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A story of sickness, pain,family and religious conflict...what should i do?


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Hello everyone, I dont wanna drag this story out because it much too painful. To make a long story short. This last year has been a nightmare. I have had mulitple surgieries and last december, I was practically on my death bed due to a major illness. While the Dr's were scrambeling to nurse me to health, the social workers were busy trying to reach my loved ones, and encourage them to visit me in the hospital and offer their support, although my family on lives about 30 minutes away, they refused to come.


During this painful time of recovery I was reunited with one of my long lost cousins; Anyways my cousin really stepped up to the plate and provided me with alot of emotional support. In addition, he always allowed his children to come to my home and spend time with me (because he knows I love kids and love to spoil them). I was shocked by this because my cousin lives a hard street life and has even been imprisoned;I am totally opposite, I am in heavily involved in the church and that sort of life style.....The problem is that my cousins girlfriend is very jealous, because my cousin is supportive of me and their children adore me. I once was nice to both my cousin, his girlfriend, and the kids, but her drug use, violent threats, and major mood swings drove me away! Besides, I was much too sick to deal with her, so I just focused mainly on the kiddos.


I stopped inviting the children to my home, and I have not contacted my cousin in the last 3 to 4 months. The last time we spoke He asked me what was wrong and why I was so distant, but I had already explained to him why I distanced myself.


My friends often wonder why in the world, I would talk to him/her because their lifestyles are so different from mine, but I feel that God's Grace is sufficient for them too. I feel that instead of judging them, I should try and be an example of God's Grace and love for them both


Do you think I should contact my cousin? Should I continue to be supportive to him because he was supportive to me? Or should I just continue on with my life, without them?

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Of course you should contact him. He came to you and supported you in your time of need. It hurts to hear a little bit that you've sort of abandoned him in HIS time of need. I used to be heavily in cocaine and heroin and most of my family abandoned me, but my mother didn't. She stood by me and without that support I doubt I would be alive today.


You needed him, and he came through when no one else would. Now he needs you. Try to repay the favor, and you never know. The closer you grow, maybe you can convince him and his loved one to get help.

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This is a hard one! On the one hand, I feel that you are very vulnerable. The violent threats, the drugs and the effect they have on people's actions mean that you could be emotionally and physically hurt.


On the other hand there are the children. I have a feeling that you may be the safe haven they need. Maybe your cousin realizes this as well and that could be a factor in his wanting to remain close to you.


If you could make clear to your cousin that your door is open to his children and him if they need you but that you don't want to disrupt his relationship with his girlfriend,maybe that could be a kind of compromise and a way of being there if you are needed.

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Thanks for the reply. Yeah, my cousins girlfriend is truly has issues, she has physically hit his mother, she called me threatening to cut me and him...I explained to him that I dont want to hurt her at all, I dont want them fighting....or the children in between all of this.That is why I am stepping away , but It hurts me because I think that my cousin and the children really need the support. I dont have anything against her, I have never even raised my voice to her ...at all....or spoken badly to my cousin about her...never. I just really had to separate myself for my own health purposes and sanity.


Thanks agin for the reply

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Thanks for your honesty. No I havent abandoned him. It was his birthday, and I facebooked him , and asked him to meet up somewhere in the community so that I could give him a gift. I wrote him a special poem that thanked him for all that he did for me. The reason , why I withdrew again was for safety reasons, because of the threats that his girlfriend made, and my health condition, I had to take safety precautions. But I pray for them both, and I do still love all of them very much .

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Thanks for your honesty. No I havent abandoned him. It was his birthday, and I facebooked him , and asked him to meet up somewhere in the community so that I could give him a gift. I wrote him a special poem that thanked him for all that he did for me. The reason , why I withdrew again was for safety reasons, because of the threats that his girlfriend made, and my health condition, I had to take safety precautions. But I pray for them both, and I do still love all of them very much .


Ok, if the situation is that serious, someone needs to talk to your cousin and help him get away from her. And soon. What if she follows through on these threats? She could seriously injure him, or physically abuse the children. If he won't get rid of her, the next time she threatens or hits someone... The police need to be called. Some peope won't change until the law becomes involved.

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Have you explored whether its possible to see cousin and kids without the GF?


No sense in making a decision that's punitive against the cousin because he doesn't live his life as you wish. If he has enough support, it could occur to him to ditch the GF. Otherwise, why allow her to ruin your own relationship with your cousins?


Also, what are the barriers between you and the rest of your family?

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I am not sure what the barriers are between my family and I . Although, my family has always been dysfunctional I have never known them to be so distant and cold, in terms of them not visiting me at the hospital or not attending my b-day gatherings.


On another note, I have begun trama therapy, as suggested by my Dr.it has really helped because I am learning to accept the situation with my family.....I love them very dearly, and I have just recently tried to reach out to my cousin, however the question that was purposed to me was.....? How much of an impact can I truly have on them if I am not 100%/50% well myself?


I guess I agree with you all, I may have to meet with them at a fun place, and definitely be careful with the threats (possibly even hold her accountable for them).....Thanks Everyone.

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Thanks for asking, I sent him a message on facebook about 2 weeks ago on his birthday asking him to meet up with me; so that I could present him with a gift that I brought him for his b-day.But so far I have not gotten any response. I am not sure what to think "betweenthebars" because there are so many factors and barriers in this situation. Here are a few:


*During the time that I was away from him (these past 3-4 months), his mom got into it with my mom, and He got into it with my brother (huge fight, but I am not

really comfortable elaborating publicly on what took place... but I had nothing to do with it, I no longer live with my mom so, thank God for that).


*My mom used to watch his children, because my mom had a daycare and he pulled all of his children out.


Other issues include:


*His drug use, I notice that my cousin would hang out with me at his mom house, but often refused to hang out with me in the community. (lots of social anxiety/paranoia...i dunno)


* It would cause a problem because I didnt like hanging out at his moms house because of the violence that surrounded me, but that was really the only place that he would primarily spend time with me.


*Then there was his girlfriend.....you already know the scoop.


*On the otherhand I think, he is just ignoring me.


I dont know...what to think...how to feel, I am just being pacient and waiting for him to reply. What I would like, is the opporitunity to be verbalize my gratitude for all that he has done for me,especially when I was ill........I would like to let him know that I will always be here for him, the kids.. and his girlfriend too if she ever wants to re-connect.........I quess, I just want closure.


Some of my friends say just let it go. Some say be pacient and he will come around....I dont know what to do...... I hope I am not stuck with this wonderful present that I worked so hard on, only to find out that he is not interested in recieving it....That would really hurt and that is what frightens me the most.

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*You all are soooo smart. You have all touched on things that have been brought to my attention in the past by he and his mom.


Chitown he has told me that he is not intentionally trying to hurt me , but that he is "busy" (getting drugs ...getting money to get drugs...taking drugs) and of coarse trying to support his family.


Catfeeder I could win one million dollars to figure out why they are"angry" with me. I probably would only win like $500,000/50%. I personally feel that they are not necessarily "angry" with me...well not completely. I think alot of it has to do with jealousy. My aunt (my cousins mom) is the primary reason why my cousin is the way he is today. Instead of allowing him to go to school, and participate in normal teenage things. She had him hustling to get money, introduced him to the street life, and she has a big "hold" on him today....(Both she and his wacked out girlfriend).......... He has told me multiple times that he feels used by them, mainly his mom. One day his girlfriend told me over the phone that she "sends" him out to "befriend girls" .....get money from them...and bring it back to her....and my cousin told me that she even tried to get him to do that to me!...and he absolutely refused. With that being said, I think that they were/are more jealousy than angry, because they were losing their "grip on him" per say, and he was slowly but surely starting to "see" the reality of this family dysfunction. In terms of his brothers and sisters, They sometimes refused to talk to me as well. I think it was because I spent so my time, money, and attention on his children more than the other children.


Between the Bars: Yes you are also correct.... He has told me several times "I dont know how you do it. How do you deal with all the stuff they (the family and his girlfriend) throw at you....you are such a good person". I responded. Its not always about ME, sometimes you have to put aside your pride and ego to help someone else who is struggling....he had no comment.


Other comments from that I have gotten when I have gotten from his mom during my visits have been Your side of the family does not want you OVER here!You are not like us ..My kids look up to you, because you have never lived this type of life....One time she even,..... refused to open the door and now she refuses o answer my phone calls.But she speaks to me when she sees me.....see what I mean


I currently work in a social services program, and we are planning on recieving tons of gift during the holidays. I was planning on blessing all of the children this year with gifts...and taking them to my aunts house (where they all live from time to time), however, I dont want to set myself up to be rejected..or have her snap on me...I have seen her do that before...yikes.....I could also take his birthday gift there because I know he is there daily.....but then, its like I want to respect her wishes and his too if they are "ignoring me" and "dont want me to be apart of their life".........I dont wantto look stupid either give gifts to peoples children who are not even speaking to me".....I've done this before......and it leaves you feeling empty and angry when it is not recieved with gratitude.


That is why I have entitled this sickness...family..and religious conflict. Because when you are very ill.....being around your loved ones is very important...soothing ...and needed for recovery; On the other hand, there is alot of religious conflict because I love God with all my heart and have dedicated my life to him. But sometimes............. that "Light"........ that radiates so bright from my spirit......can bring about so much pain and rejection if it is good "rejection"............ it still hurts my heart because sometimes I just want to be normal , be me, and be loved.....is that too much to ask for

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WOW................huge.....huge....update. So, I have been feeling really really sad about my cousin not returning my facebook message. In my heart I didnt believe that he would be that mean to me...........it just....nothing made since.


So normally I attend church on Sunday, but this Sunday I was tooo bummed out. As I sat looking at my messages on Facebook, something prompted me to check the inmate database...there it was.........my cousins picture He is currently incarcerated!


So, It is now 2:07 in the morning. I have proceeded to approach Gods thrown...and ask that tomorrow........the jailhouse doors will be open for visitation. I am anxious. I am afraid , I dont know how I will respond ...nor how he will respond, but I know that God is my strength....


Today my heart crys out and breaks .......in prayer..........for his children:sorrow: .



(Please pray for me...does anyone have any advice for thread #19) ?

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Wow! What a surprise!! I bet he is in jail for something to do with his girlfriend. Don't be surprised if they do not let you visit him because you need to be on the visitor's list and he probably did not put you on it. I would go anyway, just on the chance you will see him. Look at the bright side, you will get to see him alone. give us an update tomorrow....chi

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Thank you chi...you are awesome! I will keep you updated. I know I am not on the visitation list, but because of my professional background, I normally get Special visits into the various jails here in my state. So, I am praying that God will open the door and give me favor with the warden tomorrow and maybe I can be placed on the special visitation list....I will keep you posted.......:star:

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