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I need suggestions as to how to cope with this!


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I posted yesterday under Relationships and received some really good feedback. I would like to know what peiople think about this.


My gf has taken up with my mate as she has reached a point where she doesnt see us being a couple in the fullest form.


She still openly admits she loves me and I do love her too.


She is unsure whether she loves the new guy at this stage although he has professed his love for her.


I used to spend loads of time round at hers with her and her two kids who value our relationship.


We have both said we will be in each others lives forever in whatever form and we do still speak/text daily.


Whilst she has not moved him in he spends most of his time there and I finding it hard to cope with the fact that he is there doing all the things that I saw myself responsible for, jobs, wellbeing, chatting the day through etc etc.


I see my options as follows


1. accept it's over

2. play the long game and keep our friendship going in the hope she realises that she really wants me (or not). She is adamant that we will alwasy be in each others lives and so am I whatever difficulties that may bring.

3. Give it a few weeks/month and just come out and propose to her, move in with her and then work on the knitting together of the two families which will not be easy.


When I think of him there with her it drives me insane. I feel I have been replaced for the wrong reasons and she has taken an easy option as he lives round the corner, she knows him and it avoids her having to go on dating websites or via pubs/clubs to meet people which she is not confident of.


Your thoughts please?

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At the end of the day the choice is yours, but if you are asking from this brief description what to do...


I would suggest and it is the most difficult one but 1. Accept Its Over and initiate No Contact.


Because I really think that you will get hurt if you follow the other options, although considering you are on talking terms, perhaps you could have 1 last conversation with her alone, no distractions and try to determine what you both want.... From there you can decide what to do.

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Thanks for the advice. We have everything intact in terms of a very close friends relationship, we both seem to be hurting over it, she seems confused and has had a couple of months with a few health problems including we think the onset of menopause and a very low iron count. I think she has got herself into a situation where she has hooked up for convenience as he has chipped away. I am not pushing that sort of chat for fear of saying the wrong thing. I have been a fther figure to her kids since their dad killed himself so she keen for me to stay involved with them. I do like the idea of a chat in a week or so to establish whether she thinks we could move back past the close mates/best friends stage. I think we could get there but dont want to lose her forever. We have good mutual friends (apart from the one who has broken the unwritten rule) and I may discuss with them and get a feel for what they think too - they will be honest with me which is good.

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You seem like a genuinely nice person, just try and not to get hurt in whatever process you choose...


I think that you are right, you should discuss with mutual friends who could perhaps give you a insight into what is best to do.... And then when you feel the time is right, have a talk with her and see where it goes...


At least you are on good terms and speak to each other, I dont have the best relationship with my ex and I would do anything I could to go back and change that... Even to just be friends...


So consider yourself lucky in that sense... It seems you mean a lot to her so perhaps with time everything will fall into its correct place...

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Thank you. The last three years of my life have been turbulent in particular for myself and in supporting her. In most normal situations we would have been married for a good while now and looking back that is what we should have done, but life got in the way and what we should have done we didnt!! I am so in love with her and she says she is with me, I just think what a waste if we dont move forward, I do feel very very hurt at the minute, as hurt as I have ever been.

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If you have got another chance, and it seems like you have here, take it... Not straight away but plan it and take your time and see what the best option is, but this time do it!


I have a saying, its better to regret doing something then to regret NOT doing it in the first place... I have many regrets because I did NOT do the things I should have done... And they eat me up inside, that is what hurts me the most....


If I still had an chance to make something of it, and in this case it will make BOTH of you it seems very happy, I would take it, You should take it.... Like you said it would be a waste if You dont move forward, so when the time is right, take your chance...


I just really really hope everything works out for You with her....

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I am prepared to play the long game but the stumbling block is my former mate who now is round there nearly all the time, do i run the risk of him getting his feet under the table so much that it is hard for her to back away from that or do i turn nonchalant and cry behind closed doors and be strong outwardly. I will still see her from time to time and he has been told he has to accept how close we are. I not one for playing games but surely that would play with his head over time. I am convinced that he just a stopgap (and I am being objective here too knowing her as well as I do).

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I personally would not be happy with this going any further, all its going to do is cause more complications in the future... Especially if you plan on sorting everything out once and for all....


I would suggest when you see her one time, to just be open about how you feel and explain how you feel about the situation, tell her honestly and truthfully.


I mean if she cares about you as you say, then she should understand that her being with your former friend is hurting you deeply... If she cares about You, and what You 2 had together then she should in all honesty end it with him, thats if you explain to her properly that she does not need a stopgap, not when You are there for her.... All she needs is YOU.


At the end of the day the decision is Yours and Yours alone of what to do, but do not put yourself through the pain of watching him with her, knowing that she wants You, because there is only a certain ammount of pain a man can take, trust me I know that from experience... It kills you slowly from the inside...


When the time is right, plan what you are going to say, and go and say it.

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I am all for fighting for love and making concessions for difficult life circumstances, however there is a line that should not be crossed: if the other person is involved (for whatever reason) with someone else, that is a clear loud signal for me to stay away!

I understand that you love her and that you have spent a significant amount of time caring for her and her children. But it's bordering on co-dependent behavior if you accept that she has someone else in her life, yet you want to continue to support her and be there for her and her kids.


I also understand that you don't want to upset the kids, but they are not your responsibility they are hers. What you are responsible for is to make sure that you are emotionally healthy and that you don't engage in situations that are detrimental to this.


You cannot continue to be the person she relies on while she is at the same time involved with someone else. You don't have to kick her out of your life entirely, but you have to make it clear that she has to make a choice: either your mate or you. She can't have it both ways.

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Thank you so much for your words.


I am hurting so much at the moment it is untrue.


I think I will get all down on paper over the next few days/weeeks then suggest we have it all out once and for all. I fear the outcome but who knows it may make the rest of my life! will let you know how things pan out

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