The jealousy is ruining our relationship!

[Dagmar]

It will be a year ago this summer, my bf cheated. It was a one time hook-up. I've worked thru the pain & disrespect issues and we've now been together 4-1/2 yrs (despite ppl's advise on this forum to dump him & move on). He was very remorseful then & still is, and we both felt the many positive aspects of our relationship were worth salvaging and building on, still do.

 

The problem is... He keeps thinking that I'm cheating or going to cheat to get back at him. It's a very hurtful cycle, he accuses me of cheating, sometimes playfully, and sometimes, especially after he's been drinking, he is downright nasty, accusing and verbally abusive ie...has called me every name in the book. And, he has started this controlling, third degree, interrogation routine which has worsened steadily. Usually an argument commences, the accusations fly, and a very unpleasant yelling match ends in my threat to break up (or "take a break") Then he apologizes & explains that he doesn't know how to deal with his guilt & mistrust issues and claims he hates himself for what he did & that he can't find a way to forgive himself & it eats at him everyday. (this last step may or may not include tears)

 

I've told him I forgave him a long time ago, I love & respect him, he's my one & only, I have no desire to cheat or "get him back" and I've promised that I will never cheat. But, we just keep finding ouselves back at square one with the cycle repeating & worsening. We love each other and get along great most the time but this is definitely a big chuck hole in our road to happiness.

[metrogirl]

Well then he should seek out some therapy in dealing with his issues. If anyone should be angry it should be you, afterall he is the idiot that created this whole fiasco.

[DWNWRDSPRL]

It won't get any better until he forgives himself for what he did to you. Even though you have forgiven him, it's his inner turmoil that is causing his jealousy......unless he was like that before the betrayal.

 

Is he receptive to getting help? Stopping the drinking should be his first step since he seems to get nastier when drinking.

 

If he is unwilling to do either, then it may be time to step back and take stock.

 

I can tell you that the jealousy won't get better with time. It might worsen.

 

Good luck to you.

[erase this face]

The writing is on the wall. As it was last time, but you didn't want to see it then and you don't want to see it now.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

ok guys, he just called. he was most apologetic, and got rid of her. i told him we can work on it and it will take time to rebuild the trust, and if he ever cheats again, i will cheat on him, it won't be pretty!

 

This is what you wrote in your first thread about the original cheating episode. Sounds like he took you at your word and is now wondering when the other shoe is going to drop (you cheating). So, it could be this he is reacting to OR..it is very possible he is cheating again. Often someone who is cheating will go over the top accusing their partner of cheating. So I have to wonder if he is cheating again and projecting his bad behaviour on to you. You should not put up with his abuse. You have done nothing wrong and he should not be treating you as if you did.

[bulletproof]

 

The problem is... He keeps thinking that I'm cheating or going to cheat to get back at him. It's a very hurtful cycle, he accuses me of cheating, sometimes playfully, and sometimes, especially after he's been drinking, he is downright nasty, accusing and verbally abusive ie...has called me every name in the book. And, he has started this controlling, third degree, interrogation routine which has worsened steadily.

 

As you already know, this is not okay behavior regardless of what's occurred in the past. It's abusive and follows the textbook cycle of abuse (nastiness followed by argument followed by apology after damage has already been done).

 

I agree with those who say he needs to stop drinking if he cannot control himself. I also wonder if maybe those people who said you should break up when the cheating happened were correct?

[catfeeder]

He's doing what's called 'turning the tables', and it's as manipulative as it gets. Unless you enjoy feeling crazy and guilty all the time when you've done nothing wrong, question whether this is how you really want to live out your future--because it's not going to change.

 

The people who originally suggested dumping the guy weren't trying to be cruel. This was predictable, and I hope you'll reconsider what you're really getting out of this.