raims Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 My story is here: showthread.php?t=375712 (sorry I'm not allowed to post URLs) Summary: * I'm 28, shes 21 * Broke up two and a half months ago after 2,5 year relationship * She left me for someone else I followed advice in my thread and went strict NC with her. Managed over 40 days of that while she tried to contact me almost weekly. But it was getting harder for me and I finally caved in and we talked online a bit. Strangely enough I felt pretty good after that. I didn't think about her that much anymore and even started thinking about dating again. About 2 weeks later one morning she sent me a text stating that she was in a certain bus stop that is on my morning commute and she hoped to see me driving by. And from now on she will always use that new route. From that little information I put couple of things together in my head and realized she is now living together with her new bf! In our relationship one of the problems was that she wouldn't live with me for reasons that sounded justified (had to stay home, problems in her family) but she always promised she will live with me eventually. That never happened after 2,5 years but now she has no problem living with another guy after a couple of months! Even with all the red flags with the new guy... She was my first long term girlfriend. I feel so betrayed and worthless... Even more than after being left for someone else. I now feel the whole relationship was a farce. All those things she said (she has never felt so much love for anybody else, there is nobody like me, she will never find anyone better, blah blah) were lies. I'm starting to doubt she ever loved me. This stupid text set me wayy back. I was literally shaking when I read it. Why would she even tell me this? Never responed of course. I've had enough of her texts and calls, I'm going to change my phone number without telling her. And I'm going to change my work commute so I wouldn't accidentally see her. I don't want anything to do with her anymore. So far I had really hoped we could be friends some day or get back together but now I know its not going to happen. Sorry I guess I needed to rant, I just feel like crap. I've been reading ENA a lot and it has been very helpful and I've learned so much. Thank you guys! And sorry for grammar, English is not my native language... Link to comment
trezeralietas Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Your English is quite good for it not being your native language! Don't worry about it! You sound like you are on the right path to healing and it's so good to hear that you are going to change your route so you don't have to accidentally run into her. It seems like you have gotten to a good place where you are ready to move past her. Don't feel worthless or betrayed. It's horrible that she left you for someone else, but what she does or doesn't do with him has absolutely nothing to do with your relationship with her. I know it's awful to hear, but this next guy might just be "the one" for her and she feels that and it's why she moved in with him so soon. There were obviously some issues there between you two which made her not feel that you were "the one" (to move in with anyway). I know it's harsh and I am so sorry. The last thing I want to do is cause you more pain. She probably sent you that message because she was looking to make you jealous or to make you care. (She's being immature and she wants attention and to know that she's sought after and has you as a back up...)However, you have to realize that it doesn't matter what she does or why she does it. You're over it and you're moving past. Get that new number like you mentioned and try to push her out of your mind. Get yourself busy and develop new interests and friends. You sound incredibly strong and brave, and I commend you for that. Good luck! Link to comment
raims Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 trezeralietas, thank you for the answer. The fact that she moved in with him doesn't really bother me that much. Its just that she never did move in with me because she needed to support her mother who has some issues. But now that isn't stopping her moving in with the other guy. But she said many things during relationship (even just couple of months before breakup) that I am her "the one". But now I realize words mean nothing without action to back them up. I know I shouldn't care what she's doing now but still have feelings for her and these things hurt... Last time we spoke we we're friendly. I don't think she sent it to make me jealous, she probably didn't even realize that she gave too much information that could hurt me. She just sometimes doesn't think things through. For example last time we spoke she even mentioned that she considered coming to my apartment to ask advice from me about her new relationship. How immature and inconsiderate is that to even consider? Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I can understand your pain and your feelings. But I think it would help to look at this from my perspective. So she was about 17 when you got together with her? I am going to assume you were the first man she ever did love, get involved with seriously, and all of that. And you were approx. 25? when this began? My point in bringing that up is that to my eyes, that is very young. Very young for a girl/woman to get involved in something where there are such large feelings and consequences involved. Perhaps it is common for that sort of match where you grew up, I don't know. But it is still young, that remains. Why is that important? Well in my opinion, your expectations of this girl, now young woman, are quite high and IMO a bit unrealistic. She was at an age, still is actually, where she is still forming her mind about things. Understanding her place in it. Finding out what she likes, what she wants for her future, etc. You showed up right smack dab in the middle of that process. And being a bit older, mid twenties, understandably were thinking a bit more seriously about things like moving in and the future. She wasn't even OUT of her childhood home. My suggestion is to take this into consideration when you are thinking and feeling badly about how it all went down. If you adjust your expectations, and maybe in the future aim for relationships with people a bit more mature and closer to your age and what they want out of life, and can actually realistically give it, it'll help I think. take care. Link to comment
raims Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 itsallgrand, she was 18 (almost 19) and I was 26 when we met. She had another short relationship before me. But I totally agree with you, she was just too young for me. I really thought she was different, I know laughable. But she seemed much more mature than other girls of her age I talked to. In the end I don't regret getting together with her though, there are many good memories of things we did together. Link to comment
raims Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 It seems like after every time I post here she contacts me somehow. Today at work I randomly look out of the window and was shocked to see my ex standing by my car (she didn't see me)! After she left I went to my car, she had left me a letter under the windshield wiper. Basically said she is sorry she hurt me and misses me. And she would really like to meet up as friends... Oh and that she saw my car in the morning while waiting for the bus which is impossible because I am avoiding that location like the plague and took a different route. I already changed my number but looks like she is quite creative with finding ways to contact me, lol. I don't know if I should tell her that I do not want to talk to her or just ignore this letter. There's no way I can be her friend right now but who knows maybe that feeling changes some day. We started as friends and we were awesome together as friends. Its hard to let go of that. Link to comment
Gerda Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 I now feel the whole relationship was a farce. All those things she said (she has never felt so much love for anybody else, there is nobody like me, she will never find anyone better, blah blah) were lies. I'm starting to doubt she ever loved me. I know exactly how this feels. It's awful. I wish I knew whether people like that really meant the things they said and really felt the things they said they felt. I'm thinking they are being selectively honest and unintentionally misleading out of cowardice. Saying, "I'll never meet anyone who will ever mean to me a fraction of what you do!" sounded to me like he was saying he really loved me and couldn't see himself loving anybody else--ever. But maybe that's not what he meant, maybe he was referring to our friendship or the support we showed for each other, not romantic love (though we were romantically in love.) When somebody says they've "never felt like this about anyone before," that can mean many different things, and they're not all positive. I think sometimes people like to flatter others, like to say things that make others feel better, and they would rather make us feel good now with their romantic nonsense even if it's going to hurt us more down the road than have the courage to be honest, direct, and specific about their legitimate feelings--the living together thing sounds like she was not being honest with you about it and lacked the courage to just be straight with you--"I don't want to live together." Maybe all of us should see these kinds of statements as red flags, because in my experience they are. People can say they want to spend the rest of their life with you today, but literally the next day they change their mind. They can say they've never felt this way about anybody ever and they'll never find somebody as good as you and totally drop you cold, as my ex did. I guess we should all greet such statements with a lot of skepticism, because they are ridiculous, aren't they? Any statement of feelings is only representative of the time the feelings are being expressed. Feelings change. None of us can really predict the future. Many of my exes have said the same things yours did to you, and at the end of the day it was all just words and feelings, no long-term reality. I think the good news is that as you said, this is a "set back." You had gotten to the point where you were feeling pretty good for a while, you'll make it back there and eventually you'll get to feeling even better. Link to comment
Bcom Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Raims I know its hard bud! If you changed your number and avoid the area then she is seeking you out! I am inclined to say that she is genuinely sorry if she is going out of her way to leave you a note! Whether that is good or not is a different question! Don't let it beat you up! I know... easier said than done! Take care bud! Link to comment
raims Posted May 14, 2011 Author Share Posted May 14, 2011 Thanks everyone. I was ready to cut off all contact, changed my number etc, I was on a mission lol. But at the right time she pulls me back with that letter like a pro... And I'm questioning myself again. I think she lost attraction to me but still likes me as a person. It seems like she genuinely wants to be friends. But after what she has done it can't happen, its still too fresh. Link to comment
raims Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 In response to her letter I sent her a text yesterday (from old number) saying "I can't be your friend. Don't contact me anymore". I know it was the right thing to do for my healing but it still hurts like hell. If she didn't contact me all the time I would be in a better place by now... I miss her so bad Link to comment
Gerda Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I really admire your courage to say that. "I can't be your friend. Don't contact me any more." Good for you. Link to comment
ladyninja30 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I think we have all felt betrayed and worthless after being dumped, or dumped and left for someone else. It hurts for a while..not lie there, but it does get better. You have to find things to distract yourself. Link to comment
raims Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 A little update: 3 weeks have passed and I have felt quite good. It has been 3 months since breakup. Today is a bad day because I had a really bad dream about my ex and and it made me think about her a lot again. Even after telling her not to contact me anymore she did contact me once more a week ago online (I accidentally unblocked her on msn, stupid me). She said she can't imagine that we would never talk again. Some part of her wants to talk to me and it is very hard not to. She doesn't want to lose me as a person because we got on so well and we were great together. She wants to be friends and I said again that it is not possible right now. I told her I will contact her myself when I am ready to be friends but it will take time and may not happen at all .In return she promised to try very hard to fight the urge to contact me. I don't understand her, why does she want to talk to me when she's with someone else? If you're happy with your new partner, why would you want to talk to ex so much? Nothing indicates that she wants me back, just wants to be friends. Is she stringing me along as backup or could there be something else? Link to comment
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