Tired of dating

[rose35]

Sometimes i just feel like i am never going to love someone the way i loved my ex..yes it is more emotional b/c he was first physical experience, first love..he was older and i was young and jealous etc etc..but i really truly loved him and loved being around him. It's been done for awhile and i have really tried dating..basically using an online site..haven't met anyone else anywhere else in general, too hard.

 

I don't even think i was rushing to meet people..alot of times i would take a break for a few months or weeks whatever it is..but i havent dated anyone for over a month since him and its been a couple of years now. I am in mid mid twenties. I honestly don't like dating..i almost feel lazy about meeting them in person b/c it's anxiety to get ready, get to the place and the anxiety of waiting for them and hoping it turns out well and then it can be a major low no matter how much you lower your expectations. You can't help but hope there is something there.

 

I really don't like the dating process and the hope it's not a waste of time..i enjoy being at that point where you are in the relationship and it's sort of settled in a sense. I like that feeling. And i miss it very much. I also miss my ex..i think if i had met someone i really liked and felt the same then i probably would be alot more over him by now. I can't help but look back when it's the best i have had you know?

 

I feel like i had a really good thing but i was young and made silly mistakes with my jealousy and clinginess. And now everyone seems to be with someone and moving in and i just keep thinking i had such a good thing..yes of course he wans't perfect but i really loved him.

 

Just feel so blue and average lately.

 

If you read my current thread i did meet someone this weekend from the site and i am determining if i am attracted enough to keep dating him. I was more attracted to my ex and a few other guys even from the site..but he also more attractive than some that i met on the site as well.

[22n32]

i feel the exact way.. my ex gf was younger by 7 yrs.. i loved her very much, we were enganged.. dated 1.5yrs.. bu 3 months ago..

 

ive gone on at least 15 dates.. i cant find or feel that spark and passion with anyone.. i feel im doomed forever..

 

and i too hate the whole dating procceses..

[rose35]

yea i just miss everything about him..everything sort of fell into place when i met him and i was young at the time so i was anxious but just sort of went with the flow b/c i didn't really have much dating experience..after a few months were pretty much exclusive and him telling me loved me

 

It was the best time to me on the weekends being at his apartment alone just hanging out, watching movies.

 

I just miss it really dearly right now for some reason.

 

I really want to fall in love again but sometimes i think no matter what, i am always going to live in the past somewhat...

[bungalo]

Feel the same way...dating is a pain in the ass...and I'm wayyy older than you peeps. I haven't felt that connection with ANYONE else EVER...and its not because I'm lovesick with unrequited love. I KNOW SHE LOVES ME. She just hasn't gotten over her fear of commitment..and maybe never will...I will probably see her at a social thing on Saturday..I miss alll the same things you guys are talking about...just hanging out, watching movies, companionship...

[rose35]

yea, my friends are telling me if this guy wants to see me again to keep seeing him and spend time with him and see if the attraction goes and if worst comes to worse then i need to tell him the truth.

 

I am actually trying to count my dating experiences from online; i dont think i will even remember everyone and not in exact order but here goes:

 

1. probably a few months after the break up..inside i was an emotional wreck..nothing really there, we didn't have much to say..still talk to him on aim about current dating problems actually.

2. Another i only found one picture kinda cute so i met him..he was kinda shorter than me which i tried to overlook, wasn't really sure if i was feeling it..he actually disappeared though..it was only that one meeting and he seemed interested but then vanished lol..i even texted him to make sure he was ok and nothing.

3. another one, i kinda liked him but i think he just lived too far and he didn't seem all too interested either

4. Another one was just weird..met him after work and i stayed there to talk but knew nothing was going to come of it.

5. Another was sort of ok looking but i didnt like his personality..he kept answering his texts from a friend and it wasn't an emergency

6. Another i met and i kinda knew in the first meeting there was nothing there.

7. Another i met in a different area and he was actually pretty nice and down to earth, i questioned if i was attracted and i think i should have given him more of a chance..we still lived far and he eventually met someone else but not from the site..i kinda regret not trying harder with that one..he was actually pretty cool..this was this past year with that one

8. Another one was ok and we went on a few dates and after being a little physical he disappeared..he wasn't the greatest catch so no harm no foul in the end.

9. Another i met who was in his 30's and still doing those organized bar runs etc..just seemed a little immature..but i actually dont think he was all that interested b/c i didn't hear from him again..even though we spent like 2 hours in the bar together

10. Another i thought would have been better looking if his personality didn't ruin it..just sort of really rude in some ways and almost like he didnt know how to act..i tried 2 dates and knew that was it.

11. Another was just too too shy for my taste..i know for one thing--i like someone who can be a little outspoken and like that strong cliche type in a sense..i felt like i would be more outspoken than him..it just wasn't for me

12. Another i tried to be attracted to but i just wasnt..i think we went out 2-3 times and i just wasn't feeling it

13. Another i met but i wasn't really sure if i was all too attracted but he actually lived about 2 hours away..it was hard for him just meeting that once..that eventually faded; i almost forgot about that one.

14. One i met and i knew in 10 minutes i was attracted..it went very well and we actually kissed..i knew he had a busy schedule..but he canceled a few times and i heard his work in the background so i believed him..seemed like maybe he was playing the field who knows..i really liked him..months later i randomly texted him and he did say a family member introduced him to someone

15. Another i met and i think my nerves were getting the best of me..i felt a little tipsy during the date..we did kiss and we still texted after i got home but then he disappeared with no explanation..

16. He had a good personality; something about him and he was even slightly shorter than me and had a baby but that wasn't really stopping me. We went out i think once or twice and i think he really liked me but i just didn't persue it further..i think we even spoke a few months later to say hi but then that was it.

 

There must be a few more but can't think of them at the moment. This is in a 2 and a half year span which i am thinking is a decent amount giving the fact that you still have to find the next person online, exchange emails, talk on the phone and then meet..and sometimes i would take breaks in between and sometimes i was talking to the person a few weeks and b/c of distance it too longer to see each other etc. And also usually around the holidays i wouldn't actively look during that time and kept busy with other things.

[ut804]

same here. I am so tired of dating. I met about 20 guys from online dating over the past year. and im still single. i don't even get excited or nervous anymore. it became a chore. Like i have a date on sunday. am I excited? not really. am I nervous? not really. because I know if I like him he will not like me, or if he likes me I will not like him, or we won't like each other. just another dinner in another restuarant and another boring getting-to-know-you conversation. I hate dating. I miss being in a long-term relationship. I miss that security, I miss that bond and connection, I miss having that one person who I can really count on and talk to. People tell me I should just give up. but why? I will just guarentee myself single if I don't try.

 

and this online dating? i think a date went great but then he's back on that damn site and I never hear from him again. they are always looking for someone better. and it seems as though guys from online sites are lower-quality. i always get disappointed anyway when i meet them.

[rose35]

wow i feel like that post from you was from me! lol..it is exactly how i feel..it became a chore--but i still get nervous with meeting..i just hate the anxiety of it..until they actually enter the place and sit down--then i feel better regardless b/c atleast i know. I hate getting ready for it and taking time out to get ready and get to the spot and the same interview type questions. And then its a disappointment when things don't go well regardless how low you place your expectations. I spent 2 hours with one person who didn't seem like he wanted to go and then i never heard from him..i would have left an hour earlier..people are just really weird.

 

And i also agree--it is always something..either you like them alot and they aren't as into you or just happen to meet someone else, you both don't like each other or they like you and it's not as mutual..or they have some story about themselves..heavy bagged, even prison.

 

I knew back then this is what it would be like, i would have done ALOT of things differently with my ex. Friends are always saying you can't compare everyone to your ex..of course you are going to compare someone to someone else when you haven't found better or close to normal and the same attraction etc.

 

Have you read my other thread? i met someone this past weekend and i am unsure if i like them or how attracted i am..has this happened to you? Supposed to see him for the 3rd time this weekend.

[ut804]

^^^

Yeah it's kinda like finding a job. You put all this effeort in, get nervous, get all prepared and then you don't get the job. But you have to keep looking because if you don't then you are gaurenteed not to get anything. so you just need to have hope that one day it will happen.

 

I think i did read your other thread. some people claim that attraction can grow and so you should give people the chance and date them for a while to see if anything happens. im different though, for me I either like the guy on the first date or I don't like him and never will. I have done that before though-- went out with a guy who was a nice guy but i wasn't really that attracted to him. I dated him for a month and realized my attraction would never grow so I ended it. and I felt so horrible for having wasting a month of his time! Thats why now if I don't feel anything on a first date or I am unsure, there won't be a second date. I need that "woww he's amazing!! look at those eyes! look at that smile!" feeling. so go on that third date and if you still arent sure then maybe you should end it?

[Batya33]

It depends how badly you want to be in a long term relationship -then the perspective changes and it's worth the work, you pick yourself up and dust yourself off when you're disappointed. I remember when I was in my late 20s and came home from yet another date (through a personal ad- this was the early 1990s). No spark - knew I wouldn't see him again. An hour after I got home my friend calls me and we're chatting for a few minutes and she says "um so???" I was confused. How was the date??? she asked. I'd be home an hour and a half and already forgotten about it. That's where you need to get to, IMHO if you want to be able to be out there meeting and dating people. Many of my friends -all high quality people of character and integrity, smart, successful (and yes attractive!) met their spouses and significant others through on line sites.

[rose35]

yea i hate the unsure part..not really sure what it means..i met a few guys and i knew in the first meeting i just wasn't interested in seeing them again..seems easier than being unsure like i am with this one.

 

For some reason--i remember being unsure about my ex mostly due to inexperience and him being older etc..what i think really really changed my mind was being back at his place..there is something about seeing their area, their neighborhood, being at their place where you watch a movie in a more relaxed setting..it was very early when i went there b/c he was older and i wanted to make sure he wasn't married or anything..but i think after that i wanted to keep dating him and became pretty infatuated etc

[Batya33]

Seeing where and how the person lives helps in getting to know them but I found it much more informative to see how they treated strangers- the waiter, the for example -and what they said about the people that worked with/for them.

[Stay_home]

This is from a guy's perspective.

 

I feel exactly the same about dating and relationships. It's almost like why even bother, why get involved? It's just going to crash & burn just like every other situation that I've ever gotten myself into. And I've never been a knuckle head about dating; I've always been that "one woman" kind of guy. Never cheated; never ran off at the mouth, misled or taken anybody down an emotional roller coaster of infidelities or irresponsibility. It's just that kind of luck that I have, though. Some people do better at dating than others and (raising my hand) I'll admit, this has always been an area of my life that I've paid a high price. I don't know why, I don't know what for, but it has always been like that for me and I really don't ever see it getting better.

 

You know the whole spill about friends and older people telling you to "wait for it to come to you" or that "when you least look for it, is when it'll happen". I've even heard occasionally "keep trying and don't give up," but I've personally ran out of straws to draw for a chance. I really don't believe that it's going to ever happen for me and I'm learning to cope with that thought and to accept it, finally. Because honestly, I'm tired too. Dating takes a lot of work and a lot of weeding through and weeding out to figure out what's what and who's who. That does get old after a while and I guess when for so long you've had that mindset to search and find, coming up short, you do become discouraged and want to back away.

 

One positive note that I must admit is that I really feel like I'm at a new beginning. Because I don't feel that pressure of looking for anything anymore. I really don't care about it, honestly. I have a very care-free attitude about dating now and relationships; there's so much more for me to do in my life or to be worried about that I don't see the need to stress about dating anymore. I'm at that point where I can either do with or without and I see advantages on either side. So maybe that was the fuel that I needed to come accross this sudden epiphany which could turnout to be a positive outlook at some point, on some day.

 

For right now, I'm not looking - but I consider myself open to a possibility if it's worth my time. But not looking and leaving yourself open-minded are two different things. I've learned that too. And it is much more comfortable being open-minded than to have to look for anything from anybody. As far as other things in my life are concerned, I'm squared away; I'm working in a job that I truly enjoy going to everyday. I own a beautiful home, I have a ton of hobbies and interests to keep me sharp, afloat and keep things interesting in my world. Over the years I've learned that it's more important to develop a greater sense of self-worth, self-wealth and just all around self so that you don't have to wander the earth looking for something that really may never come.

[ut804]

OP,

any updates? are you still seeing that guy?