Burned out...

[MattW]

I live at home, while I'm taking college classes, and working part time, and I've always been happy and comfortable with that. But recently, I've become aware of just how stressful this living situation is. See, my parents have never been particularly well off. For as long as I can remember, we've always been living off my dad's paycheck week-to-week, which has fluctuated (mostly downwards) since he's been seeking other jobs in the last couple of years. He's been trying to get better jobs, but always ends up getting turned down.

 

My mom is... unhappy, I guess. Any time he brings up our money situation, she refuses to even talk about it because it "upsets her". Then when he's not around, she kind of puts him down to me, saying he should've just stayed at his old job (which he made a little more at but was completely miserable because of his boss), and how he can't get a better job, and she frequently tries to scare me by saying things such as she's worried we'll lose the house (which, for as much as she's said this throughout the years, we're still living here, so...), etc.

 

Lately, my mom's been telling me that I'm going to have to contribute more, financially. It's not that I have a problem with helping out, but... well, I make only a little more than minimum wage, and I work 15-20 hours a week. Not only that, but I've already taken on some of their bigger expenses; I pay for our phone & Internet, I pay for the majority of our cell phone bill (while they split the remainder), etc. Those things alone take up about half the money I make in a month. The way she's talking, I might find myself having to pretty much devote most of my paychecks from hear on out to helping them with the other various bills.

 

Again, I don't mean to sound like I don't WANT to help out, or that I'm not grateful for having a place to live. It's just... frustrating. As a 22 year old, it'd be nice to have some spending money to be able to buy or do something fun every now and then, but I feel like I can't have that, because I have to pump all my money into helping my mom and dad pay bills. I mean, I have a decent amount of money tucked away in my bank account, but I consider that my "reserve"; it took a long time to save that up, and I intend for it to be a back up, in case I ever lose my job or can't find work for a while.

 

But it's just so frustrating, and it's making me miserable. Looking back, I think this money situation has been subconsciously been making me miserable for years. I always just figured I had attachment issues and couldn't "cut the cord", but I think the reality is, I feel like I'd be abandoning them if I tried to break out on my own. I've never felt like a young adult getting ready to go out into the world; I've always felt like I was supposed to just be another provider between my mom and dad, and that's what I've become.

 

Even now, I literally have no idea what I want to do with myself, career-wise. I've been aimlessly taking classes for three, going on four, years now, and I'm nowhere close to having a degree, because I just don't feel like I'm "supposed" to do anything else but contribute to the family.

 

The only thing I DO know, is that I don't want to live the same life as my mom and dad. I don't want to get trapped in a life where I have to live paycheck to paycheck. I don't want to end up getting married and having a wife that resents me for not being a good provider. I don't want to have kids that don't feel like they can be anything more than a contributor to the family.

 

But I'm already on that path... I just can't find anything that sticks, at college, and as much as I completely detest low-paying retail jobs, I fear I'm destined to become a "lifer". I WANT to get off this path, but I just don't know how. I can't "force" myself to decide on and pursue a specific career path. So what do I do?

 

Sorry this post got so long and drawn out. I guess I needed to vent a bit. I just never realized how stressful my family's situation is, and how miserable I am being stuck in this spot, and I just don't know how to get out of it. I've never really been a cheerful, upbeat person with high hopes and a positive outlook, and I think my family situation is why. We stress each other out, and make each other miserable, and we've been doing it for years.

 

I just don't know how to deal with it, anymore. ](*,)

[Nerdyjock]

Hello,

 

I'll try to simplify the situation for you from an outsider's perspective. I know there are a lot of variables, but there's basically two options you have right now.

 

1.) contribute to your family financially

2.) live on your own and support yourself

 

which is more feasible to you? To me it seems like option 1 would be easier financially but would result in longer living at home. I think you could offset this by maybe trying to spend less time around the stressful family members. For example, is there anyway you could just be around for dinner? The rest of the day could you do homework at the library or spend time with friends?

 

If I was financially strapped, I'd personally keep living at home and try to see the negative people (i.e., grouchy mom) as little as possible. Moving out has benefits but if you can't support yourself you will be miserable and have to move back anyway.

 

In short, this is about the possible options - not the "dream" options. You can't make your dad win the lottery and you can't make your mom not unload her stress on you, but you can evaluate your options and pick the best one.

 

I'm sorry about your situation. I hope it improves for you =]

[MattW]

Living on my own has been looking nicer and nicer every day, but yeah, it just really isn't feasible. I imagine a getting my own place would probably cost way more than I can afford, and I don't really have anyone I'm close to that I could move in with. So yeah, I'm pretty much stuck at home for the foreseeable future.

 

As far as spending as much time away from home as possible, eh, it'd be nice, but I really don't have anywhere else to go, aside from work, and classes. I don't really have any close friends to do stuff with, there isn't anywhere in particular I'd like to go, and even if there were, it'd probably cost me money in some way (whether it be paying for something, or just having to pay for gas to be able to go anywhere).

[Mercurial Girl]

I too would expect you to contribute financially if I were your parent and you were 22 and living with me at home. In school or not! I was always expected to pay rent and a portion of household bills even while a full time student.

[Nerdyjock]

Living on my own has been looking nicer and nicer every day, but yeah, it just really isn't feasible. I imagine a getting my own place would probably cost way more than I can afford, and I don't really have anyone I'm close to that I could move in with. So yeah, I'm pretty much stuck at home for the foreseeable future.

 

As far as spending as much time away from home as possible, eh, it'd be nice, but I really don't have anywhere else to go, aside from work, and classes. I don't really have any close friends to do stuff with, there isn't anywhere in particular I'd like to go, and even if there were, it'd probably cost me money in some way (whether it be paying for something, or just having to pay for gas to be able to go anywhere).

 

Hey again,

 

just a few suggestions. What type of area do you live in? Rurual? Urban?

 

When I need time away from my bothersome roomates I take a blanket to the park and read my textbooks under a tree. I'll also go to the pool here at my apartment complex and do homework while I get some sun. Do you like libraries? Coffee Shops? Maybe you could go to these places and get work done.

 

What do you do when your home? Whatever the answer to this question is, I think you should try to find more places to get these things done. If you do homework at home, find new places to do homework. If you play video games at home, find new places to play video games. That's my suggestion.

 

Good luck buddy!

[elcie]

I think I'll get my children to read your post.

 

Both of them go to college; one has a part-time job; the other stays in his room playing on-line games. My daughter (who has the job) spends most of her money on clothes and partying.

 

I don't ask for board and they only have a few chores to do around the house. No wonder there's no mention of leaving home after they graduate.

 

I think you already contribute enough to the household budget. We don't make much money either but while we make just enough, we're happy to see our children enjoying being young. Of course, if things got too difficult, we would start asking for board but that would be about it.

 

I think your mother has placed too much of the family burden on your shoulders. It sounds like she depends on you for your contribution, making it hard for you to move out when the time comes to lead your own life. Your parents really should be working out a financial solution that doesn't depend on you.

[MattW]

I too would expect you to contribute financially if I were your parent and you were 22 and living with me at home. In school or not! I was always expected to pay rent and a portion of household bills even while a full time student.

 

Like I said, I'm not complaining about helping them out, but it just feels like more and more of my spending money is having to go right to helping them pay bills, and it's just a frustrating place to be in, not getting to enjoy a large percent of the money I'm making from work. I'm not trying to make it seem like I don't feel I should have any financial responsibilities, but I just feel completely drained. Yanno?

[Mercurial Girl]

It just seems that you reaaaally aren't paying much at all, relative to how much you consume. I paid for all my own groceries, half of the internet/tv/phone bill, my own cell bill, whatever personal expenses I had, tuition and everything related to that, and monthly rent - though the rent was only a few hundred bucks a month. You need to understand that at the age of 22 your parents are really doing you a favour at this point, and you're much, much better off sticking it out at home, even if you were to put even more money into the family pot than you already do. Real life is more than half of your paycheque going towards living expenses. You're learning a valuable lesson here.

[MattW]

I understand what you're saying, but, well... it's not really a lesson I needed to learn. I've always known that there are a lot of forced financial responsibilities in adulthood, I just thought I'd get a little breathing room, especially in my younger years. I don't even really feel like I have an identity anymore; it just feels like my whole existence boils down to "Go to work, give up a large chunk of my earnings to pay family's bills, aimlessly take classes with no real direction, etc.", repeated over and over and over. I just feel like I'm doing nothing, and going nowhere.

 

My real concern is that this is the kind of life I'm getting trapped into. Like I said in my original post, I'm terrified I'll end up in the same position somewhere down the road, having to live paycheck by paycheck, making whatever family I may have miserable for not being able to provide. THAT'S my biggest fear, really, that I'm doomed to just keep living this same kind of life. A short term fix would be nice, but I'm so much more concerned about the long term, and what kind of future I have ahead of me.

[elcie]

Do you have many friends? It sounds like you need the emotional support of your peers.

 

If there's not much you can do with some sections of your life it's always a good idea to concentrate on what you could have control of.

 

Are there any career counselors where you study? Any sort of career direction would be better that none at all.

Having some sort of focus that is outside of the family could perhaps help you to see things from a different perspective.

[MattW]

No close friends, no. I used to think I was "shy", but I eventually realized I'm not necessarily nervous or uncomfortable around people; I just don't really feel like I know who I am, so I can't "be myself" around people, since I don't really know what "myself" is. I almost feel like a shell of a person, really. That makes it too hard to connect with people.

 

As far as career directions go, I've mostly been taking classes aimed in the computer direction, as I feel fairly comfortable with computers. But nothing really sticks, with me. When I tried to take classes geared towards computer programming, I couldn't get into it. When I tried shooting for computer engineering, it just seemed too complicated to me. This year, I've been focused on trying computer networking, but it's not striking much of an interest with me. I just don't seem to really have a "passion" in life, and that kinda sucks, because without a "passion", where do I go? I wish I knew how to find a "passion".

[elcie]

Not being your age, I can only give you the example of my children who I mentioned before.

 

My son has studied Computer Science, then Computer Engineering-which he hated- before finally settling on Computer Games Design. I don't know how easy it will be to find a career in this area, but it is his "passion" He's not very social, just online friends, but he seems to be happy.

 

My daughter is happy with her social life, she has a bf and a wide social group. But she has deferred this year from her Arts degree. She works part-time in the gaming industry which she enjoys doing but she, also, is looking for a "passion." She's facing a final year of her degree without knowing what she wants to do.

 

At your age, it's very common to not know what you want to do. Quite often things have a habit of falling into place when the time comes.

 

The main thing that's apparent from your posts is how unhappy you are. Is there anyone you could talk to about this? There are reason's to feel good about yourself. You are a smart and responsible person. Perhaps if you could find an interest outside of college that will also create some distance from your family situation?

[mia616]

Hey I'm 24 and still live at home also. I have a lot of loans from school to pay back and I pay my parents 500 bucks per month rent. It would be more if I had to live with a roommate probably about 7-800 in my area. Therefore I am saving a few hundred a month that way, and my parents pay for my food and everything else. It times it can feel frustrating having to pay your own parents rent, for me it was especially as they really did give me everything growing up. Now that I work full time, pay them, my own car payment, insurance, phone and student loans I see that it really does go quickly. I am also the oldest of 5 kids so money has always been tight. I don't mind helping out as I do live here, but I hope the transition when I want to move out will be fine as well. I am living with my boyfriend this Summer as I got a Summer job near him, therefore I won't be paying them rent in the Summer, just helping out with groceries with my boyfriend (i'm lucky he has a great job and is willing to help me out).

For you right now I would focus what you want to do. Read the book - Rich Dad Poor Dad- It talks about what the rich teach their kids about money that the poor and middle class don't- Once you are out of school and making more money things will look up!

[catfeeder]

Ask your Mom to come up with an exact figure she wants you to pay per month. Don't comment until you write out all that you pay now, and show it to her. Subtract the difference, and show her the exact amount of the increase she's asking. That difference is the amount to negotiate. If it's 50 more per month, ask her to come down to 15. Negotiate until you land somewhere in the middle.

 

Taking on certain bills isn't the way to go because it keeps your contribution invisible. Settle on an exact amount you'll pay every month, and show her a running statement of all you've paid before giving her the balance in a sum--not in the form of paying another bill.

[trezeralietas]

Have you considered joining the military? It's a great option for people who feel they lack direction and need independence. You can get funding for schooling, you get marketable training, gain tons of experience and confidence, are put into situations which test your mettle and allow you to explore yourself and your reaction to situations, etc. You might want to consider it. My husband was in the Navy and he gained so much from the experience. He was 20, living at home in a stressful environment, getting fired from jobs or quitting all the time, he had dropped out of school and had no real direction. The military set him on a much more successful path and now he's going to school for computer science (on the GI Bill). Just a suggestion. Good luck!

[MattW]

Have you considered joining the military? It's a great option for people who feel they lack direction and need independence. You can get funding for schooling, you get marketable training, gain tons of experience and confidence, are put into situations which test your mettle and allow you to explore yourself and your reaction to situations, etc. You might want to consider it. My husband was in the Navy and he gained so much from the experience. He was 20, living at home in a stressful environment, getting fired from jobs or quitting all the time, he had dropped out of school and had no real direction. The military set him on a much more successful path and now he's going to school for computer science (on the GI Bill). Just a suggestion. Good luck!

 

Eh, I don't really know if that's for me. Maybe I just have preconceived notions about what being in the military entails, but it just seems too "intense". Plus, I don't know if I'd be required to move around (geographically) a lot, as that's not something I'd want to have to do.