Klokwurk Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Hey guys, So my really intense crazy relationship of 3 and a half years ended three months ago, and I have been no contact for 5 weeks. During the contact period, she moved out, but i still drove out to sleep with her a lot, take care of her when she was sick, even though I knew she had slept with at least two other guys since the break up. That ended when she told me she was going to BE LIVING at this guys place until she had to leave the country. She is a foreign national. Oh, and we got married so she could live here too. I think I am over her... I don't know... The last time we spoke it went pretty bad, she said she never really loved me (this was right after she had been staying at that guys house for a few days, so I imagine all that new sex was changing history in her brain), and that she never wanted to speak to me again after I caught her in a contradiction in her story which proved that she lied about having slept with only one person, when I knew it had been two. Said she never wanted me in her life ever again, and if we were to ever speak again it would only be about the divorce. Well, she did call me a few times over the last few weeks, and sent me a cold but cordial email asking me to call her, and I responded with an equally cold email... But what I really want to do is email saying, "I hope you are well." or something very basic along those lines. She hoped I was well in her email, but I did not return the favor... I don't know guys, I just feel like I dont want to leave a bad taste in her memory about me, that I am not strong enough even to say something so basic as "hope you are well" in an email to the girl I married and did indeed (ugh, still do) love for 3 years. Please help. Link to comment
Imthatguy Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Don't contact her, you'll gain nothing from it. There's a reason everyone pushes for NC around here. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Give it some space. Too little time has passed right now and emotions on both sides still seem raw. if, even after all that has happened you want to contact her in a few months when you feel stronger, go ahead. but right now it won't help anything. Let things col down. Link to comment
april15 Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 One email will not change the way someone feels about you. Write the email. Don't send it. Look at it in 3 months. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 I contacted my ex of 8 months a few weeks ago via e-mail. I recieved a very cold response witch basically said "Busy, sorry". That said I am completely over her, I just wanted to say hi. Don't expect very much more than that. I got what I wanted in that I know she's at least moving on. Link to comment
Mr Man Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Hello mate, sorry to hear about your loss. See, the thing is, as hard and painful as it is to accept, she is a different person now; She isn't the woman you once knew who loved you, her emotions changed which means she has changed. I understand what you are saying about not wanting her to 'leave a bad taste in her memory' about you, but there is no guarantee words will change that. If you send her an e-mail, it should have one central purpose - closure. Closure for your healing. Keep it brief. Maybe apologise if you have wronged her, but don't over-do it. Give her a few compliments, but again, don't over-do it. Before you write the e-mail, spend some time rationalising why not being with her is a POSITIVE thing for YOU. Rationalise to yourself (don't lie to yourself) why you don't want her and why you never want to be with her again - really feel it. Then write the email. You shouldn't be out-right saying 'I don't want you and never will again', it's too manufactured and fake. You need to feel it and express the aura of your realisation in truth - it will provide closure. Commit to never contacting or interacting with her ever again in your life and feel comfortable with it. If she tries to contact you afterwards, do not respond. Prepare yourself for the possibility that she could (but probably won't) beg for you to come back - prepare for reacting in the right way and that way is to not respond and to keep moving on, no matter what she says - doing this conditions yourself for complete closure; you know the relationship is totally dead becuase you won't go back to her no matter what she says/ does. Yes, you'll still love her; yes, you'll still miss her; yes, you'll still feel down and be thinking about her for a while - but, from an objective and pragmatic point of view, your final interaction is dignified, becoming, healthy and useful. Link to comment
arwen Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 I wouldn't do it. I don't think the reason you want to contact her is just so you want to leave a better memory. It's also because you want her to say something nice to you, so you feel better about this. I think you risk feeling just more coldness and even rejection. Based on what you describe, it seems to me that she took advantage of you after the breakup, sleeping with you whenever she pleased, and sleeping with others as well. I think you deserve better. Do yourself a favor, and don't contact her. It's hard in the beginning, but you'll gain your own power back. Link to comment
Klokwurk Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 Thank you guys... Every post meant a lot to me... I will not say or write anything... Peace all. Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I really want to contact my ex today too To make things worse I've dreamt about him the last two nights... But I'm trying to stay strong. I love him soooo much it's hard to understand that he does not love me anymore Every time he texted I replied and guess what happened afterwards? He never wrote back. And that hurts even more, because you're left hanging and waiting, begging for a text. And if you think about it that's cruel on their part and pathetic for us. Link to comment
Klokwurk Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 She called again today... Ugh... It was 3AM where she is when she called me... Why would she be calling me so late?... God, I hate worrying about her... I love her so much... I want to respond so bad.... She didn't leave a message though, so i guessnit wasn't that important... Ugh, I hate this balance act of ego and emotions. Stupid games, just like when we were together. Ugh. Link to comment
Klokwurk Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 Also, thank you again everyone. Talking here has been an invaluable aide to my recovery. No more psychotic agony! No more binge drinking! No more punching walls and breaking knuckles! And this is how I KNOW I am almost fully recovered: since the break up, I lost the ability to parallel park awesomely like I always do. Tonight I parallel parked in ONE SMOOTH SHOT like I used to do! Hahahaha, it felt so good. Love to all. Link to comment
Klokwurk Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Ok guys, I need my ena buddies again!!! She sent me an email saying last week saying, "We need to talk about the divorce, when can I call you?" I didn't respond, then this Monday she calls my house and my phone from a withheld number (meaning she was using skype) then called a few times from her house phone. She even talked to my mom and asked some stuff about me. (she and my mom are not on the greatest of terms.) Then she sent a text saying, "listen, we need to talk, would you please give me a call or send me a text at (her number) I'll call you back." I responded with, "hi. I received your email and don't think it would be a good idea to discuss that over the phone. I am working on it. Send me an email if you have further questions." Omg THEN she replied, "I'm not very comfortable with that, I mean it's good you are working on it, but I don't understand why you won't talk with me. I really want to talk to you, you won't have to deal with me for much longer you can at least give me that." What sort of games is she playing? I said, "I am working all day, I will let you know when you can call me soon." and that was that... that was Monday. I don't think I am gonna follow through with that... She just hurt me too much... And I know she can still hurt me. She is being a child, right? Spoiled, etc? Link to comment
Klokwurk Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 I sort of want to text her, "what do you want to talk about on the phone? I don't see the benefit for either of us." Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Stay strong Klokwurk!! It is normal to miss her, you are human and spent significant time with her... I wish I could offer better advice, but I feel like I might cave in today myself... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 What do you need to talk about? Can it be done over email? If so, just do it over email. She's not worth talking to. Link to comment
Klokwurk Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Ty Rubywoo and Ms Darcy. That really helped. Anyone else wanna throw in their two cents? Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 And this is how I KNOW I am almost fully recovered: since the break up, I lost the ability to parallel park awesomely like I always do. Tonight I parallel parked in ONE SMOOTH SHOT like I used to do! Hahahaha, it felt so good. Damn, I still can't do this. Good luck, guy. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Do you have legalities to sort out (divorce) or is it pretty cut and dried as far as possessions and bills and such? If there's not much to sort, I'd maybe communicate that, "I honestly don't see what there is to discuss, we had little together and we've already separated our items out. If there's anything I've missed, you can email me with information. Thanks." If there might be stuff to sort - you can always just request it's in writing for both your benefit. "I understand we still have some bits and pieces to sort, but being legal bits and pieces, I'd like to keep everything written. Email me a list of what you feel we need to sort out, and I'll email you back my proposed split/solution. Feel free to amend or suggest alternatives at that point via email. Appreciate you handling this civilly, thanks." I can't think of any reason it would have to be a conversation that would allow emotion and personal interaction to get involved and set you back. Link to comment
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