i HATE my boyfriend's son

[alyssa26]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. He seriously treats his 10 year old kid like his lover. He is divorced and has 50/50 custody. He treats me like I don't matter when his kid is around. I understand that his kid should be #1, but this is ridiculous. this kid manipulates his dad and finds pleasure in causing problems in my relationship. i've tried talking to my bf but he says i am wrong because his kid is only 10.

 

His kid sleeps in bed with his dad. This kid has some mental issue I'm sure because he can't go into his bedroom alone. He cries in the shower because he is scared. My boyfriend uses the bathroom with the door open so he can talk to his kid. The kid plays video games ALL day. He doesn't do his own homework. His dad does it all for him. He lets him eat ice cream for dinner and never any of the good food I prepare. My boyfriend claims he is broke and has no money so if I want to go out, I have to pay, yet he still showers his kid with whatever he wants. We barely have sex anymore, and when we do it's not enjoyable because the bedroom is like a shrine to his kid and pics are all around on every wall. I sound like a * * * * * , but I don't think I can take it. My boyfriend told me he was having his kid sleep in his own bed, but I caught him in a lie about it. Should I leave him? I have a son too. His son is mean to my son. My boyfriend doesn't discipline his own kid but expects me to punish mine. He makes no effort to be involved with my son, but expects me to kiss his son's ass. Things weren't always this bad. We used to get along great. Now we argue all the time. About everything.

 

He could care less if we get time for us. Me makes me feel like I'm just filler for the time he doesn't have his kid. I love him, but I'm tired of being last. Not second, but last. Everything comes before me. I love my son too, but I treat him like a parent, not just a friend. I'm tired of being ignored and I'm tired of not feeling important EVER. regardless of having a kid, i should be a priority sometimes! our plans should be important too, not cancelled if something better comes along every single time. i don't want to feel like i'm sleeping in his kids bed when i am allowed to spend the night when his son is with his mom.

 

and one last issue is that my son is not allowed at his house. my mom watches my son for days at a time so i can spend time with my boyfriend. i know that is wrong. i am being selfish. but i feel that if i didn't do that, there would be no relationship since he makes very little effort. but then again, i live with my parents and he has a house of his own. i am definitely the black sheep in my family, so any excuse to not be at home i try not to be here...

 

BUT the problem i'm having is with me i suppose. WHY DON'T I JUST LEAVE HIM? we've been playing the maybe we should break up game for months, yet for some reason i can't let go. besides just breaking up, which is what everyone tells me to do, what can i do???

 

after re-reading this post i sound like a lunatic. maybe i'm the sadistic nut.

[annalisa84]

Why on earth is your son not allowed in his house?

So what do you do? Every time you go to see your bf you leave your son with someone else?

And this arrangement is normal in your mind?

I wonder what is your child feeling about this.

 

I don't know why your son is not allowed there but IF it is your bf request, then you really are incredibly selfish. Then you need to walk away right now and find someone better for you and your son, someone who appreciates both of you. IF it is your parents or your child's father's demand, then I guess you need to talk with your bf and tell that he need to accommodate also your and your son's needs. If you are making an effort to bond with his son, he should do the same for you. The idea is to build a realtionship not to make his life easier.

I mean what are you thinking..that years from now you are all together and your son would feel such an outsider?

[dramallama]

The question should be, why is your boyfriend allowing his son to play video games all day? Or eat ice cream for dinner? Or sleep in an adult's bed? That's not manipulative. Children can only be manipulative if parents allow it.

 

I think it would be worth asking yourself whether you and your boyfriend's lifestyles and parenting habits are compatible.

[Seraphim]

I agree, it does not sound like parenting styles are compatible and the fact he does not allow your son over is a HUGE issue. Please don't make your son second fiddle to this man. How YOU are feeling now about being last is how your son is feeling when he gets left behind for you to go spend time with this man.

[Cadence44]

I agree with DramaLlama. I think you are projecting your anger and frustration with your boyfriend's parenting style onto the child and that is not fair to the child. It sounds as if the father has overcompensated guilt (justified or unjustified) of the divorce by not setting limits and promoting the healthy emotional development of his kid.

 

Don't hate an innocent child who has enough problems of his own when the issue causing you distress is clearly the father.

[Seraphim]

^^ There is this too, how you feel about the father's parenting style should not be reflected on his son. No 10 year old is really in control of anything.

[CatsMeeoow]

It almost seems extreme to both ends with each of you as parents... one who can't close a bathroom door to be separated from their kid and one who leaves their kids for days with someone else for self gratification.

 

I realize I may be over simplifying things a bit but don't you see it? What's attractive at all in a man who won't include your son??? Do you see yourself marrying this guy and then just giving your son away or perhaps just visiting him on Wednesdays? If a guy isn't willing to accept you have a child and want to get to know that child he isn't going to have a change of heart once he is married to you. If he was really into you he would be going all out to get to know your son.

 

I think its time to upgrade to a guy who really wants you... all of you... children included.

 

Good Luck

[lavenderdove]

Some parents have such an enormous amount of guilt over a divorce that they just let their kids have anything they want in order to try to please them and not lose their affection. The kid starts running the show, which is not good for the kid or the parent, but the parent is so scared of losing the child's affection that they just give in on every topic.

 

It's really not normal for a 10 year old boy to sleep in his father's bed every night, and the dad doing the homework and letting the kid eat anything he wants is also not good parenting either. If the kid cries in the shower and has anxiety, then he needs to see a child therapist. So the father is unfortunately because of his own needs to be loved by his son, is raising the boy in a way that isn't good for him. I can understand your frustration here.

 

But you shouldn't be aiming your hatred at the son because the father is the problem. He doesn't understand what being a good parent means, nor that his spoiling of this child is probably going to ruin both their lives. This kid will never leave home, and the father may not want him to.

 

I don't think you'll ever be happy in this household, and you do have to think of your own child and if you can't blend as a happy family, there is no point in continuing with this relationship. I would sit him down and try to talk to him about how his kid needs therapy and he needs to start acting like a parent rather than catering to the child, but you've probably already had those discussions to no avail.

 

I think you just have to recognize that this is a toxic situation between him and this boy because he is deifying the child in order to feel good about himself, and this just isn't a healthy situation for anyone, because from the sound of it, you'll never be free of this kid because he is so unhealthily enmeshed with his father and the father likes it that way.

[mfan]

This man's and his son's relationship will take a lifetime of hard, painful, constant work to become normal again and it's not worth your involvement! You did a great job [alyssa26] of listing all the amazingly beyond-ridiculous aspects of the situation. Don't get yourself involved in a lifetime of this!

[oldenoughtoknow]

You need to let this go. You need to leave this relationship. This guy's household is a trainwreck. He's showing you no respect, let alone prominence. You deserve much more. And your son deserves much more.

[tresqua]

You want to know the main reason second marriages fail?

 

The children from the prior marriages and conflicting parenting styles.. throw in the "carnival dad" syndrome and the fact that you're a responsible parent, and it's just not going to work. Unless you can distance yourself from the situation and he's willing to compromise on some of the things that are adversely and directly affecting your relationship, which is highly unlikely.

 

I'm not saying anything you don't already know.

[Miss Firecracker]

This is the most dysfunctional situation I've heard about in a long time.

 

The father is the child, really.

 

And you are not being fair to your mother, leaving your son with her so much. This sounds hopeless, to be honest.