Why can't I completely let this cheater go.

[symbiot]

I'm wondering how many of us here have been cheated on and still couldn't completely get over their ex. I'm 8 mos post BU and I'm doing pretty well. I do have some down times but not too too bad anymore. I do miss a lot of things about her and I miss doing things with her. She was the best friend I'd ever had. We were together for 3 yrs. I came home early one day and she was in her room with another guy. I knew in my gut that it was probably happening. A few days later she let me come over to talk with her and I hugged her and kissed her when I left. The next day I went back and she was stone cold. From that point I did all the stupid classic begging, pleading,crying,txting,emails. I begged her to take me back. ( ridiculous ! She cheated on me and I was the one begging to be taken back ) sometimes I'd beg her to tell me to leave her alone or tell me she didn't love me anymore or tell me she hated me. Nothing! I did this for about three wks maybe four. I found this place looking up how to win your ex back on the web. I went NC for that and also because it said it would help me heal and I figured that even if I did all the " right " things to get her back and it didn't work at least I'd feel better. After about three months I contacted her. She responded this time and was friendly enough. I wasn't healded yet and I got a little down in our convo and told her that I missed her and had hoped she missed me too and would want to see me. ( this contact was all emails or txts) I ended up telling her I should have left her alone and I apologized. About a wk later I sent her a txt and asked her if I were to call her would she pick up to which she responded " what do you Need" twice in five mins. I didn't respond. About a month later I mailed some stuff to her and I have not had any contact with her since. That was about four mos ago. Here is more of my story if you are interested

Anyway my question is this. I'm doing pretty darn good now but I know that there is a small part way down inside that still loves her and wants to be with her. But why? Why do I want to be with someone like that? I can actually see myself being in love with someone new now and that excites me. ( I'm taking a full year from the breakup Feb of this year to heal and work on myself and so I don't use someone as a rebound or just sex) but I know that way down inside some part of me wants her back. Not a big part but a part no less. It actually makes me angry with myself. I know that I still feel love for her but that fades a little more with each passing moon. Why? Does anyone else feel like this? I know some will say focus on all the bad parts of our relationship but we only had maybe 3-4 ( I guess you could say) fights. In three yrs. We did everything together.I'm not waiting for her to contact me and I will never contact her. I just understand where this crap is coming from.

[meoww]

I'm sure there are good reasons why you still care. Partly because it's a bit of a * * * * * to look for new partners, partly because you really loved her, partly because we tend to compartmentalize. If I were you, I'd keep fighting the desire to put your ex up on a pedestal. I think it's the mind's way of protecting ourselves from very deep hurt, we're only able come to terms with reality over time. I think cheating is one of those things that separates the wheat from the chaff--it's hard to know what someone's true character is until it's too late. Moreover, we can imagine the cheaters being loving and faithful partners, so we can't help but wonder why didn't they choose that with us. I'm sure some cheaters are capable of becoming better people but in your case (and mine) the damage has already been done. It's like the mental equivalent of a car crash or something, it's traumatizing and there is no way to undo the whiplash and injury. Just as in car crashes there are a number of contributing factors of which you may be one, at the same time, it's mostly just bad luck. I think the chronic pain is just something you have to learn to live with, until you fully heal or find someone new to love. You've probably made it through the worst, it's only going to get better from here.

[John3572]

Cheating doesn't mean that someone doesn't love their partner. It means that there is something in someone else that the cheater is seeking. It could be anything. Not just sex. Someone having a problem with infidelity doesn't make them a bad person. It may just make them a bad person for you.

 

Disclaimer: I am not condoning infidelity. My post is just my opinion on it(which may or not be worth .2...lol).

[forlackof]

I'm in the same boat as you. Except I was not physically cheated, just emotionally cheated on (to my knowledge). I don't know which is better, not that is there a better. It's the second time I was emotionally cheated on (the other girl(s) never reciprocated his feelings for him to make a physical move).

 

For a while after the breakup, I wanted the ex back. I did not beg/plead but I argued my case and stated that I still loved him, etc. But then I found this forum, and I realized that I was not respecting myself. Sure I read through the "how to get your ex back" but I realized that I don't need my ex back, I need myself back.

 

If someone clearly disrespects you by cheating on you whether physically or emotionally, you need to distance yourself, and ask yourself, what do I deserve. NO one deserves to be treated like that. And you probably need to ask yourself, are you just hanging on to past memories? I know that I was doing that--Sure I loved my ex, but my ex clearly showed with actions that he was no longer the person that I loved and once knew. Why love a past version of someone that no longer exists?

 

This quote that I got off ENA really helped me see the light: Don't make someone a priority who is treating you like you are merely an option.

[symbiot]

Yea I try not to put her on a pedestal. She was pretty,smart and young but she is a cheater. She doesn't know how to stand up for herself,she doesn't communicate well at all, she passive aggressive. I just don't understand why some small part of me still wants to be with her. I really makes me mad at myself. I know I'm over the worst part. I'm becoming the man I always wanted to be now. I work out like a mad man, I go out and socialize, I play my sax,I read read read,I meditate, I eat well. I'm doin pretty well. Sometimes I want to reach out to her a little bit because I know that if she wanted to contact me it would take a miracle because of the attributes I mentioned. But I don't because she cheated on me. I'm not going back to a cheater.

[Mesemene]

I sometimes think about it like that pair of jeans that fit sooooo well when I was 16 - and don't want to give to Goodwill.

 

I'm attached to them, they have good memories, and even though they no longer fit properly, there's still sentiment there and the comfort associated with when they were my best fitting, best loved pair. It doesn't mean they don't eventually go to someone who can use 'em, it just takes a while for me to really let go without necessarily valuing what they once were any less.

[meoww]

Cheating doesn't mean that someone doesn't love their partner. It means that there is something in someone else that the cheater is seeking. It could be anything. Not just sex. Someone having a problem with infidelity doesn't make them a bad person. It may just make them a bad person for you.

 

Disclaimer: I am not condoning infidelity. My post is just my opinion on it(which may or not be worth .2...lol).

 

good point--I really agree with this. my wheat from the chaff comment had more to do with the way cheaters think it's appropriate to solve problems, their lack of communication skills, and maybe even a little lack of empathy. This is precisely why this person isn't a good person for you. It sounds like your girlfriend didn't want to be with you and took a pretty cowardly way out, I can relate! I had a very intense relationship with someone who I thought would at least have the decency to be upfront with me when he wanted to leave. From that experience I learned that there were many indications this was going to happen that I tried to ignore (pretty unsuccessfully, it ended up driving me crazy with doubt and paranoia). I also learned that when power imbalances develop in the relationship, anything can happen. If you're aware of the lead up to the cheating and have improved certain aspects of yourself that may have contributed to the demise of the relationship, I think it bodes very positively for your next relationship.

 

My feelings of grief were prolonged because I made some very real mistakes in that relationship--maybe you're feeling the same way.

[symbiot]

Cheating doesn't mean that someone doesn't love their partner. It means that there is something in someone else that the cheater is seeking. It could be anything. Not just sex. Someone having a problem with infidelity doesn't make them a bad person. It may just make them a bad person for you.

 

Disclaimer: I am not condoning infidelity. My post is just my opinion on it(which may or not be worth .2...lol).

I'm not trying to figure out why she cheated. I think it's mostly immaturity. She's young.23 and by the way my first gf was 25 yrs older and my s/ o before her was 5 yrs younger than me. But this girl and I were just awesome together. Everyone knew we were going to get married,everyone said they thought we were awesome together,made for each other. I'm almost over the whole thing and even grateful for the time I had with her and grateful for the crap that happened because of who I am now. I'm just mad at myself for still having some stupid love feelings for her after what she did.

[Staple]

I still cared about my ex man. It sucks that you actually came home and saw her in the room with another guy. That would've killed me to see that. But yeah, my ex cheated on me and really broke my heart. And it took me a year to get over her. So it takes time. Best solution is to find someone new.

[symbiot]

Yea im looking forward to being with a woman again. If someone I liked asked me out I'd probably say yes. But unless that happens I'm probably going ton wait until next year to consider asking anyone out. Infant to work on myself some more. I'm not perfect but I am one helluva good man and with this experience and as the years go by I just keep getting better.

[Carus]

Atta Boy Sym*

 

It's good to hear you talk like that.....

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[John3572]

You still have feelings for her because our hearts have no logic. It's okay.