Total change of feelings after meeting someone new

[SadAndy]

Good morning friends, I have not posted on here for a while as I thought everything was settling down. By chance though, I went to a party a week ago and met a girl who is an absolute 10 out of 10 both personality wise and bodily too. I was laughing and joking with her (she's 27) and her friend who's 21 and quite unexpectedly, could have gone with either. The girl who's 27 is gorgeous and although she had had quite a lot to drink, made it clear that I was staying with her that night. I was stunned (although flattered as women have NEVER appeared that interested in me, I have never been overly looking as I had been with my g/f for 14 years). Turning down the offer of this girl was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made although I knew deep down that morally is was right and I did not want to be guilty of what my g/f had done to me in the past. I also thought that the drink probably counted for it and she would remember nothing of the evening the next day.

Well she diid, and as she is a friend of a friend, she has texted me and made it clear that she wants to meet up for a drink etc.

 

Now for my story, for those of you who don't know me. I was with my g/f for 14 years and we have one gorgeous little girl who is nearly 9. She cheated on me over the last 5 years with a 'friend' of mine which culminated in her breaking up with me about 18 months ago for a younger guy that she works with. She moved him in but 4 months later asked if we could try again as 'he wasn't you' and she had seriously messed up etc etc. She has never been one to talk and has some serious issues regarding what has happened, not least the abortion which she had with the new bloke as 'it wasn't right'. This is by far the hardest decision she has ever made and she is so far from the type of person who would have an abortion that I cannot describe. Anyway, we got back together for 6 months before I moved back in last Decemeber and didn't tell our daughter until then incase it didn't work.

Now is the 12month anniversary of the abortion and she is in a bad place with it but again doesn't really want to talk about it. It doesn't help that she still works with this younger bloke and he is always texting her etc and as she feels so bad about what she has done to him, she says that she owes it to him to be a friend even though he still wants to be an item. She is very niave in this respect.

 

So, back to where I am. I texted this girl and said I would love to meet up for a drink (with the sole purpose of explaining my situation). I have no intention of sleeping with her etc even though part of me feels almost 'entitled to' in the view of the past. But, I feel like I have cheated and am struggling to sleep etc as a result. Part of me wants my g/f to see the pictures of me and this girl at the party to show her the sort of woman I can attract (it'll surprised her as it surprised me!) And get her to 'stay on her toes' etc. I am not hapy with her still having contact with her ex etc but she doesn't see a problem with it.

 

I can't sleep properly, I'm always thinking of this girl and don't know what to do. I know that she genuinely likes me for my personality and it's not just that she is after something, but at the same time she would be very high maintenance, has 2 kids and is out of my league. This still doesn't help the way I'm feeling and I just don't know what to think. My brain honestly hurts! Please help me again my friends, this is a hard enough time of the year and this seems to have re-opened everything. It isn't that I don't love my g/f very much but I cannot look at her in the same light and cannot respect her for the things she did. I am hoping that these feelings will go away and that trust will be rebuilt but with the younger ex of hers still on the scene, it doesn't seem to be happening anywhere near as fast as it should as she still has the opportunity to do it again if she wanted to, even though when she does talk to me about the way she feels, I know she never would as I can see the torture in her eyes.

 

What a mess. PLEASE HELP ME, feel free to read my previous posts for more info.

 

Thanks in advance my friends.

[d24]

cheating is never right and never justifiable.

if you want to pursue something with this new girl, leave your girlfriend first.

open and closed case in my opinion.

[SadAndy]

Maybe I didn't make myself clear in my post. Cheating is not an option, nor is it a possibilty. Having been on the receiving end of it I know only too well how evil it is.

 

What I am really after is views on whether my feelings are normal, and views on whether I'm on the right path of trying to save what I have or whether I have finally seen the outside world and what is available.

 

My self confidence is on the floor and all of a sudden I'm possibly seen as an attractive proposition by a beautiful woman. Am I right to feel confused or is it more likely to have been a fundamental flaw in my decision to go back?

[d24]

Don't kid yourself that meeting this girl for a coffee would or could be innocent. You've had a sleepless night about it. 99% of the population will agree with me that cheating is abhorrent, so I'm glad you're not considering that. In which case, do not even consider meeting her for a coffee, your conscience is already telling you that this feels wrong before anything has even happened.

 

Revenge is a very ugly act, as is taunting and setting out to hurt someone emotionally. Wanting to rub your girlfriend's nose in your (potential) conquest is really immature, really wouldn't accomplish anything (beyond getting her jealous/mad/controlling/suspicious/etc) and shows that you're not 100% over what she put you through. you probably need to work on that.

 

There is no right or wrong way to feel, it's how you interpret it. If you think opening your eyes to the world's possibility is a sign that you made the wrong decision, that's up to you. We're not in a position to tell you what's right or wrong in that respect. This is your life.

 

Wanting to play games with your gf, and messing with her security is a really immature thing to even consider. I think some therapy to get yourself to a happier place (and to really dive into your true feelings over your break-up and 'reconciliation') would be a really good thing for you.

[SadAndy]

Brilliant answer. Thank you. I found myself nodding in agreement with everything you said. The strange thing is though that is if I was giving myself advice I would be telling me exactly the same and yet for some odd reason I felt the need to post this morning, when deep down I guess I knew the answer if that makes any sense.

 

I guess after being on the end of what feels like meaning very little to someone very special to me, I'm flattered by the attention. Its just upsetting I guess that I didn't mean as much to my g/f when she was in this position!

 

Thanks again though.

[East4]

I would text this new girl that you appreciate her company and would like to meet her again, but you are already in relationship. She would look up to you as a honorable man. Most certainly her attraction for you will dial up. And I would leave it at that for the time being.

 

Then next thing I would do is require from my girlfriend to cease ALL contact with her ex. This is absolutely disrespectful to you! Hellooo, she cheated with him, and you are accepting him as her "friend" ?! Do not let her fool you that she is in contact with him, because she doesn't want to hurt him. I bet she is in contact with him because she has unfinished emotional business with him. You better wake up and see things for what they are. I am woman I know. I would only keep in contact with an ex, if I still have feelings for him. Well, as I said if your girlfriend complies with your request and you see that she puts an honest effort to make the relationship work-that's just excellent and also for your 9 y.o. daughter. If she refuses to cut contact with her ex-well, then you have your answer. In this case I would immediately cut my losses and go for a coffee with the lady you met recently. You should not preclude that she would be high maintenance, sometimes good looking women have nice personality too. You do not know her sufficiently well to draw a conclusion like this.

 

Hope that was useful, good luck.