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Relationship 7 yrs we've drifted apart need advice

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Hi everyone

Ive just signed up to this forum because i need so impartial advice the story goes a bit like this


I met my girlfriend 7 yrs ago in college she was my first love and the only woman ive ever told i loved, i thought she was the only woman id ever love.

we lived together for a couple of years and had a fantastic sex life and relationship, after about 3 yrs together though i moved home and we have had a long distance relationship meeting every single weekend (2 hour drive). In the past 18 months we have really drifted apart we dont text or talk like we used to and unfortunatley for the past 4 yrs our sex life has suffered due to a medical condition of hers, which has meant we have had sex maybe once a month and it only lasts for a few minutes, i miss the intimacy more than anything and in 8 months now we have not had sex. I love her and would take a bullet for her but ive become resentful about the sex and weve had alot of arguments, I always envisaged myself marrying her and having a family but i just dont know anymore. She knows how im feeling and says im not in love with her anymore, i dont look at her the way i used to, i dont get excited as i used to about seeing her, I love her so much but wonder if shes right and im not in love with her, I hate the thought of breaking up with her and cant believe im thinking about it but im not happy, could we fall back in love?? She has seen a doctor and hopefully the sex thing is cured but i truly wonder if its not too late, im just not attracted to her as i was, shes absolutely stunning so I dont know what my problem is. Ive become selfish in our relationship i used to text her love quotes and songs she meant everything to me and i would do anything for her, but thats all gone, i used to look at her like she was the only woman in the room on a nite out my friends were disgusted by how in love we were, it would break her if we ended.

Im desperate for advice im sorry if thats a bit muddled, can we fall back in love? overcome the distance and sex issues? after so long im tired of it all, i feel i owe her so much more than breaking up? im so confused about the whole thing?

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It sounds like you care very much about making this work. Are there any big issues, other than sex, like arguments that you haven't been able to get past, etc? Unless she's not very open minded by nature, I think the sex problem can be taken care of. The distance could actually work towards rekindling the romance if you both play it right. Since things have gotten stale and complicated, it's probably a good idea to back off a bit without seeing like you are trying to pull away. Take some time for yourself to enjoy your life to the fullest. Disengage from all the arguments and worries for a while. It'll take time but if you both trust each other you can start opening up the communication without hostility.


I think part of the key to this is resolving your resentment toward her. It sounds unrelated but I really think you could benefit from taking up a new interest or changing something to improve your life. Sometimes that helps to see our partners in a different light. A change of pace could also lift that stagnant feeling away a bit.

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If things were going so great, why did you move away? Was it for work or something? This is a crucial part of the story. Any chance of you moving to be near her again? After 7 years it seems to me it's time to move things towards marriage since that's what you ultimately want, or realise that this relationship might not be the one.

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If one has to TRY to fall in love, there is no point. Unless the couple is married or has children, in my opinion. Why be with someone with whom you are not in love, or not happy? For their sake? That doesn't seem right. It should be mutual. You shouldn't have to try to fall in love. You have admitted to yourself that you're not happy. Even she realizes you are no longer in love. This would be a good time to take the step.

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I think it all depends on expectations. The shape of love changes over time. I've been with my husband for seven years as well, and we don't do all of that lovey-dovey stuff for each other all the time either. But, there is nothing saying you can't do those things again. Make the effort. You clearly remember doing those things, so why not start doing them again...think about how she would respond to a sweet gesture.


Also, my husband and I went through a definite dry spell for maybe four years in the middle where we had sex perhaps once a month and I know there were times we went months and months without sex. We have done intermittent long distance and he's worked all kinds of crazy shift work which hasn't helped us either...The no sex thing for us was really a problem with me---and not a medical one. I just lost interest and could not bring myself to be interested in having sex. He was understanding, but obviously got frustrated and felt rejected...I am not sure what made the difference, how we got it back, except that we talked about it openly and honestly and spent time cuddling and holding hands, being sweet with one another and we each made an effort to feel close to each other again.


When we were doing long distance, it's almost like we put up walls and stopped missing each other because if we allowed ourselves to feel the full extent of our pain over being separated, we wouldn't survive it. This seems to have bred some emotional distance between us. We've had to work to close that gap and re-cultivate sense of love and commitment and excitement for a shared future.


Like one of the other posters asked, is there a way you can live close to one another again? You have to end this separation---it will kill your relationship. Best of luck to you!

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Your moving away seems to be the root of the cause here, unfortunately. When you left, things were no longer the same after that -- it became a long distance relationship. And going from living together to living long distance apart throws the dynamics of the relationship out of wack. Why did you leave?

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I left to move back home after college we live 2 and a half hours drive from one another my work is at home hers is in her home, like i said weve drifted apart and im not sure whether she is the one, she has applied for a job closer to me but im not sure if she should be moving when im so unsure, its a mess really, feels like ive been living my life on the road she feels the same, for me the spark that was once there is the big issue its no longer there i dont think about her in the same way, im putting that down to the lack of intimacy we used to have, sex is as i said more of a priority for me and has always brought me closer to her, im just wondering if its not too late at this stage to get back what we once had. to top it off i find my self looking at other women something i would never have dreamt about doing 2 years ago. Its really a decision only I can make i suppose..

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I don't think any of us here can give you a definite answer whether you should stay with your girlfriend or not. What I can say is that you have your own needs to be met in a relationship and sexual intimacy plays a major part in binding it. If you are unhappy with how it is going and don't see it improving... plus you are living long distance... then this may not be right for you. For a relationship to thrive, you both have to be happy while being together. IMO, I don't think you are selfish for feeling "resentful" for the lack of sex. I left my ex because of that reason and do not regret it since I found someone else who satisfies my needs in a relationship, but that's just me.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 1 year later...

So il finish this story since my last post a year ago my girlfriend and I broke up, both unhappy with things I suppose I wanted to break up and drove it more, i was single for 6 months met a girl in that time who I had a relationship for 3 months with, that relationship was incredibly sexual we couldn't keep our hands off one another, would spend the night having sex texting sexting, (never had 6 orgasms in a night before but did with this girl, she satisfied my every sexual desire), I could see this girl was falling for me and I for her but after an 8 yr relationship I was pretty messed up and didn't want to start anything serious, we parted ways and 2 months later met my long term girlfriend or ex at the time out one thing led to another we end up back together,

Problems are there with us both being with other people but we work through it, but for the past 2 months I've realised I'm not attracted to her, have no desire to have sex with her, she's beautiful but I don't desire her or want to spend time with her everything seems so forced like ive fallen out of love with her. And I know how much she was my everything the only girl I did desire but that's changed now and she's so unhappy about it too. I now find myself thinking about the other girl I was with for the three months

Is this a case of me just wanting what I can't have?

Does love disappear from a relationship?

I know im not happy with my girlfriend but I want to be happy with her, I want her to be the one but it's just not there now, could I get it back with her and how do I stop thinking about this other girl????

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