I need some straight talking advice, and quickly please!

[CrazyMiner]

Hi everyone,

 

My ex GF is coming to the house tomorrow evening to collect all of her final belongings that she has left here. For those who don't know, my ex told me that she wanted to separate just over 2 months ago after an 8 year relationship. She has fairly recently started dating someone new who I believe she has met through work as they both work in similar fields. For anyone who wants to read the back story of the separation you can find my original thread here:

 

So as stated above, she is coming to the house tomorrow evening to collect the last of her items. I sent her an NC/LC letter around 2 weeks ago as we were trying to meet up pretty quickly after the break-up as 'friends' and were meeting every 10 to 14 days or so and going out for a meal etc. In the end I decided that, as hard as it was to admit, it wasn't helping my healing or moving on and I started to feel after a few meet ups that she wasn't really that invested in them, at least at such an early stage post separation. So the letter put a stop to the meet-ups and also said that we should only talk to discuss 'business' things like the house... we had brought a house together around 6 months prior to her telling me and I've decided to stay in it and rent out some of the rooms so obviously she's been interested in how that is going as she is still paying her share of the mortgage as well as the bills (TV, utilities etc).

 

I've got her to agree to come tomorrow evening for her stuff - she wanted to come on the weekend and was planning on bringing her mum, brother, and 2 of her friends, but quite frankly I felt that I would feel as if I was being over-powered if we disagreed on who got different items etc, and plus I wanted to say a proper goodbye. I'm hoping it will just be her coming, though she may still bring 1 friend.

 

Anyway, down to my question. Due to one of the rooms being rented out and her financial obligations in the house being covered, when she has taken her stuff I see very little opportunities for us to stay in contact, or at least have a real need or requirement to do so. There won't really be anything to discuss over the phone/email (the contact methods I said in my NC/LC letter), and as she will be taking the last of her things I can see it being the last time we meet for quite a while, and potentially ever. What do I do?

 

Part of me wants to make it nice and easy for her, helping her pack etc, and then just before she leaves tell her how I still love her so very much. However, the other part of me just wants to make it easy and not apply any sort of pressure and then just simply let her go on her way, which should put accross that I respect both her and her decision and that I wanted to make it as unstressful as possible. My thoughts are that if I tell her how much I love her etc, if it backfires (which I feel it may as she has said previously that she isn't looking for me to change her mind), then the last memory she is going to go away with is that I tried to apply pressure in what was already a difficult and upsetting situation. However, of course if it is going to be the last time we see each other, at least for quite a while (which will probably be the case), then this is sort of my last opportunity to profess my love before she walks away.

 

I don't really know what to do. I've talked it through with myself and also my mum (I know, taking relationship advice from my mum??), and I have sort of decided on just making it nice and easy, helping her to pack, and then letting her go feeling I've respected her decision and hopefully made a potentially upsetting situation as easy as possible considering the circumstances. The last thing I would want her to do is walk away with her last memory of meeting up with me being that I made things difficult, again. I do hope one day to reconcile with her and wouldn't want to give her another bad memory to deal with. Also, as she has started to date someone new, although it is in the early stages, I don't want to seem like a 3rd wheel... a part of me feels that I need to just let her go and explore these new things if I ever want a chance of getting her back.

 

But, on the other hand, I don't want to just 'give up' what could be our last chance of seeing each other, at least for a long while, and not try something.

 

Advice here would be greatly appreciated!

[zaza34]

She left you, she is already dating somebody, she is taking the rest of her stuffs out or your place and she intend to do that with "lots" of help, probably to "protect" herself from you, from an unpleasant situation of talking serious stuffs with you...

So what do you want to do? You do nothing, open the door, smile and let her pack her things and leave... Keep your dignity, because there is nothing more you can do, sorry... I know it is painful, but just leave her... As my grandmother always said, "if somebody wants to leave, the only thing you do is to "help" him/her pack"...

[nutbrownhare]

I can understand the temptation to try and prolong the process, and just not let this really final thing happen, but that's the last thing you should be doing. It will be very painful, but at the moment you have two choices:

 

a) Make it difficult for her; this will mean you will lose your dignity and guarantee that she will never have anything to do with you ever again. And will be very painful. You will look back in years to come and cringe at the things you said and did.

 

b) Make it easy for her; this means you will retain your self-respect. It certainly won't guarantee to bring her back, but will leave the door open to easy communication in the future if needs be. And will be very painful. You will look back in years to come and thank yourself for retaining your dignity and not engaging in cringemaking behaviour.

 

You've lost someone who was important to you, and she's started a new relationship - both of which are excruciating things to happen. I'm guessing that holding on to her property was a symbolic way of holding on to her, and hence avoiding looking at your pain. Now you need to let go of both. Don't cling on to the hope that she might come back to you, or that you can continue to have some kind of relationship with her, because that's very unlikely to happen. Don't look upon her having a new relationship as you letting her and explore new things before she comes back to you - it just doesn't work like that. Thinking it does is going to keep you stuck in a place of despair. Sorry to be so blunt about it, and I do understand your pain - AND why you don't want to accept it just yet.

 

Get as much support as you can from those around you, accept your loss instead of denying it and holding onto delusive hope - and grieve. The more deeply you do this, the more quickly you'll get through it and be able to move on. The near future is going to be very painful for you, anticipate it and look after yourself.

 

(((HUGS)))

[dee1278]

sorry for your pain and loss of such a long relationship, I can imagine how hard it is for you....

But i agree with the others that you should make it easy, not mention how you feel about her as it is not important to her AT THIS MOMENT. That does not mean that she does not love you to some extent or that you two do not have any chance of getting back together in the future.

I am female and I had been in the same situation as your ex ( being the dumper, met someone else, left my bf at that time, etc). So I can tell you that nothing you do or say will change her mind NOW. I remembered my ex tring to make the whole situation very emotional and I resented how he handled it and it certainly had 'pushed' me even closer to the other person I chose to be with.

 

So the only thing you can do is to keep your head up, be polite but not emotional and do not even talk about relationship or feelings with her. This way, she will still have a very positive image of you which may lead to more communication down the road.

 

Try to be strong, act normal, and when she leaves your house, just act normal and do not act as if this is your last goodbye !!!!

good luck

[corgidude]

Having just gone through this, I can tell you right now, it's going to hurt a lot if you help her pack up. I offered to help my ex pack, and even offered to help her move, both of which she turned down. I was trying to show my support for her in her decision to live on her own, but looking back, that probably would have torn me up inside even more than I already am. We've been apart for over a month and a half, NC for 15 days, and I'm still a wreck.

 

Make sure that there's nothing she misses when she moves out... I had to return a few things that my ex missed when she packed, and while it felt great to see her, going home after realizing I'd just helped her finish moving out of my life made me feel so utterly empty inside. I'm not too proud to admit that I got home and had a good long cry afterward.

 

I can empathize with you completely. My ex and I didn't even live together for a year, but when you're sharing your daily life with someone, losing them hits a lot harder. Stay strong, and if you do decide to stay and help her, make sure you've got some friends on call to talk with or hang out with after it's over. I found that the most painful day of all of this for me was when I came home after she'd moved out, and seeing every last trace of our life together was gone.

 

Best of luck to you, man.

[nutbrownhare]

I'm not too proud to admit that I got home and had a good long cry afterward.

 

Stay strong, and if you do decide to stay and help her, make sure you've got some friends on call to talk with or hang out with after it's over. I found that the most painful day of all of this for me was when I came home after she'd moved out, and seeing every last trace of our life together was gone.

This is excellent advice, and having a really good cry is the healthy reaction to this kind of loss. Certainly nothing to be ashamed of!

[dumpee]

I was in a similar position to you in February but I was the one moving out after my ex had bought me out of the flat. We had been together 10 years and she left me for someone else and married them 5 months after the break up.

 

I made the mistake of leaving a few items behind (none of which I wanted) but my ex then used them as an excuse to contact me even though I had told her to bin them when I moved out. Even just last week, 3 months later, she contacted me for the 2nd time about an old motorcycle helmet I had left. Of course, I blame myself for giving her reasons to break my NC.

 

Make it as easy as possible for both yourself and your ex.......and make sure she takes everything!

[CrazyMiner]

Hi all,

 

Thanks for the replies so far.

 

Nutbrownhare - I'm thinking that from your two options, b) is probably the best That is true about by not adding any extra un-needed pressure it potentially leaves the door open to future communication. At least it would be a lot easier than if I crawl on my knees and beg her to come back and her then leave thinking "wow, what a creep he has become", that's for certain! You're right, having some of her stuff here was a way of me holding on to a bit of her (though it's her house so of course she has already been free to come and go as she pleases). Don't worry about being blunt, I was after straight answers to at least keep me on the right path! It's pretty weird, I have been holding in most of my grieving, not letting myself cry full until recently. It does feel better just to let the tears out for a minute or two rather than keep them bottled up, that's for sure!

 

Dee1278 - You're right, the last thing she is going to be wanting to hear at the moment, especially with her having gone on a few dates with a new guy, is me telling her how I feel. She already knows that, I begged and tried to get her back for 3 - 4 weeks so I'm sure she got the message! I know she does have SOME feelings still there for me, she knew I was going to the hospital on Tuesday and so wished me good luck the night before, text me good luck and to call her for anything in the morning (she is a Doctor), and then text me in the evening to find out how it had all gone, which was nice to see. As you mentioned, I am afraid of pushing her further and further away, and am pretty worried that I may have done this irreversably by begging at the start when she was asking for space, but I do hope that by stopping the meets etc, at least for now, that I managed to stop before I pushed her completely away.

 

Corgidude - I get what you're saying about it hurting by helping her pack. But in my mind, I think it would be worse to be out when she was packing and then come home to a house that is empty of all her possessions, sort of the opposite to your way of thinking. There is nothing wrong with crying, I've kept my emotions balled up for too long since the separation and it's only now that I'm letting the tears out, and feeling so much better for doing it.

 

Does anyone else have any thoughts on this or how to best play it out? We always hug when we see each other, but do I say something along the lines of "well that's it, best of luck" (not those words but I think you lot know what I mean), or do I simply just hug her as she leaves and just leave it as we have before, saying something along the lines of "safe drive, speak to you in a bit" and not treat it as the 'last goodbye' as someone mentioned above?

[SethSLC]

It won't hurt worse to not be there...trust me. It's going to be a million times worse watching it then to come home to an empty house.

[CrazyMiner]

SethSLC - I get what you're saying, but I do feel that if I come home to an empty house it's going to hurt one hell of a lot more than if I am here when it's happening and can sort of adjust as we pack things up.

[corgidude]

Only you can really decide which is best for you. All I can say is that from experience, while it's hard coming home to seeing the home you shared together empty of all her things, watching her pack them up and cart them away is even tougher.

 

I came home on a day that my ex had started packing. Until that point, I was pretty much still in denial that I was reasonably okay with things. -Then I got home, and oh man, did I hit bottom. I sat down on the couch, and just stared at the wall. When she came out to talk to me before she left, emotions were running so high, we wound up having a mini-argument. After she left, for the first time, I sat down and cried. It was one thing to know she was going to move out, but to see her sitting here packing up all her things and making the actual move... It hit me and it hit me HARD.

 

Take it from someone who's been there, it's going to hurt. Think of it like taking off a Band-Aid: helping her pack is like slowly peeling it off, and prolonging the pain. Coming home to an empty house will hit you like a punch in the stomach, but the shock of pain doesn't last for hours.

 

I can't tell you what to do, all I can do is tell you my experiences first hand. Best of luck to you.

[SethSLC]

It's not a bandaid it's like sawing off your leg with a spoon. Trust me it will feel like you're being dumped all over again except even more final because the first time all her stuff was still at your place and you could convince yourself there was a chance at fixing things. There is a finality to watching them pack up right in front of you and leave. If you think you still want to go through that, then by all means but don't kid yourself you're choosing the path with the most pain in it for you.

[CrazyMiner]

Thanks for the replies Corgidude and SethSLC.

 

I know what you're both saying, but I think, rightly or wrongly, that I've pretty much convinced myself now of being here when she does it. I suppose which ever way I do it, with me here or not, I am probably going to regret my decision and wish I had done the other option anyway!

 

Another reason that I feel I need to be here is that I've convinced her to now not bring along both herself and 4 others to help her pack and to come by herself, so if I wasn't here she will have lost 4 helpers and will have to do it by herself. The reason I did that was two fold - 1) I didn't want her and 4 others going through all our stuff and was also concerned that if we both wanted to keep something that it would turn into a 5 on 1 argument with the odds not in my favour, and 2) That I wanted to do it alone so that we could just work through everything without others rushing around. If after that I'm not here/don't help all it is going to do is annoy her and make her feel some resentment due to the fact that I got her to not bring anyone with her when she had planned to do so. I'm 99% certain she is coming by herself due to what she said on the phone, but she may bring her best friend, though I'm pretty sure this won't happen.

 

She's here in about 2 hours or so... let the fun begin.

[CrazyMiner]

She came, we packed, she left (but didn't take everything...).

 

I was a bit thrown when she phoned to say she was arriving about 2 hours early and only gave me 20 minutes or so notice as she had finished work early.

 

When she got here she gave a light sort of hug and we got started. She wanted me to help her pack, and to be honest we had quite a good time. As we started to pack her clothes etc in the bedroom we were chatting away and trying to work out what was worth keeping as she has lost a lot of weight. She wanted to try on some of her dresses so she just took her top off showing her bra right in front of me... I wasn't really sure where to look! This is someone I slept beside nearly every night for the past 5 years or so and even though we are separated she is undressing in front of me - wasn't quite sure what to make of that!

 

We started working through each floor (we had brought a 3 storey townhouse about 6 months prior to the separation) and about half way through she said something along the lines of "This has been nowhere near as unpleasant as I thought it was going to be, don't you think?". I hadn't really heard her and when I didn't answer she said "oh, didn't you expect it to be unpleasant?" and I just said that "there was no need to get stressed over it, we didn't need to be upsetting each other" and we carried on, chatting away.

 

Before she left she said she had a bit of a headache and was feeling light headed (she has always had an issue with blood pressure) so I got her some crisps and dip from the kitchen to give her a bit of a carb and sugar boost and we sat on the sofa for 15 minutes or so and just chatted. She asked about my plans for the weekend and next week and she asked about mine. She told me she was heading to Sheffield next week for a few days as well as visiting family and friends in different parts of the country as she had the week off. This guy she has been on a few dates with lives in Sheffield and a) she doesn't know that I know she has started to date 2 months after the separation, and b) she doesn't know that I know he lives in Sheffield. So I asked about what family she was visiting and then to say hi from me. I then asked about Sheffield and what she was up to over there. She said she was going there with some friends for a girly weekend away, and I asked if she had been there before and she said no. This upset/frustrated me a bit as I know she was there last weekend seeing this guy and she lied to my face. Of course she has no obligation to tell me anything about her life anymore, but it was a shame she felt the need to lie.

 

When it came to her leaving, I stuck to my plan of just going in for a hug and saying goodbye. She hugged back, and said something like "thank you for making this so stress-free" and she came in for another hug, and I gave her a quick peck on the cheek. I replied with "I didn't want to make it anymore unpleasant than it was already going to be". She then hugged me tighter, and started to cry on my shoulder, if only for 5 or 6 seconds.

 

I've always been Mr Nice Guy and hated to see her upset, and for some reason at this point of her crying I decided to come out with "hey, don't be upset, you have so much going for you now" and she replied with "oh, so do you" whilst still crying. After a few seconds she stopped crying, I think forcing herself to do so, and said she had to go as her best friend was cooking her dinner. So I gave her a hand getting the last few things into the car, we hugged one last time, and off she went. I wanted to say something like "I love you" when she started to cry as she hugged me, but I think my logical mind stopped me as what I didn't want to happen is that the first time she shows any emotion or empathy to our break-up I go straight in with the romance. I hope I did the right thing...

 

She's coming back tomorrow evening to get the last of the stuff, but I'm away this weekend so won't see her. She wants some of the electronics but doesn't have any room to store them for now until she moves into her new place in a few weeks so will also need to come back then. It's my fault she couldn't take everything as she was going to hire a van but I told her she wouldn't need one, misjudging how much stuff she has here... I suppose when you've been with someone for 8 years and lived together for 5 of those you manage to accumulate a lot of, well, stuff!

 

It was strange. It's the first time I have seen her let her guard down like that since we separated. She is the sort of person who, when she decides on something, sticks to it, and I think this has been the case with our break-up. But yesterday it was sort of like her 'iron curtain' was dropped, if only for maybe 30 seconds in total with the hugs and crying etc. I don't know if it was her showing that she still had feelings - we haven't seen each other properly for 4 - 5 weeks and have only spoken once during that time on the phone to arrange her coming yesterday. Or perhaps it was just a case of the situation of moving her stuff out of our house being distressing, or a mixture of the two.

 

The other thing is, I don't feel anywhere near as upset as I thought I would be. I haven't even shed a tear. After she had left I went to play Badminton with a socialising group I've joined and had a really good time, and even though only an hour or so earlier I was helping this beautiful, intelligent woman pack away her things to leave what was meant to be our dream house, it was the first time that for a space of 2 hours or so I haven't thought about her... is that normal? I almost feel bad about not feeling worse!

 

Some thoughts on how I handled this would be appreciated. I feel that even though she showed some emotion, by me being friendly rather than coming out with "I love you" or "I miss you", I let her show her emotions and not over-show mine as that may have just frustrated her after she had said several times that I had made it so much less unpleasant than it could have been. Why would she have cried when leaving? I need a handbook on all this...

[dee1278]

I think you did well by controlling your emotions. It took a lot of courage and you should feel good about how well you have done ( i know it is impossible to 'feel good' at this moment)

And don't worry too much about the Sheffield guy. You two shared 8 years together and that there is no comparison in that dept, though at this time, she is mostly looking for a 'distraction' or 'novelty' , so let her have it for now. I would not focus too much on that but rather work on healing yourself.

 

IMO, i think it is best that from now on, you stick to NC. Do not contact her, and do not respond to her every contact to you ( which she may). If contact, only stick to communication about handing over the rest of the stuffs. You do not want to be filling the void by staying there for her while she develops her relationship with this new person.

 

the only way you have any chance of reconciliation is by giving her space and pull away.