Should I respond to his apology text?

[Kjv1611ad]

My boyfriend and I broke up about 6 weeks ago, we have been in contact, we went to dinner Wednesday night, talking about things, before Wednesday I had been begging him to try and work things out, he said he didnt want to be in a relationship right now, and basically everything is all my fault. I did tell him that this was his issue, not mine, and I was willing to work things out, but that at this point I knew it was over.

 

He got pretty drunk Wednesday night, and I did not. I called him after we left to see if he made it home ok, and somehow the conversation turned......he started yelling at me and hung up on me. I did not try to call him back. Yesterday morning he sent me a text saying, Hey, I wanted to apologize for yelling and hanging up on you last night. It just infuriates me when you say I never loved you, or didnt care about you at all. That just isnt true, but I wanted to say I was sorry.

 

I never responded. I feel horrible for not responding, but I mean come on, first off, I didnt say that on the phone, and second, he was the one that said he didnt want to be in a relationship, and somehow the reason he doesnt is because of me. I dont really know what I should do. I know i did things wrong in the past. I told him Wednesday night: If you dont feel you treated me like ****, then I never treated you like ****. He didnt really know what to say to that, because he knew it was true.

 

I dont know what to do. I feel like things could be worked out, there is just misunderstandings, but me begging and pleading seems to be giving him the upper hand?

 

We both did things wrong. He feels like I need to be the one to fix everything. I want to work this out with him, but I am at a loss at to what to do.

 

Should I of responded to his text? Am I rude for not responding? Should I just wait a few weeks and try to clear the air? Or should I just wait for him to come to me to decide he wants to work things out? Our break up was kinda mutual, but I didnt really want to break up, of course.

 

I do want to work things out.

 

Is this something he needs to figure out on his own?

[DN]

It just infuriates me when you say I never loved you, or didnt care about you at all.

I know you said you didn't say that on the phone but have you ever said it?

[Kjv1611ad]

yes. in the heat of the moment. *cringe*

[DN]

Then that is what he was referring to. Have you withdrawn that and apologised?

[Kjv1611ad]

No, I haven't. Assuming I should. What should I say? I dont want to keep getting strung along either!!

[Hollyj]

Why doesn't "he want to be in a relationship now?"

[DN]

Tell him that you respect his wish to be alone and there is no obligation for him to respond but you feel he should know that you didn't mean it when you said it.

[Kjv1611ad]

I asked him if our relationship was salvageable, that all the things we could work on or fix, if he would want to work things out. He said he didnt know, that he didnt know if that was all of it, he didnt know if he wanted to be in a relationship right now, and that it was hard to explain. Then I said ok, thats fine, I know now there is nothing more I can do, this has nothing to do with me. He then proceeded to tell me I knew exactly what it was about (it being my fault)......

 

I suppose I could say that. But I will go back to feeling horrible if he does not respond.

[DN]

That is why you should say that you are not expecting him to.

 

But - - in the very slight off-chance that he might think of coming back he needs to know.

[Kjv1611ad]

Why? He needs to know that I think he loved me for him to come back? His actions sure aren't showing it, and they haven't for a long time. I feel like I would be making him feel better about leaving. Sorry, I am not arguing, I just am at a complete LOSS as what to do to FIX this! I dont want to play games with him. I want him to want to work things out with me. I dont understand, for the life of me, why he is being this way.

[Hollyj]

I don't like the fact that everything is thrown on you, and the fact he doesn't want to address issues. Doesn't sound like the relationship is important to him.

 

Don't wait around for this guy to make up his mind. You have already done enough to try to salvage the relationship.

 

Don't feel bad for not responding, he behaved like an a$$.

[DN]

OK. Well, do it your way. It may work for you.

[Kjv1611ad]

I dont have a way. Just weighing my options.

[SethSLC]

Why? He needs to know that I think he loved me for him to come back? His actions sure aren't showing it, and they haven't for a long time. I feel like I would be making him feel better about leaving. Sorry, I am not arguing, I just am at a complete LOSS as what to do to FIX this! I dont want to play games with him. I want him to want to work things out with me. I dont understand, for the life of me, why he is being this way.

 

You have to understand that what things sound like or look like to your mind can be completely different to someone else. Something you said to 20 different people can have 20 different reactions, none of which being how you would have reacted or intended them to react.

 

My point is that communication, real communication, is a skill that takes a lot of practice in order for both parties to not only say what they intend to say, but more importantly to have the other person HEAR what they were intending them to hear.

 

So when you say things in the heat of the moment for you that he doesn't love you or care about you you might think it doesn't count or that it could never be believed that you actually meant it. When the reality is he very well may believe that single moment in time over all the other countless times you and he shared "I love you's".

 

If you really want a way to fix this then the very first step is just like DN told you. You need to take a time out and think about it, and if you really are sorry for having said those things, then you need to tell him so in an honest and complete manner. You really need to be sorry about it before telling him you're sorry though because it has to be real and come from the heart. Then like was said you need to accept that you may or probably won't get a response and leave him to process things.

 

Telling a partner in a relationship that you don't think they love you is pretty cold and messed up. To not feel you need to appologize for it is kind of even more messed up IMO. You need to man up so to speak and do this. I'm telling you this because I was in his shoes before and I have a pretty good guess as to what he's feeling and why he's so angry. You may think that it was a simple heated argument exchange but to him, it's a lot more. To him he most likely sees that as the truth of how you feel and would explain his explosive reaction on the phone.

[Kjv1611ad]

ok, then what is your good guess as to how he is feeling? I am supposed to just let him continue down this path of, I would of given you the world, but you messed it up, and now I treat you like ****, but its your fault that I am this way now. That is what he is doing. IMO, someone who "loves" you, wouldnt do that. That is where my words came from. Maybe I do actually believe he doesnt.

 

This is so messed up.

[DN]

Check my signature.

[SethSLC]

When over the course of a relationship arguments happen and aren't worked through like rational adults with changes taking place one or both people can come to feel like they're not appreciated. If you add into that one of them telling the other person "You never loved me!" well that sticks with you. No matter if the argument passes and things seem better those words will stick with him. If you say you're sorry soon after well that is usually accepted but it isn't taken as the truth. Their mind will probably be saying things like, and they may not be consciously aware of this going on, you're only saying you're sorry because you hurt me, not because you don't actually feel that way.

 

I'm telling you that my best guess as to why he blew up at you and said what he said, and given that he was drinking so his filters were a lot looser so it means he probably really believes what he's saying deep down, that he believes you feel like he didn't love you. If you want to get through to him then you need to tell him that you never believed for one second that he didn't love you. That he made you feel loved. Give a few examples. Appologize. Then let it go. It will take a while for it to sink in but in time it will and it should cause a shift in his behavior because he will no longer think that you believe he didn't love you.

 

I'm not saying any of this to excuse his behavior towards you, just to try and explain that if he is feeling anything like I was (and I've had that said to me a lot by my ex that she felt like I didn't love her in arguments), what would have fixed it for me. In turn after I was told stuff like that I too lashed out in anger during arguments and was harsher than I had reason to be because I came to believe that she couldn't see any of the positives I did for her or felt for her. So what was the point? It led to resentment and anger and frustration on my part. Which, reading your posts, seems to be exactly how he is acting right now.

 

So find a way to tell him you're sorry for saying those things, if you really are, and maybe give some positive examples of ways he made you feel special and loved. Then just let it be for a while and give him some space. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with the results.

 

If on the other hand you really feel that way, that he doesn't or didn't love you. Then you shouldn't say you're sorry and you should just cut him out of your life for good and forget him.

 

There are your 2 choices. Either realise you don't feel that way, and appologize. Or realise you DO feel that way and cut him from your life once and for all.

[Kjv1611ad]

Does it matter if I only said that after we broke up, and I have repeatedly tried to get him to work things out with me, and he refuses?

[SethSLC]

Does it matter if I only said that after we broke up, and I have repeatedly tried to get him to work things out with me, and he refuses?

 

Ya it still matters. He will hear it as you having always felt that way on some level, and will take it to feel like what he did wasn't good enough during the relationship. He feels like he loved you deeply and showed you in countless ways (in his mind). It may not have come accross that way all the time to you because again, if your partner doesn't hear it it doesn't count as you having said it. You have to be able to communicate in ways that the other person can "hear" it.

 

The only thing you can control is you. So if you didn't really feel like he didn't love you enough, then give a really good appology, with maybe an example or two, and then leave it be for a while and let him process things.

[Kjv1611ad]

He accused me of something that isnt true, and I am getting drug through the dirt by him emotionally. I want to work things out, but I cant believe he wont listen or talk or try to compromise at some level. That is why I felt/feel the way I do. He used to, but I dont feel that right now....I am so conflicted, I have tried and tried, why am I still trying, if I am the only one?

[Hollyj]

If someone won't listen or compromise, then how do you have a relationship?

 

Why is he making this accusation? And, has he done it before?

[DN]

Does it matter if I only said that after we broke up, and I have repeatedly tried to get him to work things out with me, and he refuses?

Yes, it does matter. If he does decide to come back he needs to know what to expect.

[SethSLC]

He tells you the following day:

 

It just infuriates me when you say I never loved you, or didnt care about you at all. That just isnt true, but I wanted to say I was sorry.

 

DN asks you:

 

I know you said you didn't say that on the phone but have you ever said it?

 

You answer:

 

yes. in the heat of the moment. *cringe*

 

To which DN asks if you've apologised for that and your response was:

 

No, I haven't. Assuming I should. What should I say? I dont want to keep getting strung along either!!

 

And finally you're stuck on playing the victim role here..

 

He accused me of something that isnt true, and I am getting drug through the dirt by him emotionally.

 

Let's refresh shall we? Because we're really trying to help you..

 

1.He is drinking and you two end up getting into a heated discussion during which, with his filters and inhibitions lowered you are given a glimpse of what might be truly bothering him enough to make him angry.

2.He tells you you feel like he never loved you. Which is a complete lie to his brain and his heart, and it is something he cannot comprehend how it is possible you can feel that way, yet you actually said those words so he believes you really DO feel that way.

3.You admit to having said it.

4.You say you never apologised for it.

5.You are angry that he is angry at you.

6.You keep going in circles here trying to find some solution that allows you to be “In the Right” and him “In the Wrong” (at least that is how it is coming accross)

[Kjv1611ad]

He told me that I never included him in my life, and he thinks it is because of my ex husband. But the truth of the matter is that he stopped including me in his life, and I asked repeatedly for him to come to things with me. He would always say no, and when I would say something about it, he would say, I want to be able to have the choice to say yes or no. OK. Well, we were just fighting continually. We broke up. I didnt think it was the real deal.....but he doesnt want anything anymore. I tried to reason, give him a few days to cool down, nothing worked. I cried, everything. Told him I was miserable and I missed him. He would say he missed SOME things about me. Brutal. He gets harder and harder the more I try, and the more I apologize. We went to dinner and we started talking and he would not listen, saying he would get up from the table. So I stopped. He said that he just doesnt think he will ever go back to the way he was before. I was shocked. He asked....did you get your closure. I said, yes. I teared up a little but hid it from him. Then the rest of the night was fine. I called when I left and he screamed.....and it went from there.

 

I want to FIX things. I should apologize, but is now the right time? Should I let things sit for a few days? I feel weak right now. I dont know if I can handle another blow again. He is hurting me over and over. So I may of hurt him with that comment, but I feel that way, right now.

 

This might not be fixable.

[Kjv1611ad]

Ok. I get what you are saying. I am not trying to be right, well, I am sure it is human nature to want to be right. I should apologize for what was said. Should I do it now? Or wait a few days?