Done with online dating

[NG85]

I've posted a few threads before about my experiences with online dating. The negatives have REALLY outweighed the positives the past several months, and after several lackluster dates, I decided to throw in the towel.

 

The month of July alone I've been on dates with 3 women, all met through OKC. The first girl was really interesting and we had a lot in common, and we flirted a ton via text before meeting. But when we did meet, she seemed really really shy and withdrawn, which made me clam up a lot, too. We talked a bit a day or 2 after, and she said she didn't feel sparks. The next two girls were alright, and at the ends of the dates they both said they wanted to see me again. Tried getting in touch with them to set something else up, and no responses from either.

 

The straw that broke the camel's back was Friday night, though. A girl who messaged me initially on OKC asked me out earlier in the week. We set finally set Friday night as the night to meet up. We did some light flirting via phone and she seemed really cool. Then Friday I sent her a text to confirm the date and time, and she dropped a bombshell - She had gotten back with her ex-bf and wouldn't be coming out. I'm really glad I sent that text - I'd have been so mad if I got all the way there and she didn't show up, or dropped that bombshell in the middle of the date.

 

But that night I decided not to wallow in misery. I invited a bunch of friends over to hang out, and a few girls came along with them. I'm pretty sure they all had boyfriends, but it gave me a chance to work on my bantering skills and do some light playful flirting. It got to the point where the girls were coming up to me to hang out and we'd have some cool conversations, and they wanted to come back and hang out again - Who knows, even if they are taken they may bring some cute friends with them.

 

That's when I realized my problem with online dating - It's so impersonal, and the tangible aspect of having a person standing next to you to talk to isn't there. I really believe that a lot of attraction can't be conveyed through a profile and a picture, and that you really can get "vibes" off a person. I know that there are girls on OKC whose profiles I glance over because they don't seem interesting and I don't like their photos, but if I was to meet them in person and I got a good vibe off them then maybe I could consider asking them out.

 

It's because of this impersonality that all of my OKC dates have been pretty awkward. I met my last long-term girlfriend on OKC, and we just clicked the instant we met, but ever since we broke up last year I've found that all of my first dates have had this strange vibe going through them. I've never met this person in real life before, so that huge "vibes" thing I was mentioning has never been felt. Having a list of similar interests on a profile many times doesn't translate into real chemistry.

 

I also feel that there are so many more games you have to play online than in real life. When I had those girls over my place I felt I could be a bit more outgoing and talk about things that may be a bit more outrageous. They can read my body language and figure out my personality better than a profile ever could. With online dating, I find myself second-guessing every word I put down, because there's a chance that even saying one wrong word could get them to stop messaging you. You're a picture on a website, so it's easier to be cast aside. There have been times I've had pretty interesting in-depth conversations with girls through OKC and they're going well, and then the girls just disappear, most likely because they lost interest or found a better messenger to pursue. But last night, I talked to a girl at another party about peanut butter for 10 minutes, and we were both super into it, and it was just a dopey topic.

 

Has anyone else here had any similar experiences? Or for people who have success in both online dating and real world dating, how do you think they compare?

[wsim]

Interesting perspective... you make a very good point here. I haven't had much success in dating, period. However, online dating has never worked for me and a complete waste of time (girls disappearing, flakes, games, etc.) I'm trying to meet more people offline. While it hasn't yielded a relationship yet - hanging out, carrying nice conversations with women is most certainly better than exchanging endless messages online to go nowhere. The face to face interaction is perhaps the most important. One of the biggest challenges with online dating is even getting to the point of meeting in person. It rarely ever happens for most guys. A few days back, I decided to give up with online dating as well.

 

There are people who are very successful with finding relationships online though. Not discounting that by any means.

 

Women can be a lot more pickier online, due to the many messages and interest that they receive. However, in a real life setting, they would more likely be more open to giving average guys a chance.

[SilverFactory]

Good thread. I am in the same boat as you are and wondering if this online thing is worth any more of my time and effort. I was on link removed for 3 months and am now only on OKC. It had been frustrating as hell. So much my effort has gone as a waste. I have sent out tons of well thought out messages and the women do not even bother to say a polite 'no thank you'. So many of them are on both Match and OKC. I just have no idea why they would be on 2 sites when they are already getting tons of messages. I get the feeling that the vast majority of them are there to boost their egos. If that is really the case then it is quite pathetic.

 

My self-esteem has gone down a LOT ever since I started online dating and I am now seriously considering to quit. But at the same time I am wondering where else to meet women. Do you guys have any ideas?

[Shudder]

I pretty much agree with everything you said NG85. also some people aren't honest with their pics. i got along 'online' with this girl who was attractive in her pictures. when i met her she had a massive beer gut and well after like 0.001 second i realized i was stuck with her for at least an hour and it was pure awkwardness for that hour until i could think of a reason to bail.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, it doesn't work for everyone! Back to other methods.

[NG85]

It's really hard to meet girls anywhere else but online if, say, you're a really busy person or live in a small town. I mostly come accross women at bars and various events, but I don't really get out much more than once or twice a week.

 

I also hear what you're saying about how perplexing it is to see girls on multiple dating sites. I've been on this website regarding relationships, dating, families, and personality disorders, and online dating sites are usually a breeding ground for girls who have a few screws loose. Chances are they've burned all their bridges in real life, and have to resort to online dating to meet people. It also tells you something about the person if they've been on multiple dating sites for months and months and are still single. Perhaps they're picky, or perhaps they attract the wrong kinds of guys, or perhaps there's something about them that absolutely repels guys. Girls generally have the final say in keeping a relationship going - If an attractive girl who's on multiple sites is single for months upon months upon months, then I'd stay away from them.

 

Also, many dating sites have serial monogamists. These are girls who are in a new relationship every week with a new guy. There's one girl I've kept on my favorites list because it's so funny seeing her status changing in my newsfeed. One week she's seeing someone. The next week she's single, and she updates her profile. Then she's seeing someone. Then she's single, and updates her profile. Her profile photo is wild, too - It's a photo of her wearing a T-shirt that says "SINGLE!" on it. Good Lord!

[NG85]

I pretty much agree with everything you said NG85. also some people aren't honest with their pics. i got along 'online' with this girl who was attractive in her pictures. when i met her she had a massive beer gut and well after like 0.001 second i realized i was stuck with her for at least an hour and it was pure awkwardness for that hour until i could think of a reason to bail.

 

Yeah, looks aren't everything, but it does tell you about how honest a person is if they can't even post an honest photo of themselves. If they can't be truthful with how they really look, how will you know you can trust them?

 

One other problem I've found with dating sites is it's so easy to create an idealized version of yourself on your profile. You can embellish your profile, take photos of yourself that make you look extremely attractive, etc. Photoshop has altered the way you present yourself to people, as well, and just a few clicks can make you look much more attractive than in real life. One of the girls I went out with had a bunch of good photos of her face, but when I met up with her I noticed something she Photoshopped out of her pictures - She had a big mole on her cheek, and it had some peach fuzz on it. I'm not putting down people with moles, but this girls photos were basically false advertising.

 

Why not leave the mole in the photos? I've read that if you have something physically interesting about you, to leave it in the photos. Like, if you have a big nose, post a profile shot of your face. If you're overweight, post a full-body shot. It may scare away a lot of people, but you'll be surprised how many people there are who like big noses or big guts - I have a big nose, myself, and almost every girl I've seriously dated has said they have a thing for big noses. If a person who's considering messaging you can't accept that you have a big nose or are balding or have a giant birthmark, then they're not worth your time, anyway

[banal]

I've been lucky, I guess. I'm dating someone that I really like and who seems to also really like me. Other women I've met, although I didn't have what I'd call 'sparks' or a 'connection' with them, and I'm not dating them anymore, they seemed like good people overall. I know, operative word is 'seemed' - it's hard to tell after a handful of dates.

 

However, there's nothing preventing you from talking about peanut butter with someone you met online. You make it sound like you have to be 'safe' when talking to women you've met online. I don't know if that's what you mean or intend to say, though, or if you only mean that your profile should be 'safe.' But be yourself regardless and have some fun. The woman I'm dating now...when we first met, I don't think either one of us asked a dating interview-like question. We talked for over two hours about whatever came up. Our conversation began like this,

 

Her: I don't usually have such a caffeinated drink. I'm not addicted to any drugs, I swear.

Me: Too bad.

Her: Too bad?

Me: Yeah, because I'm addicted to crack cocaine, and you'll have trouble understanding where I'm coming from in life without your own addiction.

Her: In that case, I know a few dealers in my town. But you're paying.

Me: definitely.

 

The main problem you're finding, it seems, has to do with regular old dating: meeting people, and having bad dates. Like, if you're meeting and they aren't responding to you afterward, they probably didn't like you or found a reason to not continue dating you. That can happen in "real life" as well. When you get down to it, how is what happened at your house parties - casual and light-hearted flirting - any different from exchanging messages on OKC? It's not as if you've gone on any dates with these women...

[SilverFactory]

I would love to know what you are doing to get dates. Can you please provide more info (you can PM me if you want)?? How old are you? what dating sites are you using? and what is a typical first message that you send out?

[wilyone 11]

I agree that online dating leaves a lot to be desired, but don't shut the door on it.

 

There are women out there whom you are destined to meet. This may sound kooky, but you need to leave open all possible avenues for them to come into your life.

 

If I were you, I would only do online dating when you have a strong urge to do it, and it feels like the right thing to do.

 

Right now, it may be a waste of time for you. But if you get a strong urge to check it out again, don't ignore that urge.

[NG85]

It's not so much that I'm trying to be "safe", it's that the topics of conversation are kind of limited on a dating site. All you have to initiate a conversation with are their likes/dislikes and photos, as outlined in their profile. If there's nothing very interesting listed, it's difficult to strike up a conversation. Sure, it could morph into a conversation about peanut butter, but a lot of times I find myself opening a conversation by talking about movies or books they like.

 

But in real life, you have an actual environment around you to discuss. You're in the same place, so they will acknowledge your existence at some point. The peanut conversation happened because myself and a bunch of people were in the kitchen. This girl noticed I have a humongous jar of peanut butter on my counter. She teased me and asked why I need so much peanut butter, and so I explained that I eat a lot of it because I like it. She then asked me about what I put it on, etc. Then I asked her if she likes peanut butter, and it just snowballed. If someone had typed out a transcript it would look pretty boring all typed out, but in a party setting where we were both using body language to discuss peanut butter it was a lot more fun and exciting. And then the conversation veered off into other subjects, but the environment we were in created a topic of discussion to break the ice.

[Ariel85]

I think you have to consider OLD a supplement to meeting people IRL, and not your sole method. OLD should be viewed as a venue to possibly meet people you wouldn't otherwise meet.

 

I disagree with the poster who said women are there to boost their egos. I can tell you from OLD experience, I got NOTHING out of guys writing me and telling me I was pretty or had a great smile. That talk is cheap and meaningless, and never made me feel any better about myself. I also learned that rejecting a guy online is a huge mistake, as most don't appreciate the polite blow-off, but then take it as an opportunity to blast the women for not wanting them.

 

Anyhow - yes, it can be frustrating OP, but you also have to know how to work it. I would suggest:

 

1 - never engaging in ANY kind of sex talk before meeting

2 - do not spend more than 1 week in pre-met communication and do NOT overinvest in someone before meeting

3 - keep the first meet "brief". Quick coffee or drink is plenty to see if there is chemistry or if you want an actual "date"

[NG85]

I agree that online dating leaves a lot to be desired, but don't shut the door on it.

 

There are women out there whom you are destined to meet. This may sound kooky, but you need to leave open all possible avenues for them to come into your life.

 

If I were you, I would only do online dating when you have a strong urge to do it, and it feels like the right thing to do.

 

Right now, it may be a waste of time for you. But if you get a strong urge to check it out again, don't ignore that urge.

 

Yeah, actually this recent string of dates happened after a brief sabbatical from OKC. It seemed like once I stopped signing in, OKC was sending me tons and tons of emails with potential matches, moreso than before. I also wonder if I began showing up in more girls' matches, as well, because any time I disappear from the site for a while I get a few girls a week contacting me.

[NG85]

Also, a weird observation I noticed today. I still have all my old OKC messages from when I first joined about 3-4 years ago, and what I saw startled me. Maybe it's because I was younger and was talking to college-aged girls, but I had so much more success with my messages. I was unemployed, living at home, and writing utter crap and getting tons of responses - And these girls were asking to meet up with me within 3-4 emails! In fact, according to this, I first got in contact with my last girlfriend 2 days after signing up, and all the other girls I met on my first run through were contacted within a month. I also looked at the timestamps, and these girls would respond to my messages within about 3 hours, tops. Now it seems like every girl is playing that game where you have to wait a day so you don't look desperate. I'm also lucky if I can get 10% of my messages responded to, or more than 3 ongoing conversations per month.

 

I wonder if maybe I was doing all the right things to begin with when I started out. Or maybe younger girls are less likely to play games. Because now that I'm in my mid-20's, it seems like all this is just one giant game. As the guy I will more than likely never be the one being pursued, and I also have about zero say in deciding whether or not a conversation via the messaging system will go on past a couple emails, so I have to second-guess and play stupid games to keep things going. It's tough, and I don't feel like I can really be myself.