Just Got Dumped By Great Guy help Me!!

[StrawTink]

My bf of a year and a half whom i was planning on moving in with just dumped me august 4th was living in his apartment at the time. i know we were having problems. suach as little fights about the same stuff over and over. i was tired of fighting also but would have rather worked things out. He says he loves me but doesnt want to be in a relationship right now. that he can't say we wont get back together because he doesn't know waht the future holds. he's 24 this is the longest hes been with anyone after highschool. Problem is he's my best friend ive known him for 9 years. Now he's hanging out with a "friend" who he has known just as long. How do i get him to see how great i am? and how do i get him to want me back? i'll take any advice given.

[dotneter]

I don't think you'll take my advice because I am not going to say what you want to hear, but it's something you need to hear so I will say it.

 

You are a good person and are deserving of love and respect. When a guy tells you he doesn't want to be with you but he doesn't want to say that he won't want to be with you later either, he's basically saying "I'm done with you for now but stick around, just in case." That doesn't sound like something a "Great Guy" would do, does it?

 

He says he loves you but doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. Obviously you do. But do you want it so badly that you want to convince him to be with you? Let's say you do manage to convince him to be with you, will you honestly be happy a month from now knowing that there is a pretty good chance he is only there because you made him?

 

Have some dignity. Walk away from this and don't look back. Write down what it is that you're feeling, with so much detail that you will feel exactly how you feel right now whenever you read it. If he comes back to you (which he most likely will eventually), take it out and read it, and then decide whether or not you'll take him back.

 

You deserve better.

[rich46]

I must say that that is great advice dotneter.

 

StrawTink, that is the only way to go about things. My ex ended things with me with similar reasons - doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, still wants me as a best friend etc. I bet she thought that there is no way that I could leave her out of my life, thereforeeee she would have a surefire safety net. Well she underestimated my strength because although I don't have many other people around me right now, I won't be strung along like that. If she ever comes back to me, then I will know that it is because of her choosing to do so. Not because I have made her come back, or used mind games. I'm not prepared to go through all that hurt to make someone realise that they are making a mistake. If she fails to realise this, the it is her loss and I will be well on the road to recovery anyway.

 

Like dotneter said, have some dignity and keep hold of your self respect. It feels good. You must distance yourself from him right away and begin to focus on your own life. Do not obsess about getting him back, as this will cause you more hurt and will probably push him further away in the process.

 

I know what it's like to lose your best friend - that is the hardest part in my view. Just being able to talk to my ex is something I miss so much, but I know it is for the best.

 

Stay strong and good luck,

 

Rich

[justtwicethen]

Your signature sais it all. "You never realize the importance of something until its gone (not verbatim)"

 

 

Then let go of this guy. If he loved you, he will return.

 

Often, our partners take us for a ride and if not married, you have to let go completely (i.e no contact) to make him realize what he has lost.

 

8)

[ryan14]

hi strawtink i feel your pain.

 

I believe you want him really bad, my advice for you is to implement "No Contact" and why is this the answer?

 

Because you need to heal first...if you dont do that you will appear to be needy and clingy...you will just push him away...that will lessen the chances of getting back together.

 

You need to give him space and time to think about it, dont expect that he will come back right away he needs to sort things out.

 

I know it will be hard in the first 2 to 3 weeks but it will help.

 

good luck and keep us updated

[JonnyG]

Unfortunately i agree with the above. I think it may be a case of "stick around in case i need you".

 

This isn't for definite though, there could still be a chance you guys will get back together for good again. Just be wary.

[OmegaMan]

Dotneter, you've said it all. Awesome advice.

 

It's over.

 

It's very hard sometimes to tell someone they don't love someone else. Because it hurts like hell when someone tells you they don't love you anymore. But the truth is always better than a beautiful lie.

 

He's giving you the: "Oh I love you by I just don't want to be with you." That's a plain excuse, believe me, I've used some of them myself (which I am not proud of.)

 

Love is not about convincing, proving.

 

Alas, I don't have any advice on getting him back, as I don't think it's possible.

 

E.

[StrawTink]

you guys are giving me good advice.... just dont down on him too much, at first he didnt want to break up he just told me that he didnt want me moving in with him. he felt like we were around each other too much. i think a lot of it was i was pressuring him to look for a job... he got laid off in mid july. He's more the type that if something is too hard he doesnt want to deal with it. and im too hard to deal with right now. We are still trying to be friends he's making that effort. but, you guys are telling me to cut off all contact period? what about plans already made? like im supposed to go to six flags tomorrow. what do i do about him helping me move into my own place? he paid for a storage unit and everything. he's not trying to be the bad guy.

[StrawTink]

and why are there so many great guys on here giving great advice to me. you guys sound like you deserve the good girls not the users and abusers you've been getting

[daredevil]

I broke up with my ex.. we talk together now. its a month since, we have talked each day since.. mostly me establishing the ocnversation, but she is now beginning to ask me about things she could ask everyone about.. such things as help for some things regarding the net.. Don't know where i have her, but im very happy to have her near me... it makes me happy and such... of course i miss her and such, but i don't care if i get her back or not... the no contact rule sucks.. it really can be good without espcially when both parts enjoys the contact.... don't always do as others say.. make ur own thoughst and try it.. if it does not work then try the other hing advised...

[otrebla]

Yeah, I'm going through the same thing right now.

They like to keep us available just in case they fail somewhere else.

I saw my ex gf 40 days after she dumped me, it was great, but then a week later she treated me with big indifference, just because she knows I am at her feet any time at all.

But somehow, it made me realize that what she's doing to me has no name.

I'm not waiting her anymore, and I think the statistic about dumpers coming back regretting what they've done is high, so if she comes back I'll have the power to choose whether I take her back or not.

Just keep moving on.

 

It' funny how when there's a break up, the dumper gets weaker and the dumpee gets stronger, maybe it's some shared energy, maybe it's karma.

Good luck in your healing process.

8)

[StrawTink]

yeah i want to believe that he will regret this and realise how wonderful i am because thats what happened with my previous ex. but, i'm really scared because i have this really deep bond with this guy........ i have never been able to explein this but i have and will love him more than any other woman will be able to with the exception of his mom. we have a shared past as far as pain goes. ive known him since i was 16 but only recently ran accross hima at a club april 2003. all he has done is try to be there for me. but, im a fighter i fought with my dad growing up and ive fought in my relationships because i thought that love is a battle and if you are not fighting you aren't being loved..... messed up i know. Well, he made me see this after he said enough is enough he told me he felt like all the nice loving things he was doing didnt count because we kept fighting about small inferior stuff. i guess i just need to be his friend and give him time to see that im not going to fight anymore. because id rather have him in my life than fight. i want him to miss me and see how great i am........ and if you guys really think that they come back once they miss you enough then i will make him miss me........ but that is really scary for me because i dont want to lose him for good.........

[rich46]

If you two have "a really deep bond" then there's no way that he's going to forget about you in a hurry, so don't worry yourself about losing him for good. He is obviously really confused right now, and that is making you even more confused. Since I came on these boards about 6 weeks ago, I have discovered the pattern that exes (deliberately or not, subconsciously or not...I don't know) do leave you hanging on. I understand why they do this, as they don't want to lose you completely just in case nothing 'better ' comes their way.

 

I don't think he is a bad guy judging from what you've said. But the fact is that you have been arguing a lot recently and this has obviously taken it's toll. That is why you both need space to let things settle and let him remember the good times that you guys shared. Let the negative things fade in his memory, and let the positive things come to the forefront.

 

Just give it time, as frustrating as it is, you can't really do anything right now. Just focus on your own life and give him the space he needs to decide what he wants. By calling him every day, or speaking all the time, this may elongate the process.

 

Just my thoughts. Hope things turn out well for you!

 

Rich

[StrawTink]

i see all of you reading this stuff puttin something on here. tell me imma be alright hello im a girl i need reassurance lol. going out with friends tonite gonna drink forget about my situation for a few hours.

[Clarabelle]

Hi Strawtink, I know that this person is your friend as well as your ex, so it's gotta be really tough. It sounds to me like he got cold feet, which ultimately has little to do with you. Give yourself a chance to check in with your heart and see what is really there for this person - truly! To do that takes being able to recognize that you have been hurt, and then look beyond it. NC is good because it lets you see how you feel. then in your case, because you two are friends eventually soon you'll see each other and you'll know if what you feel is real.

[StrawTink]

ok well ,im doing it no contact....... it's gonna be hard but i know its for the best. why should i do all the work trying to fix something he obviously doesn't want anymore. it's not like he was perfect or anything . matter of fact he's down right selfish and i don't want to waste my time worrying about him or the situation anymore. he wants me........... he can work a little too.

so im going to do for me take care of me. and when he doesnt have me there by his side he'll come back to work it out. he has a cold right now...... he feels all yucky and im smiling because i was the one who made him soup and gave him medicine for a year and a half whenever he got sick. his friends won't do that matter of fact they'll still go out tonite with or without him. that's what guys dont get. yeah your buddies are great and sometimes your gf is a drag but so what you cant go to bed with your buddies and snuggle. and with the exception of same couple relationships how many guys make each other soup when they are sick?

relationships aren't all gravy if they were we wouldn't evy the couples who have been together 50 yrs who are still in love. SO I AM TAKING BACK ME. and if he wants me he can come and get me the right way.... with love and respect and a lot of selflessness.

[Vert]

strawtink,

I guess I am one of those few guys that would rather stay home, snuggle, and enjoy my lover's company than be out with the boys. Unfortunately my ex preferred the bar scene over staying home with me, and that was a sore spot of our relationship. She would often come back home later and profess how she was a "bad girlfriend". She wasn't a bad gf, but rather just immature (and still is, in fact).

[otrebla]

Oh, I used to make soup to my ex gf and stay awake all night long when she got ill too.

... Anyway, their loss, people tend to be ungrateful when they get everything easily.

 

[StrawTink]

that's why he is getting nada from me. he can make his own dang on soup. take his own medicine and hold himself in bed. i know its gotta be lonely for him in bed cuz i used to hold him all night it got to the point where when he would come in to go to sleep he needed me to wrap my arms around him. well, now who's gonna be there for him? not i. i'm out like a belly button. im through taking care of him........ especially when he tells me im not his mom....... wasn't trying to be his mom. if he's got issues with her he needs to deal with her not me. he wanted his space now he can reach over and feel that empty cold space on his bed and think of me.........

[otrebla]

Well said, well done!!

[DragonGirl724]

ClaraBelle said: "Hi Strawtink, I know that this person is your friend as well as your ex, so it's gotta be really tough. It sounds to me like he got cold feet, which ultimately has little to do with you."

 

i agree w/ her. a lot of times at least w/ guys i have been with. they have internal conflicts they can only handle ALONE. & cold feet is one amoungst many other issues!! b/c my ex told me 3 days b4 he broke up w/ me how hes gonna sell his car & get me a ring after weve looked at some, i think he scared himself b/c he had 2 gfs b4 me strecthin for the past 7 yrs of his life (hes only 22 now) he was unemployed at the moment & havin fights w/ his parents & confused about school & continuing with football. so if its a mental tug of war hes goin thru its sumthin hes gonna have to handle solo...

 

but Tink I Imed u tonight b/c we have way too much in common in this situation i think we can benefit from talkin to eachother. i heard all the same lines as u did. its mixed signals clashing w/ eachother, its so frustrating annoying & im sick of it! i wrote about it in my recent post. goodluck, keep in touch hun.

 

-DG724

[StrawTink]

um yeah so now we aren't even friends.............. i guess i pushed him too far. i dont care though. im not going to hurt for him anymore. im going to let him fly. he can be free. hes got too many issues for me anymore. besides he really hurt me with the no friends thing. im not going to cry for him anymore. im walking away.

[StrawTink]

ok so ive done some serious thinking............. he has some major anger issues. like looking back on the relationship i see now that he would get mad i mean really mad over the smallest things i would do and i would always get on the defensive. and i know that in his past he had some issues with anger. i tried to bring this up after we broke up and he blew up talking about all this stuff that i did wrong to him and he just cant let go of the things i said or did that shouldn't even matter. he said he wanted to work on squashing stuff that was wrong with us so that we could atleast be friends but it seems like all hes done is avoid everything since the break up and he doesnt seem to care. i want to be his friend at some point down the road but i dont think i can be anything more simply because of his overreacting to simple things. what i would like an answer to is " how can i talk to him about getting his anger under control because when he is angry he just loses it he's not violent he just throws all sorts of hurtful things out there that he later wants to take back. How can i get him to see this without having him go off his hinges. and potentially damaging it more?"

[OmegaMan]

Hi again,

 

you probably won't listen to what I am going to say, but I'll say it anyway.

 

Why do you worry so much about his anger impulses? It's over now. Is it possible that you use the friend thing as a front to hide the fact that you still want to be with him? There seems to be a lot of grudge between the two of you which is why:

 

I really think you should take some distance for a while, let the things cool down for a bit.

 

Really some distance is the best solution now.

 

Good luck.

 

Etienne