Broke up with best friend and boyfriend of over 4.5 years+

[rkw]

I broke up with him last week since he wasn't able to give me what I needed emotionally and had let me down a few times in the past few months. But tonight, after talking to him, it seems like it's for the best. He's an engineer and told me he's planning to try and get a job in Germany. I always had a feeling I was holding him back, and as sad as he is, I think he's sort of pleased that he's "free".

 

We were planning to move out together this year, marry and have kids in the next few years. Plus, he was my best friend. And he was also my first love, we'd been together since I was 17, he was 18. I feel like my whole world and future has suddenly changed. I love him so much. Friend's have said its for the best, but it feels so incredibly painful that I'm not sure that it is. I know I'm young, but I was 100% committed to this relationship. For people to say in a few months, I'll be able to just waltz into a bar and and meet new people seems unbelievable. One of my friends says now I'll be able to get "experience". But I don't want that, I wan't him and the life we planned out together.

 

I feel so resentful and bitter that you can have the same goals and beliefs as someone, be their best friend, be in love, be together for years and it STILL doesn't work. How does anyone ever find a lifelong partner? How will I? My gosh, I can't imagine loving anyone ever again. I don't think I want to.

 

I love him so much. I'm not sure exactly why I'm posting on here, I just feel like no one understands (my parent's were first loves too, still together....all of my friends have either been with the one guy for years or only dated). I guess I just need to vent, especially because the person I used to vent to is no longer in my life.

[LoveHurts89]

Would going to Germany with him not be an option? I know now that if the guy I'm pining for told me he needed to move for work, I'd have gone with him. Little things like let downs can be worked on. Men don't realise how much they can hurt us with their let downs. For example, S (I can't bear to call him my ex) would tell me, "Babe, I'm gonna go to the pub tonight and watch the football tonight. You can still stay at mine, but I'll be going out about 7.30". I'd usually see my ar$e over this, when in reality, the poor guy only wanted to watch football and didn't realise I'd be upset over a missed evening with him.

[rkw]

Well it would be an option, I speak German. But I'm actually trying to get into medicine next year. We're both so ambitious. My biggest dream is to have my own family one day, my second is to be a doctor.

 

What pushed me to break up was because about a fortnight ago I had surgery. He didn't come to see me all week, or call or text me, because he was buying his first shares or something. It was sort of the last nail in the coffin for me. But now it's all "final" I feel like I would put up with anything just to have him back again. I feel so pathetic saying that, my mum would kill me if she knew. He said he's going to spend some time on himself, but said all this nice stuff like "don't give up on your dreams, please let me know when you get your entrance results back" etc. But no "please, lets start again".

 

Bahh...I haven't felt so sad in a long time. It's almost as bad as when my good friend died.

[endy]

Relationships can be complicated. What I would do is try your best to move on. You're going to suffer, and there's going to be pain. But embrace it, cherish it, hold it. You will get clarity, understanding, and insight in time. This is actually one relationship to where if you both feel the same a few years later it may work when you reconcile. All of your feelings right now are normal. Life and love is not what you see in the movies. That seems to be what you are comparing it to. It is something much more than that.

 

You will be ok, you need to go NC and move on. Let him start living his life. In life we need to be growing in all area's, just not the relationship area. Imagine if this happened when you were married? I don't want to disappoint you, but I completely understand where you are coming from. Life does not give us things which we can't handle. Suffering is a bi-product of love. In other words we would not suffer if we could not love. Do not just jump into a relationship, and I don't think you will. You have a lot to learn, and a lot of soul searching and growing to do. In the end, what is meant to be will be.

 

Stay strong and stick around here for awhile.

[DN]

Well, I can see why you would break up with him for not bothering about your surgery - that would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

Not so sure about his career coming first though - isn't that true about you too?

[sidehop]

What pushed me to break up was because about a fortnight ago I had surgery. He didn't come to see me all week, or call or text me, because he was buying his first shares or something. It was sort of the last nail in the coffin for me.

 

If he can't stand by you when you need the most help and support while putting something as a business as a priority it's a very scary preview of what could happen in the future. You could even consider it as a vision sort of speak.

 

Whether the surgery was minor or major it just shows his true nature. I had a friend who's husband left her to pursue this so-called dream after finding out she had cancer. It was a very sad situation. Don't put up with this type of behavior nor allow yourself to give in or make an excuse to bring back someone who obviously didn't care.

[rkw]

 

Not so sure about his career coming first though - isn't that true about you too?

 

I guess in a weird way, a career does come first for me. But partly because I was always brought up to be able to support myself and also be able to support any future family in the event that my future husband can't. I want to be a GP so I can spend time with my kids when the time comes. And becoming a doctor is a real passion. If it was something I'd be able to pursue in Germany, I'd go for it. Sadly, I can only do it here in Australia. I don't want to embark on a career I don't love. If I don't get into med, maybe I'll have to, but right now I'm giving it my best shot.

 

It wasn't major surgery like a bowel resection or anything, but it was pretty sucky nontheless. He came over the day of the surgery, but then nothing after that. He just admitted to me tonight that he's emotionally immature. I think now that we've broken up he finally gets it.

 

And Sidehop: I did consider it a vision of my future. I could see myself caring for our kids alone while he gallavants around. It's horrible enough having two people hurting, let alone children. However, I think maybe he just needs to grow up a bit.

 

Endy: He did say "maybe we'll meet in the future". Maybe we will find eachother together again, but I'm going to try and imagine we won't in order to get on with my life. I've asked for no contact. Leaving that conversation was the hardest thing I've ever done, I just didn't want to let go. He asked if he could bring a birthday present over for me next week, and I had to force myself to say no. A birthday without him sounds like a nightmare and I sort of want to ignore it. He dropped off some of my stuff yesterday after not seeing him for a week and it felt awful, and I don't want to re-enact that again. So I'm trying to do the right thing, but it just feels so wrong. As for what you were saying about growing, I think in a way I can already feel it. My biggest fear was always being without him. And to stand up and say that I want and need more was just awful. However, last week (when it was all still up in the air), I suddenly felt so confident. Like, I tackled my biggest fear and I didn't die...

 

Thanks so much for your replies everyone, I really needed someone to talk to and I feel a little less like crawling into a hole and dying now

 

*edited to fix some spelling mistakes, add a bit extra*

[GhostLife]

My biggest fear was always being without him. And to stand up and say that I want and need more was just awful. However, last week (when it was all still up in the air), I suddenly felt so confident. Like, I tackled my biggest fear and I didn't die...

 

This is so reminiscent of how I felt during my last relationship. I would literally have nightmares where I had never met her and it turned into me having the fear of never knowing or being with her....... and then she left me and it became reality (albeit it was over the course of a year). We're now both NC - officially for 5 months now. I can tell you it gets so much better with time. When she got a new boyfriend and I decided to really truly let go, I eventually found happiness within myself. It'll get better, I can promise you that - just endure the loss, mourn it, move past it and before long you'll learn to embrace it and maybe enjoy it. It sounds like you have strong ambitions - so you should focus on that 110% and stay busy. The best possible solution I can recommend and most will is to go completely NC like you already plan to do with zero holding onto hope. If you two decide to reconcile in the future, it should be from the beginning emotionally, but for your personal healing that should be the farthest thought in your mind.

[rkw]

Thanks Ghostlife for your input. I'd also have nightmares, but that he was with other girls and that he had never loved me. I didn't sleep much last night, I was up crying. Now that I know he's looking to find work overseas, in some ways it forces hope away. Because if we got back together, I wouldn't want him to feel resentful, like I "tied him down" so to speak. Letting go will be the hardest thing, but to hear that the pain lessens over time gives me a small light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Thankyou

[endy]

Fear is something we need to overcome. We all die one day. Accept the fear. Look it dead in it's face and overcome it. This is about becoming a better person for YOU. If it's meant to be it will work itself out. Even with you not contacting them. If you can look that fear and suffering in the face, embrace it and learn from it... You will be a much better person moving forward. Stay strong and keep your head up.

[rkw]

Thank you, Endy. Fear has always been a struggle for me. I'm a control freak, and I'm always frightened of things going wrong. This year I've already tackled some big fears, I think 2011 is going to be a year of lessons for me....which I'm not excited about, but I know it has to happen. There's so many challenges facing me right now that it's hard to keep myself on track. But I know if I can survive this year, I can survive anything.

 

I broke NC today, but I don't regret it. I'm definitely back on it now, but I'm glad I went with my gut. I said some things I know I didn't mean in the heat of the moment, like "this was all a waste of time". I apologised, sent him some information about studying German that he could use. He wrote back that even though he wants a relationship with me, he knows we both have to have our own lives right now. He knows he has a lot of maturing to do. He said once he's discovered the world a little, maybe one day the time will be right and he'll be properly committed and ready to settle down. We're both in love and so compatible in a lot of ways, but we both know that the time has come for us to let eachother go. I have to learn to be my own best friend and biggest supporter. He has to learn to look after himself and complete his dream of working overseas for a year or two. Maybe, we'll reunite one day. Neither of us are pinning our hopes on this scenario though. But we both said even though we might not see or hear from eachother much from now on, we'll both hold a special place for eachother and remain eachother's supporters, even if it's only in spirit.

 

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We are both so aware that we've lost out best friend. In England this past February, I lost sight of him in a crowded museum and found something I knew he would like. I thought to myself, "I really wish A was here, I want to show him this", and inside I really wanted to find him. I went to look for him, and he was looking for me too! And before I said anything, he said "It was really weird, I heard your voice calling my name in my head, like you wanted me. So I had to come and find you". We were close like that. I've never felt 100% comfortable around anyone except him. He loved me exactly how I am, and I can't imagine feeling like that around someone ever again.

 

This situation is so horrible. It's enough to swear myself off love forever!

[endy]

You don't need to love anyone else to be happy dear. True love comes from within. Work on your control issues. This is the best thing for both of you at this point, and I think you know that. It does suck, it sucks a lot. You need to do your best to move on. It will get better with time. Work on confronting your fear, see where it comes from. If we run from it, it also causes suffering. It makes our minds somewhat ill.

 

You need to be content and happy with yourself. Neither of you did nothing wrong, he's just doing something he feels he has to do for him. We always need to put ourselves first. Most people are taught from a young child not to do this. Their parents don't even know that's what they are teaching us. It is not a bad thing. Learn and Grow. This is the hardest thing to do right now, but the hardest things are usually the right things.

[rkw]

Thanks Endy.

 

Yesterday was so hard in terms of forcing myself to not cry all day. Today, I've been trying to keep busy, doing stuff around the house and cooking before work. Funnily enough, the royal wedding will be broadcast tonight and I'm going to watch it. I'm trying to get caught up in the silly excitement of it. I'm not usually into all that romance and stuff, but this is something lighthearted and easy to watch. Especially because Friday's were "our night". I nearly cried this morning, we sent some stuff back to my house while in England and it just arrived today, including a book of his. It reminded me of all the the fun things we used to do. I was torn between breaking NC and letting him know it's here, or waiting a few months. I know for a fact he didn't love the book, so I think it's more sensible to put it away and give it back to him either in a few months or through a mutual friend.

 

I think my mind has gone back into denial though, and then all of a sudden the realisation of "I'm single and A isn't coming back" hits me pretty hard. I found this quote in the newspaper a few months ago, and it encouraged me to keep studying for the Post-graduate medical entrance exam when everything felt hopeless:

 

"You can gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."-Eleanor Roosevelt.

 

For me, this is sort of turning into a motto. It's just so dead-on true and it really applies to a lot of situations I'm facing this year. I try to remind myself of it whenever I start to feel weak.

[endy]

"You can gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."-Eleanor Roosevelt.

 

This quote is also in use right now in terms of what you are doing with the break up. Do you know why this quote applies to so much? When we embrace fear and suffering we get insight from it. We learn from it, we understand others and that maybe they suffer too. We get stronger and we grow from it. Take that with you as well.

[rkw]

I'm deleting him off facebook...I keep catching myself looking at photos of us together, what he did over Easter....I don't want to but it's really turning into a form of self-torture, maybe an obsession if I let it go on long enough.

 

I think it will help with NC, if I can't follow him everyday. I still don't believe we're over though. I really don't. I'm looking at fear in the face and asking it, give me my lessons & suffering quickly, because I hate this and I want it over with ASAP.

[lonelyandsick]

I think deleting him off Facebook will help. I had to go and deactivate my whole account because I found myself getting obsessive over * * * . I think you seem like you have a strong head on your shoulders and I know it's hard... but it will get better over time. Perhaps the two of you will collide again in the future when you both are working toward your goals.

[endy]

I'm deleting him off facebook...I keep catching myself looking at photos of us together, what he did over Easter....I don't want to but it's really turning into a form of self-torture, maybe an obsession if I let it go on long enough.

 

I think it will help with NC, if I can't follow him everyday. I still don't believe we're over though. I really don't. I'm looking at fear in the face and asking it, give me my lessons & suffering quickly, because I hate this and I want it over with ASAP.

 

Check out this guide link removed

 

Follow the last three steps. You will be ok eventually I promise!

[rkw]

I think deleting him off Facebook will help. I had to go and deactivate my whole account because I found myself getting obsessive over * * * . I think you seem like you have a strong head on your shoulders and I know it's hard... but it will get better over time. Perhaps the two of you will collide again in the future when you both are working toward your goals.

 

I'm suprising myself with how "strong"

[rkw]

I think deleting him off Facebook will help. I had to go and deactivate my whole account because I found myself getting obsessive over * * * . I think you seem like you have a strong head on your shoulders and I know it's hard... but it will get better over time. Perhaps the two of you will collide again in the future when you both are working toward your goals.

 

I'm suprising myself with how "strong" I can be, but I have to admit, I have to really make a conscious effort to do the right thing every day. It's only day 2 of NC, and I sometimes feel like I'm only just clinging onto a small scrap of sanity, which is scary! Usually I'm quite logical. I've got anxiety which can lead to depression and I'm really trying to stop myself from sliding into it. In my mind, it feels like I'm dragging a rock uphill. I want to give up, but I know I can't. I'm so pleased I'm not the only one who's found Facebook to be a real obstacle in terms of moving on....I really thought I was morphing into some crazy person, thinking "oh he looks tired in that photo, he must be sleepless because he's thinking about me". I thought I could handle it and be mature about it, but I was soooo wrong! One of our mutual friends broke up with his girlfriend last year, and she deactivated her account just like you. At the time I thought "that's a bit excessive" but now I can relate to why she took a break for a few months. You really need to do whatever it takes to become a normal, happy person again.

 

Please ignore the above post too, I pressed enter accidently. Then I left the edit screen open too long when I got distracted and the time allowed to delete it expired.

P.S please ignore that post up there, I pressed enter accidently. Then I left the editing window open too long and I couldn't delete it.

Maybe one day we will collide again. We met when we were 12/13, had a brief period of dating when we were 15/16, life got in the way, back together at 17/18...but I know I can't live in hope that we will be reunited.

 

Endy: Thanks for that link, I checked it out briefly before and it had some great points, particularly the point of stopping obsessive thoughts about the other person. Last night, I was thinking about him and wondering if he was in bed thinking about me, and I had to really yell STOP IT! in my head. It helped, but I thought I must be going a bit loopy to have to tell myself off like that. How reassuring to know that not only is it not a sign of insanity, but it's recommended! I'm certainly going to take a good look at it later on tonight, when I have the time to properly read it and take it in.

 

It feels so self-indulgent moaning about all this on here. But I'm amazed at just how much it helps to write down my thoughts and read the stories of others in similar (often more difficult) situations than me. I don't expect anyone to respond to my posts, I mainly do it for therapeutic reasons, but I really appreciate anyone the taking the time to offer a bit of advice. I know I'd be in a real state if I had been left to my own devices.

[rkw]

Holy Moly, I just untagged all of my photos with him and saved any I felt like were important (family events etc). I noticed during this, one of his "people who inspire me" was me. I've never noticed this before, but I imagine it's from before we broke up. I feel so mean now.

[rkw]

NC is so hard. Today he sent me an email with my membership details for a frequent flyer program I joined last year (not essential info I needed right now, it could have waited), and just now, despite unfriending him on facebook he messages:

 

'Sorry to send you a message but I had to say happy birthday to you. Hope you have a lovely day!'

 

My birthday is tomorrow, but it sounds like he means today? Kinda want to write back YOU GOT THE WRONG DAY, BUDDY! or Quit being nice, you were a pretty lame boyfriend at the end so enough with the well wishing. Or maybe just thanks.

 

This is day 3 NC, I've been pretty proud with how I've been resisting. But he's making it hard. Earlier in the week, when we last spoke, I told him that I am incapable of being his friend or hearing from him at the moment. Why is he making this harder for us both??! I did say several times that because I still love him, I need NC in order to lose those feelings. Part of me thinks he's being selfish and trying to keep just a little of that love in my heart alive, in case the overseas career thing doesnt work out. I was having a good day today, and I feel like I've been pushed back.

[rkw]

Saw on Facebook a message from his sister, 'Thanks to my baby brother for the Amazon Kindle he gave me on the weekend'

 

Makes me feel so bitter and I'm not sure exactly why. I've wanted one since they were first released. He told me last week he had something really good for me, but I said no, I wont accept any birthday presents off you. Now he looks like an amazing brother, like he just bought her one out of the blue, when in fact he stupidly bought me something after we broke up and found himself stuck with it.

 

I feel like he gets all the opportunities to look good (generous, wanted to stay friends, was the one who was broken hearted) and I look bad (ignoring his polite emails, dumped him, wont accept gifts). Some mutual friends are barely contacting me anymore, and I think because they've sided with him. No one seems to realise he slowly broke my heart over 6 months, that I tried so hard to make it work. And even though I tried and tried, put everything I had into fixing it and working it out, and he continued to treat me like his last priority, he's the one who gets the sympathy?

 

Anyway, I dont want to cry anymore on my birthday. If anyone is reading, thanks for listening.

[DreamSeller]

This is the worst pain and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I do think that I've grown a lot since I've been through this. I've been in relationships before, but this breakup was the hardest. This is probably the first time that I've ever felt this kind of pain. I was in so much pain until one day, I've decided to accept the breakup for what it is. I think that once you accept it, you're able to embrace it and take pain for what it is. I was suffering because I was lying to myself. I kept saying that it was over, but yet, I was still hoping that it wasn't. It was just a lot of mixed emotions and I wasn't ready to let go. The relationship didn't end the day you ended it. It probably ended a long time ago and whatever happened that day was the last straw. When I think back, I only remember the good things and how he was so perfect for me, but the truth is that...if he was so perfect for me, we wouldn't be where we are now.

 

Endy,

From your posts and quote, you probably read Thich Nhat Hanh's books. I got a few of his books and started reading. It makes me feel like I need to slow down with this life and embrace that demon within me to be truly happy. If you do read his books, I'd love to hear your opinions.

[dramallama]

rkw, I think you should consider either blocking his facebook page or defriending his sister, or doing something do that ZERO news about him comes up in your newsfeed or you stop checking their pages. You can use leech block to block his page if you don't want to block him, but if you are still friends with his sister, I'd recommend cutting ties sooner rather than later.

[DN]

I agree that cyou should not be checking on his through Facebook. Anything he does you will somehow relate to you in a negative way and it will make you feel worse.