Terrified of seeing the other woman in public

[Applewhite]

I take it day by day. So while I know not "everything" is great, I do feel that, based on the number of good days we've had, that everything is going ok for now. Of course it's going to be hard and still take time but I know that it's not perfect and what he did wasn't ok.

 

Ok. I am glad for you that there are many good days and everything is going ok.

[ToF]

Taking it day by day is good in some cases.. But this is marriage, which is supposed to be a "forever" kind of commitment. So I don't see how you can commit to this for the rest of your life while also claiming to take it day by day.

[Moontiger]

Cilantro, I just want to point out a pattern I have been seeing. You create a thread on ENA, 90% or more of the post give generally the same advice, you defend you decision and ignore the advice, then you come back on ENA and create a new thread about basically the same issue.

 

Perhaps it time to try something new. Remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

[Oneironaut]

I suppose that is the difference between you and me.

 

This will be my last post on any of your threads. I was appalled when, on your first thread, where you stated that you had evidence that he had cheated on you and pretty much everyone who replied either said don't marry him or at LEAST get counseling before you do, you became angry, accused us of not "supporting" you, and had the thread shut down.

 

Granted, I've not always liked the advice I get on this forum, but I certainly appreciate the fact that people took the time out to try. You don't seem to be appreciative at all; in fact, you seem more than a little belligerent towards anyone who points out that this is what happens when you ignore your doubts and marry a cheater, anyhow.

 

You say you've had more bad days than good, but in looking back over the other threads you've started since then, I see that you found out he's been talking to more than one female, he's been hiding things from you, you've been getting into massive fights, and you've been physically violent with him. In fact, on one thread, you said you were "stupid" for marrying him, and that "I'm so unhappy, I could just kill myself right now." You also said, " The closeness is gone, we don't engage each other. We barely speak."

 

Honestly, I think you keep saying you have more good days than bad because you're trying to convince -yourself-, but, that's just my opinion.

 

I truly wish you the best of luck, I strongly suspect you're going to need a lot of it.

[Cilantro]

Taking it day by day is good in some cases.. But this is marriage, which is supposed to be a "forever" kind of commitment. So I don't see how you can commit to this for the rest of your life while also claiming to take it day by day.

 

I mean taking it day by day in terms of getting over this. Not my marriage.

[Applewhite]

Think about the bold part! Could it be true? Just to be sure maybe you should keep track on a calendar.

[ToF]

I mean taking it day by day in terms of getting over this. Not my marriage.

 

Well I wish you all the best. I hope it works out to be beneficial for everyone, whatever happens.

[Cilantro]

I actually do appreciate the advice I get from this place. But that doesn't mean I have to take it. It's not as easy as people want to make it out to be. It's not easy to just walk away. Trust me, I wanted to. I really did. But I decided to stick it out and the best I know how to do, now, is take it day by day.

[Cilantro]

Think about the bold part! Could it be true? Just to be sure maybe you should keep track on a calendar.

 

i do, actually. I know that probably sounds ridiculous but when i go to bed each night, I write a note to myself in my bedside journal if it's been good or bad. It's been rather helpful.I've been doing that a few weeks now.

[OptomisticGirl]

It never will go away. When my ex cheated on me I had that fear, over time it lessened and then I DID run into her - twice - and while I made a butt out if myself the first time the second time I held it together with some dignity. Try to pretend she is in the store you fear she is in and act like it wouldn't bother you. It may be a front to begin with but I felt so much better when I acted with dignity - seeing her, grabbing my stuff, and walking away- then the scene I caused the first time because when I caused the scene, it made ME a fool, not her.

[ladyninja30]

LOL that is why I didn't go to a party I knew he was gonna be at with her. It just would have been awkward. A store you run into her at is one thing but a party. It was a party where almost everyone there had known him and I as a couple and now he was among the same people..with her. I feel like people are like wow you got left..for that?! (she's not cute nor nice). I hpe they realize he is crazy and it's not because I got left for the much lesser so I must be bad in bed or something..how embarrassing.

[Applewhite]

Running into her is one thing, but imagine how you would act/feel if you run into both of them, together! Since he has lied to you multiple times about multiple issues before and after marriage in the span of a couple of months, I say this is a real possibility. Are you prepared for something like this?

[OptomisticGirl]

Also, as someone who has been through it I found this feeling was coming from the fact I didn't trust my ex. You want to try to trust them and work on it but the fact is, you can't. And this I believe is how it's manifested sometimes.

[ToF]

Running into her is one thing, but imagine how you would act/feel if you run into both of them, together! Since he has lied to you multiple times about multiple issues before and after marriage in the span of a couple of months, I say this is a real possibility. Are you prepared for something like this?

 

^ THIS. This is the reality of the situation you are in.

[Cilantro]

You all might be right.

[ToF]

You all might be right.

 

In what way?

[ToF]

You all might be right.

 

In what way?

[greywolf]

What would the worst case scenario be if you ever did see her? I know that it causes anxiety, but I have a feeling that if you think about it, there's not much to be afraid of (though it would be nice if we were always rational like that =/).

 

Also, I don't think there is a point for any of us to have an "I told you so" attitude here. Does that really help anyone? =/ Cilantro wants to make her marriage work. She already knows that people think she should do otherwise, but she is choosing to work things out anyway. So why don't we help her on her current problem?

[ladyninja30]

It's not a fear..it's just a gag me feeling really

[John Cage]

Why have you seen pictures of this woman? You could get even by telling her husband that she cheated on him.

 

The root of the problem is that you are not over the cheating... You still can't trust your husband 100% and you haven't regained your confidence yet.

[bulletproof]

Cilantro, I just want to point out a pattern I have been seeing. You create a thread on ENA, 90% or more of the post give generally the same advice, you defend you decision and ignore the advice, then you come back on ENA and create a new thread about basically the same issue.

 

I disagree with this. I think the o.p. comes here asking specific questions about situations that are arising in the aftermath of his cheating, and instead of getting advice on what she asked, the majority of posters tell her she shouldn't have gotten married. It's too late for that advice- she IS married now. And while I would love to think that I would never marry/stay with someone who cheated, I know plenty of people who have and don't necessarily regret their decision. Everyone is different, and she has made the decision to work it out.

[Miss Firecracker]

Did you ever get over the feelings of seeing the other woman? even somewhere else?

 

Now I have seen her on Facebook. It still hurts just like it always did. Only now she is old and wrinkly which does help.

 

It's such a bad subject to me that I will NEVER mention this to my husband. I do wonder if he has looked for her profile on FB. Of course I'd never know if he did that.

[Gerda]

Bulletproof's advice was good. I think you are just worried about seeing her because in a way she is probably on your mind a lot. (If thoughts of your now-husband's cheating are ever on your mind, it means she is also.) When somebody is on your mind a lot (normally it's for different reasons like b/c you have a thing for them) you think you see them everywhere, even if it's irrational. You don't think you see her, but you are constantly anxious about it, kind of the same thing.

 

I think this might be something that you just have to wait out and endure until you have fully accepted husband's infidelity (accepted as in gone through the emotional process of shock/anger/depression/acceptance, not accepted like thought it was okay.) We tend to get really really mad when we can't control our thoughts or force our brain to think the way we want it to, but that doesn't make the process go any faster.

 

Did you say you were only going to couples thereapy? I just figured that even in those situations the therapist meets with each person individually, is that not the case? If not, definitely go for individual therapy if you haven't already. Punching or in any other way physically hurting your husband is 100% unacceptable.

[ToF]

(If thoughts of your now-husband's cheating are ever on your mind, it means she is also.)

 

Gerda's advice was good, and I wanted to point out this statement. This is EXACTLY what I mean about the two issues (your marital problems and your fear of seeing this woman in public) being one in the same. You are trying to deal with them both, which really doesn't seem to be working out very well.

[penelope13]

First, I would try to figure out why the thought scares you so much that you may run into her. Because it would make the situation more real? - It's already real, you are already living the consequences of his cheating. It doesn't matter if you try to pretend it never happened (by going through with the wedding, by only focusing on the good days etc). Closing your eyes to it and forcing a happy marriage is only going to delay your reactions, it's not taking care of them.

 

Are you afraid she is not as good looking, 'nice' etc as you? Are you afraid she is better looking than you? - Her looks don't matter. It wasn't her looks or your looks that made him cheat, but his character.

 

Are you afraid of how you will react in case you would meet her?

 

No matter what the reason, your fear is about something that may or may not happen. That's no way to live.

 

In order to overcome this, I would actually do the opposite to what some posters suggested: I would try to meet her somewhere, instead of trying to avoid places where she might go. You have done nothing wrong, why should you hide yourself or avoid places because she may be there one day?

 

If you know she is going to be at a certain place on a certain time, arrange to be there as well. Take a friend with you. Just face the fear and realize for yourself there is nothing to be afraid of.