Collecting my stuff and giving hers back. Should I include a letter?

[DennisK]

I'm going around to my ex fiance's place in Tuesday to give her stuff back and grab mine. We broke up for good a fortnight ago after having a 3 hour talk after a 5 week 'break' for her to think.

 

I'm thinking of including a hand written card inside the box her stuff is in, but not sure which way I want to go with it.

 

My initial thought was to just write some nice positive things, such as that I'm glad of the time we shared, wishing her all the best etc.

 

But the more I've thought about it, the more I want to write about how she didn't take any responsibilty for her side of the breakup and that its not fair that she's made me feel as though its all my fault. I gave her everything and invested a lot more into our relationship when we were together. It just makes me feel pretty angry that during our 3 hour talk, I poured my heart out admitting my mistakes and faults, but she admitted diddly squat. I want her to realise her role in things, as I'm not sure that she'll be able to figure them out on her own.

 

Will the latter just come accross as being childish and trying to have the last word? This was one of relationship faults, sometimes it was a bit of a power struggle.

 

I harbour hopes of reconciliation, as I still love her and miss her like crazy. I so don't know what to do.

[learning2relax]

If you want to leave the possibility to reconcile some where down the road at some point in both of your lives.....if you are both up for it and willing to do so, I would error on the side of caution and don't include any letter at all. You can't make a mistake by not saying anything.

 

I am assuming that she was the one that wanted to break up or that initiated it. She is not going to get to the place where she can recognize how she participated in the breakdown of the relationship until she is far enough past it to move past her justifications and defense mechanisms which are there to protect her decision. Recognize it for what it is, it is pretty normal actually. Move on with dignity and grace and start working through the process of grief yourself. If you do things like write her (or contact her) at this point, it is just more painful and more events that you will over analyze as you are going through the process. Not to mention that it pushes her farther away, provides an ego boost and validates her justifications. Just hold it in. At some point, this will not matter to you any more.

 

I wish you the best. It is tough being on the front end of this process. Hang in there......you will get through it.

[scotsguy]

Do yourself a favour and don't write that letter. What good can come of it? The only way she will accept her faults is to realise them herself. We are all the same in that respect. Such a letter would come accross as childish and will only set back the healing / reconciliation process. Equally a positive letter is unlikely to elicit a favourable response. At best she will read it once and not think much of it. At worst she will take it as confirmation that you need her far more than she needs you and she will draw strength from that. Either is not good for you, my friend.

[Tired Tiger]

Will the latter just come accross as being childish and trying to have the last word?

 

Yes. So -

 

If you want to leave the possibility to reconcile some where down the road at some point in both of your lives.....if you are both up for it and willing to do so, I would error on the side of caution and don't include any letter at all. You can't make a mistake by not saying anything.

 

I'll add another vote here for no letter at all. There's actually a strong message in 'nothing' itself. Part of that message is demonstrating dignity and respect. Any sort of letter (no matter how it's worded) shows you're still attached, which, as counter-intuitive as it may sound, is exactly what you don't want.

[catfeeder]

No letter. Once a letter leaves your hands, your control over its contents is gone. Letters last forever--long after you gain new perspective and regret sending it.

[blackhawks1287]

I contemplated doing this when i initally packed up all of my ex's things the day of the BU, decided not to and am happy I didn't.

 

Then contemplated sending a week or so later....didn't do that either.

 

She can interpret, lie, whatever she wants with that letter and it will do nothing but harm.

[DennisK]

Thanks for the replies guys. I really appreciate it. I won't be including the letter then.

 

She texted me this morning out of the blue. She went to the hospital for a checkup for an ongoing illness and she said that she'd been given the all clear and that she 'just thought she'd let me know'. She'd not initiated any contact on a 'personal' level during the whole breakup process. I guess she was just wanting the emotional support and ego boost of a reply from me. I quickly replied back to her saying that was great news, thanks for letting me know and that I'd see her tomorrow.

 

Looking back, I should have just not replied back at all or at least left if it a few hours.