Terrified of seeing the other woman in public

[-Sanguine-]

For a long time, I would come on this website and my ex would treat me badly and I'd write about it. I wasn't looking for advice telling me to leave him (which is what I should've done). I was looking for people to tell me that it was okay for him to treat me badly, that what he was doing wasn't actually as bad as I thought it was. I was trying to convince myself that I was being over sensitive and that he wasn't really a jerk and so when people told me the truth - that he was treating me like crap - I took offence to it.

 

What I am saying is that you are not ready to accept the truth yet. You are in denial like I was once. You can come onto this website and people are going to keep telling you to leave your husband and you're going to keep ignoring it... UNTIL you are ready to see it for yourself. There is nothing anyone here can do for you. You don't want to hear it. I understand that, I've been in the same position.

 

Honestly, every comment that you make on this thread, I can see right through. And I say that because I did the same thing. I was too weak to leave him because I was scared to be alone so I would do anything and everything to convince myself that being treated like dirt was okay. It's not. And I know that what I'm saying now probably won't ring true to you for a long time, but one day I truly believe you will look back on all these posts and see the truth in them. I really hope you can just get yourself out of this marriage before you get hurt anymore. Be strong and just end it. I know that's not what you want, but why delay the inevitable? I'm sorry if that's harsh. But it's the truth and everyone can see it but you. That's usually how it works in life, isn't it? Anyway, good luck with everything. I really hope you can work it out (with yourself, not with him - he doesn't deserve it).

[FarthestEdge]

I think you fear seeing her because you still perceive her as a threat to your marriage. And honestly, she is. Because she represents the betrayal of your husband. You still don't trust your husband, you still have not forgiven him, so what happened between them is still a present force in your marriage. And you will get anxious at the thought of seeing her until you are truly capable of forgiving your husband and moving on. Which isn't going to happen until he proves to you that he can be trusted...This seems like a tall order for him.

 

You know, I feel for you. Marriage isn't supposed to be like this, ESPECIALLY when you haven't even had a first anniversary. While I understand how cancelling the wedding must have felt like trying to swim upstream in a raging current, and you chose instead to let the tides carry you, the other posters are right in that you made your choice, eyes wide open, and now you just have to find a way to deal with it. You avoided something that would have felt incredibly dramatic, and publicly humiliating for a short time. Now you see the price for that is you have to instead face something more private, less dramatic, but the pain and humiliation persists and lingers on, with no real end in sight.

 

You need to figure out if you can forgive him, what it will take for that to be possible, and work towards that if you want to salvage your marriage. Obsessing about her is rubbing salt in the open wound. Focusing on her gives you a place to transfer blame. Hating her for his choice to break his commitment to you will not allow you to trust him any more. Understand that if it wasn't HER, it would have been someone else. She's nothing special.

 

I don't know what to tell you, it's a heavy cross to bear. I wish you luck.

[rocio]

Now I have seen her on Facebook. It still hurts just like it always did. Only now she is old and wrinkly which does help.

 

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who takes pleasure in such things. I love seeing the wives of old crushes become overweight on facebook. (I never claimed to be a good person, at least I'm honest.)

[stillstunned]

I wonder if the fear of seeing her isn't in what your reaction will be, but of how bad you'll feel. Being betrayed does nothing for our egos, and there is always the thought that the other person possesses something we do not. And then of course there's the chuckle she might get at seeing you, since she knows your husband had no problem deceiving you to be with her.

 

You're already married to him so you're right, there isn't any point is saying that you shouldn't have gotten married. But I don't think you're ever going to get to a point that you don't care about seeing her. I think you'll get to a point where you don't think about it before going out.

 

If the fear of seeing her is so overwhelming that you don't want to go out at all, then I agree with the other posters. This is your way of shifting the problems away from your marriage. This affair had taken over your life, good days, bad days, or blah days. You should seek individual counseling to help you deal with these issues. You might also want to think about doing some reading on rebuilding your self esteem.

 

Best of luck and I hope it all works out.

[charity]

ultimately of course the OP's husband is mostly at fault but that doesn't let the other woman off either. she is responsible also for causing hurt and anguish to another woman through selfishness and cheating. i know too many women, great lovely women who have affairs with taken men all in the name of 'love' and 'he's the one cheating, not me.' not good enough! we all have a moral responsibility to each other whether we know each other or not. i would never..repeat never...be the other woman. not just because i would feel bad about my coming second but because i couldn't live with the hurt i would be causing another woman in her relationship. however it doesn't make them bad people. everYone makes horrible mistakes, some worse then otherS but no one is exempt from selfishness. SO...... i am going to suggest here THAT YOU TRY TO FORGIVE HER. hard yes but necessary FOR YOU. because NOT forgiving her doesn't hurt her, but it does hurt you.

 

OP you have dealt with things in your own way and of course you are gonna have distrust in your life for awhile now until (or if he ever) he gains back your trust. in response to seeing her, you need to stop obsessing about it as that is feeding all the distrust. i suggest thinking out a scenario in your head where you do meet her, you stay calm and you say without emotion what you want to say. then just try to let her go. think about how when she cheated she must have felt bad in her marriage, she could not be really happy, she couldn't have felt good about herself and even if she did it was only cause something is missing from her life that she hasn't worked on yet. she will learn one day.

 

so let go of her. and work on your marriage.

[Jetta]

When I ran into the woman who cheated with my husband at the time I was about 8 months pregnant and she couldn't face me. I don't really understand why you're worried about running into her, it is her and him who did the betrayal.

 

Divorce your husband so you walk with dignity if it bothers you so much you're unable to otherwise.

[annie24]

Cilantro - When I did some individual therapy years ago, the therapist recommended that I imagine the worst scenario, and think of what i would do.

 

I suggest you spend some time imagining how you would react if she came into your place of work. What if you punched her? well, you would at best, just get a warning, at worst, get fired and arrested. What if you saw her at the grocery store or the movie theater or on the street? What if she was with her husband and child (i think you said she had a child?) Basically, spend some time thinking of how you would react if you saw her and try to deal with those feelings. To prevent something bad (physical violence that can get you fired or arrested), I recommend "playing out the scene in your head" in which you react in a positive, classy way. That might mean ignoring her if you see her on the street. That might mean resisting the temptation to punch her or key her car. If she walks into your place of work, you can politely excuse yourself and ask your co-worker to assist her. basically - come up with your plan of action that will benefit your long-term goals the most.

 

good luck - i hope you work through this.

[annie24]

let me take this a step further - maybe it's time to think about what you would do if this happened again? if you found out that your husband was texting/messaging her, or some other woman, with inappropriate content, what would you do? would you say 'enough is enough'? would you keep trying to work through it? what would be your plan of action? if you divorced, where would you live? if you stayed, would you redouble the marriage counseling efforts?