Am I naive?

[tracielee38]

Hey yall I need advice .I have been with my bf for a year now.we live together.He is very private by that he has a lock on his phone and computer always has since we first dated well except the phone.He told me that he was not talking to other females he swore on his sons life.So I believed him.we met online he has a job where he sits all day and is not busy a (mattress store).so I feel he is chatting online.not cheating just chatting. Anyway he fell asleep with his phone in his pocket the other night and well i snooped.i found a text from his ex (she owes him money) they were talking about the money and she asked him if I lived with him and I think he said no,u could tell there were messages missing. plus it was his bday and he said it was a text from his sister it was but, also a female just saying happy bday.but he didnt tell me she texted him i saw it.He knows im very insecure do u think he hides it from me to not hurt me or is he lying all the time. i want to confront him but I dont know how to approach it,i can not tell him i saw the texts.it hurts he would lie and say i dont live w/him. he is very quiet and and loner we dont talk much i thought we did good communication when we did tho..please help me.

[Seraphim]

If you are very insecure maybe you should work on that? When people are really insecure they always have to keep looking and looking and looking for a way they are being deceived and they are seldom happy till they find proof no matter how small, and they say, " SEE!!! I told you so!!" Either you need to work on that or you need to be with a person that has the exact same values as you, by that I mean, exes are not to be talked to and there is no locked devices and either person can view at will.

 

A person who values their privacy and someone who does not think there is any in relationships do not belong together.

[Mesemene]

I will say this - expecting an ex not to be communicated with when there's a child involved isn't realistic. So him talking to his ex about money, etc? Normal. Him maybe not being forthcoming with her about you? Also within normal - a lot of people sure don't want the ex poking into what they consider their private life after the ex is an ex.

 

Have you ever just asked him if he has had experiences that have made him so privacy conscious? For example, my ex-husband used any excuse, me going to the store or whatever, to comb through my computer, phone, and even underwear drawer to find "evidence" I was cheating. I wasn't so his search was a failure - he had, and was convinced since he had I would - which was what ultimately doomed things. I mention it because I felt extremely violated - not only had he cheated, but he was diving into my undies to try to justify himself? And I'm sure some of that carried over into other relationships as far as it goes. I still find myself cringing if someone watches over my shoulder while I'm typing, for example - even if I'm just sending an email to my daughter!!! It can make someone very sensitive to their "space" if they've been stalked, or had their trust violated in this way.

[DN]

He has a right to his privacy so stop snooping. If you get caught he will probably dump you.

 

And it is probably because he likes to keep things private that he told his ex he doesn't live with you - it's not her business and she might try to use it in some way to stop him seeing his child.

[tracielee38]

He has a right to his privacy so stop snooping. If you get caught he will probably dump you.

 

And it is probably because he likes to keep things private that he told his ex he doesn't live with you - it's not her business and she might try to use it in some way to stop him seeing his child.

 

Thanks.I know he has a right to his privacy. I have never been with anyone like this and it is hard for me. they do not have children. it is just a ex gf. he lived with for 8 months..I have no friends here I just moved here and lonely so my mind wanders alot.I try not to be so insecure..but I have been hurt in the past.

[tracielee38]

Thanks for your reply...He says he has always been like that,his mom says he has too. but he gave no explaination why he is this way..there are no children with this ex gf. you could be right he just doesn't want her to know about his life now that she is an ex. he is very quiet with his mom too about things.it took him 8 months to add me to his facebook as his gf..

[tracielee38]

work on your insecurities.

 

Thanks fastandfurious.I'am trying so hard to work on them Im in couseling now. but she sees that he may be the problem as too why I have insecurities you know by how private he is. but I love him so much. I try to not think about his chatting w/girls.I respect him to much to do that to him.