Finally need to heal MYSELF..but he wont let me

[ay0_x]

Hey all.

 

I came out of a 10 month relationship 2 months ago. It was a relationship with a great guy.. but alas it was blatantly obvious to anyone who saw that I loved him a lot more than he loved me, and did much more for him than he ever reciprocated. Like anyone else I eventually got sick of it.

 

Being an idiot, I did not ask for NC so we have been in contact for the past 2 months. He has been trying very hard to get me back (which pushes me away because I feel like it's too late..). One day he'd be sweet, trying to win me back. The next day he'd be a bit of a jerk saying things like "Idc if you date others.. go do you I seriously dont care anymore" the next he'd call me in tears raging at me, calling me a monster, an egomaniac, etc, because I wouldn't tell him I loved him or missed him.

 

In that two month span I have had guy friends come out of the woodwork and try to be with me but a resounding "I'm not ready" from my part has been the answer. Even so, I've been keeping occupied by helping other people with their problems, school, gym, etc.. I've been doing anything I can to not think about my own pain.

 

Until yesterday when I couldn't take it anymore. I called my ex asking him for NC because I couldn't always be healing him when I was so broken on the inside. He made some threats via text message that sounded like suicide threats, so I kept trying to call him to no avail. I emailed his best friend asking him to take care of him. My ex then called me saying he hadn't threatened suicide, but self mutilation ( Now.. i used to cut when i was 16 (I am 19 now).. it was an addiction, and a habit that was very hard to break and left some disgustiing scars on me. Of course he knows this, and knows how I feel about it. He had never done it before he met me, but he did it a couple of months before our break up- shallow little cuts that he wore a tshirt to make sure I'd see. It made me angry at the time but evoked my sympathy.. last night just made me really really really angry. I told him I didn't want to speak to him again bcause he takes too much out of me.

 

He called at 5 am begging me to say to him that I might give him another chance a few years down the track (I don't see what the point of this is.. its not like I know whats going to happen then I told him to go away but eventually caved in and said "we'll see but dont even try it within the next year".

 

I'm his first girlfriend, which is why he's taking it so hard. He's also very shy so its hard for him to meet people, he also doesn't like Asian girls (He's Asian and hardly any other race will date Asian guys around here.. I'm not Asian though) which makes it harder for him.

 

It's hard on me, too, but I guess I've been through enough crap in my life that this breakup isn't so bad in comparison- I came from a broken home where as his was really perfect and he's never really had to deal with a lot of the problems I've had to deal with.

 

I just want to heal myself but I cant help but feel guilty. I might not get any sympathy from here because I'm the dumpER, but I really did love this guy and he never showed me the same love back, and its just not that easy to live with after a while. This is the first time I'm dealing with my own hurt from the relationship- all 10 months of it- and it's enough of a challenge and I can't stand to speak to him right now. But he has no problem telling me I'm a cruel monster for it.

 

I just dont know what to do anymore

[90_hour_sleep]

I just dont know what to do anymore

 

you're doing it...

 

it sounds cold...but you're not accountable for the way others feel. you can be sensitive to another person's situation...you can show compassion...but ultimately, you are not responsible (the only exception i can think of is one's child). you know...i think it's often misunderstood that asking for distance, space, time, etc. automatically translates to something cold and negative. honestly though...i think when people hurt, they tend to exploit the situation. it's not usually a pretty picture. that being said...it makes a lot of sense. pain is a great trigger for reactive behaviour. and that's what it boils down to. and...the fact that you're here posting...sharing what you feel...it means you've been lured into that trap. in a sense...you're being exploited. at no point has this man stopped to contemplate the effect HE is having on YOU. he's reactive. this is what pain does to people. essentially...he's in self-preservation mode. he'll do whatever it takes to protect HIM.

 

it really does seem that the most effective way to escape that reactive state is to have some distance. he needs time to reflect...to come back to his senses. you ARE doing him a favour by removing yourself from the picture. and that comes with the added benefit of giving you the space to breathe again.

 

people who leave are people too. we're not the monsters others make us out to be. breaking up was the only solution we found viable. he'll come to terms with that...and maybe in time this guy will come to see you as someone who had the courage to do a difficult thing.

 

you time. that's what you can do.

[niceguy1]

I can relate to your situation but I was on the other side of the coin. I can relate to how your ex feels except I did try hard in the relationship. My ex girlfriend broke up with me about 2 and a half months ago. Needless to say I was heart broken, it was my first serious relationship (i'm 22 years old btw) and it lasted 8 months. I did all the wrong things during the first month of us being broken up, I kept contacting her, I tried to win her back, one minute being nice to her, the other minute getting angry at her, pointing out her faults and calling her names etc. I also said to her that I thought about cutting, I was being over dramatic and it was a threat that I would never go through with. She called one of my good friends to talk to me. She didn't want any contact from me but I couldn't let go and kept contacting her. She got really mad at me for calling her whenever we spoke, she got fed up. After a month of this back and forth, she enforced no contact. It was very hard for me at the beginning, because I didn't know how to handle a breakup. I'm glad she enforced no contact because it gave me a chance to heal and recover. It's been a month and half since we've last had contact and I'm happy with my life.

 

The threatening to cut is a tactic for him to have some control over you. You did the right thing by contacted his friend to deal with it. He is mixed up emotionally right now. Please enforce no contact, It will be better for him in the long run. You can speak to him when he gets his emotions under control. It might take a while I say give it 3 months absolutely no contact, It will let him get his emotions in check

[niceguy1]

Don't reply to any of his phone calls or texts. He will probably send you hateful messages because you're ignoring him. Stay strong during those times, don't give in. It will better for both of you in the long run

[Tryptophan]

Go No Contact, it'll be better for both of you; and he'll try to make you feel miserable (emotional blackmail) if you are his crutch. Next thing you know he'll be moving right along. I thought my guy was shy, and non-talkative, and would have a hard time finding someone new too. It seemed impossible, next thing I know, he's moving right along to his 'best female friend'. It seems like guys after a breakup just grow pride and are all of a sudden casanovas.

[AutumnBorn]

You have caller ID? Don't pick up the phone when he calls. By taking the calls, you encourage him.

[ay0_x]

Thank you so much for your support. It's been so hard. All my friends are asking me why I won't vent to them.. but all my friends want to date me (females included). I know I'm no good for him in the long run. We have some very different values, different interests. I don't think I would have ever gotten used to his family (they're very quiet and not very.. hmm.. inviting?) and it would have caused us so much drama.

 

 

 

Thank you for sharing.. I think I'll do exactly what you said as it's very good to hear the other side of the story.

 

 

 

And this hits waaaayy too close to home After we broke up, he started writing statuses like "Can't wait " "Yeah you're something special huh " on his msn (I cant for the life of me figure out how to block people on the new version of messenger, but I appear offline all the time so that works anyway). Before NC, I'd notice all these girls appearing out of nowhere on his facebook, his phone, his msn- all of whom were old friends. Guess they're only shy and quiet when they want to be -_-

[ay0_x]

Aaah. He sent me an email last night tellin me he'd been on a date with an old friend of his and it had gone really well and "Thank you for being a stepping stone for me". What a jerk. We only started NC a couple of days ago and you were begging and crying and now I'm just a steppin stone? Yeah right.

 

He's also now chatting to a 17 year old girl.. he's 21 and studying to be a teacher. I'm pretty disturbed by this. But he's not my problem.

 

They really do move on fast for such clingers. How fake can one person be

[MakeItCount]

He's not moving on, he's running away from his pain. HE's also extremely manipulating. Just block him from everything you can. Watch him come back crying soon enough.

[HeartGoesOn]

He knows this is upsetting you, and it seems to be working. You're only torturing yourself by playing his game, and staying in contact. As long as you continue to tolerate this behaviour, he'll have zero respect for you. Why not change that?

[ay0_x]

He knows this is upsetting you, and it seems to be working. You're only torturing yourself by playing his game, and staying in contact. As long as you continue to tolerate this behaviour, he'll have zero respect for you. Why not change that?

 

I'm not in contact with him. I didn't reply to his email, and with the 17 yr old.. his sister called me. She was freaking out. She already had enough time accepting ME as his girlfriend, since I'm a different race- but with a 17 year old schoolgirl she went psycho and called and begged for me to take him back.

 

You raise a really interesting point about respect though.. It was one thing that was really lacking when we were together and is absolutely nonexistent now.