Am I wasting my time, or are we "normal"?

[fiona1985]

My fiance seems to have thrown in the towel in the effort and romance department. He was never one for romantic gestures, but really it's gotten to the point where it feels like we are friends. Some background, he is 37, I am 26. It will be 2 years in January. We were talking and hanging out for a year prior as "friends". We got engaged in July. We bought a house together in August.

 

The entire relationship is completely one sided. I put in all the effort. Anything we do recreationally is of his choosing. I always say yes. Even if it's something I don't want to do, I'm willing to give it a try because what's important to him is important to me and in the end I just want to spend time together (Although resentment for his selfishness has begun to build and that is changing drastically). I've been trying unsuccessfully to get the guy to go bowling with me for THREE DAMN YEARS. that's just one example on a long list.

 

If we are watching tv, he always has the remote and we watch what he wants. Even if I dont like the show, i'll stay just to spend time with him. When the roles are reversed and I'm already in a room watching one of my shows, he will go in the other room and watch one of his. He has NEVER sat and watched a show he wasnt interested in just to spend time with me.

 

Anytime his family invite us over, I always say yes immediately. There's never any question. Now I love his parents and have never been one to keep score, but he turns me down SO OFTEN when it comes to doing anything with my family. It just seems so wrong and lop sided. I have stopped even inviting him, because i'm sick of the rejection. By the way, we both get along with each others family famously-- no issue there!

 

Here is one of the biggest pet peeves (SO SELFISH!!). he REFUSES to commit to any kind of plans in advance. it's so bad and has actually begun to depress me severely because I never have any kind of plans to look forward to on the weekend. I can't even ask him on monday morning if we can meet for dinner after work on monday evening. The answer is ALWAYS "i dont know" or "maybe". then he never brings it up again for the rest of the day. Same goes for asking about any kind of plans for later in the week. On weekends, we literally wake up and have no idea what we're doing EVER without fail. We usually get in his truck and drive aimlessly until the mood to do something strikes him. He says he's spontaneous, but give me a * * * * ing break-- it's just down right selfish!!

 

i've been telling him for months that I need a vacation. on two occasions, his parents have offered one to us. the first time they had their time share booked and wouldnt be able to make it. so either we were going to use it or it would get wasted. when he told me about it i got SO EXCITED and said id love to go, for sure! a couple days went by, i asked about it, he said he hasnt called them yet. i remind him a few days later, still nothing. finally i give up and stop pushing because i start to feel like a nag. he never took the time to follow up with his parents and tell them yes. he knew how happy it would have made me, but just didnt care. this is why i say my happiness means nothing to him. second occasion was similar, you get the idea.

 

 

There are so many other examples. He doesn't make me feel pretty like boyfriends prior to him did. never ever compliments me on anything. i dont remember the last time he gave me a compliment. sometimes i'll go out of my way to buy a new outfit for the weekend and get my nails done, etc and he won't say A THING!! He makes me feel like a convenient option rather than a cherished loved one.

 

there are other issues as well. we hardly talk. he is so closed off. he doesnt ask about my day, really never asks ANY questions at all. it's like we've been living two different lives for a while now. I don't remember the last time we had a conversation that lasted more than 10 minutes. I am inquisitive about his day and life but i always get shut down and one word answers. there is no communication at all. and we live together and own a house together!

 

 

The engagement was extremely unromantic & took no thought what so ever. I saw a ring I liked and told him about it. He went that day to get it and came home late that night wearing it around his neck on a necklace. He waited for me to notice it. When I did, he asked me to marry him. Didn't get down on a knee, didn't seem emotional and actually got up off the couch to go pee while I was still freaking out. Maybe i'm being too critical about this specific issue, but it just grinds my gears because it goes with the NO * * * * ING EFFORT THEME.

 

I can't remember one time where he has surprised me or done anything romantic or said "honey, what would YOU like to do today"? or made me feel like he just wanted to be with ME.

 

Any advice on if this relationship is dead or if im just being a whiny bratt??

[Bunney]

I don't really know what advice to give other than that you have to sit him down and tell him how all of this makes you feel. And if he doesn't change (which is very likely), you should leave unless you want to be in a miserable marriage.

 

I'm surprised that you've put up with this for so long now - I can hardly stand a day of feeling unappreciated/unloved lol.

 

How was he at the beginning of your relationship? When did he start being this way?

[fiona1985]

At the beginning he was better, but no romeo! as far as making him aware of my feelings, been there done that 100 times. he used to say he would change, but nothing ever has. now he gets mad when i even bring it up and has a new thing where he's like "you're perfect, you're an angel, and I'm just a horrible boyfriend." SARCASTICALLY. immaturely. so it seems it will never change and has gotten to the point where i'm just mocked for asking for it to change. in one ear out the other. as far as how i have lasted so long. i dont know. good freaking question. because feeling unappreciated really is a terrible thing!

[Smile12]

Ew. I don't know any woman that would tolerate a guy like that. I'm sorry, but I don't see a bright future for you two.

[Lester]

Print your post and give it to him. *

 

You two don't sound compatible. Break it off.

 

 

*DN, somewhere here today.

[Rose30]

Unfortunately it seems like you've created a monster. He refuses to make any plans with your family, in turn you accept all invitations to go see his family, he refuses to watch a tv show with you, you sit through all his tv shows just to be with him and so on. Why would he put any effort in to the relationship when you have made everything so easy and convenient for him?

 

Most men repsond to action rather than words, if you want to see if he will change or not you need to change your behaviour first. Kind of like monkey see, monkey do. It has nothing to do with playing games, it has to do with making yourself a priority instead of always letting him come first. You need a vacation? GO ON A VACATION WITHOUT HIM. Take a girlfriend, sister, mom, someone or even alone and go somewhere for the weekend or 3-4 days. Let him miss you and see what it is to be without you. He won't come to see your parents? Stop doing what he wants to do all the time, even if it means spending less time with him. Don't give him any attitude or be mean, just make your own plans without waiting around for him, if you want to go bowling, go bowling and then come home and tell him about what a wonderful time you had. If he is watching his show which you don't enjoy go into the other room and start reading a good book or watching a movie you like.

 

The fact that you are so available and so agreeable is making him not appreciate you at all. Change your attitude and see if his attitude will change or not. If not then you obviously have an important decision to make.

 

Good luck

[kaibutsu]

It may not be that you're wasting time, but that you gave in too much and let go of the things you wanted and needed. That's easy to do when you want to make someone happy and are in love with them. Just don't lose yourself in the process.

[fiona1985]

Rose, your advice is spot on with this crazy book i'm reading called "why men love * * * * * es". i say it's crazy not because it isn't any good, but more so because I would usually not read something with such a drastic title--lol. but you've made a lot of good points that are similar to what i've been reading. i will try this approach (i've already kind of started). i was stand offish and self occupied last night and he kept asking "is everything okay"? and checking on me in the other room every hour or so lol. these are things he never does. it felt good, but at the same time i cant help but think it does feel like playing a game and i'm too old and aware for games. plus they can be exhausting. but i suppose im willing to try anything that will work, because i obviously do love him. and the one thing he does do is tell me he loves me-- constantly. but actions speak louder than words .

[fiona1985]

I have undoubtely given too much and let go of things i wanted and needed. i am guilty of this in every relationship i've ever been in. if i love you, you can have my sun and my moon. maybe i need to work on having beter boundaries and more self respect.

[fiona1985]

Also I need to ad. I am kind of scared to start making myself a priority and taking the advice of you and the book because then what if what he loved about me was how selfless and thoughtful i am? I'm worried he'll start to see me as a selfish bratt instead of the sweet girl he fell in love with and then distance himself from me even further.

[kaibutsu]

Also I need to ad. I am kind of scared to start making myself a priority and taking the advice of you and the book because then what if what he loved about me was how selfless and thoughtful i am? I'm worried he'll start to see me as a selfish bratt instead of the sweet girl he fell in love with and then distance himself from me even further.

 

Well it does seem to be working. Were it me on his shoes, I would be overjoyed to have someone love me and treat me that well, but some guys do really like...well, sometimes that book is accurate, and I don't understand why. It does seem like a game, doesn't it? It's sad and a little frustrating that things seem like they have to be so much work most of the time.

[trezeralietas]

You definitely need to set up your boundaries...and not to play a game. You need to respect and care about yourself. If you do, he and others will follow suit.

[Rose30]

I read that book and also why men marry bi---s and I found it soo helpful. It's not about playing games at all, watching a movie you like, reading a book you like, making plans with your friends, even going on a mini vacation isn't playing a game, its taking care of yourself and making sure you have your own life and you're not depending on him 100% for your happiness. Relationships are about give and take, not just give give or take take, so if you watch bunch of his favourite tv shows with him nothing wrong with expecting he watches one with you, thats what a relationship is

 

I know the advise in the book is hard to follow but I think when it is followed its effective. keep me posted

[SpottiOtti]

Fiona,

 

You give more than is reasonable in a relationship, and seem to give also with the expectation that all of the outrageous sacrifices you make will be reciprocated, then are resentful when they are not. Most people do not sacrifice themselves in a relationship to the extent that you do. I do not say this in a hurtful way; I understand why you do what you do. It's easy when you love someone, and it took me some time to figure this stuff out too.

 

Rose gave you great advice. I would listen to it if I were you.

 

Good luck,

Spotti