SapphireNoir10 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I've been in long term relationships since I was 17, Im now 21...the relationships seemed to be getting shorter, and I was picking the wrong men time and time again, so I decided the best thing to do to break the cycle was to be single. I've always jumped from one relationship to another without facing the pain and hurt of the previous from fear of being alone. Now Im actually alone. I realise it's not scary, that im not 'alone' because I have amazing family and friends. Im having fun going out with friends, going to the cinema, nights out, hanging out at my house watching movies, spending more time with my sister. Im able to concentrate on things like work, work longer hours, make more money, concentrating on getting my degree sorted out. Getting the futue I want, getting my driving lessons back on track. I never have to worry about texting or calling someone, or answering to someone else. Theres literally like NO WORRYING. So for all of you other single people out there...it really isnt so bad is it?! Why did no one tell me this before Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I've made it to nearly two months. It feels good! And I've met a couple of guys I like but I decided to stay single. BIG step for me. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I'm glad that's working out for you and that you're happy not dating or looking for men to date. It sounds like you are having fun and keeping busy with positive, productive things. I also hope in your next relationship it is of the sort where you don't have to worry about texting or calling someone or answering to someone else. Those types of worries often reflect an unhealthy relationship. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 Yeah, Im so tired of unhealthy relationships. Im kinda trying to 'reset' get back to the healthy, happy emotional state I was in before I started dating my first proper boyfriend who was abusive, every relationship that followed was unhealthy. I want to reset myself BUT take forward all the valuable lesson I've learnt into my next relationship. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I like your attitude! I found I was able to "reset" myself even while being out there dating but I was afraid to take too long of a break once I was in my late 20s since I wanted to marry and at least try to have a child. In hindsight it wouldn't have been the worst thing to take longer breaks at times. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I'm texting a few guys and I've got my first date next week But im taking it casually, as in, theres no reason not to go out on a date, dress up and look nice and have fun But im not taking it as 'oh i must go out with them' I just thought I'd try a date Truth is Im probably just enjoying being single too much, recharging my batteries etc For the first time ever i havent latched on...its amazing. Im not lookin for anyone, just living my life Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 These are all guys that have approached me, most i've turned down, but this one guy is really great, i expect we will probably end up more as friends though tbh, Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I also have vowed to myself not to sleep with another guy until we've been going out for 2-3 months. I recently had sex with a guy friend, not like me, another reason why I want to 'reset' myself. Get back to me with MY morals, someone who wouldnt do something like that, I dont want casual sex I've said I'd rather be completely single, or completely in a relationship, dont like any middle ground 'friends I sleep with' or 'casual/open relationships' Link to comment
greywolf Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I remember feeling like this after my ex-gf and I broke up. I missed her, but I also had so much freedom to do whatever I wanted. It was nice. I was looking forward to being single this year too, but I haven't really gotten to take advantage of it because I've been so busy with school and work. =/ Ah well... Link to comment
rkw Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I remember feeling terrified for the first fortnight after the BU and desperately hoping some wonderful guy would suddenly appear and take me out of my misery...now I laugh at how idiotic I was being! (But I now understand why some people bounce straight into a new relationship after a BU, if the offer was there I'd probably have taken it). I'm also enjoying being single. It's really empowering to realise that I can create my own life, to be able to make travel plans with friends and not worry about anyone else, not having to explain my decisions to him and his family, not having to see his family, go shopping whenever and for as long as I feel like, wear comfy, drab undies if I so feel like it without whinging...I could go on!!! I do worry that I'm not enjoying it as much as I should though. I still look forward to the day I meet a nice guy and start a new relationship. I'm not sure if it's just looking forward to it, or if it's borne out of lonlieness or some other hangover affect of the breakup. Because of that, I've imposed a relationship ban for at least another few months (maybe til the new year), to make sure I'm getting into it for the right reasons and not because I just want someone around. That should also help me sort out whether it's a genuine optimism for the future or if it's something negative, and of course get rid of the feelings I still have for my ex. Of course, while I figure that out, I plan to continue making my life even better and more fun than it is already, and continue to enjoy this new sense of indepedence and the feeling that I can do anything if I try. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 Glad there are others that feel the same. I dont feel too bad that I made the one slip up with a friend. Afterall, im new to this, one slip up in nearly two months I can forgive myself and learn from it. Casual sex NOT For me. Long relationships and loving sex ARE for me. I'll either be completely single OR with someone. Link to comment
equinox Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 There are a few massive advantages to being single. A few I'd list would be: No money being spent on dates. No worring about a wide varity of issues. Much more free time. Less stress. Of course with the right person, these seem less important but I've been with my current gf for less than 2 months and I already miss these things. Not a good sign Link to comment
Rangafro Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Granted I am the type of person that tends towards aloneness, I share a similar attitude. I originally wanted to take some alone time after my last break up, but that was about 18 months ago. I've been past that stage for some time now and it's not even a factor in my life anymore, but I'm left wondering what am I really missing out on anyway? Ideally yes a relationship shouldn't get in the way of you living your life to the extent you deserve, but in principle it does redirect your energy. Sure you get something out of it, but I certainly do feel at odds with what feels like the prevalent expectation that happiness is only fully realised in having a partner. Link to comment
rkw Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Glad there are others that feel the same. I dont feel too bad that I made the one slip up with a friend. Afterall, im new to this, one slip up in nearly two months I can forgive myself and learn from it. Casual sex NOT For me. Long relationships and loving sex ARE for me. I'll either be completely single OR with someone. I'm glad you've forgiven yourself and you did learn something about yourself after all. Everyone makes mistakes ESPECIALLY when are emotions are going crazy. Are you still friends with the guy? A couple of my friend's have endorsed casual sex as a way to "get over him" but I'm the same as you, it's either a relationship or nothing. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 We were friends and we liked eachother, then we slept togethe and i realised im not ready to be with anyone. He understands and were friends again now so its not too bad. I forgive myself for one mistake in 21 years when it comes to sex, but now im having all or nothing. No more casual sex. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 I never had casual sex but I was happy to date someone casually to see if there was potential for exclusivity - many people need time to get to know each other by dating before deciding to be exclusive. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 Yeah I've only had casual sex once and I never would again I felt cheap and horrible and its not for me AT ALL I went on a date last night with a complete gentleman, he was VERY Good looking, well off, kind, gentlemanly, paid for everything. But hes so busy with work and so am I we've decided to go on dates whenever we're both free and just see 'where it goes' Thats perfect for me at the moment. Link to comment
gingerlemon Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I'm in a relationship now, but I loved being single when I was single. I love the freedom (in different ways), I'm fine with my own company, and have enough good friends to hang out with when I need to socialise. Just enjoy it! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Yeah I've only had casual sex once and I never would again I felt cheap and horrible and its not for me AT ALL I went on a date last night with a complete gentleman, he was VERY Good looking, well off, kind, gentlemanly, paid for everything. But hes so busy with work and so am I we've decided to go on dates whenever we're both free and just see 'where it goes' Thats perfect for me at the moment. What I learned in my years of dating was that it was lovely to have a first date (or second/third) with someone who acted like a complete gentleman - it usually made the evening more relaxing - I could exhale and felt taken care of in the right way. Here's the however - despite being positive about men - not cynical, not jaded even after decades of being in the dating scene and relationships, I learned also that I needed to differentiate between what it meant to behave like a gentleman on a date and what it meant to have the character and integrity of a good person. The gentlemanly behavior never was a negative of course but I learned not to make assumptions about whether it had any relevance to the qualities of character and integrity in a relationship. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 Oh yeah absoloutley. You make a very good point. I've made it clear im not after casual sex etc, that i want to get to know him, and hes happy on taking it slow and just dating and hopefully in a few months time when his workloads less it MIGHT become more. Who knows? My options are still open and im still single Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Oh yeah absoloutley. You make a very good point. I've made it clear im not after casual sex etc, that i want to get to know him, and hes happy on taking it slow and just dating and hopefully in a few months time when his workloads less it MIGHT become more. Who knows? My options are still open and im still single I have never met or heard of a man who passed up an opportunity to get to know a woman because of his workload unless he was going to be out of the country for several weeks at a time over a year or more --- and even then. He is either not available for/interested in a relationship with anyone right now or doesn't see you as a good match. And if it's the latter, please understand that that's nothing personal about you - he doesn't know you - he just might have a different idea of the type of person he clicks with or it might be someone else he's pursuing,etc. Taking it slowly because you prefer to date once a week rather than seeing each other more often is understandable -but it's highly unusual to "take it slow" because of a busy work schedule -even if you work 80 hours a week or more. At least in my experience. It's so smart of you to keep your options open and see this as a once in awhile fun evening. I would put any serious potential completely off the radar and be vigilant about not getting attached to this person. JMHO. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 He didnt write off getting to know eachother just warned me he wouldnt be able to see me much because he'll be working away about 3hrs away in the week and home on weekends. SO he said he'd only be able to see me weekends. He told me he really liked me, that I was the first person he'd felt a connection with or been on a date with in a long time, and last night he text me to ask me to meet him for another date Sunday. BUT NOW hes dissapeared off the radar Arg lesson learnt Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I understand that he didn't write things off. I was referring to his reason for wanting to take things slowly. Sorry he has disappeared -that can happen in early dating. Better to know now... Link to comment
jengh Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I'm going through the same thing, although it's only been one month for me... I'm realizing it's nice not having an ass of a boyfriend stressing me out, emotionally abusing me, making me insane... I did start dating a guy right after I moved to SF, but I broke it off to be single. He was great and all, but I need to be single and re-evaluate my life. I REALLY liked him, but we're still friends and hung out once since as friends. I'm 24 and have pretty much been in some sort of relationship (whether it be a real relationship or a sexual one -fwb- since I was 14.... 10 years of relationships. Time for a break. I guess I took a break at one point where I was single for about a year, but I was still hooking up with someone. This is good for US!!! I'm proud of you Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 Haha i've been on one date, he rang me this evening saying his phone was playing up and he wants to see me tis evening Im going to stay single and date about, dont see the harm in that! Link to comment
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