Tomuch2hope Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Forgive me if this comes accross as a little imature or silly, but whats the point of the No Contact rule. Doesn't just seem like two people digging their keels in, while at the same time waiting for the other person to break? But the other person will never break because they want to show how much stronger they are! I'm confused Link to comment
Eocsor Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 No contact isn't a method to get your ex back, it's to heal yourself. A by product of that may be that they miss you and reconsider the breakup, but you could well be waiting forever for that to happen. Use it to get better, not to get an ex back. Link to comment
Betweenthebars Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 If someone broke your heart, and they still wanted to talk constantly but never wanted to be with you again, what would help you heal faster - no contact, or being around them all the time? NC helps people put distance on things, which can open your eyes to how your relationship was. Some people, for example, are emotionally abused but don't see that until they get the distance NC brings. It can be used as a way to give the other person time to miss you and want you again, but if that isn't the case, it allows the healing process to go more smoothly and quickly. Link to comment
UniqueSoul Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 i dont think that NC works well in a relationship you are trying to salvage. In my opinion i think that the couple should face heads on all the bad times and try to work on forgiving each other in the working relationship. from experience...whenever ive had NC things just got really awkward and there was a lot of energy wasted. if you dont want to be with someone..end it. if you want to work on something..work on it in the relationship Link to comment
Moontiger Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 As other have said is to help a person heal after a break up. It was the only way I could get over my ex. If you use it to try and get your ex back then usually it will back fire on you. Link to comment
EgoJoe Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 I echo the sentiments of the other people to reply but am mostly posting to say that I like Moontiger's quote. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 i dont think that NC works well in a relationship you are trying to salvage. In my opinion i think that the couple should face heads on all the bad times and try to work on forgiving each other in the working relationship. from experience...whenever ive had NC things just got really awkward and there was a lot of energy wasted. if you dont want to be with someone..end it. if you want to work on something..work on it in the relationship i agree with this all the time you're trying not to text, call, whatver, it just makes the urges stronger...i gave into those urges today as i just couldn't take it anymore..i've spoke to my ex and we're meeting up, if i had held out any longer i might not of got the chance x Link to comment
CMS Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Read this thread by the awesome CrapAtNC, should answer all questions about NC Link to comment
Aqua066 Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Good luck loulou!!! Tell us how it goes! Link to comment
UniqueSoul Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Good luck loulou!!! Tell us how it goes! yes, good luck! Link to comment
thejigsup Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Okay, I've been on both sides of the issue and when I was the dumper, it taught me what NOT to do if someone broke up with me. When I break up with someone and they contact me, I see them as weak, needy, and not respecting my wishes. It does NOT make my heart grow fonder, believe me. My friends and I would laugh when a guy we broke up with contacted us when we were out together. "How lame is this guy?" or "Can't he take a d*amn hint, is he that stupid?" were usually what was said. When I am done with someone I am done with them and I DON'T want to hear from them, ever. I am sure this is true for most dumpers. Keep silent and keep your dignity. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Good luck loulou!!! Tell us how it goes! aww thank you, that was sweet of you x Link to comment
loulou37 Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 yes, good luck! thank you hunny x Link to comment
Tomuch2hope Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 Thanks everyone for your answers. I only ask because its quite clear from reading the posts here that not everyone breaks up for the same reasons. Some have broken up because they need to move city for work or college. Sometimes the reasons given for the break up can be resolved but if both parties are unwilling to make contact then both can just lose out (or maybe I'm just a big romantic fool). Oh and good luck loulou Link to comment
Betweenthebars Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 A lot of times one party is trying to go NC while the other tries to keep contact. It's not always both going NC.but yes many issues that cause break ups could be resolved with work, but I think break ups should be a last resort - put in the effort beforehand, then break up if need be. Not break up, then put in effort. Link to comment
Tomuch2hope Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 A lot of times one party is trying to go NC while the other tries to keep contact. It's not always both going NC.but yes many issues that cause break ups could be resolved with work, but I think break ups should be a last resort - put in the effort beforehand, then break up if need be. Not break up, then put in effort. But often, in that case one party doesn't see the break up coming until it hits them like a train. Then all the effort in the world is too little to late. Link to comment
Betweenthebars Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Yes that happens - I was saying both people, including potential dumper, shouldn't just break up - just because it's easy doesn't mean it should be done. If someone is unhappy and they are unhappy with an issue that can be fixed, then they should put in the effort first. Hence putting in effort, then maybe breaking up, not break up then put in effort. If someone breaks up with you out of nowhere, because they are unwilling to communicate in a relationship, but then they decide they screwed up and then begin to put in effort afterwards, my opinion is they don't deserve you. They gave up without even trying. And that's when NC comes in handy, to help ease people's pain and help them move on. Link to comment
Tomuch2hope Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 But what if one side didn't even know there was a problem? Link to comment
Mesemene Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Part of the problem is, when one person initiates a breakup - unless it's really impulsive, they didn't just decide to break up at that moment - they've been thinking about it for a while, while the other person is often oblivious. Oh sure, you might see things aren't as great as they were, but you don't see any huge "DANGER DANGER BREAKUP ZONE AHEAD!" signs. So you've got a lack of balance - one person has been going through the letting go process while deciding a breakup is the only answer - the other doesn't even see it in the forecast. By the time it's a done deal, the dumper is ready to leave what they consider the failed relationship, and leave it behind. The dumpee is still reeling in shock and horror, and wants to talk, negotiate, do ANYTHING to stop what's happening. And the usual reaction is to shove that pain, shock, and horror into the dumper's face every time they talk, whether it's intentional or not. Dumper starts to avoid contact with dumpee. Dumpee becomes more determined to get some answers, some resolution. Dumper gets noticeably more impatient. and may be throwing things out there like "I already explained this the last FIVE TIMES I agreed to talk to you, why don't you get it???" And they're thinking "for pity's sake, why won't this person leave me alone for one freaking day??" Would you want to hear from someone who was a constant reminder of failure, and guilt/pain feelings? Probably not. And they don't either. And the crawling shivering wreck of a person you are now is not the same attractive bright person they fell for, either. To top it off, every time you contact your ex and dumper, they reinforce (however inadvertently) that they don't want you the way you do them, and it HURTS. It's not like two people in a relationship who are just saying "I'm not speaking to you!" "Well FINE, I'm not speaking to you either!" It's two people who are no longer in one, at least one of who will ONLY be hurt, in the long run, by the continual reminder they're no longer wanted. You don't heal anything, physical or emotional, by tearing the wounds open over and over and over again. And insisting on maintaining a contact that hurts isn't any different. Letting go is hard - but in the long run, hanging on to something that isn't there anymore is harder. You don't go NC to repair a relationship - you go NC to repair yourself when the relationship has already been declared null and void by someone who has definitively left you. Link to comment
Tomuch2hope Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 Mesemene. I hear you loud and clear, but I'm not trying to relate the question to my own circumstances. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 I tend to use "you" because it sounds awkward and confusing referring to both sides as "them." Sorry for any confusion, I was being general in response to your question Link to comment
Tomuch2hope Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 Mesemene, do you mind if I PM you Link to comment
Hastyhand Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 I has a question. I broke NC today with a short text I sent to her: "NameOfThePerson has died." It was a common person we knew, but as she knew him via me then she couldn`t find out. In the news about the collision they didnt reveal the name. So I consulted with my parents..wether I should tell her about it or not..and they agreed that I should send a short, emotionless notice about it..so I did. I didn`t want to break the NC to begin with, but I felt it in the gut..that I should inform her about it. What do you guys think about it? Link to comment
Airbag Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 I has a question. I broke NC today with a short text I sent to her: "NameOfThePerson has died." It was a common person we knew, but as she knew him via me then she couldn`t find out. In the news about the collision they didnt reveal the name. So I consulted with my parents..wether I should tell her about it or not..and they agreed that I should send a short, emotionless notice about it..so I did. I didn`t want to break the NC to begin with, but I felt it in the gut..that I should inform her about it. What do you guys think about it? I think it's more than appropriate to text her about something serious as the death of someone you both knew. Link to comment
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