Is there anything i can say or do to change her mind?

[truelove]

WHAT A MESS....I feel so depressed. Im 22 and i have been with my ex girlfriend for 4 1/2 yrs who was my first true love (and likewise for her). we spoke on the phone many times a day even if there may have been nothing to talk about. we were so open and relaxed with eachother. she has always expressed her feelings for me even though i went through a phase when i found it hard to do so myself, even though i have always loved her very much. only recently i slowly began to do so... just before things went horribly wrong.

 

about a month ago she told me that she met a guy that she really clicked with and began to feel torn between the two of us. she said she loved us both in different ways and was deeply confused. she couldnt believe herself that she felt she was falling for him and wished that if i had expressed my feelings just a little sooner, she wouldnt have been in this mess.

 

i told her she had to pick between us, she chose me (she told me that she couldnt bear the thought of loosing me) and broke it off with him. but she just couldnt seem to lose him either and i found out she got back with him. she just simply wasnt able to choose so she ended up seeing him without telling me, even though we recently spoke about marriage and a happy future together.

 

as probably with most ppl, i have found out just how much in love i am with her and cannot bear the thought of loosing her. she is perfect. stunning looks, kind heart, intelligent and very generous. i simply KNOW i will never get over her because she has EVERYTHING ive ever wanted in a girl. she is a part of my life and my heart. out of the blue, she said she feels pressured and needs space to breathe. then she snapped and told me that she thought the relationship had run its course and it would be better to end it. this was not her attitude a few days ago. she's still coming to see me tomorrow and i simply dont know what to do!!! i would do anything to win her back. what should i do?? i suggested a break which she is OK with. but is there hope? is there any chance that she might one day choose me over this new guy she feels for? we have so many memories behind us.

 

im really scared to do the NC thing, yes she might miss me but it might be just what she needs to help her accept things.

 

or should i suggest staying friends? ,maybe there is more hope this way.

 

and also is there anything i can say or do tomorrow that may help to change her mind?

 

Many thanx... one very depressed guy.

[evepm]

Dear truelove:

 

You said that you had trouble expressing your feelings towards her until recently and when you did that's when things started to go wrong. Doesn't make much sense on her part but maybe she liked the way things were.

 

You also said she was the perfect girl but how can she be perfect for you when she allowed herself to have feelings for someone else, agreed to break it off with him and then saw him behind your back?

 

It is natural for you to feel that you will never get over her because you two were together for so long and she was your first love. Everything is real raw and new for you right now so of course you would feel scarred to lose someone who has been such a big part of your life. Implementing no contact can be very scary, especially if you are looking for the end result to be reconciliation with her.

 

If she is comfortable with taking a break and just being your friend, than I highly recommend that when you see her tomorrow that you keep it on a light and friendly level. See what happens tomorrow and take it from there. Keep me up to date. I wish the best of luck to you.

 

Take Care,

Eve

[otrebla]

It's funny, I'm seeing you as a kind of mirror reflecting my situation. One thing, Why should we think in our ex coming back with the tail between the legs after lying and not being capable to ignore temptation? they left when they "loved" us, My ex gf dumped me when just the night before she had told me that she loved me.

What we need to get back is not an ex, it's dignity!! if we are there for them we are gonna fall in the same mistake we did, and they will leave us for the next moron they like, and us? what about us?, We must give them a lesson, we must become the dumpers in heart, if they see indifference in us, they will regret their decision, and come back crawling.

Don't let her take you for a friend, let her see her loss, I'm not doing NC, I'm doing now GTH for I don't want to know anything about her.

Maybe you are in the first stages, and ignore me for saying these things but, I was her friend for a week and now she's ignored me, that's ex-now-friend's destiny.

You shouldn't love your otherself, you should love yourself, and nobody else.

[chai714]

I've been in your shoes before. While I can't give you much advice, I can tell you one thing for sure - DO NOT talk about the relationship. Keep it light, make her laugh, and basically show her (not tell her) that you are her emotional fulfillment. Over time, she might realize this (once she starts relying on you for her emotional fulfillment) and come around again. In my opinion, I don't think you guys are even together, since her actions prove this. Don't mention this other dude she's seeing, just keep it cool, calm, collective. Until she's ready to commit to you and only you, is when you tell her to lose this other guy (if she already hasn't by then).

[truelove]

dam im getting quite nervous about tomorrow. to keep me occupied and to try to win her back im drawing an artistic portrait of her (i know.. really soppy but i thought i might aswell put my one decent talent to good use.) is it a good idea?

if i finish this... just wondering whether i should give this to her tomorrow or after a short break?? (she's going away next week for a couple of weeks so i thought it would be a perfect opportunity to take some timeout)

and if i give it to her in a few weeks.. should i hint that ive got something for her and keep her mind on it or just surprise her?

[yy99]

I agree with EvePM.

 

I am actually going through something similar right now. It will take a while for you to get over her. Remember, she is the one cheated on you. Took me a week to realize I should be angry, not begging her to come back. You deserve someone better, someone who really loves you. You don't want her back right now, because nothing is changed. She will still cheat. Go improve yourself, do what you want to do in life. Let her come back to you on her own, she will realize that you are the best she ever had.

 

Keep in simple tomorrow. Calm and cool, let her remember why she was attracted to you in the first place.

 

I hope this makes some sense.. Good luck!

[Sad Sack]

This is very similar to my situation. Now I haven't been with my girlfriend for as long as you have, but I still feel exactly the same way as you. We have agreed NC (and when I say NC I mean absolutely nothing) until next week. I'm worried about what is going to happen then. Good luck for tomorrow, let us know what happens.

[rich46]

simply KNOW i will never get over her because she has EVERYTHING ive ever wanted in a girl.

I think you have to stop thinking about her as some kind of Messiah or something. If you carry on like that you will no doubt push her further away. Remember, she is the one who cheated on you with some other guy! As is usually the case, the person who has been dumped idolizes their ex without stepping back and looking at things with a clear head. Hence the need for No Contact. No excuses. If you get back with her tomorrow, you may well be fine with her but sooner or later you will resent the fact that she cheated on you. Plus there is a saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I don't mean to be harsh, but you haven't thought about this clearly, which is understandable as she is your first love and you will "never get over her" (your words).

 

I recently split with my ex and that is why I am on these boards. I thought when I was with her that I couldn't live without her. However this period of NC has been great for me as I now realise that it wasn't the perfect relationship, and my life will go on regardless. She was my first love too, so I know how hard it is. She didn't cheat on me but became really distant with me towards the end. So she wasn't perfect. Neither was your ex. So try to stop yourself from thinking about her like this.

 

If things don't work out, YOU WILL BE FINE! You are only 22. There are millions of other girls out there who wouldn't cheat on you. So don't go begging and pleading for her to come back, as she was the one who was in the wrong.

 

Good luck tomorrow!

 

Rich

[Mix Maxster]

Rich has a good point, it's best not to put this girl on some kind of pedastal as that really isn't good for you for one and second it shows to her that you're worshipping her instead of treating her like an equal.

 

I would suggest NOT sending her ANYTHING or giving her ANYTHING unless it's her birthday and you got her a DVD player or something. Refrain from sending anything hand made as that will show NOTHING to her except you're just not "getting it". TRUST me.

 

I don't quite however believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater" bit. As really that's just not the case for everyone and I'm betting that with that kind of behaviour you would never stop for a second and take a look at yourself to see if perhaps you did anything wrong. I mean hey don't go so negative on it and be all like "man i'm an idiot... jeez I don't deserve anyone" because that's not HEALTHY, but going "maybe I was coming off desperate on one or two occasions... I mean remember that time I kept phoning all the time?" like just looking at things that would NOT benefit you in ANY relationship AND WOULD probably cause the NEXT GIRL to cheat on you. Often times if the women you are with FEELS NO NEED TO CHEAT ON YOU then SHE WON'T. IF she's not getting satisfied in one department, she will find it in another guy. IF HOWEVER she has EVERYTHING satisfied and has no problems with you, she will NOT want to ruin it by sleeping with another guy.

 

Girls cheat on wusses, it's a fact. Why else do you think they say they can't explain their behaviour and why they don't cheat on guys who would probably cheat on them. Because the kind of c0cky, egotistical, confident guys we all think of as jerks, don't put these women on a pedastal or treat them like a goddess. IF you think I'm nuts, then fine think I'm nuts. Just don't go complaining on here everytime something goes wrong in a relationship and you keep asking "What did I do wrong?!".

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh lol but I hope you see what I am getting at.

[Angel025]

I have been in a similar situation myself and if I can offer any kind of advice, you only live once thereforeeee make the best of the time you have left on this earth and if in your heart you can't stand to be without her, then be with her. If on the other hand you can't be with her because of what has happenned? Leave. There's always someone else that's better suited for you out there. Besides you are still young. Live a little. You can't be tied up to one person at such a young age. You only live once thereforeeee live your life to the fullest with no regrets. I have had a few regrets and would do anything to go back and chance what has happenned. Mind you I stayed with my guy for 7 years before I kicked him to the curb. it was hard but after a while your heart mends. Just do what is right for you. What you think is right for you.

[rich46]

Girls cheat on wusses, it's a fact.

You make it sound like there's a good reason for cheating on your boyfriend if he is a "wuss." Anyone who cheats on me, whether I act like a wuss or a hardman, will have no place in my life. You can't justify that, and I would always fear that it would happen again. thereforeeee, I believe in the saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater." It may or may not be true, but the fact that this girl has cheated on truelove should make him wary and stop believing that she is the best thing since sliced bread!

[truelove]

i guess thats it. she says its nothing to do with the other guy which i believe is true. it seems that the other guy was a catalyst to make her realise that she couldnt be with me. she realised that she was lieing to herself by trying to convince herself that it could work.

There were also two questions that her friend asked her when she was feeling confused:

Would she be devastated if she saw me with another girl?,

Would she look at other men?

she answered NO and YES respectively. A girl cannot force her heart to be in it if its just not there. she is still the kindest and most caring person i have ever met and i know she felt the pain i went through yesterday. she also doesnt know if she could be with the other guy after what she has done to me.

i guess the question now is "now what"? i would still do anything to get her back but i know it will take more than her just missing me. This is something more than her making an irrational decision and then regretting it. she has searched very deep to find that something for her not to have to make this decision. she would really have to feel that spark with me again. she felt it before when she fell in love, but if it goes after 4 1/2 yrs is it ever possible to get it again?

she was also my dearest friend and i would hate to lose that too. but i also would hate to know how i would feel if she met someone she truly fell in love with.

Is it possible for her to be very very close to an ex (first love) after a long term relationship (i mean by being on the phone every day and doing most of the things we used to do) as friends and then slowly developing strong feelings or any feelings for that person again? has this ever happened to anyone? ANY ADVICE IS WELCOME!

 

also i know i could arrange another deep talk with her about us (because there are so many things i forgot to say) but would this be a bad idea and should i never mention the relationship again?

[rich46]

Hi truelove,

 

I'm really sorry to hear about that - heartbreaking stuff. BUT I really think that you need to move on now. It's natural to think about ways to get back with her, ways to find the spark etc. She has told you in no uncertain terms that you are not the one for her, and thereforeeee she is not the one for you.

 

Certainly don't arrange another deep talk. You've got your answer, now let her go. One day in the near future something will click in your head and you will maybe get a bit angry about the fact she cheated on you. Then you will realise that there are other girls out there who deserve your love more than she does. Right now you are still in the denial stage which is completely understandable after 4 years together. I was there just a few weeks ago. However, I now realise that I will meet someone else one day.

 

So you have to focus on YOU now. You can't keep thinking of ways to get her back. Get on with your own life now. You are 22 and you have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste it by placing this girl on a pedestal. You will meet someone better in the future, trust me!

 

Stay strong,

 

Rich

[Sad Sack]

I'm really sorry to hear about that man. There's less than a week to go before me and my girl meet up for that deep talk after 2 weeks of NC, and after reading your story I can't help but assume the worst. But still, good luck for the future.