My girlfriend wants DPd

[XxJustMexX]

I think you're arguing that the majority is uptight. We already knew that.

 

Besides, no one asked us what the "majority" thinks, because some of us don't care about that. The "majority" openly and shamelessly subscribes to superstition. The original poster asked what our opinions were, not what plays in Peoria.

 

You're right. It's ok to have sex with other people when you're in a committed relationship, majority or not. Just as long as at least one person's opinion says so. What was I thinking.

 

FYI, we're not talking about "fantasies" here. This guy's girlfriend went BEYOND fantasy as she's VOICED it and asked for it to be done. It is no longer a fantasy, but a request.

 

Oh and another FYI, I was replying to the person I quoted, not the OP. So my whole comment was towards that person... And those are my opinions anyway, regardless of whether it plays in Peoria.

[XxJustMexX]

OP, it's time to say this now. You'll get different opinions from everybody. Those who are sexually more open will tell you her request is ok. While those who hold more value in relationships (not that the previous don't) will say no. It's up to you and how you feel about the situation. Our opinions shouldn't matter to you. If it bothers you, then that's all that should matter. You won't get a 100% one sided opinion here unfortunately. But thankfully for those who choose to elaborate on their opinion (rather than just give you a yes or no), may give you something to think about.

 

Some people think it's ok, and some don't. Neither one is wrong or right, it's a preference. You just have to decide if it's something YOU are ok with... If not, I'm sorry but I disagree with just "doing it to make her happy". You're not overspending on a pair of shoes here for her, you're allowing another man to have sex with her. Not exactly something you can just do to make someone happy...

[Oneironaut]

You're right. It's ok to have sex with other people when you're in a committed relationship, majority or not. Just as long as at least one person's opinion says so. What was I thinking.

 

FYI, we're not talking about "fantasies" here. This guy's girlfriend went BEYOND fantasy as she's VOICED it and asked for it to be done. It is no longer a fantasy, but a request.

 

Oh and another FYI, I was replying to the person I quoted, not the OP. So my whole comment was towards that person... And those are my opinions anyway, regardless of whether it plays in Peoria.

 

Actually, it IS OK to have sex with other people when you're in a committed relationship, as long as both parties are consenting. As I said before, I am fully committed to my boyfriend and hope very much that someday we will get married and grow old together, but do I want to play around on the side, with his permission? Yes, I do, and since he's more than OK with that, there's nothing wrong with it, so, I don't know what you were thinking.

 

As for her asking, it amazes me that anyone wants to fault her for voicing her feelings. I mean, we constantly tell people they should communicate their feelings in order for a relationship to be healthy, and as soon as she does, suddenly she's the bad guy, lol...shame on her for trying to be open.

 

Obviously these two have different opinions on the subject, and if she feels strongly about it, she will need to find someone who is alright with it, because it appears the OP is not. And that's certainly his right, everyone has different tastes. But human sexuality is far too varied for there to really be a "right" or "wrong" as long as there are consenting adults involved.

 

While those who hold more value in relationships (not that the previous don't) will say no.

 

LOL...by using the word, "more", you are very specifically saying that the previous hold "less".

 

Thanks for the judgment call, but I very much value my relationship. He and I are turned on by the idea of me being with other men, while he participates, and that has zero to do with how much we "value" our relationship. Being turned on by something is not an indicator of how much importance one places on one's relationship, and in fact, I would submit that we actually value our relationship MORE than others because we are allowing each other the freedom to explore our fetishes, rather than trying to keep each other inside the box of society's accepted "norms".

 

Just my opinion.

[asdf02932093]

While I respect your point of view Oneironaut, it is not the sex that men fear (i.e. if my gf wanted to have an anonymous 3some with another guy that we never had to see again, I wouldn't care as long as it was safe-sex), it is the fear of being replaced. I mean I am sure there are some men that fear their women being despoiled by anyone but themselves, but I think the fear is mostly, "what if she enjoys it so much that she falls for this other guy?" There is no guarantee that it is just sex, even if both parties agree about it. The infidelity forum here makes that plain enough.

[Brownstone322]

While I respect your point of view Oneironaut, it is not the sex that men fear ... it is the fear of being replaced ... I think the fear is mostly, "what if she enjoys it so much that she falls for this other guy?"

Speak for yourself. No such fear here.

[greywolf]

Of course it's different. She told him about it.

 

People fantasize about things all the time. That's no big deal.

 

Telling your SO about your fantasy might be a big deal, might not. Would you feel comfortable if your SO told you he wants to have sex with you blindfolded? Very likely that would be fine. Would you feel comfortable if your SO told you he wants to have sex with your best friend? Maybe not. Would you feel comfortable if your SO told you he wants to pee on you during sex? For most people, probably not.

 

I see OP's case as somewhere in the middle.

 

There's a difference between fantasy and actually wanting to do something. Honestly, none of those things would bother me if it was just a fantasy. A lot of people do want to live their fantasies, but I would say that the majority of people don't think it's worth ruining a relationship over it.

[asdf02932093]

Speak for yourself. No such fear here.

 

lol brownstone the point of my post was not to say that all men are afraid, but that I think the those who are fear more about getting replaced than simply someone else having sex with your S/O (i.e. one can be cool with the idea of just sex, but the fear is that it might turn into something more).

 

Good for you tho

[hexaemeron]

Speak for yourself. No such fear here.

 

This confirms a long-held belief of mine. That for a lot of people, monogamy is nothing more than a self-confidence bandaid.

[banal]

So where exactly is this line that's drawn between what's ok and what's not ok? So... if she voices it, she's ok? I'm having a hard time imagining most of these posters having their significant other asking them "Hey, can we get another guy/girl in here?" and them replying with "Sure! No prob! Since you asked and all..."

 

This was my point. If you put a thread in "Relationship Conflicts" titled "My boyfriend wants a threeway with a woman," almost all of the responses would tell the poster to dump him.

[hexaemeron]

This was my point. If you put a thread in "Relationship Conflicts" titled "My boyfriend wants a threeway with a woman," almost all of the responses would tell the poster to dump him.

 

That's because culturally, women aren't supposed to like sex or sexual things and any inference of actually liking sex = being a * * * * * . Reinforcing that is just sad.

[Brownstone322]

This was my point. If you put a thread in "Relationship Conflicts" titled "My boyfriend wants a threeway with a woman," almost all of the responses would tell the poster to dump him.

Which begs a question: "So?"

[banal]

That's because culturally, women aren't supposed to like sex or sexual things and any inference of actually liking sex = being a * * * * * . Reinforcing that is just sad.

 

You'll notice that I changed the OP's sex in my example. It's not an issue of gender.

[delicous]

Id get a dildo for her

[gilfer]

conclusion

 

if a woman requests a threesome with another man and the male partner refuses its his fault

 

if a man requests a threesome with another woman and she refuses its still his fault

[FathomFear]

Also, I bring this up in a lot of my posts, but age has a lot to do with it. As people grow, these "experiences" no longer become important to them, and things like commitment and more important life experiences become more important than sexual ones.

 

To be completely honest with you, my experience has been the opposite. Most of us, at least in North America anyway, are raised to believe that monogamy is the default "norm" of how a relationship should be conducted. I have friends who used to be monogamist zealots when they were younger but are much more liberal now. But I suspect trends of this nature will vary by region.

 

Ultimately I think this comes down to relationship compatibility. Some people believe the world is ending if their partner even fantasize about anyone else, and some people are fine with fully open relationships. The trick is to find someone who is on a similar wavelength so you don't have clashing values.

 

Personally speaking, I'm not a fan of monogamy in the sense that I think it's rather silly and unrealistic to expect that our partners will magically stop finding other people attractive just because they're in a relationship with us. The OP's girlfriend very well might love and treasure him dearly. That doesn't mean, though, that she wouldn't enjoy being penetrated in five different directions at the same time by a group of hot guys. It's more than likely a fantasy or desire she's had long before engaging in a relationship with the OP. I don't see how or why it would suddenly disappear just because she's dating someone now. It's a fantasy/experience that one person could never provide her just by its very nature.

[Fudgie]

I think it's possible to be monogamous and still find others attractive and fantasize about them. As long as my partner doesn't act on those fantasies (and if he shares them with me, I will listen and won't flip out at him because they are just thoughts) then it doesn't matter.

 

I think it's entirely possible and realistic for many people to be monogamous with someone that they love and love to be with. It's NOT realistic for that relationship to thrive when both people are constricted and not supposed to fantasize about anyone else, find anyone else attractive, express fantasies, etc. That's what I find unnatural.