others and no one is better than anyone else, we can only control how we react to situations. I think a lot of times people take what the Bible says too literally and don't realize what was really trying to be conveyed.

[OceanEyes]

I say she should cut her losses now and get out. And regarding divorce and the Bible, it is certainly a wonderful guide for life, but I believe parts of it were written and interpreted many times by people who were subjected to dysfunction, just like us. No one is worthy to "judge" others and no one is better than anyone else, we can only control how we react to situations. I think a lot of times people take what the Bible says too literally and don't realize what was really trying to be conveyed.

 

Thank you. I couldn't agree more. Also, I find many 'laws' in the Bible to be very contradictory and be very misogynistic at times.

[Mermaid]

Same here, Princess and OceanEyes. And because I'm an agnostic with Buddhist leanings, I'll keep quiet on the issue of the Bible so as not to say anything that may offend.

 

 

[OceanEyes]

And because I'm an agnostic with Buddhist leanings

 

So am I. Well, minus the Buddhist learnings, although I've been very interested and will probably look into it more in depth.

[Mermaid]

And because I'm an agnostic with Buddhist leanings

 

So am I. Well, minus the Buddhist learnings, although I've been very interested and will probably look into it more in depth.

 

Oh, cool! If you're interested in Buddhism as a philosophy (as it was intended to be) as opposed to a religion--check out the book "Buddhism Without Beliefs." It's an excellent starting point.