I Thought I Would be Happy that She Wants to Come Home

[smilieman]

Didn't know where to post this one - so I'll start here.

 

Just last night, I posted about my wife splitting and leaving me. No reason apart from "I don't feel the same way about you". Two days ago, she e-mailed to say that she knows how she feels and she knows she won't change her mind. We have been together 9 years, married for one.

 

Today, she tries to phone. I am due to go out so let it ring. I'll call her later on as I don't want to come accross too eager, following other forum users advice. Then she sends me a text saying that she had a really good think after seeing me yesterday and she felt that I was right and that she feels like she wants to come home. I can't even remember what I said yesterday!

 

I still didn't respond at that point. I had an appointment and was running late and I wanted to think and for the shock to go away. I was dumb-founded as she was sure she knew what she wanted. She tries to phone me when in my appointment, I couldn't answer. I didn't want to answer. After my meeting I text her to say that I shall call her back later as I was waiting for an important phone call and that I had been in a meeting with the advice people. I was and I don't play games with people anyway, so wouldn't lie.

 

After my phone call I receive another text. She was worried about me and had left work to drive home to make sure that I was ok. Bearing in mind she has made herself uncontactable over the past 2 weeks, it was like everything had turned around 180 degrees. Just like a switch has been flipped. She was now trying to contact me and I was less eager.

 

She called me again and then we spoke - for the first time in 2 weeks, we actually spoke properly! I was firm and told her that she must do what is right for her, as I have to do what is right for me. This hurt bad. I just wanted to tell her how much I loved her, missed her, longed for her to come home. But I stood firm!

 

We have arranged to talk face-to-face on the weekend. Although three times before she has let me down and not turned up. I am unsure of how to handle this. I thought that I would be happy, but I'm more numb than anything thinking about the weekend. I normally talk (I type a lot too but now it's her turn I think. I have already told her everything, from how I feel about myself to how I feel about her. What I'm angry about and sad about. I feel that it is now her turn to do the talking.

 

Before I hung up, I told her not to worry about me asking "Why" this had happened. I told her that I wasn't interested in this any more (I made this decision last night) and for her to make sure that she looks after herself.

 

I remember what I said yesterday. I told her that earlier in the week she was wrong to assume that I wanted to talk about the "why" she left. I told her that I was going to suggest being apart longer with no contact at all. After that, we could sit and talk properly and if she wanted to come back home we could have different rooms initially to keep pressure off. That's what I said, I think.

 

I don't know what to do on the weekend, but my plan is just to listen. We have already split up, so I don't want to get my hopes up, just in case she doesn't turn up again, or decides she doesn't want to get back together after all.

 

What a strange day today! What an emotional ride this is and it's not nice. Perhaps it's because of the Royal Wedding Stuff? Who knows.

[LoveHurts89]

Whatever the outcome, i hope it's the best you YOU xx

[smilieman]

Whatever the outcome, i hope it's the best you YOU xx

Yes, I do too. We will have to talk and make sure that we are both happy before agreeing to anything - I would assume.

[lostandhurt]

Well this is progress but get ready for the ride of your life my friend. I have been through the same thing and it is no fun!

 

Continue on with your 180. Do things for you, get some sleep, eat right, get some exercise and go hang out with some friends. This will help you so much.

 

The weekend talk. Stick to your guns on this. Once you changed the way you acted she all of a sudden changed, interesting huh? Do not mention this site or the advice you are getting here. Tell her after she left you have done a lot of thinking and she is right that things can't continue like they were. Tell her you want more than what you had together and you had lost the balance in your life since you both have been together. This is not some line as I think you will see it is true as it was true for me and so many others. Don't go into detail with her, make any promises or even affer to let her come home. Remember she chose to leave so she needs to choose to come back but you need to let her know that it is very important to you that things not go back to the way they were.

 

It is real easy after a break like this to be all loving and have sex and get all kinds of warm feelings for each other but that is a trap. It will wear off and she will begin to think she made a mistake coming back. This is why you need to regulate what happens and how fast. Stepping back like you have (even though it wasn't your choice) can give you perspective and clear your vision. link removed has good tips on how to keep this going so you both can keep working on what went wrong.

 

I can tell you this: If she doesn't know the "why" then how can she work on it so this doesn't happen again in six months leaving you devastated? Tell her that if she comes back she needs to think about and work on the "why" she left. Be clear with her that you do not need to know the why but if this is to be real she must find the answers. This should be a big condition on her return or you are risking repeating this over and over again.

 

Doing the 180 puts you back in control of your own life so keep it up and I think she will like what she sees as well as you.

 

Best wishes

Lost

[april15]

Mostly you will need to listen. According to what you posted there are two things you should communicate. That you are working on getting your mind in a positive place and while you are not pining for her, you are not off looking to find someone to hop in the sack with. That you are not interested in moving forward as a couple unless she knows that that is what she wants. I would save this until the end and you may need to adjust to what she has to say. Listen to her, really listen, try to only ask questions to help her clarify herself to you.

[smilieman]

Once you changed the way you acted she all of a sudden changed, interesting huh? Do not mention this site or the advice you are getting here.

 

It is real easy after a break like this to be all loving and have sex and get all kinds of warm feelings for each other but that is a trap. Stepping back like you have (even though it wasn't your choice) can give you perspective and clear your vision. link removed has good tips on how to keep this going so you both can keep working on what went wrong.

 

I can tell you this: If she doesn't know the "why" then how can she work on it so this doesn't happen again in six months leaving you devastated?

I owe you bigtime for your advice. Not because she is coming home, but because I have seen me in a different light. I have felt different today after your comments yesterday. I have been reading on link removed all afternoon to get myself up-to-speed. Knowledge is power. I shall not discuss this, or this forum with her my friend, you can be sure of that.

 

I think that I must have done a little 180 when I saw her at work yesterday, about some non-relationship stuff. Whether this was right or wrong, who knows, but continuing this this morning by stepping back, was very interesting. Once I lost interest in the chase and let her know that I accepted it was over, she herself done a 180.

 

No, I will not do the warm, missed you sex thing! I have already been firm that we need to talk and in actual fact she has asked if she could come home tomorrow now, rather than saturday. I told her that I was unaware she was coming home on saturday and thought that she was just coming over to talk. "I thought I made it clear", she said in her work-tone. I told her she didn't as we had only spoken about talking, nothing else. "Oh", she said, backing down. It's certainly not easy, as I love her, but I am thinking of me also and the effect all this has had on me.

 

The "Why", oh the "Why". I've wanted to know the why since this all started and when she contacted me this morning, I told her that I wasn't interested in the "Why" any more. This is true, to an extent. However, I do agree with you that she needs to figure this out for herself and until she does, then I shall just do my thing and look after me, as I do not want to go through all this again. But, I have always thought that she does know, but didn't want to communicate. Who knows? We will have that conversation though. The spare bed is coming out. She has already said that she would sleep in it. My response? "We will discuss things tomorrow!".

 

Once again Lost, thank you for your support.

 

Warmest Wishes...

~S

[smilieman]

Mostly you will need to listen.

...that you are not interested in moving forward as a couple unless she knows that that is what she wants. I would save this until the end and you may need to adjust to what she has to say. Listen to her, really listen, try to only ask questions to help her clarify herself to you.

Mmm, this is the hard bit, and also the 180. In the past it's always me that's been "the fixer" and the solution finder to everything, including our relationship. She has never really done this and now I feel it's her time to speak, rather than agree. I will listen to her.

 

I think that you have a very good point about letting her know that I'm not willing to move on as a couple until she knows what she wants, and I agree with that point. I also need to find out why she wants to come home. Is it to work on us for the future, or just because she feels that she is "putting" on her friend letting her stay there. I need to clarify that, at some point.

 

Cheers,

~ S

[lostandhurt]

You are welcome but this is far from over. Keep your eyes and mind wide open. I have seen wives leave and then say they wanted to come back only to throw their husband out the next week! Keep this in mind as her friends have been talking to her just as we have been talking to you. I am sure this isn't the case for you but just be warned okay?

 

This is what I want you to do. Make some notes for yourself so you stay on track during this conversation. I agree you need to listen and let her find her own way through all this. If you were the fixer then she may feel you were controlling and didn't let her be herself or whatever even if it isn't true let her say it as she believes it is true. Do not argue any point she makes! This is very important. Now is not the time to argue over the truth. She may rewrite your history together as often times happens to support her reasons for leaving so just accept that this is her truth but you know different and let it go....for now. Now how long this converstation is going to last is important also. You do not want to have this thing go on for hours and hours. It isn't good for either of you and it doesn't give you time to think about what she has said. I know if great progress is happening it is hard to stop but you need an out. This could be dinner time, you had planned on going for a run or simply tell her that she has given you a lot to think about and you are happy that you were able to talk things through so well but you need to take a break so you can give al this some thought. You aren't jerking her around as you really do need to step back and think about all this. I am sure you will agree one conversation is not going to resolve this.

 

Be smart, keep reading and do not take advantage now that she wants to come back! Be humble, take the high road always and treat her with respect.

 

Lost

[smilieman]

Lost

 

I absolutely know that things will never be resolved with just one conversation and I know that it would be foolish for me to think such. I must admit that I am a bit worried about the "girl-talk" and how it has influenced her. I have to trust though, that she will make the decisions that are right for her. I also have to do the same and make decisions that are right for me.

 

I will definitely have to bite my tongue and be humble. My usual line is to challenge what I believe is untrue. I'm not silly though and I do know that people's personal reality of a situation can be vastly different. Her reality will be different from mine and I need to keep this in mind and remain open and receptive.

 

Conversations that run on and on, in my experience, have an adverse effect. I have made this mistake before. So, I shall take your advice and make sure that I stem the temptation to keep talking, or let her keep talking for too long. I would rather her direct the conversation flow, as it's normally me that does this, and just asking for clarification as needed and stating my needs after hearing what she has to offer.

 

As far as treating her with respect goes - always. I think far too much of her not to.

 

Please don't be under the impression though that I am 100% happy about the way things have gone today. I thought I would be stoked, but surprisingly I don't think I will feel too excited until we have worked through this. It will probably take a little time and I am really ok with that, because not only will it give us both time to think, it will give me the time that I need to build myself up again and get on an even keel. I wouldn't want to go back into a full-on relationship without paying attention to this first, I don't think.

 

Depending on how things go tomorrow, I will hopefully be able to post in the "Getting Back Together" section rather than here. I will ensure that I keep chatting, so that my situation may be of help others here.

 

Cheers,

~ S

[smilieman]

I can't understand why I am shaking this morning. Don't know where my head is. I am dreading my wife coming home today and don't know how to act towards her. I suppose I just need to "Fake it" and "Act As If". So I shall act confident, happy and like I am "together", even though I feel the exact opposite for every one of these.

 

She probably feels scared as well. After all, she's the one who walked away and now she's the one who has to walk back in the door. Not an easy task, as she will have to go back on virtually everything that she has said over the past 2 and a half weeks.

 

Only a couple of hours to go - wish me luck!

[LoveHurts89]

Good luck xxx

[smilieman]

Thank you. It means so much to have people behind me - I mean that.

 

I feel extremely sick now - and I mean *really* sick. I've made sure everything is ready and that she comes home to a relaxed atmosphere - if of course she turns up. I am expecting a text any minute saying she's not going to come. This has happened 3 times before now.

 

Checklist:

- Housework - Done!

- Coffee Pot - Ready to Fire!

- Royal Wedding - On in the background (I wanted to watch it anyway!).

- Me - washed, shaved, hair done, oh and dressed!

 

Less than 1 hour to go - I feel like I'm on death row - why? Anxiety. Stress. Worry.

 

I shall be calm when she arrives and act pleased to see her. Be kind, approachable and make her feel like she wants to be here. I don't want to talk at home. We'll go out for a walk and talk then. I will have to remember the "Turbo Duck". With his feet battering away frantically under the surface of the water, out of sight, while he is seen to be calmly cruising around the pond. This is how I feel. Frantic on the inside, but I must be calm on the outside and keep control.

 

This feels harder than I thought it would be already. Lost was right. The rollercoaster starts here. I feel worse today than I did 2 days ago.

 

Will let you know later on how things went. Thanks for caring xx

[LoveHurts89]

I really hope it goes ok. Somebody deserves some happiness. Just posted an update on myself I'll keep my fingers crossed for you xx

[smilieman]

Well, my wife came home. Really, I wasn't expecting her to and I was surprised when she walked through the door.

 

Things weer a bit tense though. It felt weird. She unpacked and then we watched the wedding before going out for something to eat. Conversation was linked around general stuff, but I thought that we could talk over lunch, so I asked the question; "I need to know why you came back home. Because your fel awkward at your friends, or because you want to make a go of our relationship?".

 

That sure was a conversation starter! She said that she didn't think she made enough effort before. Then that was that. Conversation stopped. I then carried on by saying bits and bobs about how I didn't want to carry on the way it was before, as there were problems (even though I dodn't know what they were yet). I said that I working on me and that I had lost the balance over the last few years with being in and out of contract work jobs, etc.

 

I made it clear that I was not prepared to continue where we left off, things had to change and that she needed to find out "Why" she left before I could put too much effort back into us. I told her we needed to talk, but would leave it up to her to start these conversations. Then, I shut up. Nothing more was said at that point.

 

Lunch over, we went to the shops to get much needed groceries. Things felt weird. Possibly because I had taken a step back. It felt like I was disconnected somehow. Later on an hour or so later, she asked me how she could sort out why she left. I told her that she has to find this out for herself and would leave it to her. Spare bed is made and we shall sleep apart.

 

TV now, then tomorrow. I wish she would start a conversation, but I shall be patient and carry on with the 180. I feel like I'm doing well. I'm not pushing her, I've said my bit and now the ball is in her court.

 

I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

[nattpanter]

Hey Smileman, been reading your thread! I admire the way you handle things here... No matter what will be the outcome you can defo be proud of your actions. You manage to combine effort and affection in a very respectful way...

 

I believe the biggest challenge is yet to come and that is not falling back to old habbits (that made your relationship not work) and keep this process of communicating all trough your life together. Good luck!

[smilieman]

I also think that making sure that things don't go back the way they were is something that needs careful attention. I was not aware of any problems outside the usual day to day life stuff, but not relationship problems. Obviously there were for her, but still I am in the dark as to what these are - perhaps I'll never know.

 

Thanks for the confidence boost. I hope I'm doing this all the right way round, time will tell. Effort certainly is something that I am prepared to put into things, for sure and I am glad that somebody who doesn't know me thinks that I am handling it respectfully. It's encouraging to say the least. At least I could be on the right track.

 

Habits can be changed. Communication is the hard bit here, as she is still not communicating as much as I would prefer, rather she seems to "run away" from this type of conversation. But, based on her actions so far, it could be a few days for her to mull things over in her head first. The 180 and looking after myself, I believe, may encourage change. I hope so anyway. I am still very much in the dark and feel like I'm playing games that I don't really want to play. It's not easy!

 

Thanks the the positive feedback & Support. Tomorrow, I will probably start a new thread in "Getting Back Together".

~ S

[lostandhurt]

Well my friend you have come along way in a very short time. Well done!

 

Give her some time to adjust to the new you. She is baffled by this new man in front of her that didn't kiss her butt for gracing your home with her presence once again. Remember you are not playing some get her back game but a make my relationship/marriage better game. She is wondering if you are going to keep her instead of you wondering if she will stay.

 

There is no upper hand in all this so treat her well but don't "fix" anything for her. If you can afford it a therapist might help with her problems in working out her feelings. You cant and shouldn't be her therapist so don't try, you have enough on your plate as it is now. Keep the 180 going and get back to that guy you liked from years ago.

 

There are a few things I can tell you that might help her keep that attraction to you. Women don't like a guy that is a wuss. The are attracted to a guy that is strong, confident and is in control. This does not mean they want a controlling jerk though. Some of the things you described about you and your situation makes you appear weak so her attraction to you has faded. Once you stood up for yourself, stopped begging and it looked like you might not want to get back with her you seemed much more attractive. Continue working on you and you will see what kind of affect it has on her. Don't let up, make a schedule, a to do list and stick to it. This is the most important thing in your life so treat it that way.

 

I am happy things went well for you today. One day the akwardness will fade and the true closeness will return.

 

Lost

[LoveHurts89]

You're handling the situation great. I'm so glad that it looks to be on track. We've spoken a bit over the last few days and it's nice to see a positive end for one of us. Thank you for the advice you've given to me. Keep us updated.

 

Maria xxx

[nattpanter]

Smileman, your welcome. I think it`s cruical that you let her decide how much she wants to discuss her reasons for leaving. The way you are doing it now is excellent. Keep it short, if that is what she wants (she probably don`t know all the reasons for leaving) This is great: "Later on an hour or so later, she asked me how she could sort out why she left. I told her that she has to find this out for herself and would leave it to her." If you ask questions, keep them open and don´t lead her into saying things...but don`t sound like a shrink either

 

In regard to your to statement about hating playing games...well don`t think of it like a game. It`s about letting people discover their own mistakes and grow. You must lead by doing the right things, and keep the "I don`t want things to be as they were" as you mantra. What you should focus on is who do you want to be for this woman, act valuable and you`ll be treated as you are. Love her without claiming her and she`ll be yours.

[Glowguy]

I just have to say that I think you handled things amazingly well so soon after such a devastating blow. I think most people would have completely fallen apart under those circumstances. Well done and keep it up! I'm rooting for you.

 

I hope things work out, but if they don't please realize that you'll have plenty of other takers in the future, and it's not the end of the world.

[smilieman]

I just have to say that I think you handled things amazingly well so soon after such a devastating blow.

I appreciate the comment. But, I don't feel that I am. I still feel rubbish inside. I guess that this is par for the course and if I can hold it together ok, then hopefully we will be able to work things out. My normal reaction to this stuff, is to panic, say how I feel and try to fix it. Now, I'm taking a back seat and leaving that control for her to take. Doing this one thing alone, is absolutely killing me, as I just want to talk and find solutions!

 

Thank you for you support. I can't believe how people help others here with their struggles. I just hope that I will be able to do the same at some point along the way.

 

~ S

[smilieman]

Well my friend you have come along way in a very short time. Well done!

 

Give her some time to adjust to the new you.

 

I am happy things went well for you today. One day the akwardness will fade and the true closeness will return.

 

Lost

Thanks for the good advice and support. I'm far from a wuss, but I suppose that the fear of losing her made me act like one for a while. I'm normally very confident, but not bulchy, kind and considerate (I like to think anyway).

 

I've just let her know that I do want to fix stuff, as she was going to bed, just to let her know that it's not far from my mind. She told me she does too, so that's a good sign a least.

 

I hope that the closeness will come back. I was truly shocked that I didn't feel how I expected to feel when she returned. I feel some what distant.

 

Thanks again,

 

~S

[chitown9]

I think that you reacted in the manner that you did because you are going into a self-protection mode. Perhaps you know the saying "It ain't over till it's over." Well, this critical point in your lives ain't over.

 

I would like to give you some insight into female/male relationships by telling you a true story that occurred with my husband, then my boyfriend at the time. My boyfriend/husband now had made a big mistake in our relationship. He sent me an e-mail in which he acknowledged his mistake, took full responsibility for the discord he cause in our relationship, appologized for it and explained what he wanted for the both of us in the future. Then he waited for my decision. I gave everything a lot of thought. When I called him to tell him I wanted a future with him too, he said Yes! I am sure he had been sweating bullets. What I thought about when I hashed everything in my mind was that I really wanted this man in my life and what more was there to say about it? What more could I ask him to do? So we went on together in our lives and got married last year. Subject closed. I think he handled the situation extremely well. I could have ended the relationship if he had handled the situation differently such as denying his behavior or justifying his actions. He manned up and I respected him for it and it was made me realize that things could work for us.

 

Just a little story to think about.

[smilieman]

Lost

 

Thank you for your words of advice. They seem to resonate with me more than others. Some say, just have the talk, you say be patient and let her sort stuff out. I am inclined to go along with your ideas as they seem more right for me.

 

As far as therapists go, I had already started to see one in order to see if I could find a solution (see, me the fixer!). She didn't turn up for an appointment a week or so ago. But now that I've told her, when she came back, that I do not need to know the "Why" but she needs to work it out for herself before I can put too much work into us, she has started to ask questions about the therapist. I've left it to her to contact them, if she feels it's right for her, which I think was the right choice.

 

We will see next week. Bank Holiday here, so therapists aren't working!

 

~ S

[april15]

Stick with Lost's advice. You've said your part and need to stick to it. Only be the fixer for things that are truly yours to fix, yourself, your space, your attitude, and perhaps a stuck jar lid....

 

Good luck