Marisa33 Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 I'm really having a hard time with this. But my boyfriend seems to think everything I say he has to compete with. I DON'T compete with who I date, it leads to fights. For instance, if I say running and weight lifting is healthy for you and keeps you in shape, he'll say "Running doesn't do anything". Which for one, I wasn't trying to compete with him just making conversation really and TWO he knows I like to run and am in very good shape. So it's insulting to me at the same time. He will do this with a lot of stuff, I could say "I like to do oil changes in my car every 5,000 miles" and he'll snap back and say "you're ridiculous, that's not right at all" and laugh at me. WTH!!!! I'm just making conversation. I'm a very respectful person and understand people do things differently and I never, NEVER do that to him. If he says he eats a lot of red meat, although I know for me I dont see that as healthy, I think it's good to know what he likes and will say something like "yea meat is pretty good, I wish I could do that". What am I dealing wtih here? I hate that he seems to think we are each others biggest competition!! help Link to comment
Marisa33 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 Another example, one time he called me and I told him I was so exhausted and stressed out, and he said "I do way more than you, I have two jobs and go to school". I mean seriously? I wasn't trying to compete with him I was just looking for him to tell me everything would be ok, that stress happens sometimes, even to him. Link to comment
Ambiguous X Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Your relationship should be a safe place where you are allowed to show vunerability at times. HIS insecurities prevent him from doing that. I would define him as toxic, and a toxic relationship will bring you down faster than no relationship. You need to have a talk with him/set him straight and if he doesn't change you have a decision to make. Link to comment
MissIndigo Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Is he like this with his other friends/colleagues, or just you? I know people like this and it is annoying as hell. Have to have the last word and insist they are right, or trying to convince you that you shouldn't have any worries because your circumstances are seemingly easier than theirs. I usually take a step back and laugh and move on--they're not worth my energy trying to have an argument with. They have to try to bring you down or poke holes in your statements for their own satisfaction and no way am I going to give that! Link to comment
Marisa33 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 He's like this very little with other people, but still I've seen him do it to his friends as well. I seriously just stop talking and when he says "awww are you mad" I just say "no, I just am not having a debate with you when there isnt' a debate there". But he doesn' learn and he still does it. It's getting to the point where I'm getting pi**ed off that I can't just talk to him without feeling like I'm going to get criticized for it. How do you talk to someone who is like this? I'm so compassionate and understanding, i just dont' get how he got like this or what his deal is with me. No one else does this to me. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 I had a roommate like that once. Unfortunately, it was my experience that it only gets worse. I think it's almost an OCD/compulsion with some people to always try to "one up" everything. It's incredibly annoying to deal with, and in my experience only gets worse as the person gets more and more comfortable with you. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 He sounds repellent. How did you put up with him this far? He sounds like a belligerent contrarian. Link to comment
bichin Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 He's like this very little with other people, but still I've seen him do it to his friends as well. I seriously just stop talking and when he says "awww are you mad" I just say "no, I just am not having a debate with you when there isnt' a debate there". But he doesn' learn and he still does it. It's getting to the point where I'm getting pi**ed off that I can't just talk to him without feeling like I'm going to get criticized for it. How do you talk to someone who is like this? I'm so compassionate and understanding, i just dont' get how he got like this or what his deal is with me. No one else does this to me. And why not? Because you choose not to be around people like that. Link to comment
Marisa33 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 I had a roommate like that once. Unfortunately, it was my experience that it only gets worse. I think it's almost an OCD/compulsion with some people to always try to "one up" everything. It's incredibly annoying to deal with, and in my experience only gets worse as the person gets more and more comfortable with you. Super annoying to deal with!!! I feel like he tries to lower my self-esteem by doing it. When I'm smarter than that. Link to comment
Marisa33 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 He sounds repellent. How did you put up with him this far? He sounds like a belligerent contrarian. I know, I have no idea what to do. How do I confront him about it? Link to comment
Marisa33 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 And why not? Because you choose not to be around people like that. you're right...it's my fault. Link to comment
MissIndigo Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 His behavior is immature and insecure, bottom line. Rather than recognize that he could have a meaningful discussion with you about whatever point you are raising (say like what running does, how it makes you feel, health benefits, etc.), or just leave the statement alone if the conversation has run its course, he's trying to dominate it with his short, clipped opinions. Wonder if he can stand that you have opinions of your own or that you may even be right about a point of discussion. It's manipulative and demeaning and you deserve a heck of a lot better. I can imagine he will only get worse. Link to comment
bichin Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 you're right...it's my fault. This isn't a blame game. Try this, "honey I am tired and I just need you to tell me that everything is going to be all right" Make an attempt and see what happens. You can always lose him later rather than sooner. Link to comment
Marisa33 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 I've told him before how I wanted him to respond and that I wasn't trying to debate with him and he just said "get it together". Link to comment
bichin Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 I've told him before how I wanted him to respond and that I wasn't trying to debate with him and he just said "get it together". Then later is now. Link to comment
MissIndigo Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 He needs to "get it together", as in, get packin'. What a jerk response to say to you. Link to comment
Marisa33 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 This sucks, I told myself I wasn't going to be in a relationship like this again and here I am. I need to find the words to convey to him that I'm not putting up with this anymore or I'm gone. Link to comment
Marisa33 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 I have to get back to work, but if anyone has any advice on what to say to him to show I mean business...that would be great. I dont' want to put up with someone who is only going to get worse. Link to comment
MissIndigo Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Honestly, from what you've even briefly told us here, when you decide to confront him, I wouldn't want to do it alone. How's his temper? Are you worried that if you did confront him, that you'd fear for your safety? I had a boyfriend like this once, someone who was quite a bit older than me and played the age card all the time as an excuse to assert that he was always right or cut off my opinions. He tore apart everything I said, I mean everything, all for his own selfish satisfaction for he felt it could wield some sort of power over me. He frankly liked it that I was wary of his reactions. After I stood up to him and said ENOUGH and it was OVER, he was so torn up he couldn't function in other aspects of his life--and a dead giveaway that he put stock into his own self worth from how much he could overpower me. Really, he was a nothing. I never spoke to him again after that. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 From what you've added, I agree that you should be careful. Contrarians are annoying. This guy could be dangerous. I'll guarantee you he's not going to change. The only thing you should say to him is goodbye. With this guy's fragile ego and low self esteem, you never know what he might do when you cut off his control. Have a strong, intimidating guy friend or two around when you break up with him. You deserve better. Link to comment
amipushy Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Next time he does that to you ask him why he does it. Tell him that you wish he didn't do it as it's a really annoying habit he has and that its really starting to get on your nerves. If he does it again, tell him that he is doing it again and that you are not a child to be ridiculed or mocked and tell him to stop doing it. He may not even be aware how annoying he is. If you are afraid of asserting yourself and saying that to him, then you really shouldn't be with him anyway. Link to comment
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