I Thought I Would be Happy that She Wants to Come Home

[smilieman]

Many thanks April. It is so difficult though. Everything feels weird and I'm not sure about anything; how I feel, how she feels, what will she do next, when will conversation start about stuff. I'll stick with things though. It's hard not to slot back into things that I used to do and have to keep correcting myself and thinking that I need to do the opposite. Went shopping for a new dress for her today. Normally, I'd follow around and give my opinion voluntarily. Today, I offered nothing if I wasn't asked and waited while she looked at clothes by herself. Not sure if this is the right thing to do. I was respectful, chatty and nice all the time, but just pulled back from my usual shopping routine. Strange....

 

~S

[smilieman]

I read through everything here again this morning and I would like to say a big "Thank You" to all of you how are supporting me through this situation.

 

I really do appreciate all of your input and am thinking about each and every opinion in-depth. I think a lot too! If it wasn't for you guys, it is likely that I would have messed things up as soon as she walked in the door, well actually, she probably wouldn't have walked back in the door in the first place.

 

definitely, I am in your debt.

 

~ S

[lostandhurt]

When you can, pay it forward and the debt will be paid in full.

 

Remember working things out in a calm and peaceful manner allows both of you to think clearly and work together to make your marriage what it should have been in the first place.

 

It is time for you to decide what you want. At first it was just to get her home but as you have found out that is just a physical change of address not an emotional one. When you are deciding what you want do not let fear make your choices for you. This is a defining moment for you and your marriage. Is she the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? If yes then why? List the qualities you like and enjoy and even admire in her. What things about her do wish were different. Did these things show up over the years? Many times we become someone we don't like because of the situations around us. This is where the balance needs to be found again. Once you decide what you want you will be ready to discuss it with her. She already knows you are not willing to let things go back to the way they were so now it is time for you to decide how you would like them to be now and in the future.

 

You are not a passenger in this so don't act like one. The time will come for you to speak and I want you ready when that time comes. She will be ready soon and be receptive to what you have to say. Sit back, do your homework and keep doing what you are doing until you see signs that she is willing.

 

Lost

[smilieman]

When you can, pay it forward and the debt will be paid in full.

Paying things forward is something that I have always lived by. I have helped others in different areas for years and always told them the same thing when they couldn't afford to pay me, or were not in a position to reciprocate. If only the whole world worked on this theory.

 

I have already started to work out what I really want from the relationship and been thinking about if she is the person that I want to be with. She is, and I have started to make a list of all the reasons why, together with what I want to change, not necessarily in her, but in the way we work together (or haven't been working together). We have been through a lot of "Stuff" early on in our relationship, with her being seriously ill, that robbed us of the fun that we had at the start. It was time to get serious, quickly. This is almost at an end now, but then it was my turn with being out of work and being fed up most of the time. Only for just over a year, but none the less it has made things an effort.

 

I think (and have always thought since all this has happened), that it is the situation that has brought this to a head. The situation being: me out of work, rubbish neighbours, money worries, her needing to hold down a full time job. Some of this has been relentless for about 5 years (the neighbours), making it impossible to relax at home and making both of us on edge. Throw in the rest and you have a lethal concoction!

 

My eyes have been truly opened. They started to open when she left, then they opened a bit more when I had my first responses here and they opened nice and wide after I had read link removed.

 

I also think she may have been reading about the 180! She has just called and told me that she is going out after work and will be home 2 hours later than usual. She had sent an e-mail first, which I didn't reply to as I hadn't checked them, so she rang instead as I hadn't replied. I have just gone into panic mode and I don't know why. This is the 3rd time she has gone out in 4 days. It's like she doesn't want to be at home. Why is this an issue with me? Is it just her trying to work things out I wonder?

 

I need to concentrate on me and I was planning to go out this evening, as I need to find out where the sun sets in a specific place for a landscape photo that I'm planning to take. Only for a little while (30 minutes or so), but this will be around the time that she will now be coming home. It will look like I have done this deliberately and am playing games, even though I had planned to do this (in my head) anyway.

 

Now I'm wondering whether I should put this off until tomorrow and be here for when she comes home. When will all these "games" end?

 

Cheers,

~ S

[smilieman]

Oh man, today is hard.

 

I know that it's me putting myself under pressure, but I feel that I'm playing games, I feel like she is playing games and I just want to discuss things with her and get this relationship/marriage back on track. I really can't stand the not knowing and with everything up in the air. I feel hopeless and haven't stopped shaking since last night. I feel light-headed and unable to concentrate as I am sooo stressed out. Not a nice feeling.

 

So, this morning I've been thinking. Do I give her a nudge later tonight by saying, "You've been back a week now and I would like to start getting this relationship back on some sort of positive path over the next week or so. We do need to talk in order to do this, but I am prepared to wait until you are ready to discuss things, but you will need to let me know. I feel that it's not doing either of us any good avoiding the conversations that we must have in order to put things right.". Then get on with other stuff and leave it out there.

 

Or do I just shut up and wait? Either way, it's killing me. At this point, any feedback would be much appreciated.

 

Cheers

~ S

[LoveHurts89]

Speak to her xx I know it's eating you up. Give her a gentle push in the right direction xx

[smilieman]

Speak to her xx I know it's eating you up. Give her a gentle push in the right direction xx

But, will it end up being in the right direction though, or will it set us back? I wonder.

[smilieman]

So, she doesn't want to talk - yet. She doesn't want to seek counselling - I'm pretty sure following a brief conversation this morning about other stuff and I sneaked it in. She hasn't said any more about sleeping arrangements. It so hard when there's no communication.

 

But, I've been listening to an audio book by Henry Cloud - Boundaries in Marriage. I was listening to it in bed, but I fell asleep a few times. However, I am learning and that's the main thing. Even he says that usually leaving is the last resort, but in my wife's case it was the first resort, which is confusing. There's 9 hours of audio and I've listened to just one. But it clarified that what I did last night was correct, I had set my boundary. Here's what happened.

 

Yesterday morning before going to work, my wife and I had a discussion about dinner that evening. We decided what we would have and agreed a time of 6:30pm for it to be ready. She normally gets home at 6:10pm. So, I get dinner ready for 6:30pm. The time she normally gets home comes and goes and by 6:30pm she still wasn't home. Then, she rang. She said that she had stayed at work until 6pm and she was stuck in traffic. "If you had rung me earlier I would have been able to reschedule dinner", I said. "Dinner is ready now, as we agreed". She said "Sorry and told me that she wouldn't be long". Whether she meant it was another matter.

 

So, instead of waiting and ruining dinner, I served up and put hers in the oven to keep warm and sat down and ate mine alone. She came home at 6:50pm. When she came in she said that she had stayed at work later, and then was stuck in traffic, and a whole other bunch of excuses. "Have you eaten yours?", she asked. "Yes", I said. "It was ready at 6:30pm. "If you knew you were going to stay at work", I said, "You should have rang to let me know. It was disrespectful not to". Then, without an atmosphere, I left it at that.

 

This is what I should have done, just continued on with my dinner, rather than tip-toe around her. But, I can't help feeling that she is playing these games purposely and I can't see how she is trying at this relationship. She is not willing to do anything or speak about anything and then keeps messing me around like this, when she knows that we had arranged things. I asked her this morning before she left what time she would like dinner tonight. She said 7pm, so I asked her if she was going to be late home from work tonight. "No" she said. I don't believe her.

 

The thing is, over the past 6 years, she has never stayed at work late - never. Only once or twice gone for a drink after work and never socialised with the girl that she is always going out with now. She has said that she didn't want to socialise with this girl over the past 5 years, but now she is going out with her all the time - at lunchtime and after work. This girl is an alcoholic, chain smokes and is psychologically unstable and always having relationship issues - scary for a lawyer! My wife brings work home on the weekend sometimes and spent 4 hours over this last weekend working at home.

 

I suppose I should just continue doing my stuff, for me. My 180 and keep doing the housework and the DiY to get the house sorted. I feel like I'm doing everything now, all on my own and it's not being appreciated. Perhaps I'm being punished for something. But, chin-up and plough on. Got decking to stain today, business cards to order and sweeping to do as the tree outside has decided to molt!

 

I just wonder what she is doing to progress and fix this relationship and do her part.

[onesunnyday]

I know how you feel and it really does eat you up inside - especially the lack of communication, it can be like poison! See what time she gets in tonight and what happens. I know the feeling of thiking you are being punished for something too. I havent followed the whole thread though sorry. Do you have any children? Do you work? I wonder if its a possible a power thing going on here as she seems to have quite a good job and career? Do you think she still respects you?

Good luck for tonight - wish my husbad cooked for me once in a while!

[smilieman]

I havent followed the whole thread though sorry. Do you have any children? Do you work? I wonder if its a possible a power thing going on here as she seems to have quite a good job and career? Do you think she still respects you?

No children. I have been out of work for just over a year as I lost my job as an IT Manager. The plan was to take a year out and decide what I wanted to do as I was getting fed up with being treated bad and the last 3 companies I worked for. I have supported her in building her career. She was a trainee legal executive when we met, I was the IT Manager for the company that we worked for. We got together and after about a year, she left after qualifying as they wouldn't give her any pay rise. I stayed there for around 2 years and was sacked - no reason - after 7 years of employment there. Since then I have been in and out of work, contracts and full time, and the last position that I had I was again sacked. Under a year, no reason (legal in the UK) and it was the day after I had implemented all the projects that they wanted me to do, including replacing servers, training users, etc. After it was all done, they just got rid of me. This hit my confidence.

 

Since this has happened, she has got a couple of pay rises and is well respected in her company. While I was working as the It Manager of the legal firm, I watched time and time again, as trainees started and were all nice, but after about a year the power went to their heads and they started speaking to everybody as if they just didn't matter. This didn't happen with my wife, until now. Last night she spoke to me as if I was stupid and I had to request that she didn't speak to me like that. She speaks to me as if I am a client and not her husband.

 

Does she still respect me? Probably not. The big thing is, is that over the past year I have been really ill and didn't realise it. I was put on anti-depressants (Citalopram) for anxiety while I was working for the legal firm as they treated me really bad. When I left there, the doctor told me to keep taking them. It wasn't until I was out of work, with no direct stress, that I noticed that I was really down on myself all the time. I visited the doctor (alone and with my wife) on various occasions about the way that I was feeling as it just didn't feel right that I felt so, energy-less and fed-up all the time. After 3 years of this and the doctor doing nothing, I went to see another doctor and we arranged to come of the tablets. Ever since I have been off them, I have felt so completely different. I have energy, I feel alive and not rundown anymore - apart from this stuff. The doctor told me to keep and even-emotional keel over the next 6 months, in order to build me back up and build my self-esteem and confidence (my wife was at the appointment with me). Unfortunately, the next week my wife left.

 

I can unserstand how she musthave felt coming home to a depressed person each day, but surely knowing that it was because I was sedated by these ruddy tablets, should be self-explanatory? I don't think she believes it though and there is no way that I can tell her any differently. I feel like the old me now, just with a broken marriage.

[lostandhurt]

Okay the dinner thing is a non issue to me on the outside looking in. You did the right thing going ahead and eating yours but you felt the need to punish her for being late. Good reason or not she was late but you made it all about you which is your ego taking over. The ego does this all the time so watch out for it.

 

Reverse roles and see how it looks.

 

Her hanging out with this train wreck of a person is not good but not surprising. Many Walk Aways do this as they seek out someone more messed up then themselves or someone that wil not judge them for walking. These people are for the most part very selfish people.

 

Stay within yourself and stick to your plan of improving yourself.

 

Lost

[smilieman]

Okay the dinner thing is a non issue to me on the outside looking in. You did the right thing going ahead and eating yours but you felt the need to punish her for being late. Good reason or not she was late but you made it all about you which is your ego taking over. The ego does this all the time so watch out for it.

 

Reverse roles and see how it looks.

 

Very, very good point. Thanks. Blimey, you'd think I'd know this stuff. It's amazing how it's easy to forget when you are actually in the situation yourself. Plan stuck to!

[april15]

Sounds familiar, I am not sure she is being truthful about the "girl" she is spending time with at work or the reasons she is being late. Regardless, if you make a plan for your life and work on moving forward on this plan, she will either come around and be part of it or you will eventually move forward alone. Avoidance behavior can only last so long.