Our relationship

[Stabilus]

I'm here to get some advice and vent,

 

I'm in a de facto relationship and we have a 2yr old child. We are practically married without all the formalties. Before my partner fell pregnant I was seriously considering ending the relationship due to her behaviour. However when she was pregnant I knew I had to try and do the right thing so I bought a house for us to live in and bring up our child.

 

Over the past 2 years the relationship between us has been lousy. She constantly blames me for everything that goes wrong. For example she got a speeding ticket while I was in the car with her and she blamed me for it and asked me to pay it.

 

She constantly gets angry and makes 'rules' for me and then does the opposite. i.e. A rule was made that our son is not allowed to have a dummy anymore and I shouldnt give in when he is crying for it. Then as soon as he cries and and she cant hadle it she gives him the dummy. Or a rule that I am not allowed to go out on nights when she has been working, but then goes out herself on nights she has been working.

 

She constantly complains about how unhappy she is in the relationship because she doesnt feel loved and says that sometimes she wishes she was alone. Then the next day she will tell me she loves me and asks when am I ever going to marry her.

 

She also asks if im having an affair, which I have never done.

 

She gets angry at the smallest of things. Yesterday during a long car trip I put on my iphone to listen to some music because I didnt want to listen to the music she had on the radio and she became very angry and said that I was segragating myself from the family and was rude and selfish.

 

Generally if i'm in a good mood she finds a way to make me unhappy by saying something mean to me.

 

The above is just the tip of the iceburg and I always feel down around her. She is aggressive and controlling. I am not attracted to her at all anymore and the only reason I am still with her is because of our son, who she has threatened to take away at times.

 

I know im not the perfect guy but it is hard to be loving when im treated this way. I dont know if I should keep going with the relationship or just end it. It is such a hard decision when a child is involved, i love him.

[Captain Obvious]

End it, bringing a child up in such a relationship is doing more harm to him than good, my parents did the same thing and I honestly wish they hadnt.

[O-shen]

Your missus sounds EXACTLY like my recent ex.

 

Her behaviour was a little bad to begin with right? and got progressively worse?

 

Does she argue with you alot, about small things, about anything?

 

Does she say things she regrets in the heat of the moment?

 

My ex was always complaining that i didn't love her because i couldn't list 10 reasons to her.

Everything became my fault, she was very good at twisting words and turning everything on me.

Rarely would she ever take responsibility for her actions, and even more rare..........admit she made a mistake and say sorry.

Sometimes she could be wonderful, but i always knew it wouldn't be long until it all started again.

 

I put myself through that for EIGHT YEARS.

 

Dont Do It.

 

I know its harder when you have a child involved but, if you feel as mentally exhausted as i did, i would say thats not healthy.

[Stabilus]

Yes she argues with me a lot about trivial things. She never says sorry and is convinced that she is always right.

 

She is always asking me to explain myself and often doesn't believe what I say.

 

She tells me there is nothing left in the relationship and the next day will want to talk about having more children.

 

There are good moments but they are generally outweighed by arguments and complaining.

 

I feel mentally drained from it all.

 

I am worried one day I'm going to look back on my life and feel that it's been wasted on this relationship. And then I worry that if I do end it I won't have a good relationship with my son.

[teabee]

Well with the way it is now, the relationship obviously can't stand. At the root of it all, she sounds like an extremely hurting person and she is lashing out instead of recognizing that there's something wrong inside that she needs to acknowledge and deal with. If I were in your situation and I still really loved this person, I would be as much love as I could be and see if we could start addressing those things, but I would also start laying out some boundaries ("I will not allow myself to be treated in these ways"). I've been rotten to my boyfriend in various ways that ended up having everything to do with me and barely anything to do with him, and thank God he was compassionate and patient. If I were in your situation and I did not feel the relationship was worth working on, I would leave. The best thing you can do for you child is get yourself to a good place and be a good parent from that good place! Don't be misguided, thinking you can stay in an extremely unhealthy situation and somehow have that turn out to be the best choice for your child.

[RedDress]

I'm surprised no one has suggested councilling, yet. Now is the perfect time! You are fed up enough to do something about it... but not quite fed up enough to leave just yet. This is when councilling can actually work. When you WANT it to work and are willing to work at it.

 

I really think this is the answer. Like TeaBea said, it's most likely a behaviour that she is not even properly aware of. She needs to understand what she's doing to you and to your relationship.

 

I dunno... I'm all in favour of saving families. If there were no children involved, I'd tell you to leave. But you have the opportunity to try to fix it. I think you should do that, right?

 

When your car is broken, you take it to the mechanic. When your relationship is broken, you should take it to a councillor. Don't wait until it's beyond repair or you don't even care about fixing it anymore. At that point, it won't work. At this point? You still have a fighting chance.

 

Just my opinion...

[O-shen]

Stabilis - mate i cant stress how much everything you say sounds like my ex to a tee.

although 2 people are never the same, i do believe that alot may share very simmilar personality traits.

 

I Feel your pain. I really do. I have only recently broke up ( been dumped ) by my ex of 8 years. I was very close to being in your situation now. I can only tell you what 8 years of that was like. Not fun.

I loved her with all my heart, and still do. secretly i just wish she would change.

Be nicer to me in general.

Not flip out over little things.

Be reasonable.

be realistic.

be responsible. (for her actions)

Not be afraid of saying sorry, fearing its some kind of weakness.

admit mistakes.

Be less " drama queen ".

Stop making other people's problems, our problems.

Praise me once and a while.

 

I could go on forever.........

 

One day she would get angry about something and wouldn't get over it for a couple of days. Then she would be happy, and be asking me when i was going to propose, and kids. To be honest, i wanted kids with her, and deep down, still do.

But i just couldn't find myself making that commitment to someone who was so up and down, so mentally draining.

 

I always had to explain myself, it was like a battle of wits. Where did i go after work? why did i go there? where else did you go? who else did you see? why didn't you ring me? coulnd't you be bothered? AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

It really made my brain hurt. And in return i would get angry about why the heck i was always explaining myself, i hadn't done anything wrong.

 

But it's the outside factor that really counts. People around me notice the little things. Like when she rings, my voice changes to all dismal, because i am used to being abused over the phone. My workmates no nothing about my relationship, yet one calls her the " happiness vampire" and he's dead on the money.

 

I love her, so much it's really not funny, so much that i might just be stupid enough to listen to her may she ever come back.

I am heartbroken at loosing her, and not a day goes past i dont think of her.

 

But i know now, the relationship it was unhealthy. As with you, i am not perfect, but i did make fair effort, especially to make her feel loved and special. but it was never enough. it never would be.

Although i miss her i am also glad. She was trying to get me to buy a house, while she has lost her licsense twice for drink driving and also has no work. I tried to tell her it probably wasn't the right time, but she wouldn't hear it. She accused me of being negative. She tried to bully me into getting joint bank acounts and almost broke up over it with me. I even tried to sit down with her and her parents to crunch some numbers for a loan on our earnings and she was simply uncontrollable.

She wouldn't admit her income, hid extra cost's, simply didn't want to hear it and stormed out, when i only truly wanted to see were we stood financially. I had already told her i love her wether she had a job or not, just be reasonable and think about it.

 

She just refused and said i had commitment problems. And maybe i did. Maybe subconsiously i didn't want to spend the rest of my life explaining my every move, walking on tippy toes for her, being accused and abused of everything, bringing up my every single mistake from years and years ago. How would i deal with all this when we had kids and a mortgage? I already felt so drained and tired being just around her.

 

I always wished she would change, and sometimes she did, but only for a short time.

I just spent 8 years of MY LIFE waiting for her to change.

and guess what??...............

 

 

 

 

 

............she didn't.

 

 

 

Maybe try sit your girl down and tell her how it is as a last resort, but if she is anything like mine, that will get you no where.

She wont want to hear about it, and 5 mins in, somehow its all YOUR fault.

 

If any of this sounds familliar, i know it sucks, but from 8 YEARS worth of suffering i would say.......................................................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Its time to abandon ship.

[O-shen]

And let me quickly add, abandonning ship doesn't mean you have to abandon your boy. When he grows up, you can tall him why then, and by that stage you will be a happy healthy man. Better than sticking with his mum, being miserable and possibly affecting his childhood in a bad way.

 

All this is just my opinion from experience.

 

Oh and i think the post regarding coucilling is a good one. Why not, you have nothing to lose.

 

My ex and i were going to go and do it. Then we had an argument about it..........................................

[O-shen]

sorry if i sound a bit negative mate, i'm just going through my break up with VERY simmilar issues.

 

I wish you well and hope whatever happens, you sort it out and get happy.

[Lester]

Dear Stabilus,

You can't change your D.wife with desire only. You can change yourself which in turn may change your D.wife. Without change you may find yourself looking back one day on parade of different partners with surprisingly similar issues.

 

Anger… many times is a wife’s only defense to frustration.

[Stabilus]

I'm surprised no one has suggested councilling, yet. Now is the perfect time! You are fed up enough to do something about it... but not quite fed up enough to leave just yet. This is when councilling can actually work. When you WANT it to work and are willing to work at it.

I really think this is the answer. Like TeaBea said, it's most likely a behaviour that she is not even properly aware of. She needs to understand what she's doing to you and to your relationship.

We have been to about six counselling sessions and they have helped to some degree but the relationship has gone downhill again and she still continues with the mental abuse.

 

sorry if i sound a bit negative mate, i'm just going through my break up with VERY simmilar issues.

I wish you well and hope whatever happens, you sort it out and get happy.

Thanks. I appreciate your input. Your relationship sounds very similiar to mine.

 

Its just so exhausting waking up every morning and wondering if she is going to be happy or angry again. This morning she couldnt find her work ID, got upset about it and implied that it was my fault it had gone missing.

She works two days a week and I work five days a week. I took three extra days leave from work over easter and today she wants me to take our son to daycare, mow the lawn, do two baskest of ironing, wash the clothes, clean the bathroom and toilet, return an item to the store and post some items she sold on ebay. Then she left without saying goodbye.\

She also doesnt like me doing anything without her and wants to go everywhere I do. I can't even go for a surf for a half a day once a fortnight without her telling me that im selfish. I really wanted to do some travel/short trips on my own and talked to her about it but she flew off the handle and told me should would leave if I did. This really upsets me because it has been something I have wanted to do my whole life.

Sometimes I think that she is right in the way she behaves and then there is another side of me that thinks its not right

[O-shen]

A question i have for you...............

 

What do your close friends and family see between you?

 

Because i also had the feelings of " maybe it's me, maybe i am just not doing enough, maybe i complain to much, maybe i expect to much, maybe this is how life is meant to be and i should just suck it up."

But i had close friends tell me they saw me as pretty miserable when i was around her. And they were saying these things 4 yrs into the relationship. In the back of my head i started to figure out i didn't deserve to have to live like that, but she was SO GOOD at turning everything onto me, she even had me believing it.

Many people who saw her regular abusive outbursts towards me would sometimes approach me sometime later and say something to the effect of " mate, everyone argue's, but how she acts and treats you is just not right. Its not healthy, i dont know how you put up with it."

The mental mind games, abuse slowly desroyed me inside. Although i very seldom got angry and yelled at her, i would try and defend myself in a polite manner based on facts and rationality. She would simply become irrational, unreasonable and abusive, to a point were i felt i couldn't communicate with her, and gave up defending myself as i was so mentally drained from the argument, and she would continue to finish me off, not content to stop her rant until she vented her frustration on me.

 

I told her all of this. More than once.

Yet she continued to do it. All i can think is, it is a part of who she is, and that makes me sad.

 

I think a big part of it was this....

 

Arguing is generally going to happen at some stage and to some extent, and i believe there is a healthy way and an unhealthy way of this happenenig.

 

When it happened, i tried to communicate with her, i tried to take responsibility for my actions, i tried to work towards a solution in a non accusing passive manner.

 

But it was different to her. It wasn't about being rational. it wasn't about talking about how we felt and how we could both improve to fix this.

 

No.

 

To her...........it was about winning.

 

She refused to " lose" an argument, no matter how in the wrong she was, no matter how much she hurt me with her words, NO MATTER WHAT. she just had to WIN. Sometimes she would do something so wrong and i would tell her that the way she was behaving was hurting me.........and 10 mins later and i am the one being accused and abused, about stupid irrelevant things like the lift i didn't give her 5 years ago, or wanting to have sex with younger women, which i certainly had no intention of and she had no reason to think such a thing. It really made my blood BOIL sometimes, because what had started about her inappropriate actions, has now turned into an abuse session on all my faults........W . T .F. ??

 

Unreasonable, Unrealistic, Irresponsible.

 

I too, told her all of this over the years and again, she did not deny that she did it. She knew that she did it, and i explained to her that i loved her alot, and it really hurt me when she was like that. It took so much mental strain to defend myself over everything, i was then left feeling extremely tired and miserable. Although she genuinely listened, and i would notice a slight change, it wasn't long before she exploded again and we were back to square one.

 

I dont know how many times we went through this over the years.

 

The only positive i can draw from this is my inner strength. The strength that people do not see. No rightminded person would subject themselves to that kind of treatment for any period of time. Yet i loved her, and i did. For 8 years i put up with everything, and i know deep down, it has damaged and destroyed large parts of me. Wether they can be fixed or not is yet to be seen. But guess what?

 

Under all that pressure and strain............ i am still standing. Of all the destructive, heartbreaking things she did to me, over and over and over............ I am still here...........i simply refuse to crumble.

 

Its been almost 3 weeks without her and although in the first week i didn't know how i would live without her, i am now........ well .......okayish..............most of the time. I know i need to heal, lick my wounds and realise that i am already happier alone with nobody than i was with someone that i loved that treated me poorly.

 

Although i cant stand the idea of her with someone else, i think she may get a rude awakening when she tries, and i pity the poor soul that becomes her mental punching bag. I wonder how long it will take her to realise that you simply cannot behave that way and expect to be loved in return, the fact that i DID do that, may really mess her up when REALITY sets up in. I am guessing it will take a few short relationships before she realises that no-one wants to put up with her crazy up down abusive destructive denial ridden behaviour and possibily comes searching for someone who will.

 

ME.

 

But by then it will be to late.

 

I FORGIVE HER, BUT i WILL NEVER FORGET THE THINGS SHE DID

 

Sorry to rant on your page bud, just kinda flowed out when i started writting, but figure if you are in something simmilar, maybe you can take something from it.

[Stabilus]

Well last night she wanted to talk about our relationship and told me how miserable and unhappy she is. She said she doesn't care about me anymore and doesn't like doing anything for me. This went on for about 20mins.

 

Then I put the TV on asked if she wanted to watch that movie on TV last night about Prince William and Kate Middleton. All of a sudden she was happy again and was even happy this morning and kissed me goodbye.

 

The woman goes up and down quicker than a yo yo. It's doing my head in. Im going to stay with her for a few more months so I can save some money and then I'm going to have to end it, I can't put up with her madness any longer.

 

I can't wait to live on my own. She is 7 years older than me and whats different things in life. There are a lot of things in life that I havent had the chance to do yet but because she already has done them she really couldnt care less if I ever do them or not. Im looking forward to being free to do these things without someone holding me back and trying to make me feel bad.

[Lester]

Sounds like you’re going back and forth. That’s pretty typical. I think her age has little to do with anything.

On the other hand…listening to her for twenty minutes produced…”All of a sudden she was happy again and was even happy this morning and kissed me goodbye.”

 

That’s amazing, wouldn’t you say? Something you did produced a positive change in her. Isn’t that what you want?

 

Buy Gary Smalley’s paperback “If only he knew” Read and apply his suggestions. (Don’t let her see it! Otherwise you won’t know if her reactions are real.)

 

Your De facto divorce will suck. It will hurt you and your child in ways you cannot fathom.

Exhaust all possible solutions before going down that road.

 

Many men find that their new partners, after the honeymoon stage, have interestingly similar problems to their old partner.

 

The biggest difference is there’s a lot less money in their pocket.

[Stabilus]

I think it was the excitement of will an Kate's wedding that made the change.

 

I could have better luck in another relationship. I don't think I love my current partner, I don't think I ever have.

 

Do you really think it would be worse for my son if we split up rather than bringing him up in a tense household?

[Lester]

Hi Stabilus, If you don't love her...that's it. Only you can answer that question.

 

If it's just marital issues which you currently don't understand then all your future relationships will most likely have the same issues.

 

The best way answer that question;

If your wife suddenly for no explainable reason became all that you ever wanted, (happy, fun, loving, sexy, adventurous and so on), would you still want to leave?

 

Yes, you were most likely not compatible from the start.

No, Make sure you’re not the cause.

 

Questions about your son are premature.

[O-shen]

The best way answer that question;

If your wife suddenly for no explainable reason became all that you ever wanted, (happy, fun, loving, sexy, adventurous and so on), would you still want to leave?

 

..

 

Why would anyone want to leave thier partner if they became everything they ever dreamed?

 

The better question is........can you see them becoming that person?

 

and if so, for how long?

[Stabilus]

I wouldn't want to leave her if she became everything I ever wanted. But if my worst enemy turned into everything I ever wanted I wouldn't want to leave them either

 

I'm just not attracted to her and don't love her. I don't picture a future for us like other couples would. All I seem to think about is how my life could be if we split up and all the things that I could do being single and having my freedom back.

 

I just don't know what is the best decision to make. Staying with her and seeing my son everyday OR leaving her and seeing my son part time.

[Lester]

Us husbands affect our wives more than we know. You're wife may be depressed because you don't love her the way she needs to be loved. Therefore she might be capable of being all the things you desire in your wife, (or may not), but you need to genuinely love her first.

 

Being single and having your freedom back has it's own set of troubles and longings.

 

Again, only you can decide to stay with your wife. Nobody can answer such a question for you. But... if you're not sure why not try a different approach?

[Stabilus]

Well it was going good for a while but it has gone pear shaped again. We met up after work to go out for dinner tonight and went to a bar first. At the bar I bought her a drink and she sat next to me, then out of nowhere she gets upset because I didn't turn my head to look at her while she spoke, refuses to talk to me any more, downs her drink and walks out of the bar. So I go out to where she parked and get in the car with her where she becomes aggressive, raising her voice and calling me selfish and a pathetic excuse for a person. She then blames the argument on me and says I started it so I could just go home and football on TV. Then demands I take her out for dinner.

 

Does anyone consider this normal?

[hexaemeron]

Well it was going good for a while but it has gone pear shaped again. We met up after work to go out for dinner tonight and went to a bar first. At the bar I bought her a drink and she sat next to me, then out of nowhere she gets upset because I didn't turn my head to look at her while she spoke, refuses to talk to me any more, downs her drink and walks out of the bar. So I go out to where she parked and get in the car with her where she becomes aggressive, raising her voice and calling me selfish and a pathetic excuse for a person. She then blames the argument on me and says I started it so I could just go home and football on TV. Then demands I take her out for dinner.

 

Does anyone consider this normal?

 

Leave her. How much more do you need?

[f1r3f1y3]

Why would you accept this behaviour at all? When your son grows up, will you find it ok for him to accept this from someone else?

 

When he grows up you will be his hero and you must lead by example.

[xmnj]

Your relationship sounds just like mine, where my wife would be happy one minute, and the next sending me text messages about how I'm a jerk and a bad husband. Do yourself a favor and move on, that's what I did and I have happy! Sure I missed her in the beginning, but just having a piece of mind and not having to deal with the verbal abuse makes up for it.

[Lester]

Yep... it's normal.

When a wife feels she is being taken for granted… Perfectly normal.

 

You said, "she gets upset because I didn't turn my head to look at her while she spoke," This is a classic mistake husbands make…compounded by a public setting.

 

Wives love face to face with a person who is interested in every word they say. It makes her feel special and therefore draws her closer to you.

 

Would you treat a date like that? If so, what do you think her reaction would be?

[Stabilus]

Well it all went pear shaped again today after a month of calm. We had planned for our son to stay with his grandmother over the weekend and we would go out to dinner and spend some time cleaning around the house in preparation for his 2nd birthday party.

 

His grandmother called last night and asked if she could pick him up at 9:30am and instead of 3:30pm today. I asked my partner if this was ok and she said yes.

 

This morning I get up at 6:30 to get my son out of bed and get him ready for the day. He had wet his nappy during the night and his pyjamas were also a wet so I decided to change him into clothes. He wasn’t happy about this because it was a cold morning and had a bit of cry. Then my partner walks in, sits down and starts to criticise me for taking him out of his pyjamas and that it’s all my fault that he is upset. I tell her to go back to bed because I don’t want to argue. Then tells me that he doesn’t’ have enough nappies and that I have to go out before I leave for work and buy some more. I said no and that she or his grandmother will need to get them because I have to be at work on time.

 

She now starts to raise her voice and become more aggressive. Telling me that I’m a selfish pig, saying that my mother is causing problems by picking our son up early and that I am always taking my mothers side. I tell her that if she had a problem with him being picked up early she should have said something last night and not in the morning when I have to get ready and go to work. It is clearly upsetting my son at this point.

 

So I get my son dressed and take him to the kitchen and prepare him some cereal for breakfast and start to feed it to him and he is happy again. All the while my partner is following me around the house, raising her voice, yelling, swearing, putting me down, blaming myself and my mother for the argument, and saying things like I don’t give her the credit she deserves for organising flights and accommodation for our next vacation. She then says ‘Your mother is a and I hate her!’ At this point I have had enough of her abuse and threw the plastic bowl of cereal at her. She then starts yelling and screaming even more and makes a whole bunch of threats about not being allowed to see my son and leaving me. My poor little son starts crying again and so I pick him up give him a hug and get him some more cereal. She continues to yell and scream saying that my son is now not going away for the weekend, its all my fault and telling me that I need to go get counselling for my anger. Then she takes photos of the cereal for evidence.

 

So in the midst of all this I manage to get ready for work, and talk her into letting my son go to grandmas for the weekend because there was no way I wanted him to be in the house with all this occurring.

 

What a disaster!